Takes

It is better to kidnap yourself than face people you owe gambling money to

I don't hate the move. Like if you you got to panic. You faked an entire Super Bowl pool. And now you got to figure out a move out. Just kidnap yourself. Not a bad play. I mean, it sucks now, but I'd probably rather go to jail than have a bunch of people be like, where the fuck is my money?

The Indianapolis airport bathroom is a 7.5 out of 10

I thought my stall was fantastic... handicap stall has its own sink. Lack of urinals is a problem. There's only three... overall PFT, I would give it 7.5.

LeBron James is the best basketball player of his generation and his antics are hilarious

[LeBron] is absolutely the best player of his generation. ... My problem with LeBron lies mostly in the fact that you guys fail to see how hilarious he is. ... without LeBron James in the NBA, there would be so much less laughter.

LeBron James has no friends left and even Carmelo Anthony is ducking his calls

He's such an unusual individual that he's lost all of his friends. ... Even Melo, it's gotten to the point where Carmelo Anthony is ducking LeBron James' calls because that's a toxic friendship.

The word 'thick' is officially cancelled because Trey Wingo used it

My hot seat this week is thick. ... I'm actually canceling thick. Because Trey Wingo, he caught wind of it. ... the fact that Trey used a double C, it was like watching Darren Rovell kill 69 jokes in real time.

The Columbus Blue Jackets are the winners of the trade deadline for going all-in

Columbus is a winner for me. They went out and made a bunch of good moves. ... They're trying to win one, and they never even won a playoff series. ... I think the fans kind of deserve it.

Phil Jackson was more of a friend and mentor than a strict coach during my time with the Bulls

Phil just came at the tail end of the fact that my career was on a down slope... and he just wanted, like, 'okay, Dennis, we're going to finish this shit off right.' And he gave me an opportunity to go out there and just try to finish my career off... He's more of a friend, too, anything.

If you died before the year 2000, you are essentially a caveman compared to people today

Essentially as much has changed in the world in the last 20 years. Correct. Where if you died prior to the year 2000, you're basically a caveman if we were to bring you back. ... Zero clout. They're fucking idiots.

If you take a private plane to a strip mall in suburban Florida, you aren't doing it for a good reason

If you take a private plane to a strip mall in suburban Florida, you're not doing it for a good reason. That's my big takeaway. Definitely a place that, let's just say, didn't look like the day spa of a billionaire.

Prostitution and sports gambling should both be legal

Prostitution should be legal because gambling should be prostitution and we take all the bad things out of the shadows so that people don't get harmed. [PFT]: Yes, and you should be able to do both on sports.

The Oscars are better without a host

No host is the future. Way better. No stupid gimmicks, you know, when they deliver pizzas or do the selfies or whatever the fuck happens when you run out of bits two hours into the Oscars.

Eating out of bowls is superior to eating off plates

Bowls are way, way better than plates. Would we all agree? There's nothing that you can eat out of a plate that you can't also eat out of a bowl. Everything's getting put in a bowl these days.

Joey Logano is a 'baby back bitch' for blocking me on Twitter after I called him 'Slowy Slogano'

My other who's back is that baby back bitch, Slowy Slogano, who blocked me on Twitter for calling him Slowy Slogano. How soft is that? He basically tweeted and said, 'I had a great car, but sometimes it doesn't break your way,' which is a classic... So I filled it in for him, and then he blocked me.

Big-name NBA free agents never actually come to the Knicks despite the endless rumors

Every time that they say these people [Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving] are coming, they just never come to New York for some reason. I don't know what about New York isn't a destination for motherfuckers. It's a terrible situation honestly... it's been for years and as a fan it fucking sucks.

You choose your own destination once you are high

It's mind-altering. You choose your path once you're high. That is fucking deep. You choose your own path when you're high. You choose the destination when you're high. Make sure you fucking write that down.

Identifying your own white privilege but not changing your behavior is 'Schrodinger's White Privilege'

It's like Schrodinger's white privilege. Just identifying it makes it something. But it also makes it exist and not exist at the same time? Like, if you identify that you're acting like a dick... Newsflash, you're still acting like a dick. If you stop acting like a dick, then you're no longer acting like a dick. I don't think that it can be Schrodinger's dick or not.

Zion Williamson should not play another second of college basketball this year

I think that Zion, especially for a young man, an outstanding young man who has so much to gain, there's really no point in him playing another second of basketball this year.

Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K because of his jackets

Roy Williams, I would say, is a better coach than Coach K, by the way... I'm saying his jackets. That's the only reason that I'm giving you right now, Hank... I'm Roy Williams. I'm going to be a dadgum good dresser. Dadgummit.

College players should keep eligibility if they aren't drafted in the NBA lottery

Why can't they just figure out a way that you can go to the NBA straight out of high school, but if you're not a lottery pick, you keep all your eligibility. And the team that drafts you keeps your rights. And then doesn't that fix a lot of the stuff?

If your career or dream feels like it sucks, that means you are on the right track

One of the underlying themes of crashing is if it sucks, that's how you know you're doing it right. It's not like this sucks. Why me? It's no, this sucks. I'm in the club. Like that's the path... if you're shitting in your pants and think you're a fraud, you're on the right track.

Comedians are secretly as competitive as professional athletes

New England like me that don't think it's polite to say you want to do better than the guy before you and the guy after you... act like a sweetheart, just like the guy on Crashing, but secretly, yeah, you want to tear the place down... There is a competitive. You're playing you against the audience or you against the show, and obviously it's good to be kind to everybody, but when you're up there, there's something athletic going on.

I would rather be a racehorse than any other athlete

Horse racing... You compete three times. If you retire at the top of your field, and then you just fuck for the rest of your life. That's all you do. You just get paid to fuck, fuck, fuck.

Being hungry is much better than being thirsty

I would rather be hungry than thirsty because I feel like if you are properly hydrated, like you're okay. You can survive for a very long time... I love being hungry because it means I haven't eaten, so I'm feeling kind of skinny.

Kyrie Irving's leadership style is based on his Uncle Drew character

I think Kyrie Irving has just thought he is like now Uncle Drew because he was in that movie. He is like the old guy who's trying to teach everyone else on the team... he doesn't really know how to be like a true leader except for a really bad Hollywood movie.

Imagine Dragons has officially replaced Nickelback as the worst band in the world

Imagine Dragons has taken the worst band in the world baton from Nickelback... we have to get our boys and IDs back.

Manny Machado is effectively early retiring by signing with the San Diego Padres

Manny Machado decided, guess what, 10 years, $300 million, San Diego, where I can kind of just go chill. Like, this is basically a – I'm just going to – he almost is early retiring.

Dick Vitale is losing his edge as a college basketball commentator

I'm a big Dickie V fan. I'm okay that they took him off the [Duke vs. UNC] game. I think they did it a little early, but I will give a little bit of a hat tip to whoever decided it... I listened to Dickie V on Saturday and it's fading on us, boys. I don't want to say it, but he's kind of losing it.

There is no chance Zion Williamson is actually doing his own classwork or assignments at Duke

Imagine being paired up with Zion [Williamson] on like a group project. And you're depending on him for like half your grade. It's like a take-home thing that you guys both have to work on and bring in. There's no chance that he's filling out that assignment.

James Dolan will eventually find a way to ruin a Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant pairing

You know what I'm really excited for? To see how James Dolan can fuck up Kyrie Irving and KD together. Yeah, that's never going to work.

I could hit a free throw blindfolded before I would ever miss 11 in a row like Ethan Happ

Ethan Happ, forward center for the Wisconsin Badgers... He has missed 11 in a row. Shut up. 11 in a row... I think you could blindfold me and I wouldn't miss 11 in a row. No chance would I miss 11 in a row.

People who constantly switch lanes in traffic are dumb; it's better to be a contrarian

I would take the opposite approach. You need to be a contrarian there. Generally, people are dumb. Yes, so if you're driving down the highway... they see a couple lanes moving and they're like, 'I gotta get over there.' What happens as soon as you move over there? Your lane stops and then your lane takes off.

The further south you drive, the worse the drivers get

The thing about people that drive in traffic regularly like in New York, they at least know how to merge. Like you go to — I think it's the further south you go, the worse the drivers are.

Fights are good for NASCAR and the league secretly loves them

Is it good for the sport? Absolutely. They secretly are high-fiving. You know, you don't want anyone to get hurt. They'll put out there that, you know, we don't like it. No way. It's like Dana White. They love it. Gets eyeballs.

Be wary of any new league that promises more football

As much as we love football, we did warn you. We warned you after the first weekend that as much as we love seeing extra football... We've been hurt before. The XFL did not last very long. Whenever someone promises you more football, just be wary.

Using Shaquille O'Neal as a prop is an all-time move because he is the largest human being ever

Hamadou Diallo stole the show by using Shaq as a prop, which I cannot believe had not been used until Saturday night. Shaquille O'Neal as a prop is an all-time prop because he is the largest human being ever. That's a fact. Don't look it up.

I would rather be a dead-eye three-point shooter for the rest of my life than be able to dunk

If I could pick one for the rest of my life, to be awesome at dunking or wet from three at all times, I think I would take wet from three... Anytime you're open, think about this. Any guy in the NBA, like if they're open, they just make it. Having that would be so incredible.

The New Orleans Pelicans are stupid if they don't sit Anthony Davis for the rest of the season

If the Pelicans don't sit him for the rest of the year, they're so stupid. Because that would be the ultimate, just having him get some kind of injury where you're like, come on, man, are you serious? You couldn't just sit him?

Championship trophies are back in Boston because Jayson Tatum won the Skills Challenge

Championship trophies are back in Boston because Jayson Tatum won the skills competition... it's just good to bring the winning culture back to Boston.

Jim Harbaugh is in actual trouble at Michigan because he can't get his team emotionally prepared for Ohio State

I think [Jim Harbaugh] is in actual trouble at Michigan... He doesn't have those guys emotionally prepared to play Ohio State, whereas Urban Meyer makes a bunch of kids from Florida and all over the country somehow hate the state of Michigan to a level that, like Jim Harbaugh, it feels like every time they get to that big game, they fall completely flat.

Antonio Brown exposing Ben Roethlisberger's 'owner mentality' is not news because everyone knows Ben is a dick

Antonio Brown... basically explained his conflict with Ben Roethlisberger, basically saying Ben Roethlisberger has an owner mentality and he can call everybody out... I don't really think Antonio Brown, if you want to go a certain route with this to gain public favor, being like, hey, Ben Roethlisberger's a dick, too, is not really—we all know that.

Every man over 6'5 except for Blake Griffin is an asshole.

Every guy that's over 6'5 is an asshole... Every guy over 6'5 except for Blake Griffin is an asshole.

Paxton Lynch is the most unremarkable first-round quarterback of the last 25 years

Paxton Lynch, I'm going to say it right now, is the most unremarkable first-round quarterback that has ever been drafted in the past 25 years... No one even knows if Paxton Lynch is good or not because he only played four games... a guy that you will soon just forget even existed.

John Elway is the third or fourth best quarterback of all time

He's probably the third best quarterback of all time. Third or fourth.

Joe Flacco is just a product of the Baltimore offensive system

This is the year where we find out if Joe Flacco is good or if he's just a product of that awesome Baltimore offensive system that's been so good throughout the years.

Eli Manning and Joe Flacco are the exact same player.

Eli Manning, Joe Flacco, the exact same guy. Average, and then a couple moments where they just shine brighter than everyone else.

The NBA should add an 'oldest guy who can still dunk' contest to All-Star Weekend.

We should, to make the dunk contest better, before the dunk contest, they should do a contest, oldest guy that can dunk. So oldest NBA player that can still dunk.

MLB is the only All-Star game that still gets the juices flowing

I feel like MLB is the only All-Star game that really gets the juices flowing now... at least still you can't half-ass baseball. A pitcher is still going to throw their stuff. Pro Bowl, NHL, NBA, everyone's just going through the motions.

Cody Parkey is still a good kicker and the Bears should have kept him.

I know there's a lot of haters to Cody Parkey, but I still think he's a good kicker... I think they should reset. Keep him around... Can't have a bad year? Look at the totality of his career. He's a good kicker.

Defensive units cannot last in the modern NFL without constantly evolving their scheme week-to-week.

Bill [Belichick] keeps players engaged because you're always evolving. You're not the same thing each and every week because I don't think you can last anymore in the NFL. People are going to pick you apart unless you have those outlandish defenses where you got freak athletes.

Zion Williamson should sit out the rest of the college season to save himself for the NBA.

I think Zion Williamson should sit out the rest of the year and save himself for the NBA. Honestly, though, seriously, all jokes aside, if he blows out a knee or something like that, he probably won't be a top five pick anymore.