Takes

I will use my bare hand to unclog a toilet at a party if no plunger is available

I have used my hand... I've used my hand in a trash bag. You put your hand in a trash bag... The trash bag works. If you're in a, I mean, I guess in a home it might be tough, but you just, whatever the little trash is next to everyone's got one little trash next to the sink. You just get the trash bag out of there. Dump it hand in. Unplug.

I am not moving to Chicago with the rest of the show

I will not be moving to Chicago. Kind of been in denial about it. It sucks to say there are various parts of my life that I keep private that impacted this decision. I hope you guys respect the decision. Please just remember that I am the only one who can weigh all the factors that impact my life.

Podcast rankings are misleading; people should check episode rankings for true listener stats

How come some podcasts randomly go higher than you guys in the podcast ranking sometimes? Does that mean they get more listeners? No, it does not. So if you start a new podcast, your podcast is always going to be... It just goes to number one. That's just how it works. The way to realize the success of shows is episodes. So if you go to the episode page, you can see where shows are ranked. Just look at the episodes, bitch.

You must eat only white cheese if you want to live to 100

I had a cab driver once from LaGuardia who was like, if you want to live to 100, you got to eat only white cheese. He's like, the minute you eat yellow cheese, you're going to kill yourself... He said it was such authority that I was like, damn. He must be right.

If I get into a fight, I would be charged with murder because my hands are registered weapons

I got legal hands, I can't fight anybody. No seriously, like legally I'd get murder not manslaughter if I get into a fight with someone... because I was registered in a professional boxing match.

Testicles shrivel in the cold specifically to regulate sperm production temperature

When your balls shrivel up when it's cold is because they are seeking warmth because your sperm factory, in your nut sack, has to stay closer to your body to be the right temperature... because the optimal sperm producing temperature is a little bit chillier than the rest of your body.

I can definitely hit a 35-yard field goal right now

I'd say when [the tryout] went good, not great. ... Mr. 35 Yards. ... I didn't do as bad as I was fearing that I was going to do. ... [Big Cat and Hank] would both make them on your first time [but] we would suck.

Running is not good for you because human hearts have a finite number of beats

Running isn't good for you. No one should ever think running's good for you. As far as I'm concerned, your heart only has a finite amount of beats programmed into it at birth. It's like eggs in a woman. So I don't want to raise my heart rate too high because then it's not going to be around to beat when I'm past the age of 70.

Czechoslovakia is the original home of goulash

They say the Czech Republic or Czechoslovakia originally is the home of goulash.