Chris Berman retired from ESPN because he knew the All-Star Game was in Miami and he'd sweat too much

Chris Berman retired from the All-Star game and ESPN last winter... I think maybe Chris Berman was like, oh, fuck. The home run derby is going to be in Miami. I think he was. They don't make a sweatshirt that's dark enough to cover up the stains that Berman would be sweating through.

Laying on the bathroom floor is the greatest feeling when you have the spins

This is actually more for when you have the spins, but it still is the greatest thing in the world. Just laying down on the bathroom floor... There's actually no better feeling in the world. It's great. When you're hot, when you're drunk, when you have the spins.

NBA players shouldn't be allowed to spend their entire contract in Houston because everything is too cheap

The nice thing about [James Harden's] contract is I don't think it's possible to spend this much money in one lifetime in Houston, Texas. Everything there is, like, really cheap.

Roman Anthony is a defensive liability for the Red Sox because everyone is successfully running on him in left field.

Roman Anthony, world baseball classic hero. But he has been, he's become a meme basically. If he can't, he just can't throw anyone out from left field. Everyone's just running on Roman. Shane tried to tell me he was great last year, but he was playing right field. Now he's playing left field... it's just not good.

AJ Brown will be traded to the New England Patriots

[AJ Brown is] gone no matter what... New England. [In my] unbiased mind, he's still gone.

UConn can't win the championship

I hope UConn can get it done. I don't think they can win it all.