If they cancel March Madness, I will intentionally contract coronavirus the next day

If they cancel March Madness—I'm not talking about playing it with no fans—if they cancel it outright, I will get coronavirus the next day. I do not want to be healthy in a world where March Madness does not exist.

Intentionally contracting coronavirus is healthier than a normal March Madness routine

I think that intentionally contracting coronavirus at the start of March Madness is probably healthier on our bodies than what we normally do to it during March Madness, which is just live off nothing but chicken wings and delicious, copious amounts of Michelob Ultra.

Darren Rovell is legitimately losing his mind

Rovell is kind of a misunderstood but nice guy. I think he's losing it—like he is legit losing his mind. He's on a bender from non-alcoholic beer. This is what happens when you drink like 12 a day for a week straight.

Take $500,000 over a dinner with Jay-Z

[$500,000]. Because most likely Jay-Z has said it a million times in various different ways. So it would be like me saving $500,000 just to spend two days looking at every single interview he's ever done... why do I need to listen to him? I could save $500,000.

Parents should buy a share of stock that matches every toy they buy their kids

Buy him a little Caterpillar truck, right? Buy him a share in Caterpillar. Ooh. And then show him what that truck is equal to... Buy him a share in maybe Disney and a Disney product that he likes... he's gonna start to understand [finance].

You should double down on Amazon stock right now while it is at a 30% discount

Amazon, you should be doubling down on Amazon right now because right now if a car you loved was on a 30% discount, brand new, wouldn't you buy a couple of 'em?... it's gonna go back up.