Takes

Everyone has the primal potential to be a self-made king through nine ancestral tenets

Everybody's born with the same primal potential to be a self fucking made king. Right? And so this is what this is. My job is, is to turn everybody into a fucking king, these nine ancestral tents that I model, teaching and preaching... sleep, eat, move, shield, connect, cold, sun, fight and bond.

I take PEDs, but PEDs stands for 'Prioritize, Execute, and Dominate'

I take PEDs. Yeah. I prioritize, execute and dominate every, every fucking morning. Every morning... I'm completely fucking around guys.

I would eat a human liver if animal sources were unavailable

I got no problem taking a liver from a human. Well... if I needed to, I would. I would've no reservation of eating... When I can't get liver from something else... if all the animals have been hunted... and I need my liver, I got no problem taking a liver from a human.

Sunning your balls can improve androgens and is 'pretty primal'

If you sun your balls, there is a study. It's an older study, I think it's from like the fifties or sixties that shows that it does improve androgens, not necessarily testosterone... I think it's pretty fucking primal. Right? I mean, we, we didn't evolve essentially with clothes... I think it's pretty primal to do.

Calling another man 'buddy' or 'pal' is the ultimate subtle emasculation

Calling someone buddy or pal... buddying them. Total emasculation. And you just drop the pal or the buddy's like, okay buddy. That's just the worst. And it's very like, you can't really get mad because it is subtle enough. But dropping a buddy or a pal like Steven Cheah does it. And it drives me absolutely insane.

Helping a man off a boat is a major act of emasculation

Helping a man off a boat. Yes. Big time. If, if you're as a man taking another man's hand to step off the boat because you can't get to where that man is without him helping you. Brutal. That's super [emasculating] and it's, and it it's like, it really only happens in boats.

Telling a man 'you're mad' when he's trying to make a point is a top-tier emasculation move

There's nothing more irritating actually than like being told that you're mad about something that you're not. And then your whole little world around you is like, people like, look how mad you are. Look how mad you are when you're not actually mad... Therefore our last pick is telling someone that they're mad. Just be like, you can't control your emotions. You're mad.

Owning a snake as a pet is a definitive pre-crime sign

Our first pick, we're gonna go with owning a snake as a pet. Anyone who owns snakes, fucking pre-crime city. You're just waiting for the snake to just escape in your house and then kill you in your sleep... If you own a snake, I just assume at some point you will commit a crime. It's part of your DNA.

Being a youth women's gymnastics coach without a daughter on the team should be an automatic jail sentence

If you're like a youth women's gymnastics coach and you don't have a daughter, you should automatically go to jail a hundred percent. Like without doubt, fucked up you have to be to be a gymnastics coach in general.

Honolulu blue is an electric shade of blue that doesn't get enough credit

Just as an aside, watching the hard knocks with the lions, Honolulu blue doesn't get enough shoutouts for being a great shade of blue. Like it's always Carolina blue. Yeah. Honolulu blue is electric.

European food is healthier than American food because it is less processed

But because it's non-processed yeah. Is that what's going on? Cuz they're they don't the cigarette thing over there is out of control... I think it's less processed food. I think whenever it, I was, I was teeing you up there. I think the research would tell you is just the service is not what it is here.

Parallel parking in a manual transmission car should be an Olympic sport

Parallel parking should be an Olympic sport either. You're good. Or your bad... No old school parallel parking. When you get it in one shot, best feeling in the world. Especially when, like, if you're in a big city... Give him a, a manual transmission too. Yeah. Just watch chaos ensue.

Boxers and porn stars never actually retire

Boxers in porn stars never really retire. They always say they do. They're always ready for one more. It just always, you know what I mean? You'll see. You just be like, no, no, if you're there's one more you just age into becoming a MILF.

Grit is doing what you are supposed to do better than anyone else on the planet

Grit is doing what you're supposed to do when you're supposed to do it the way you're supposed to do it and do it fucking better than anybody else on the planet.

Not pulling out is a bad idea

Not pulling out. He's saying not pulling out when you were supposed to pull out. [Big Cat: You're against cream pies?] Billy Football, anti-cream pie.

Colorado is my favorite state

I love this state. I think it's my favorite state. It is all in all. It's a great state.

It is cringeworthy for one adult to use the word 'potty' when talking to another adult

The person who was working the like little cafe... was like, I gotta, I'm putting up this sign. I gotta go to the potty. And it's been in my head since, and I don't like another adult telling another adult I have to go use the potty is the most cringeworthy. Like I can't get outta my head.

The Denver airport was likely built by Nazis or the New World Order

Denver international airport airport built by Nazis, right? Well, it was built by the same person that or the same company that built the underground layer... There's a lot of, a lot of conspiracies about this place. There's miles of underground bunker... Something going on that doesn't add up.

The earth is 'rounded' like a vert ramp, not flat or circular

Everyone's been wrong cuz it's it's it's not flat or circular. It's rounded. Slightly angled. Yeah. It's like a, a tent that catches a little bit of wind underneath it.

You can never be at the same level of authentic humanity as Pat Tillman

I try to not talk too much about Pat because I feel like he lived his life at such a high level for me to talk for him... I'm trying to raise my game so I can actually be at that similar level, but you could never be at a level of someone like him.

Lion's Mane mushroom is a daily regimen everyone should use for brain health

Lions Mane is great for your brain for neuronal growth basically for all neurons in your body. Lions Mane is one that we're gonna have a lot of research done here soon that's gonna show that it's a something that everybody should have in their daily regimen.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

Neutrogena has discontinued the face wash I have used my entire life

I'm pretty sure the face wash I've been using my whole life has been discontinued... probably like middle school. And I've gone to like five or six CVSs... Neutrogena website, sorry for the inconvenience we're sold out. On Amazon it's going for $70. I've transferred to Cetaphil.

The 'Tony Pizza' boyfriend is a legend and it's a great nickname

My boyfriend won't stop calling me Tony pizza... it honestly bothers me that he can't even bother to find a somewhat nice nickname for me... backfire for this chick because everyone was like your boyfriend rocks. Tony Pizza is a hilarious nickname... Tony Pizza is a great nickname.

You shouldn't be called a streaker unless you are fully nude

You shouldn't be allowed to be called a streaker unless you're fully committed and you go totally nude on it. I wanna just tip my hat to that individual... and not just running out there in a t-shirt having Al Michaels be like, and we're not gonna show you the streaker on the field. Cause I think that's bullshit.

The 'Notes App' social media post is a top-tier way to announce a career change

We're gonna go with posting a notes app on social media to announce a career change. Thanking everybody involved... a lot of people, public figures do this, right? They say goodbye via notes app. And it usually puts their name in the trending column. So I think it moves the needle.

Wolverines are more closely related to seals and sea lions than they are to wolves

Wolverines are related to seals and sea lions closer than actual wolves.

Collecting signatures is objectively weird and has been replaced by the selfie

I don't think that as a society, we talk enough about the fact that collecting signatures is just fucking weird. Yeah. It is. Especially if you have a picture and you're like, 'Hey, can you write your name on the, on this picture that I have of you?'... I do think that the selfies have taken the place of it, which is a hundred percent, way more meaningful.

2023 will be the 'year of normality' and a return to normalcy

I'm gonna say that it's gonna be the year of just normality. A return to normalcy.

Any rich person who doesn't buy a sports team is untrustworthy

Any guy who or any person, because I'm a feminist, any woman guy who has that much money and doesn't buy a sports team, can't be trusted... Piece of shit. Because it's like, what is the point of having that much money and not owning a sports franchise? Like that's, that's the end goal of society. ... The end goal is like buy an NFL team. That's what rich people do.

A pet is the absolute worst gift to receive

Any animal that you have to take care of? It's like, not a, it's not something that let's say you don't like the gift you can, you know, pretend to like it. And then kind of just forget about it. If you get an animal, like you have to take care of that animal.

A gym membership is a terrible gift because it implies the recipient is fat

Number one, a gym membership, because the double double, like whammy of basically saying that you're fat and you need to get in shape. And then like the gift is you just have to go punish yourself at the gym, a gym membership fucking sucks to give someone.

Icing injuries is actually bad for recovery

Turns out ice is bad. I'm actually going to write a blog on that. There's tons of ice and cold is terrible for healing. It shuts down your inflammatory response, which actually is healing... ice is bad for like muscle gaining and like cold plunges are kind of good, but it's not you.

The mob deserves a better reputation because they built Las Vegas

The mob, shout out the mob. Mob gets a bad rep. They built Las Vegas for us. That's a fact. Say what you will about the mob. They built Las Vegas. Okay.

Climbing Mount Everest is now effectively 'glamping'

Everest is also kind of glamping nowadays. No, I mean, but that actually makes it worse for him because Everest is not even cool anymore. Everyone climbs Everest. I remember when Everest was like, oh, don't climb Everest. You'll fucking die. Now everyone fucking climbs Everest. There's like huge lines. Yep.

Squids have the largest eyeballs in the animal kingdom

Squids had the largest eyeball in the animal kingdom. Bigger than elephants. Oh yeah. I guess that would make sense. Right? There's just giant squid. ... Colossal squid. He's right. Damnit he's right.

Putting a monster bet on a primetime game kicks it up a notch

It is going to be putting a monster bet on like a prime time or big game when you're like, all right, Sunday night football. Let's go fucking all in here... That feeling, that rush you have where you're like, this is gonna be awesome.

60% of bank robberies go unsolved

My theory about bank robbers is I think you get away with robbing banks way more than we're told... I think like 60% of bank robberies go unsolved. It's a great business model.

I genetically cannot get a six-pack

I'll also never promise a six pack during the summer ever again. I am [getting there] but no. I don't think you genetically can get a six pack. Absolutely. I'm kidding. It's not everyone can get one. No, I am. I'm on the road there.

The James Webb telescope images are fake and look like a lava lamp

Those images... are freaking me out... but that could also just be some fucking scientists lava lamp and they just send it out and they're like, check this out guys... I did see this picture and I just said that's fake.

I can reach 90 hot dogs in 10 minutes if someone pushes me

The best way for me to get to 90 hot dogs would be somebody else eating 88... that's how you make some gains... the most I've ever eaten in in 10 minute practice is 82.

I will continue winning the Hot Dog Eating Contest until at least age 45

As long as I'm healthy, you can count me in at 40, 45 sounds would be awesome.

Albert Einstein is an idiot because he married his first cousin

Einstein. Smartest guy alive, fucking married his cousin. What a foe... he F fucked his cousin. That makes no sense... He's not that smart. In my opinion. He's an idiot... he was like, yeah, you're not this isn't too incestuous enough for me. I need some fucking [cousin].

The lighter was invented before the match

The lighter was invented before the match... that's crazy... it'd be like, let's make this worse [with the match].

People who wear SPF 50 sunscreen should just stay inside

I judge you if your SPF is 35 or plus... I want to put it on 50. I'm just immediately like, dude, just go inside. There's no reason to be outside. If you really can't handle this, just say you're not that guy pal. That's what I say to anyone who puts on 50.

Nick Turani is the biggest nerd in the Barstool office

And we have added the biggest nerd in the office in Nick Turani. It's fair to say here. Hot seat Jake. Yeah.

Gundren Rockseeker and Sildar are likely drug mules

We should check on the supplies. Should we look at them? Like we might be drug mules in this situation. You know how they say, like in an airport, don't take anybody else's bag for them. Right.

Jake Marsh's character Cake feels like a narc/cop

I'm just going to, [Big Cat] is or what's his name? Jake, you got a little problem with your beer there. What happened? I don't know what's going on... He's a cop like you on the basketball court check to see if he's a cop... Cause he feels like a cop.

An evil God is completely satisfied with the party's horrific actions

[Big Cat]: Greg, I'm not the one to tell you that your God is angry with you... what are the thoughts going through Greg's head? [Nick Turani]: My God has never been more proud of me.

PFT is the ultimate winner of the campaign after outlasting everyone

I'd like to just, I'd like to piss all over everybody... Everyone and there are some people making, saving, throws. They may live or die... but they're getting pissed on no matter what. And that is where we would finish up our game for today then.