Takes

Josh Rosen will be remembered for having the worst career situations possible

I think [Josh Rosen] will, when his career is done, will look back and be like, that guy had the worst situations possible.

The Falcons are the most frustrating team in NFL history to watch and bet on

I fucking hate the Falcons... They're the most frustrating team I've ever watched, ever bet on. I bet on them pretty much every single week... and they fucking suck, and they do the same thing every time.

The key to Kirk Cousins' success is not letting him play quarterback

They figured out the key to Kirk Cousins. Don't let him actually play quarterback. He only threw 10 passes. Less is more with him... Actually, the key for Kirk Cousins is to make sure that the quarterback doesn't play quarterback.

Christian McCaffrey is talented enough to be a professional in every single sport

I don't know this for a fact, but I'm pretty sure Christian McCaffrey could be pro in every single sport. He's that type of guy.

The Seahawks will miss Doug Baldwin significantly more than they realize

The Seahawks are going to miss Doug Baldwin so much more than they realized... it felt like every time they needed a big play, it was like, wait, where's Doug Baldwin?

The Cowboys shouldn't sign Dak Prescott to an extension right now while he's playing for a contract

Dak Prescott's going to make a shitload of money. And I actually think if you're Jerry Jones, don't sign him right now because he's playing for a contract.

If a general manager misses the playoffs two years in a row, they should be fired immediately

If you're not going to make the playoffs two years in a row... You're only as good as this year, though, and they're not going to make the playoffs... If you can't make it two years in a row, you've got to go.

TJ Hawkinson is going to be an awesome NFL player

TJ Hawkinson, by the way, is awesome... it looks like he's going to be awesome. There's something to build on there.

Jameis Winston is addicted to turnovers and cannot be fixed

Jameis Winston fucking stinks. That guy stinks. He is addicted to turnovers... How do you fix a guy who, one in every five passes, he says, 'Ooh, I haven't thrown it dangerously close to the other team in a while. Let me do that.'

We owe Mike Tomlin an apology for how he handled Antonio Brown

In all of this, in all the Antonio Brown madness and the Raiders and all that stuff, I think we owe Mike Tomlin an apology. I think he actually dealt with Antonio Brown the way that you have to deal with a receiver that talented.

The life lesson of Antonio Brown is that talented people can get away with anything

If you're extremely talented at something, you can probably get away with more than everyone else. That's a tough lesson... If you are extremely valuable and exceptionally talented at your given work, you probably can get away with shit.

Texas is officially 'not back' because their field looks like baby diarrhea

Somebody pointed out that the color situation on the broadcast cameras change at Texas depending on what network is running the game... It changes depending on how back Texas is... I was like, they're not back because that field looks like baby diarrhea. Officially not back.

Rafa Nadal is the GOAT of tennis

Rafa's the GOAT. He won the U.S. Open, which means he now has five major titles since his 30th birthday, the most by any person.

The Bears' offense was a 'fucking joke' against the Packers

The Bears were a fucking joke tonight. Yeah. They were a joke. How's that make you ten penalties? 407 yards the offense looked like shit. The defense was awesome. Couldn't turn the ball over which would have been nice but like They were joke. You can't have that first and 40. Graphic. That's a fucking joke that is aim action game.

Matt Nagy's decision to call 45 passes and only 15 runs against the Packers was 'incompetence.'

Matt Nagy was also terrible because I know the offensive line wasn't doing a great job and they couldn't really block but holy shit, man, 45 passes and 15 runs. You can't do that, right, when you have a defense like we have. So it was incompetence.

Mike Mayock and Jon Gruden are 100% to blame for the Antonio Brown situation

I have a take on this no one to blame. But Mike Mayock and Jon Gruden are 100% to blame Mike Mayock you brought this headcase in Antonio Brown has proven time and time again that he's a dickhead. He has done nothing to disprove that. ... When he comes and he does exactly what you expected him to do. You cannot be surprised.

Donovan McNabb should be a Hall of Famer

I think that Donovan McNabb should be a Hall of Famer. I mean going against him every single year. ... He found ways of run the ball found ways to throw to get the ball down the field. I think that he is a Hall of Fame.

Tony Romo would be a Hall of Famer if he had won one championship

I feel like Tony Romo was a guy [that] if he had his Peak was gonna hit one Championship. [He'd] been [in the Hall of Fame]. Yeah. I probably agree.

The best way for a celebrity to let off steam anonymously would have been to use their real name on the Jeremy Renner app.

If you're a celebrity this is so tragic that it got shut down because if you wanted to just let off some steam the perfect place to do it would be on the Jeremy Renner app under your real name because no one everyone would just think it was a fake celebrity.

Jehovah's Witnesses should carry pizzas to get people to open their doors.

If they just had a pizza in their hand you always open the door if somebody is holding a pizza. Why don't the Jehovah's Witnesses instead of holding that the little pamphlet ... just have a pizza box that says watch tower on it and the open it up. You have a pizza boom conversations there.

Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because of Zeno's paradox

If you really want to get philosophical ... Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because in order to get ten yards you first have to go five yards. And then you have to get five yards. You have to go two and a half yards and so you will never actually make it all the way to a down.

Solving a Rubik's cube doesn't mean you're smart, it just means you've memorized a pattern.

You're not smart if you get it once you get it you cease to be smart because you can just do it again. ... Solving a puzzle is that way because we can reverse what you did.

The 2019 season of Hard Knocks earns a score of 2.8 out of 5 balls

Finale of Hard Knocks. Balls, I'm giving it two point eight balls. Five ball system. I'd say two and a half if it wasn't very good... Jon Gruden saved it.

Mark Davis is a legitimate draw who puts 'asses in the seats' because people are fascinated by his appearance

Mark Davis puts asses in the seats. That's a fact. Yeah. It's true. It's one way or the other whether you're repulsed or [intrigued]... you will want to show up to look at watch Mark Davis's ass on a seat standing in an office.

The Mets' season is officially over after their 7-run ninth-inning collapse

My hot seat is Mets... They blow a 7-run lead in the ninth... it's clearly over.

Eli Manning deserves to start for the Giants and shouldn't be benched for the rookie yet

I'm gonna say Eli [over Daniel Jones]... I think he deserves... after the way he was benched two years ago, I think he deserves... One Last [run]. I don't know if you want to throw the rookie in right away.

Novak Djokovic is the GOAT of tennis over Roger Federer

I hate to say this but Novak's got two slams in 2019. Federer has none. So he's better right now... he is the goat. All right, and he beat him in Wimbledon. No big deal.

Florida State's week one loss is an easy fix because they just forgot to hydrate

Florida State's excuse is that the boys didn't drink enough water pregame. So they're going to get that fixed. They're going to get that turnaround. It's an easy fix.

The Tennessee football program is suffering from the Curse of Greg Schiano

24-point favorites. I'll say it. Curse of Greg Schiano. All you crazy Tennessee fans on Twitter. Thank you, Big Cat. Led by someone, I don't know, decided to oust Greg Schiano before he could even get the job and bring back Phil Fulmer.

Jalen Hurts is a legit superstar and Lincoln Riley's offense is 'cold fusion'

Alabama had a great quarterback like Jalen Hurts, how unstoppable they would be. And he was fucking lighting it up, and Lincoln Riley... his PROS... to a college football coach, that's like discovering cold fusion.

Bo Nix is a future Governor of Alabama

That's actually a great governor's name for Alabama. Bo Nix. Governor Bo Nix. B-E-A-U, though. Just keep it simple. Two letters. Very easy to sign.

Hugh Freeze is the 'Football Guy of the Year' after coaching from a hospital bed

Hugh Freeze, Liberty head coach... He coached from a hospital bed. That's going to be impossible to beat. The football guy of the year moment in week one.

Dino Babers is the classiest head coach in college football

Dino Babers might be leading the league right now in terms of the amount of times you have to say the word classy when you discuss him... Dino Babers is the classiest of the class head coach in college football.

Novak Djokovic is the GOAT of tennis

He [Djokovic] also probably wanted to let Nadal and Federer and Wawrinka can play each other. One of you idiots can win while the GOAT rests up his shoulder.

Comedy specials should be canceled because they require too much of a social stance

I want to cancel comedy specials. Because I'm sick of people telling me, I haven't seen the Chappelle special, but I know I'm not supposed to like it or I am supposed to. I just want to watch a comedy special and laugh, but now it's become something that I have to have a very strong opinion about.

The NCAA intentionally picks unjust transfer stories to distract from their multi-billion dollar business

I actually think the NCAA depicts these stories specifically they're like, we need to find a way where everyone would think our ruling is completely unjust and bullshit rule that way. So everyone talks about that and not the fact that we make billions of dollars and you know, like extort everyone and and and basically run a entire corporation that is bullshit.

Wisconsin has hit their ceiling and will never win a national title

I think they have got Wisconsin at about as close to the ceiling as you can be. I just don't know with Wisconsin. When they were rolling 10-11 wins every year, I think that's the ceiling right there.

Women are naturally designed to be football kickers

I think that women actually might have a natural advantage in their bodies when it comes to kicking because they don't have those clumsy testicles that you squish them. Sure when you kick true... They're probably designed to be kickers. I'm all for it. Let her kick Let her kick why not her.

Professional athletes FaceTime at a much higher rate than the general public

I've realized this the last few weeks on Hard Knocks. I think professional athletes FaceTime at a much higher rate than the rest of the public in general.

Chick-fil-A would beat Popeyes if they released an extra spicy chicken sandwich

Develop an extra spicy chicken sandwich. If you go to market with extra spicy, that'll take all the buzz off Popeyes.

The Cubs didn't need Bryce Harper because they need professional hitters like Nicholas Castellanos

Bryce Harper would be a very redundant talent to what the Cubs have right now, and the Cubs need professional hitters, not more guys who hit home runs and strikeouts... I wish they had more [Nicholas] Castellanos, not more Harpers.

Dentists are scams

As far as I'm concerned, dentists are scams.

Getting old sucks, especially the hangovers

My first pick will be getting old sucks, especially hangovers. So hangovers getting worse and just the aging process is the worst.

No one actually likes dad bods; it's a myth

No one actually likes dad bods. That's such a fucking myth. And to be like, have the glimmer of hope... No, that's not real.

Nathan Peterman is a rejuvenated and reinvented quarterback

I think that Nathan Peterman, whether it's here or somewhere else this year, if he gets in, I think he's a rejuvenated, reinvented QB, man. This guy, I've been very impressed by Nate so far.

Rob Gronkowski needs to be in the Super Bowl halftime show

Jay-Z, I know you're a listener. Put Gronk in the Super Bowl halftime show. ... He needs to be in the halftime show.

Luke Willson would not work well in Bill Belichick's system

I don't think the Belichick system would work too well with him [Luke Willson].

You're only down money in gambling when you die

He will [win it back], because if you make him quit, then all that he lost is lost forever. That's true. He's not down yet. You're only down when you die.

Felipe Franks still stinks as a college quarterback

[Felipe Franks] still stinks. He still stinks. But when Andrew Luck retired, the discourse shifted...

Adam Schefter blowing up the retirement timeline caused Andrew Luck to be booed in Indianapolis

Schefter dropped it in the middle of the third quarter of the game and Andrew Luck then left the field... to boos... Schefter did his job, but, dude, you are the reason why the timeline got moved up. You announced it and basically blew up Andrew Luck's entire plan of telling his teammates first.