Takes

Eli Manning didn't play as poorly in 2018 as the media portrays

Eli didn't play that bad last year. He did not. He did not. Dude, sir. The team stopped. His line was awful. I said he didn't play as poorly as you guys are portraying.

The Indianapolis airport bathroom is a 7.5 out of 10

I thought my stall was fantastic... handicap stall has its own sink. Lack of urinals is a problem. There's only three... overall PFT, I would give it 7.5.

The word 'thick' is officially cancelled because Trey Wingo used it

My hot seat this week is thick. ... I'm actually canceling thick. Because Trey Wingo, he caught wind of it. ... the fact that Trey used a double C, it was like watching Darren Rovell kill 69 jokes in real time.

Patrick Kane is the greatest American-born hockey player ever

Kane, holy shit, he keeps getting better. It's the best I think it's the best he's ever been. It's just he's the best American-born player ever. That's my hot take of the day.

LeBron James is a piece of shit teammate and a bad look for the sport of basketball

Big Cat, I know you love hoops, but what he's doing right now... It's actually pathetic. It's just so embarrassing. He's the worst role model I've ever seen. ... He is just a shitbag. He's such a shitty teammate.

Rebounding is more about hard work and film study than just effort

I think it's more hard work than anything. I think you have to look at film. You've got to look at people. You've just got to go out there and just put everything on the line. As far as scoring, that's easy.

If you died before the year 2000, you are essentially a caveman compared to people today

Essentially as much has changed in the world in the last 20 years. Correct. Where if you died prior to the year 2000, you're basically a caveman if we were to bring you back. ... Zero clout. They're fucking idiots.

Adam Schefter is helping Robert Kraft by reporting there is a 'bigger name' in the prostitution sting

Adam Schefter says there's a bigger name involved, and somehow we don't have the bigger name, which leads me to believe that Adam Schefter is doing Robert Kraft a favor by basically sending everyone on a wild goose chase to figure out if Tiger Woods got jerked off.

Prostitution and sports gambling should both be legal

Prostitution should be legal because gambling should be prostitution and we take all the bad things out of the shadows so that people don't get harmed. Yes, and you should be able to do both on sports. They should have prostitutes in stadiums.

Eating out of bowls is superior to eating off plates

Bowls are way, way better than plates. Would we all agree? There's nothing that you can eat out of a plate that you can't also eat out of a bowl. Everything's getting put in a bowl these days. America is hung up on bowl culture.

You choose your own destination once you are high

It's mind-altering. You choose your path once you're high. That is fucking deep. You choose your own path when you're high. You choose the destination when you're high. Make sure you fucking write that down.

I am one of the top five hash makers/pressers in the world

I'm one of them. [Top five hash squishers]. For sure. There's no doubt about it. It's like the Kobe beef of making hash. I press the hash. I do the Revlon. But that's also a talent and an art in itself.

Identifying your own white privilege but not changing your behavior is 'Schrodinger's White Privilege'

It's like Schrodinger's white privilege. Just identifying it makes it something. But it also makes it exist and not exist at the same time? Like, if you identify that you're acting like a dick... Newsflash, you're still acting like a dick. If you stop acting like a dick, then you're no longer acting like a dick. I don't think that it can be Schrodinger's dick or not.

Roy Williams is a better coach than Coach K because of his jackets

Roy Williams, I would say, is a better coach than Coach K, by the way... I'm saying his jackets. That's the only reason that I'm giving you right now, Hank... I'm Roy Williams. I'm going to be a dadgum good dresser. Dadgummit.

I would rather be a racehorse than any other athlete

Horse racing... You compete three times. If you retire at the top of your field, and then you just fuck for the rest of your life. That's all you do. You just get paid to fuck, fuck, fuck.

Being hungry is much better than being thirsty

I would rather be hungry than thirsty because I feel like if you are properly hydrated, like you're okay. You can survive for a very long time... I love being hungry because it means I haven't eaten, so I'm feeling kind of skinny.

Kyrie Irving's leadership style is based on his Uncle Drew character

I think Kyrie Irving has just thought he is like now Uncle Drew because he was in that movie. He is like the old guy who's trying to teach everyone else on the team... he doesn't really know how to be like a true leader except for a really bad Hollywood movie.

Manny Machado is effectively early retiring by signing with the San Diego Padres

This is basically a — he almost is early retiring. He's quitting. It's a great situation for him because they're not going to win shit, and he doesn't really care about winning shit. He's going to be able to stomp on all the feet that he wants out there. He's going to be able to dog infield ground balls.

Dick Vitale is losing his edge as a college basketball commentator

I'm a big Dickie V fan. I'm okay that they took him off the [Duke vs. UNC] game. I think they did it a little early, but I will give a little bit of a hat tip to whoever decided it... I listened to Dickie V on Saturday and it's fading on us, boys. I don't want to say it, but he's kind of losing it.

Trevor Bauer is the smartest man in baseball, according to Trevor Bauer

The thesis that you can give after reading this is Trevor Bauer is the smartest man in baseball, according to Trevor Bauer. [Big Cat]: Jesus Christ. What a fucking wacko.

The further south you drive, the worse the drivers get

The thing about people that drive in traffic regularly like in New York, they at least know how to merge. Like you go to — I think it's the further south you go, the worse the drivers are.

Fights are good for NASCAR and the league secretly loves them

Is it good for the sport? Absolutely. They secretly are high-fiving. You know, you don't want anyone to get hurt. They'll put out there that, you know, we don't like it. No way. It's like Dana White. They love it. Gets eyeballs.

I would rather be a dead-eye three-point shooter for the rest of my life than be able to dunk

If I could pick one for the rest of my life, to be awesome at dunking or wet from three at all times, I think I would take wet from three... Anytime you're open, think about this. Any guy in the NBA, like if they're open, they just make it. Having that would be so incredible.

Antonio Brown exposing Ben Roethlisberger's 'owner mentality' is not news because everyone knows Ben is a dick

Antonio Brown... basically explained his conflict with Ben Roethlisberger, basically saying Ben Roethlisberger has an owner mentality and he can call everybody out... I don't really think Antonio Brown, if you want to go a certain route with this to gain public favor, being like, hey, Ben Roethlisberger's a dick, too, is not really—we all know that.

John Elway is the third or fourth best quarterback of all time

He's probably the third best quarterback of all time. Third or fourth.

Oldest player dunking should be a new All-Star Weekend contest

We should, to make the dunk contest better, before the dunk contest, they should do a contest, oldest guy that can dunk. So oldest NBA player that can still dunk... I want to know who all the retired guys have gotten fat.

MLB is the only All-Star game that still gets the juices flowing

I feel like MLB is the only All-Star game that really gets the juices flowing now... at least still you can't half-ass baseball. A pitcher is still going to throw their stuff. Pro Bowl, NHL, NBA, everyone's just going through the motions.

Zion Williamson should sit out the rest of the college season

I think Zion Williamson should sit out the rest of the year and save himself for the NBA. Honestly, though, seriously, all jokes aside, if he blows out a knee or something like that, he probably won't be a top five pick anymore... Your job is not to make Coach K another $10 million. Your job is to look after your own future.

Kirk Cousins needs to stop tweeting or only tweet about charity

Kirk Cousins has reached a point where he cannot tweet anymore... He is very, very earnest and genuine. He can't tweet. He cannot tweet anymore... The only thing Kirk Cousins should be tweeting is about charity. Go charity route or delete your account.

John Dorsey leaked the Kareem Hunt video to drive down his price for the Browns

The Stay Woke is John Dorsey is the general manager of the Browns. He was the general manager of the Chiefs. He drafted Kareem Hunt. Kareem Hunt's incident happened in a Cleveland hotel. It didn't come out for a long time. John Dorsey's in Cleveland. It comes out. Then John Dorsey gets Kareem Hunt for a million bucks.

Papa John is the new face of Kentucky basketball

I think we should just go with a take that Papa John is now the new face of Kentucky basketball. When I think UK Wildcats, I think shitty pizza.

Having a pass batted at the line of scrimmage is better than throwing an interception

I submit that getting your passes batted at the line of scrimmage is better because some of those balls would have turned into interceptions. So Brock Osweiler throws a lot of balls that don't get tipped. And he trips over himself. That's why he throws so many interceptions.

An NFL starting quarterback is the apex predator of the sports world

If you have the choice of being an NFL quarterback or an outfielder, maybe an outfielder for the Oakland A's, it's not really a choice. And it's like you're it's the national brand of being a national hero versus being maybe at your absolute peak... starting quarterbacks in the NFL are the top, they're apex predators in the sports world.

NBA dads are correct that traveling is no longer called in the league

My cool throne is dads. Because we're all in agreement now that traveling is no longer called in the NBA. So, dads, you were right. They don't call it anymore. It was a gather step, bro. No, it was five steps... There were three gather steps, and then there were two more steps.

'Abducted in Plain Sight' is the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched

Whatever you're doing right now, drop everything and watch Abducted in Plain Sight because it is—let's just say it's the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched. Not like a good—it wasn't one of those documentaries where you come across being like, man, I'm really thinking about it. It was awesome. I just said what the fuck probably about 15 times.

The NFL was within its rights to prevent Bob Costas from bashing the league during a broadcast

Of course the NFL was like, hey, Bob, you can't say that on one of our fucking broadcasts, dude. Roger Goodell does a lot of stuff to silence a lot of people... but this one, it's like, why would you be allowed to bash the league that's paying your salary right now? During a game, you really can't do that.

You should stop saying 'Thank you for your service' to veterans and just talk to them normally

If you can think of probably anything to say, and you guys are smart, witty, clever guys, I would always suggest say something other than thank you for your service to a vet... maybe just like, how's it going? Hey, you're a human being. I'd like to talk with you.

Einstein marrying his cousin proves we shouldn't judge geniuses by conventional standards

I think that just ties into the theory that you shouldn't judge geniuses and we shouldn't hold them to our standards of convention. [Standards of not marrying your family]... I would probably say that.

Roger Goodell has a difficult job and is deserving of respect

I've known Roger for a long time... The job is a job, you know, and he's caught up in a complex tsunami of drama and players and egos and obviously complicated owners... I'm a fan of Rodgers. I don't think he gets everything right all the time, but I think if either of us, three of us had that job, we'd probably be vilified.

Orlando Magic GM John Hammond is a worse GM than Hitler

Worst GM in any sports history, including Hitler. Straight facts. Spot the lie.

Ethan Happ is the best player in history from 8 feet in and clueless from further out

Eight feet in, he's maybe the best basketball player to ever play the game. And then from eight feet out, he looks like he's never actually touched a basketball.

The Pac-12 is just soft because the weather is too perfect

The Pac-12 is just soft. Their only hope is to like import kids from the East coast... who wants to go to UCLA and like be in a gym all day, every day and work on your game? No, that's not why you go to UCLA.

Super Bowl 48 was a worse game than Super Bowl 53

I would say the worst Super Bowl that I've ever watched is probably the Denver-Seahawks Super Bowl. But that was just because it was a blowout from the very start.

Super Bowl 53 was Bill Belichick's best coaching job ever

I actually think this is probably his best coaching job. Because they're probably not the most talented Super Bowl team he's had, but they ran man basically all year, and then they ran zone in the Super Bowl and just fucked up Sean McVay.

Roger Goodell is the stupidest person in the world for having Dave Portnoy arrested

I'm starting to think that Goodell and this whole crew, he's the stupidest guy in the world... How could he not realize... the fact of the matter is, it's one thing if they were to stop them and they saw him when he got in there, but apparently they were hunting them down during the game.

Some great coordinators are simply not meant to be head coaches

There are certain guys who were just assistant coaches... Just because you're good at being a defensive coordinator doesn't mean you can be a head coach... certain guys are meant to be a head coach, certain guys are not.

The Rams would win if both teams played a perfect game because they have more talent

I'm stuck with the same thought over and over. The Rams are the more talented team. But the Patriots, at the end of the day, it's still Brady and Belichick. If they both play perfect games, I think the Rams will win because they have more talent overall.

I would throw for 6,000 yards and 60 touchdowns in today's NFL

So I'm going to just say I would carve it up. Throw for 6,000, you know, 60 touchdowns and have fun, especially with my guys like Duper and Clayton... and there was no bubble screens. Pass interference was like a different monster back then too.

I take full credit for Jim Carrey's career

So it really wasn't about me. It was about what I did for Jim Carrey, because if it wasn't for me, no one would know who Jim Carrey is. That's kind of how I take all full credit for Jim Carrey's career.

The Monday after the Super Bowl should be a federal holiday

We all are in agreement, obviously, that the Monday after the Super Bowl should be a federal holiday. Correct. Move President's Day. Abraham Lincoln's dead. He won't care. I promise. He probably would have been a big football fan.