The Green Bay Packers are officially dead

The Greeny Packers. Aaron Rodgers looks like he's playing poorly on purpose. That's how bad he's playing tonight... I'm officially saying get out the [shovel]... Their next game is against the Eagles, they're dead. That's a dead team.

Mike Vrabel is the NFL Coach of the Year

[Mike Vrabel] is coach of the year. It's something about he just gets 'em ready for a fight and he just makes games miserable for the other team. And they fist fight him for 60 minutes and most of the time they come out with a win.

The NFC North is officially Kirk Cousins's division now

This is Kirk Cousins's division now. They [the Vikings] are [winning it]... Siara... see you bitches. And Packers fans know it. They know they're dead. They know there's no chance.

I lied about destroying Vanny Woodhead; I have been keeping it for years

Technically it's destroyed. Legally it's chopped up. But I kind of... I didn't have the heart to chop it up, so I just been keeping it... I was like, every time it was an excuse I used to not follow through with chopping it up.

Zach Wilson's ceiling is literally Patrick Mahomes

Come on, Zach Wilson, his ceiling is literally Patrick Mahomes. That's a fact. If he plays to the best of his ability.

Al-Qaeda is the only one who could have written the Monday Night Football script

Running out with the flag... hard knocks... there was so much hope and hype. And, you know, talking about the NFL script, the only one who could have written that script is Al-Qaeda.