Takes

There is no industry in Indiana important enough to keep people at work on the Friday before the Indy 500

That's like a normal Friday in Indiana, isn't it? Like what industry in Indiana that makes you come to work on Friday [of Carb Day]?

Grit has been co-opted and ruined by Harvard researchers and psychologists

I've seen over the past, like two years, the pussification of grit in America. Like grit has been co-opted by Harvard researchers, by doctors, by psychologists... It's people trying to teach grit. People who have like a silver spoon in their mouths, a doctor in front of their name, trying to tell me what it means to be gritty.

Buffalo, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and Cincinnati are the backbones of America and the only places worth visiting on vacation

These are the places, these are the backbones of America... people will say hey when you go on vacation where do you go? Oh I go to California, I go to Florida, I go to Arizona. When we go on vacation, we go to Buffalo. We go to Cleveland. We go to Pittsburgh. We go to Cincinnati.

Regular assault and battery laws could and should apply to baseball fights

Being on the field like that in a baseball game especially, I don't think in my mind that in a baseball game that this is something that you could say, well, they assume the risk. I think the regular rules of assaults and battery could and should apply in this situation.

A baseball field is like international waters with no rules

As far as I can tell... a baseball field is like international waters where there are no rules.

Never draw attention to yourself at work or people will find your secrets

In life, never draw attention to yourself because then people start digging. So like if you're at work, you never want to be the guy who does a great job... Just try to be average at all times, because the minute you do something exceptional, people start witch hunting you.

Once you reach a certain level of wealth, you can ignore the world and its pressure

I don't like Dan Snyder, but I respect that once you get to a certain level of wealth, you can just say fuck you to the whole world no matter what happens. The pressure of the world doesn't count. It was like Jerry Jones who basically said Greg Hardy should run for president... Once you get to a certain level, it just doesn't matter.

The NBA Draft Lottery was rigged for Philadelphia

I actually am going to side with Philly on this one and say that it was rigged for Philly.

The 'Rock N Jock' era celebrities would beat current ESPN Celebrity All-Stars

The old rock and jock days of the 90s, the MTV rock and jock days, we would definitely, if you took the best players from then, we would definitely be able to compete with the ESPN celebrity all-star game guys for sure. No doubt. There's not a lot of ball movement with the ESPN guys. It's a very self-centric game.

Steph Curry is easy to love but I understand why people want to start hating him

[Steph Curry] is everything right in terms of... but he's not trying to be everything right. I think he's just a genuinely nice guy and a chill dude... but if you want that [hate] bandwagon I understand.

I only became a Kobe Bryant fan after he became an underdog during his legal scandal

I came back around to Kobe when he became the bad guy and he became the underdog... when the shit hit the fan with him, I wanted to see... [Post-sexual assault] I became a fan of Kobe. That's just like a weird thing with me.

Tiger Woods should ditch Nike for Champion or Costco to lower expectations

I think it's time for Tiger Woods to ditch Nike because you see Tiger Woods in the Nike and you think of early 2000s... height of his powers. And you're like, why is this guy not the same? I think he needs to be sponsored by like Champion... or like Costco.

Carl Malone's 'The Mailman' is one of the worst nicknames because it's redundant

I used to think it was mailman, like man, male, like guy, dude, the mailman, like finally a male for men... I just think it's a little bit redundant. That's all. Plus, like he delivers. Yeah, I get it. That's lame.

The Undefeated website is racist against white people

I kind of see what they're saying that the Undefeated is racist... Listen, we've sat here long enough as white males being persecuted. When are we going to get our say in sports media?

The ESPN Undefeated website is essentially 'the KKK for black people'

[The Undefeated] becomes the KKK for black people. Yeah, basically.

You should always throw the first punch against a man named Rougned Odor

Rule of thumb. You always throw the first punch against a guy named Rougned. That's a guy that can't go back. That's a guy that's got nothing to lose right there.

Jose Bautista didn't expect to be punched because real punches never happen in baseball fights

[Bautista] basically was like, I can guarantee that this won't happen because it's never, ever happened. I mean, the last time a true punch was thrown, Michael Barrett and AJ Pierzynski, I mean, it's been a long time. So he banked on that.

Raptors fans treating every sport like soccer is bizarre

Here's the thing about other countries besides the United States. They treat every sporting event like it's a soccer game. Like they get together in the big town square where you're not allowed to have open containers... there's a lot of scarf wearing going on out there. That's always been a very bizarre thing to me.

Cleveland fans shouldn't complain about losing because they are all Ohio State fans who win every year

Everyone in Cleveland crying in their soup about all their losses. They're all Ohio State fans. And they win every fucking year. Shut up.

I despise Cavaliers fans but have a kindred love for Browns fans, despite them being the same people

I fucking hate Cavs fans. I like Browns fans. I know they're the same people, and I know that makes me a dumb person... but I truly do despise Cavs fans and have almost like a kindred love for Browns fans.

Kids do not belong in a Major League clubhouse because it is a professional environment for grown men

Kids are not meant to be in a grown man environment. It's baseball. This is a job. There's things said day in and day out that kids should not hear... there are explosions in the clubhouse. Kids do not need to see that.

If I took steroids, I would have hit at least 70 home runs in a season

If you did take steroids, how many home runs do you think you could have hit in a season? 70. I was going to say 100, but okay. I would say 70. Yeah, because I remember so many balls being hit every year that just really were caught on the wall or hit off the top of the wall.

Steph Curry should get a divorce to become likable again because Americans love a broken person

My advice would be get a divorce. Nobody likes the married guy that's having sex with his hot wife all the time. If you're really good at your job, you get a divorce, you get a lot of sympathy from everybody... get everyone on your side immediately.

Steph Curry needs a tragedy in his family to become likable again because Americans don't like perfect people

I don't want someone in Seth Curry's family to die, but if someone did die in his family, he would immediately lift the air of like hateability... I'll admit when my take got a little too hot, got away from me... but if someone did die, he would immediately lift the air of like hateability.

Americans do not like perfect people; they prefer athletes who fuck up like normal people

The bottom line is Americans don't like perfect... so just like make yourself more like us, you know, like get caught taking like sending a nude to somebody or sliding into somebody's DMs. Like be just like the rest of us normal Americans, you know, fucking up a little bit.

Olympic cancellation rumors are just a PR stunt to remind people the Olympics are happening

I swear to God, they pretend it's canceled the Olympics every Olympics just to remind us the Olympics are coming... how else do you pump everyone up for the Olympics in the beginning of May?... Their whole PR 101 is they just remind you it's happening by scaring the fuck out of everyone.

I would trade four months of being sick with Zika to win a gold medal for my country

Why is it that big of a deal to get the Zika virus if you're going to get a gold medal? I would trade four months of being sick as a dog to win, not win it for myself, but win it for my country. I would shit through a screen door for four months if it meant that my country got a gold medal.

Monogamy is overrated and unrealistic

I happen to think that monogamy is way overrated and unrealistic. And that is a philosophy that I do try to bring into my personal life. And, um, you know, I, I like to keep my options open in general.

Retired players should fake-tweet they are returning to the league just to get back into the news cycle

I think more players should start doing this where they just fake tweet that they're coming out of retirement. Just get people talking about him because I didn't even know Jason Campbell was retired... Jeff George should just tweet something racist tomorrow just to get the rush of being like a celebrity again.

LeBron James is the most valuable player in the NBA, regardless of who wins MVP

I would say LeBron should be the MVP this year, though. He is the most valuable player in the NBA. That's a fact. Well, I guess we got to get into a debate over what valuable means.

Never stay for a third night at a Vegas bachelor party

You want to go for two days like two nights and then fly out of town on the third day. If you stay for the third day, the chance of you dying or getting arrested goes up like 150%.

Don't try to coordinate group activities for a Vegas bachelor party if you have more than six guys

If it's anything more than six guys, don't worry about doing anything together because it just won't happen. Every time I've gone to a Vegas bachelor party, it's been like 15 guys. And there are actually people I don't even know were on the bachelor party because I just never saw them.

Check yourself into the hospital to avoid being in trouble with your mom for missing an event

Check yourself into the hospital. Say you got some kind of injury or something. Cause your mom instantly goes from being furious at you for missing her birthday to so worried about you.

I'm officially done with Riley Curry

I'm hashtag done with Riley Curry. i've i've had it that's riley time riley curry okay yeah it was it was cool last year um it was a nice little like diversion from the normal post game press conference now i feel like i feel like she's reading her press clippings a little bit too much and she thinks that she's really cute and she might be really cute but she she knows that she's really cute now and last year she didn't know it she was just being cute so um i'm done with riley curry don't want to see her again

The NBA deserves bad officiating because they retired the great iconoclasts like Joey Crawford

Joey Crawford's retirement is one of the darkest moments in what has been a pretty lackluster season... Officiating in the NBA was better with two guys who knew what they were doing... now they get Scott Fosters. Now they get Tony Brothers. They deserve it. They deserve to have nothing but crappy officiating from now until the end of time.

I'm sick of eSports being pushed on regular people

i'm not into esports but i am into drone racing... Esports are for all the people who think the NFL is going away... Let's have a bunch of nerds play video games and we'll watch and we'll take over for all of our, you know, sports that we've loved for 100 years. Get the fuck out of here, man. I'm sick of the esports thing. I really am.

I could knock out Floyd Mayweather in a punch-for-punch fight

Punch for punch. I get three months to train my neck... Punch for punch. I could knock out Floyd Mayweather. People forget Floyd Mayweather is like 140 pounds, and I'm like 230, baby... As long as I can train my neck, that's the only stipulation I get.

Bob Costas is passionate about every sport he covers except for Sunday Night Football, where he sucks

Everything that [Bob Costas] attends, that's the kind of passion that Bob puts, except for Sunday night football. He sucks at that. He's like, 'hey, America, knock it off with the guns.' And then everyone's like, 'oh, shit, we should probably get rid of our guns.'

Bryce Harper is a coward for taking intentional walks instead of swinging at pitch-outs

I actually think that Bryce Harper is a coward for not swinging at any of those pitches. Say what you want about Vlad Guerrero, but the guy would take a cut at a pitch out. My question is, if Harper doesn't like it so much, why does he put a stop to it and just take a running start and just groove one of the meatballs that's thrown outside?

Dusty Baker's toothpick look is a 'I'm better than you' power move

Dusty's got the biggest gut in the game... the one thing I respect about Dusty and I've always respected, he's a toothpick guy. And I'm publicly in the market to be a toothpick guy because it's a very hard look to pull off, to just always have a toothpick in. He'll have an interview and he'll have a toothpick in, which is kind of like 'I'm better than you. You don't even deserve for me to take this toothpick out of my mouth' move.

Mother's Day on social media is just a contest to see who can love their mom the hardest

The Mother's Day in the social media era is basically who can love their mom the hardest and tweet about loving their mom... It's become a big contest.

New Zealanders and Australians are just cooler than Americans

Anyone from those two countries [New Zealand and Australia], they're just cool people. That's just a fact. They're cooler than us.

Dwyane Wade dunking during the Canadian national anthem is the most American thing possible

He was actually dunking during it, which I think is the most American thing that you can do is just be dunking during another country's anthem. But like, isn't there a fine line between being like too courteous to another country and then committing treason? Because if you're really respecting the other anthem, that means that you don't love your own country.

My alliterative name is a huge reason for my success

It's a huge part of my success and a big reason why I kind of am where I am today. [Matt Bortles or Ted Bortles] nowhere near it – no, not even close.

The Bears only win because of 'Bear Weather'

[Big Cat]: The 85 Bears basically won because of bear weather... when the weather gets worse, the bears get better. [Bortles]: Is that like something you guys say or you're actually talking about like Mother Nature?

Blake Bortles should embrace male pattern baldness to avoid being hated

You need to let it go. Go full male pattern baldness. If you have a quarterback who has beautiful hair and is ascending and a great quarterback, people are going to come and start hating you. If you have a hilarious male pattern baldness, if you look like Larry David and you're an NFL quarterback... who's going to make fun of you?

Newspaper guys only use Twitter to complain at airlines

Newspaper guys also love to complain about airlines. That's actually, like, the only reason newspaper guys have Twitter accounts, so that they can tweet at the airlines. And also, all their Twitter accounts, it's their stock photo from the newspaper picture day in 1992.

Bartolo Colon is allowed to do steroids because he never goes to the gym

Bartolo Colon, though, he absolutely falls under our pardon my take, use it, don't abuse it steroid law because there's no way he goes to a gym. So if he wants to do steroids, he can do steroids as far as I'm concerned.

I like 'White Randy Moss' more than the football-playing Randy Moss

Not to be racist, but I like white Randy Moss more than black Randy Moss. ... I'm a bigger Randy Moss fan, the [broadcaster], than I am of the football playing Randy Moss.

I want to see a linebacker demolish the special needs kid during feel-good football plays

Does it make me a bad person that when that happens I always want some kid to just like truck stick them? ... I always want the opposing linebacker to just demolish the special needs kid and be like, no free plays on my field.