Takes

I was a better prospect than the players drafted ahead of me in the 2005 NFL Draft

I saw guys coming off the board in front of me that i knew i was better than and i got upset and i was pissed. ... first-round talent on the field. Undrafted baggage off the field.

The New York Jets will lock up the number one pick of the 2018 NFL Draft

The New York Jets and Bryce Tom Petty are free-falling down the standings as New York locks up the number one pick of the 2018 NFL Draft.

I'm disappointed there is no Jaguars vs. Titans Thursday night color rush game this year

I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed in [the NFL]. Because for the first time in what feels like 10 years, there's no... Jaguars, Titans, Thursday night color rush. That's so fucked up. It's really massive. That was probably my favorite game of mid-October every year.

The Buffalo Bills will finish the season 5-11

I'm going to give it to you real easy. Bills are going to go 5-11.

The Cleveland Browns will win only two games this year

And the Browns are going to win two games.

Mike Glennon will definitely win the NFL MVP this year

Is this the year Mike Glennon wins the MVP? Yes, definitely. Yes. Just saying weird things are afoot.

Running backs are better when they are dumb because they don't feel pain

If you're a running back, guess what? I like my running backs dumb. They're better when they're dumb. There's a reason Barry Sanders retired early, and Emmitt Smith got the record, because Barry started realizing... When you're smarter, you can tell when your body's hurt, and then you're like, hey, I better not play football anymore. When you're dumb, you don't feel pain.

Oakland is a bad sports town

Oakland's a bad sports town. Derek Carr said that fans that don't follow the Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas aren't good fans. ... You have to admit that he's right. ... Oakland has... a big enough sense entitlement as it is. ... Oakland come on get your shit together.

Aaron Rodgers is excited about the Packers' offensive weapons for the next season

He's back in Green Bay getting ready for the season. ... He's excited. He likes the weapons we're getting. I'm a Packer through and through.

Roger Goodell looks like a genius for waiting to punish Aaron Hernandez

Roger Goodell... looks like a genius in hindsight like he he played this discipline policy as perfectly as you can do it he would have been in serious serious legal trouble of his own if he had suspended Hernandez for these two murders and then he was found not guilty.

John Madden is actually dead and the NFL uses fake quotes for PR

The theory of this show is that John Madden has been dead for years and that the NFL just uses fake John Madden quotes for PR. Anytime you want to get real football fans behind you, just tell them that John Madden says it's like this.

The Falcons technically won the Super Bowl according to Bill Belichick's math

[Belichick's] exact quote was really at halftime the game is two thirds over because the fourth quarter is just situational football. So spin zone, the Falcons technically won the Super Bowl.

Eli Manning definitely committed fraud with the game-worn gear scandal

He did commit fraud. That's okay. What he should do is just come out and be like, hey, guys, I committed fraud. That's on me.

The internet is too cynical about new jerseys and the Lions' grays aren't that bad

I think they're fine. I think they're good. This is what the internet does. They just release something and then everyone says that's awful and then everyone just jumps on it. The grays don't look that bad.

The Raiders' Black Hole in Las Vegas will be corporate and terrible

Talking about the black hole in Las Vegas just bummed me out because you know it's going to be all corporate. It's going to be the Harrah's blackjack black hole or something like that, and it's going to suck. This is the first time I've thought about the Raiders moving to Vegas and being like, eh.

The Patriots brought in Adrian Peterson specifically to injure him so no one else could sign him

The Patriots specifically just brought Peterson in to try to injure him in a workout so that no other team could get him.

The Bears are officially 'back' because Aaron Rodgers broke up with Olivia Munn

Aaron Rodgers versus the Bears while dating Olivia Munn. The Bears were 1-5... Before he was dating Olivia Munn, he was 10-3... So the Bears are back is what you're telling me right now.

Tony Romo is the most fun quarterback to watch fail in NFL history

I'll give you right now Tony Romo's legacy. You don't have to read anything else. He is the most fun quarterback to hate of all time. That's his legacy. That's what it is. He broke your heart if you're a Cowboys fan. But for everybody else... he was the most fun quarterback to watch fail.

John Madden is actually dead and the NFL is just faking his endorsements

I think that John Madden's actually dead. I think that the NFL is just attributing quotes to John Madden when they make changes to the game of football so that everybody would be like, oh, well, John Madden's a football guy. He approves of this change.

London is the next city to get an NFL franchise.

I guess this puts London as next city up, right? Yeah, because the NFL got rid of its two scary boogeymen out there, Los Angeles and Las Vegas, for when owners wanted to wring a little bit more tax money out of their locale. So now it's like, hey, if you don't pony up, guess what? Jags are moving to London.

Bill Belichick already has conditions on the Browns' number one overall pick for a Jimmy Garoppolo trade.

I think that it's Belichick's pick if he wants it for Garoppolo. Belichick's just such a dick that he institutes his own conditions on other teams' draft picks before he even takes them. So he's like, I'm going to take that draft pick from you, but my condition is you're not allowed to talk about your draft pick.

Tony Romo is the biggest sucker alive for believing Jerry Jones would be loyal to him.

Is Tony Romo the last person in the world to realize this was what was going to happen? He's like a high schooler in this situation. He actually thought that Jerry Jones was going to be like, hey, Tony, don't worry. We'll take care of you, man. We're not going to do what's in the best interest of the Dallas Cowboys.

The Giants would have beaten the Patriots if they had made it to the Super Bowl.

I think [Bob Kraft] is actually right because Eli Manning is the exact opposite in Super Bowls as Matt Ryan. He sucks for three quarters and then he's really, really good weirdly in the fourth.

Jeff Fisher will get a position with the NFL league office within six months

If you think that Jeff Fisher doesn't get a position with league office in the next six months, then you don't know your football. He's a lifer. He's going to die inside the NFL's office.

Mark Sanchez will be the 'alpha' in the Bears locker room over Mike Glennon

Sanchez is going to be the alpha in that locker room. So that's the situation... You never want to bring in a backup. That's the alpha.

Robert Griffin III being a 'goober' on Instagram makes Russell Wilson look better

This is actually great for Russell Wilson because anytime RG3 opens his mouth, people remember, oh, Russ Wilson isn't the biggest goober quarterback out there.

Ryan Tannehill will put it all together this year

But this is the year he's [Ryan Tannehill] going to put it all together. We got you around. But as long as number 12 is in that division, it's going to be really hard.

There is a very fine line between football leadership and pedophilia

There's a very fine line between football leadership and pedophilia... you want a coach who could pull out his penis at any given time, but actually doesn't pull out his penis at any given time. But you want that edge.

Malcolm Butler will be traded to the Saints for the 32nd overall pick

Pardon My Take broke some news. And the news hasn't actually happened yet. The news was that Malcolm Butler is being dealt to the Saints for the 32nd overall pick. I stand by our story. Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean that it's not going to. So when it happens tomorrow, just make sure when Schefter starts tweeting about it, you let him know this is broken by Pardon My Take 24 hours ago.

Jim Harbaugh's parents rooted for John in the Super Bowl because Jim would be unbearable with a ring

I bet you his parents were rooting for John to win that Super Bowl. Because Jim Harbaugh with a Super Bowl ring over John would be unbearable at any family gathering from that point on. He would wear it every Thanksgiving.

Eddie Lacy is only signing with the Seahawks for a Skittles sponsorship

Lacey might just be angling for a Skittles sponsorship. So we saw Marshawn's locker. Maybe Marshawn's locker is still filled with Skittles, and Lacey was like, you guys don't even have to pay me as long as I can live in this locker.

Johnny Manziel is officially back and committed to a comeback after getting engaged

My who's back of the week is Johnny Football... Comeback season. He just got engaged to show that he's committed and he's making his comeback. So it seems like he's got everything going for him heading forward.

Both the Texans and the Browns won the Brock Osweiler trade, even though neither team got better

It's a rare trade where both teams I think both teams won this trade right but neither team got better right? It is a factual statement to say that the Browns, the Cleveland Browns, made a good trade that involved taking on Brock Osweiler in his contract which it sounds like they're going to cut him so it's just the contract but... both teams won.

I don't hate the Chicago Bears' three-year, $43 million contract for Mike Glennon

I don't want to say I predicted it, but I basically predicted it the whole way down to Ryan Pace seemingly negotiating against himself... Everyone flips out... i saw it was like 19 million guaranteed so it's probably a two-year contract they can probably let him go... so i don't really hate it and this is how this is step one of me talking myself into Mike Glennon.

The Washington Redskins are the worst organization in professional sports

I mean, i think that they're the worst organization in pro sports name me one that's worse than the Redskins... the Browns are above the Redskins right now.

Bill Belichick intentionally shifts the Patriots' one weakness every year so other teams can't catch up

I have a theory now that Belichick just makes sure he shifts what the Patriots' one weakness is every year so no team can catch up. You don't get the bulk on him.

Kyle Shanahan is making a huge mistake by trading for Kirk Cousins as a first-year coach

Kyle Shanahan... Looks like he's going to trade for Kirk Cousins. Big mistake, Kyle. We as football guys, guys know the last thing you want to do if you're a new coach is get your guy in there day one. Because then you have no excuse. You have no backup plan.

Mike Glennon is going to be great and perfect for the Chicago Bears

Mike Glennon's gonna be great for the Bears he's gonna be perfect and he is exactly he's exactly who the Bears would get in this situation because when you look at all the Bears quarterbacks they all suck... you need the guy who half the city is like, I think he could be okay. And then the rest of the city is like, you guys are all idiots.

Mitchell Trubisky changed his name to 'Mitchell' purely to avoid the 'Mitch the Bitch' nickname

I think he did that just simply so people can't say he's mitch the bitch which makes sense right

Hometown saviors always work out well for the Cleveland Browns

He said that he would go play in Cleveland. He's a hometown kid. We all know that hometown quarterbacks work out really well for Cleveland. They're always saviors.

Mitch Trubisky screwed himself by measuring 6'2" because of Hue Jackson's arbitrary height cutoff

Hugh Jackson, his cutoff for quarterbacks, 6'2". So Mitch Trubisky kind of screwed himself. He should have slouched a little bit, hoping that he went at 6'1"... [Hue] just said, if the quarterback's not 6'2 or taller, I don't want him.

Patrick Mahomes' small hands are a reason not to pick him in the draft

I also saw that Mahomes had small hands, so be careful of that. Don't worry about the fact that he played in a Kliff Kingsbury offense, and it was an air raid... His hands, a little undersized. That's why you shouldn't pick them. I actually like him. I think he actually would be good for them.

The 49ers having no quarterbacks is liberating for Kyle Shanahan's play-calling

If you don't have any quarterbacks on your roster, then there's no chance that Kyle Shanahan is going to be able to call too many passing plays late in a game that they're winning... Shanahan's just taking away his ability to throw the ball too much.

Redskins GM Scott McCloughan has been dead for a year

I think he's been dead for a year... it's Bruce Allen who's just pretending like Scott [is alive]... If you want to deflect blame to somebody else, have a dead guy in the closet. Never bring him out in front of the media. And every time he fucks something up, be like, it's the dead guy's fault.

The Kirk Cousins franchise tag is a sign the Redskins still don't know if he's good

In Kirk Cousins' case, it's just a big sign that says, do we know if Kirk Cousins is good yet? No, we don't know.

Kirk Cousins is the best quarterback that sucks

I think Kirk Cousins will perpetually be, is he good or not? Yes, he is the best quarterback that sucks.

The Chicago Bears are a total dumpster fire for failing to retain drafted players

If Alshon does go get signed by another team... you ready for the list of Bears players on the roster that were drafted before 2013? Okay, that was the full list... Just make sure all your draft picks fail miserably... what a dumpster fire.

Concussions are a private family matter and the government should stay out of it

Whether or not a kid has a concussion, that's a private matter. That's a family matter. It's nobody's business. Handle it behind closed doors. Keep your government Dr. Obamacare death panel hands off my son. I'm going to be the one to tell whether or not he's seeing double.

Adrian Peterson's NFL career is basically over

I think Adrian Peterson's career is... it's pretty much a career for him... he hitting his kid with a switch... he doesn't catch the ball that often. He doesn't run the ball out of shotgun. This isn't the NFL for him.

Jameis Winston telling women to be silent and polite is hypocritical because he was told he had the right to remain silent

Well, it's a bit hypocritical that people are jumping down Winston's throat. When he was told that he had the right to remain silent, nobody said anything about it. But now he's telling women that, and I guess that's not fair.