Connor McDavid cannot win the big one

[Connor McDavid] cannot win the big one. That part is unfortunately true unless you count the Conn Smythe trophy as the big one.

NHL goalies should be pulled from the ice with at least four minutes remaining

I think the goalie should have been pulled with like six minutes left in the period... no, I think they just like four and a half... I think you pull the goalie super early... it should definitely be more than one minute 45 seconds.

Dog influencers use their pets' social media accounts to get dates

How often do you think fucking happens between two dog owners or a dog owner with that Instagram handle of their dog and uses the DMs to fuck? ... She slid into my goldendoodle's DMs... not Ms. Peaches because Dave is famous in his own right. I'm talking about like the people who have no fame, but their dog has insane fame. You definitely use that dog to fuck, right? A hundred percent yes.

Any man who asks for a blanket because he's cold isn't a real man

Any man who is, who is cold, you're not a man. Is not a man. Not a man. ... Or if they're like, oh, I'm cold. Do you have a blanket that I can use?

Anyone complaining about Bryce Harper being credited with a triple against the Diamondbacks doesn't know baseball

It was. They scored a triple. It was, it's a triple. ... He would've been thrown out for sure. Yeah. But it is a triple and anyone who's complaining about it being a triple does not know ball.

If I had to eat only one thing for the rest of my life, it would be a turkey sandwich

If I had to only eat one thing for the rest of my life, it would probably be a turkey sandwich. It's a turkeys run-the-football [pick].