Takes

Russell Wilson is built like a dump truck

Russell Wilson... guy's built like a dump truck. He is, he's got a fat ass.

It is cringeworthy for one adult to use the word 'potty' when talking to another adult

The person who was working the like little cafe... was like, I gotta, I'm putting up this sign. I gotta go to the potty. And it's been in my head since, and I don't like another adult telling another adult I have to go use the potty is the most cringeworthy. Like I can't get outta my head.

The red zone should be called the 'gold zone'

Why does everybody call it the red zone? Why would I wanna stop? I mean you can call it the green zone, but everybody uses that for third down. And if we're talking about money, I want the it's gold zone. I mean, touchdowns give you gold.

The Denver airport is the worst one we have reviewed so far

I'm just gonna say it... I take Indy airport and Madison airport over this airport. [PFT: It's in last place.] It's firm last place. That's new power rankings are out.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are the best candy overall

One, one, no brainer. Pick hat knows this favorite candy. I literally had it for breakfast this morning. Reese's.

Peanut Butter M&Ms are better than regular M&Ms

Our third pick, we're gonna go with peanut butter M&Ms... Easy money in the bank. I would take that over regular M&M actually all day, all day. If somebody handed you a bag of regular M&Ms, and one peanut butter, you're taking peanut butter every time.

Pink is the greatest Starburst flavor

Pink one. One's... Pink is the, is the goat. Pink's the only one for me.

Sean Marks is a bad GM because he brought in Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving

I kind of agree with Kevin Durant. I think that Sean Marks is a bad GM because he brought Kevin Durant in. So Kevin Durant is right. They should fire him for bringing him in there.

Linebackers have become the running backs of the defense

I think that linebackers have kind of become the running backs of the defense where you don't need to pay a right. You don't need to start. Right. And I, in a way, like I missed the old days where it was, you know, like a linebacker centric league.

You can never be at the same level of authentic humanity as Pat Tillman

I try to not talk too much about Pat because I feel like he lived his life at such a high level for me to talk for him... I'm trying to raise my game so I can actually be at that similar level, but you could never be at a level of someone like him.

Todd Bowles and Mike Zimmer are two of the toughest defensive coaches to play against

I think Todd Bowles has done a good job at that over the years. I think he's a really good coach. What coach Bowles does with the pressure package. Mike Zimmer for a long time was as hard as it came playing against because they had eight up looks... and they had every variation.

The West Coast offense is the most beautiful offense ever created

I grew up in the West Coast offense. West Coast offense, I think is the most beautiful offense ever created. It's very, it's about timing and rhythm and balance and everything makes sense protection wise... It started with Bill Walsh and Montana and Paul Hackett.

Too much pre-snap motion makes it hard for a quarterback to manage tempo

I tell Matt [LaFleur] the same thing. I'm not telling you guys anything I wouldn't tell him. I got after him a day because every freaking play there's God motion. I'm like, can we run one play without a motion so we can get some tempo going? Because I like to switch the tempo... when you have so much motion, it's hard to get tempo going because you always gotta make sure you're set.

Sean McDermott is a sleeper pick for a fight because of his wrestling background

This one I think is also pretty obvious, but might not be to the naked eye. It's Sean McDermott. He was a back to back national prep champion wrestler, like all time. Good wrestler had a 61 and oh record surrendering just one take down. You get in a fight, how many people that you fighting know how to wrestle?

Steve Harvey has surpassed Louie Anderson as the greatest game show host

One guy who's transcended all of that [Alex Trebek] and even surpassed Louie Anderson, who nobody thought ever could, is Steve Harvey with Family Feud. He's America's host... I think Steve definitely did that.

Bill Belichick would be an elite fighter because he knows pressure points

Bill Belichick. He's a little older now, but Dalton and Roadhouse where he sees all the angles and he sees a guy with a knife in his boot before the knife comes out. I also feel like he's a big time pressure point guy. He could just walk up to you and you'd faceplant.

The COVID grandmother jokes are not funny

I mean, I know you guys are fucking around. I don't find that, that part funny. I really don't like--

I'll try to get you thrown in jail but I'll never make fun of your family

I'll try to get you in jail. I'll tell you that you're the biggest piece of shit ever, but I'll never make fun of your family.

As soon as the first quarter of the first preseason game is over, I am done with the preseason

Every Hall of Fame game's the exact same... Seeing the field is great. And then you're just like, okay, this kind of sucks. I want the real football. It's very funny. When the first preseason game happens, I'm so excited to watch it. And then as soon as we get through the first quarter, the first preseason game, I'm like just fucking get over with the preseason, I'm done with the preseason.

Vin Scully is the best play-by-play broadcaster of all time

Yeah, no, definitely. He is the best play-by-play broadcaster of all time. He has moments that you could put in a dictionary. Like you could fill a dictionary with just thousands of pages... If I could have 1% of the success that he had, that would be a successful career. He is the best ever.

The Cleveland Browns are the 'rapist franchise' for betting on a light Deshaun Watson sentence

Anytime you're like I'm betting on a sex criminal getting a light sentence. That's the good thing that can happen for me. You're fucked. It's also like betting on Hitler to win World War II. Right? It's like you won, but it's like now you're the rapist franchise. Yeah. Congratulations.

Lamar Jackson has a very high ceiling for his sex life because of how weird he is

Lamar is such a fucking weird guy. I can't even fathom how he fucks. Like him being his own agent is weird, but it could be that kind of thing where it's like a weird guy often has either he can't fuck at all. Or he has top shelf Dick. Right? ... I'm kind of thinking Lamar's got, he's so strange. But when he zeros in on pussy, he goes fucking be on it.

Doug Peterson fucks with the visor on and is likely a swinger

Doug Peterson, he fucks with the visor on... [Big Cat: He definitely seems like absolutely... leave the garage cracked... come on in, got a hot tub... The whole cul-de-sac is coming to Doug Peterson's house.] He's got like seven different blenders in his room. Like here's my, this is my Thai room here.

Russell Wilson probably invites his trainer to help him with dry reps in the bedroom

I actually think that Russell Wilson probably like cares so much about doing a good job that he would like invite his trainer to help him with... dry reps on the practice field. He probably does that in front of the mirror. Just like fully hard, no partner. Just working on his cross.

Kirk Cousins wears three condoms and a dental dam for max protection

Kirk Cousins is like vegan adjacent. He wears three condoms and a dental dam or whatever. Max protection... No flavor whatsoever going on in that fuck session... He's getting head with a condom on. We've gotta be safe.

Pete Carroll has the best sex of any NFL head coach

Pete Carroll has great... probably the best sex of any NFL head coach. But in my mind he's having sex with like a beautiful female version of exactly Pete Carroll. [Stavros: Watching Pete Carroll chew gum would get my pussy drenched.] They're fucking in the rain. He's still got the raincoat on top.

Bill Gates is a loser for using his hall pass on a woman his own age

Bill Gates is such a fucking loser. He could have any girl in the world. His wife gave him a hall pass and he fucked someone his exact same age... Money buys everything. [PFT: He might be the exception.] Instead he was like, yeah, remember that when I was 16 and we kissed underneath the bleachers... but she's also 70. You have no imagination.

We are getting ripped off because guests aren't paying us $50,000 to appear on the podcast

We're getting ripped off as a podcast because that came out yesterday saying that people are paying up to $50,000 to appear on podcast. No one's ever even approached us and asked us to pay for coming on our podcast. In fact, it's only been the other way around... We should start billing people that have already been on the show.

Juan Soto is Babe Ruth and Barry Bonds combined

I'm gonna miss him. [Juan Soto] is 23. He's Ted Williams. He might be better than Ted Williams. He's Babe Ruth and Barry Bonds combined.

Deshaun Watson is a predator

I will go one more than scumbag. I think Deshaun Watson is a predator. And he's a bad guy, but the problem with how this all shook out is he settled with a lot of the women.

Every NFL team should be tampering

I'm saying everyone should tamper in the NFL. Why not fucking go for it? If you're not tampering, you're not trying.

Pineapple is a tier-one fruit

Next pick, our next pick is pineapple. Great fruit. Tier one. Pineapple makes everything taste good. It's big and strong.

Bill Russell is the most 'Mount Rushmore-able' NBA player ever

[Bill Russell] might be the most Mount Rushmoreable professional basketball player of all time. Like on various Mount Rushmores. Yeah. As far as like what he did obviously for the Celtics, he's maybe the most clutch postseason player of all time. He was 10 and 0 in elimination games in the playoffs.

The 'Tony Pizza' boyfriend is a legend and it's a great nickname

My boyfriend won't stop calling me Tony pizza... it honestly bothers me that he can't even bother to find a somewhat nice nickname for me... backfire for this chick because everyone was like your boyfriend rocks. Tony Pizza is a hilarious nickname... Tony Pizza is a great nickname.

The pitcher-catcher chemistry is overrated; catchers are pros

I think it's ridiculous when guys have to have a certain catcher behind the plate. I think it's stupid. As long as you got a catcher's mitt behind the plate and you've gone over the hitters with me in the pre-game meeting and we're on the same page, I don't give a shit... some of these starting pitchers need to take a step back and maybe take some of the blame... If you're in the big leagues, your job description is the same as the next guy.

Jacob deGrom is the best starting pitcher to ever put on a uniform

I've blown the guy for years. I just think he's the best. And I've said this, I think he's the best starting pitcher to ever put the uniform on. If he stays healthy people might think that's crazy. Some people love it. Just watching him live and on TV... he struck out nine out of ten. It's the best shit I've ever seen ever from any pitcher.

The Arizona Cardinals leaked Kyler Murray's contract to make him look bad

I think it was more along the lines of, he thinks it's disrespectful that somebody leaked the contract... because it doesn't make anybody look good. It doesn't make the Cardinals look good to be like, oh yeah, we just guaranteed 166 million to a guy that we have to monitor to make sure he is doing his homework every night.

You shouldn't be called a streaker unless you are fully nude

You shouldn't be allowed to be called a streaker unless you're fully committed and you go totally nude on it. I wanna just tip my hat to that individual... and not just running out there in a t-shirt having Al Michaels be like, and we're not gonna show you the streaker on the field. Cause I think that's bullshit.

The 'Notes App' social media post is a top-tier way to announce a career change

We're gonna go with posting a notes app on social media to announce a career change. Thanking everybody involved... a lot of people, public figures do this, right? They say goodbye via notes app. And it usually puts their name in the trending column. So I think it moves the needle.

I would pay any price for NBA League Pass

For the NBA league pass, I would pay anything. I have to watch those games. So I think it's like, I think it's 300 bucks. I don't know what it is, but don't tell Adam silver, but if it was higher I would pay higher.

We are actively trying to never be nominated for a Sports Emmy unless it is for the John Cena interview

We are actively trying to never be nominated for everything... if they wanna nominate us and only do it on our John Cena interview, we're in.

Collecting signatures is objectively weird and has been replaced by the selfie

I don't think that as a society, we talk enough about the fact that collecting signatures is just fucking weird. Yeah. It is. Especially if you have a picture and you're like, 'Hey, can you write your name on the, on this picture that I have of you?'... I do think that the selfies have taken the place of it, which is a hundred percent, way more meaningful.

Historic NFL franchises should not use alternate helmets because they look 'candy ass'

The bears unveiled their new helmets. It's now cool for every team. ... that doesn't mean every team needs to do a alternate helmet and the bears kind of were the first team to show up and be like, oh yeah, not every team needs to do this. ... historic franchises should just keep with their regular helmets because there's no reason we're... we're not the Jaguars. ... It's Mickey mouse. It's it's it's candy ass.

Beachfront spray kiosks for sunscreen would be a 'godsend' invention

I have a beach idea. ... it's a spray tan booth, but it's got sunscreen, spray sunscreen in it. So you just walk through it, they set up like a kiosk and you walk through it on your way out to the beach. You pay like 10 bucks and then you turn around like your Tony Hawk, your entire body gets coated in sunscreen. I feel like for kids, especially if you got kids, this is like a godsend of an invention.

Stephen A. Smith taking a month off for a shoulder injury in August is a 'soft move'

Stephen A. Smith is, but I do think, I do think he's talking about anything because he's taking the entire fucking month of August off with his shoulder injury, because he's not man enough to go on the air in August and talk about sports. This is, this is actually what really separates the good take Smiths from the bad ones. ... this is a soft move by Steven A. Smith.

I only care about comedy and hate acting, even though I keep getting offered roles

I only care about comedy. Right? You gotta force me to act. Right. I don't, I'm saying this right now. And every time I say it, I get offered another gig. I don't like acting right. I'm bad at it.

Malcolm Gladwell is a guy who is just smart enough for dumb people to think he's a genius

Malcolm Gladwell is the, is the perfect case of a guy who's just smart enough that dumb people like ourselves think he's a genius. And then real smart people are like, no, no, no, no, this guy's full of shit.

Any rich person who doesn't buy a sports team is untrustworthy

Any guy who or any person, because I'm a feminist, any woman guy who has that much money and doesn't buy a sports team, can't be trusted... Piece of shit. Because it's like, what is the point of having that much money and not owning a sports franchise? Like that's, that's the end goal of society. ... The end goal is like buy an NFL team. That's what rich people do.

James Dolan's 'Moneyball' approach to overpaying for good-but-not-great players is relatable

I kinda actually like, now that I'm saying it, I kind of like James Dolan's process strategy. ... as a gambling brain, I think the same thing where it's like, maybe this is maybe it's just like, everyone just plays their best for an entire season. ... let's sign people and just hope for the absolute best case scenario all the time. ... That is a gambling brain of like, yeah. Yeah. This is the one that's gonna work.

A pet is the absolute worst gift to receive

Any animal that you have to take care of? It's like, not a, it's not something that let's say you don't like the gift you can, you know, pretend to like it. And then kind of just forget about it. If you get an animal, like you have to take care of that animal.