Takes

The worst part of vacation is waking up on the third day after binge drinking

Waking up on the third day after binge drinking for two days, and it really just all sets in. I think Thursday. I basically just slept all day.

Different state laws are a top reason to stay home rather than go on vacation

Changing state laws. Like getting arrested in Virginia with a radar scanner... So I just like to stay home and I'll come to work anytime. This is way better than a cubicle by any means.

Truck nuts are the ultimate indicator of a douchebag

I will start with truck nuts. Truck nuts are the Mount Flushmore of car accessories. If you see a dude with truck nuts, he is 100% a douchebag.

Car eyelashes are a psycho move and reveal specific lifestyle traits

The front lights eyelashes. Psycho move... VW bug, throw the eyelashes on, probably own at least three pugs. Like the Venn diagram for pug ownership and eyelashes on your car is a big circle. And yeah, probably living a life alone.

Tape deck car adapters provide better audio quality than iPhone aux cords

To me, the tape deck aux that was hooked up to your Discman sounds clearer than plugging in an aux cord to your iPhone right now. Science will never reach that level of sophistication that we had in the year 2001 or 2002 when we developed that.

0.0 bumper stickers are the new leader for lamest car accessory

I actually think there's a new number one leader when it comes to distances that's way worse, the 0.0. I think that's the lamest. That one used to be funny, now it's so lame. The 0.0 is now worse than the half mile.

Judas belongs on the Mount Flushmore of worst teammates of all time

I'm going to go with Judas. I consider Judas to be a teammate. Sold out Jesus. All about the contract situation. Really fucked things up for the rest of the world because he was so selfish.

I have never had a bloody nose in my entire life

Good time to remind people that people don't believe me, but I've never had a bloody nose in my entire life. And I've been hit hard. Not a drug guy. Never had a bloody nose. I just don't think my nose can bleed.

The PT Cruiser is an objectively terrible car

Right off the bat, PT Cruiser. Easy. Bad car.

The Volkswagen Beetle is a lame car with two historically bad iterations

Whatever the fucking bubble-top Volkswagen car is. Lame. The Bug. Two bad iterations. One, it was Hitler's car. Two, when they brought it back and everyone was like, 'This is cool.' And it's like, no, it's not. It had a flower pot in it. Lame.

The original Hummer is the ultimate car of 'small dick energy'

I'll go with the original Hummer. When they had the Hummer out and it was the ultimate small dick energy car. If you've ever been in an original Hummer, they literally were not comfortable cars. They were terrible cars, gas guzzlers, all that shit. You basically just bought one to tell everyone that you're a badass, which actually means you're not a badass.

You shouldn't own a Jeep Wrangler unless you actually go off-roading

Unless you live on the beach and are doing off-roading on a fairly average basis, you shouldn't have a Jeep Wrangler. If you have a Jeep Wrangler in Massachusetts... you're not getting the use out of it that you need to. You're just doing it for a status symbol.

The Enterprise car wrapped in wrapping paper is the worst car in the world

The worst car in the world is the Enterprise pick-me-up car that's wrapped in a fucking wrapping paper. It's impractical. It drives me nuts. I hate that car. Enterprise car with the wrapping paper.

Driving a Ford Ranger means you have no friends

The Ranger is good for nothing except helping your friends move. That's it. If you drive a Ranger, you're telling me, I don't have friends. I'm looking for play dates so badly that I will do your chores for you.

Saabs are trash because they are impossible to get fixed

Saabs suck. Saabs are trash. Because you're basically buying a car that's like, you can't get this fixed anywhere. You have to go to the foreign auto shop. Saabs are bad.

White Volkswagen Jettas are strictly for drug dealers and girlfriends

White Jetta is just your girlfriend's car. Or a high school drug dealer. Like, hey, this isn't expensive but it's kind of nice... I would actually say that probably 33% of Pardon My Take listeners have either dated a girl that drives a Jetta or bought marijuana from somebody that drives a Jetta.

Water polo is the worst sport to participate in because you spend the whole time trying to drown each other

Water polo... why let's play keep away while we try to drown each other? No thanks. Treading water the whole time, you gotta be dealing with the worst cramps in the world. I can't imagine just having people just grab you try to hold you under water.

The bathroom is the safest place to be during a thunderstorm or tornado

Somewhere along the lines I was told that you'll get electrocuted if you [shower in a storm]. I don't think that's true at all. I think that there's probably no safer place to be during a thunderstorm or tornado than your bathroom.

I'm afraid of being the person walking past a musician in a viral video

My first one is being in a viral video of musicians on the subway... every time I see a musician in the subway, I'll just stand there for at least like 30 seconds. Just so I'm not one of the people in the video where it's like look at this guy, Paul McCartney playing and you just went right by.

I am afraid that someone will use my spit to frame me for a murder

I am always afraid... that someone will be able to use my spit and frame me for a murder. I'm just spitting my DNA everywhere. Someone's going to like basically catch it and be like, we got him now.

I am afraid that I will impulsively grab a police officer's gun

You know how when you see a police officer in line at like a Starbucks... and you're like what would happen if I just grab the gun? I'm always afraid that someday I'm just going to grab the gun. Not do anything with it, but just grab the gun and be like, got your gun!

I'm afraid the entire world is just a Matrix simulation

I'm afraid that this entire world like us sitting here right now is just an imagination of one huge species... every now and then I'm like, we're definitely in The Matrix and none of this is real. None of it. The last year has been very strong evidence.

South Dakota is the most unremarkable state in America

The most unremarkable State I don't even know if we have a listener here. If we do have a listener here tweet us. We'd love to hear from the listeners in the great state of South Dakota. who the fuck cares

Mississippi is a miserable place and a no-brainer for Mount Flushmore

An absolute no-brainer a few years ago. I did a a college tour... every state had a great time in pretty much all of them. The only one that was a bad time. Just a miserable place to be Mississippi. Oh, wow.

Delaware is only known for tax shelters and Joe Biden's corpse

Delaware number one a number one Delaware. What is in Delaware? Those people are tax. They've got a heart attack... all that's in Delaware is I guess Joe Biden's corpse and those weird tax companies credit card companies.

New York would be nice if it wasn't for the 80% of the population that is here

I will go with the state. We're all in right now, New York. Wooohooo! York State the Big Apple... since this quarantine is started... you realize a New York could be nice if like 80% of the population, which is All the time because like walking around during quarantine. It's nice.

Oklahoma is the JV version of Texas and robbed the world of the SuperSonics

Oklahoma... I don't really like the JV Texas. It's JV Texas tornadoes really suck. And also I'll be honest... I still feel like the The Thunder have blood on their hands for robbing the world of the SuperSonics.

Church is one of the worst places to be drunk

My number one, I'll go with... Church. If you just like taking sacrament too many times, blood of Jesus. You're the biggest lightweight of all time and you're an embarrassment.

Meeting your significant other's family for the first time is the worst place to be drunk

With your significant other's family for the first time. You do not want to be that guy. You will 100% be that guy or girl because you will 100% or it's a big experience. It's gotta happen someday further down the line, but at first... you then become the drunk guy forever.

Taking a tequila shot right before sex makes you a 'stallion'

Right before you have sex. Dude, I'm about to be a stallion. You don't have the anxiety. You don't know if it's not going to work yet. In that moment if you're [drunk] I'm just gonna go for it.

A 'nice light buzz' is the best way to fly on a plane

A nice light buzz is a great thing to have on a plane. You can't get too drunk on a plane because then it really starts to suck, but a nice light buzz is a great thing to have.

Mistaking a water bottle full of vodka for actual water is one of the worst experiences.

I will go with vodka that's in a water bottle that you [think is] water. That's the worst. You expect water and you get a throat full of vodka.

Icebergs are terrible and serve no purpose.

I've got icebergs. Hate icebergs. What have they ever done for anyone? They're terrible. They break off, it's a sign of a bad climate... they should all stay intact.

Cardboard Boxed Water is a terrible product that tastes disgusting.

Cardboard water is my last one. Oh, that shit sucks. Like Boxed Water... it sucks, it's disgusting.

Brackish water is garbage water because it won't pick a lane between fresh and salt.

My last one is going to be brackish water. It's the mix of fresh water and salt water. It's like pick a lane. It's just shit water.