Takes

Brooklyn bourbon is a superior product and better than Kentucky bourbon

Brooklyn bourbon... it's actually been rated as being better than Kentucky bourbon, and it's a superior product. And people from Kentucky are too dumb to realize it.

Brad Stevens is the perfect personality to be a head coach in today's NBA

I think the most important attribute you can have as an NBA coach is your personality. Most of these guys do understand X's and O's. But if the team doesn't listen to you, you have to do it in a way now where the guys don't totally shut you off. And [Stevens] has this unbelievable passive confidence that it's like the perfect combination of personality to be a head coach in today's NBA.

LeBron James is now the fourth-best player of all time

I am now moving LeBron to fourth best all-time, right ahead of Kobe. So that's big of me. I've seen enough. You've got MJ, Magic, Bill Russell.

Paul George is actually 'Playoff Passive' because he turtles in big moments

Playoff P was such a playoff P that, I mean, I've never seen anyone be more, it's actually playoff passive is what it stands for because he turtles in big moments. And the fact that he gave himself the nickname, playoff P after game one, is one of the most embarrassing things you could ever do.

Russell Westbrook is the most likely NBA player to kill a teammate

Also, you have to deal with Westbrook, who's probably the most likely to kill somebody in the NBA. I could see him murdering a teammate.

Brad Stevens is the best coach in the NBA

And then the Celtics are, I mean, we've said this before, but Brad Stevens is the best coach in the league.

Every draft grade list should be required to give at least one F

Mel Kiper's grades are so fucking funny. He won't give anyone an F, which is bullshit. Like, if you do grades, you should have to give at least one F. You should have to.

No matter where we go in our careers, people will try to take us down for our past

It's almost liberating because it taught me that no matter where we go with our careers, people are going to try to take me down for my past. And that's fine because at this point, the biggest takeaway was don't get caught in a situation where internal politics and people with an ax to grind can determine your fate.

Going to ESPN was a mistake fueled by the brand's legacy seduction

I think it was a mistake for sure. It was a mistake to go back to ESPN. I'll be honest. We got, speaking for myself at least, got a little bit seduced by the fact that, hey, we're going to be on ESPN. I mean, I grew up watching ESPN. It's a brand.

Salvador Perez just booked himself a trip to the Hall of Fame by banning swearing

I think Salvador Perez just booked himself a trip to Cooperstown because if you want to get the Baseball Writers of America on your side, just ban swearing after home runs.

LeBron James is the best athlete in world history

LeBron James is the best athlete in world history, as I've long said.

I hate the NBA and the entire league is disgusting

The whole thing is disgusting to me. I haven't changed my opinion on any of it. I hate the NBA.

'I had diarrhea' and 'Our country's national debt' are the two best excuses of all time

Listen, as far as I'm concerned, the two best excuses of all time are, I had diarrhea. Nobody asks you any more details. ... and, hey, do you know how much money we owe to China? What the fuck does it matter?

I'm officially canceling Russell Westbrook

I've canceled Russell Westbrook. He's canceled. He's done. I, white girl, can't even with him anymore. Dude, you know how lame you have to be to get owned by Mitt Romney? I mean, and Mitt Romney owned him. He showed him how many fouls he had.

NFL offensive line play is getting worse every year

I wouldn't take a quarterback moving forward that couldn't [extend the play] because O-line play is starting to deteriorate. All these colleges, they get less time with the guys. NFL, the new CBA, they get less time with the guys. And the O-line play in the league as a whole is getting worse and worse every year.

John Elway falls in love with any quarterback he sees in person

I think John Elway's problem is that he just loves every quarterback. As a former quarterback, he will love you if he sees you, where if you wear a football, if you throw a football in front of him, he's like, I'm in love with this guy. He's awesome.

Colin Cowherd's theory of Manalytics is actually real

The theory behind it that the regular season doesn't matter and the playoffs get a lot harder and your flashy PER and how you score at such an insane pace in the middle of December, that doesn't matter in the playoffs. ... It sucks that we can't mock manalytics because it actually makes sense. ... manalytics are real.

Derek Jeter has completely ruined his legacy as Marlins owner

I think Derek Jeter, I think we can say it now, he has completely ruined his legacy. It is unbelievable how much of a douchebag Derek Jeter has been in the last year. The fact that he sits there and says, you have to be mentally strong and you've got to get out there and compete every day and you never tell a team that they're not set up to win. Derek Jeter, you played for the New York Yankees.

The Timberwolves are the saddest team in the world

The Timberwolves are the saddest team in the world. They are pretty bad. There's no really redeeming quality to watching them play.

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick actually hate each other

Tom Brady, on the other hand, I think he hates Belichick. I think they hate each other.

Mint chocolate chip is the best ice cream flavor

My number one flavor... It's mint chocolate chip. Best ice cream flavor there is. Number one pick.

Phish Food is the best Ben & Jerry's flavor

I would die on this hill: Fish Food. It's got the marshmallow. And you know what I like? The crunch element is the chocolate-covered caramel fish.

Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead are overrated

I'm just going to say it out loud. Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead, a little overrated.

Brad Stevens is the best coach in the NBA

Brad Stevens is the best coach in the NBA. He is a wagon. I expect anything from a Brad Stevens coached team. They just play so much smarter than everyone else.

LeBron James was the hardest player to guard in the NBA during my rookie year

I'm going to go LeBron [James]. [Hardest guy I had to guard].

LeBron James lost Game 1 on purpose to pad his all-time stats

LeBron actually lost this game on purpose so he can pad his all-time playoff stats.

LeBron James needs to get back on social media to play well

I think Zero Dark 23 is actually bad for LeBron because he's such a millennial. He needs to be hooked up to his endorphin stream that comes from his Instagram account and his tweets. He needs to get back on social media.

The Celtics are the most likable team in the NBA playoffs

I think that the Celtics are the most likable team in the NBA playoffs right now.

Russell Westbrook is LeBron James's motivation for getting triple-doubles

Skip Bayless is basically saying that LeBron James just started to get triple doubles because he saw all the attention that the media was paying to Westbrook, and not because he's really good at basketball or anything.

I would love to have Bryce Harper on the Cubs

I would love to have Bryce on our team. Who wouldn't? He's great.

Gregg Popovich is an enormous dickhead

I think Greg Popovich is a... Enormous dickhead... He's gotten so much positive reinforcement for being an asshole that now he's just like, it's good if I'm an asshole.

Football is a six-inch war focused on running the ball

We've got to run the ball. I mean, that's football. That's what this game's all about. It's a six-inch war. If you can't move people, you can't win. And, you know, that's the name of the game, no doubt.

Kinnick Stadium is one of the hardest places to play in the Big Ten

It's great in Kinnick. You know, they're right there behind me, literally found in the front row of Kinnick. I mean, they are awesome. I mean, they are on you from the minute you walk in. It is pretty darn good.

Bill Belichick could make any player good

I think Bill Belichick probably make anyone good.

Dating a man named Tristan, Tyler, or Travis is asking to get cheated on

This is what happens when you date a guy named Tristan. You're kind of asking for it. Double T. Tristan, Tyler, or Travis, if you date any one of those three, and Tyler can be a boy or a girl, you're asking to get cheated on. Trev and Trav are definitely guys who are just guys being dudes. And what do guys being dudes do? They get horny.

Golf needs an asshole like Patrick Reed

I love Patrick Reed. I do love this man. He is a basic bitch. He's a man baby. On the golf course. He's a man baby. He's amazing. Yes, he's an asshole, but golf needs an asshole.

Tiger Woods played in an era with shitty golfers who didn't play defense

I think it's almost time to have the conversation of, like, did Tiger Woods just play in an era with shitty golfers? And now the new generation is way better than Tiger Woods ever was. Like you put Jordan Spieth back in the 2009 Masters... When the course didn't play defense at all. He played in the dead ball era.

NFL Draft prospects must understand they are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies

You've got to understand for the next, you know, four or five months, this is locked in time... You are going to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, essentially. I never looked at it that way. Of course, I see it completely different now, and that's the way you have to look at it. You are the head of a foundation, of an organization, and you can be for a long period of time.

Conor McGregor is bigger than the UFC

Conor McGregor's bigger than the UFC. That's really what it comes down to. I think Dana White actually has a problem here because he can't pay Conor McGregor what Conor McGregor is worth at this point.

Phillies manager Gabe Kapler is incompetent and trying to get fired

I don't think we've ever seen someone become a baseball manager that doesn't know what the fuck he's doing whatsoever... Everyone's got to follow Gabe Kapler because I think this is the first time ever where someone got a job they didn't want and they're trying to get fired.

The Oakland A's low attendance signifies that baseball is dwindling away

My hot seat is the Oakland A's and baseball in general. Oakland A's only managed to draw 7,000 people for their game against the Rangers last night. ... I mean, baseball, another sign. Baseball's dwindling away.

Villanova has officially earned its seat at the table as a college basketball blue blood

Villanova is now getting called a blue blood. So maybe one less seat at the table. You can't only have so many blue bloods. Are we going to shuffle someone out? I don't know.

Donte DiVincenzo's old tweets aren't problematic because he was only 13

Dante DiVincenzo... some of the tweets are deemed problematic. Now, I want to make it very clear. I don't think any of these are problematic. ... It's also a 13-year-old that, like, is stupid. And if you remember when you were 13, you were a dumb fuck, too.

Being the Little Spoon is the superior position because every guy just wants to be cuddled sometimes

Because being Little Spoon is awesome. ... Every now and then, a guy just wants to be cuddled. A guy just wants to feel like the world is a safe place.

Jim Nantz has never been on the internet

Jim Nantz has never been online in any capacity that we're talking about. I don't think he's ever been... unless someone's showing him Instagram on their phone, he's not by himself scrolling on social media.

Baker Mayfield screen-grabbing negative tweets is a baby back bitch move

Baker Mayfield apparently is screen grabbing everything that's ever been said about him negatively. Sounds like a baby back bitch move that Kevin Durant does.

Kevin Durant can beat LeBron James one-on-one

I'd say [Durant] is the best player in the NBA right now. At his peak, I think he can beat LeBron. Yeah, I just said it. One-on-one.

Kevin Durant is the softest superstar of all time

But he [Durant] has to be the softest superstar of all time. LeBron does not get triggered. Kevin Durant had a burner account fucking responding to his own tweets. He literally goes on these podcasts and sounds so angry about everything... stop being such a baby all the time.

If you fly one drone into your finger, you're a drone idiot for the rest of your life

Trevor [Bauer], the old saying goes, you can build a million bridges, but if you fly one drone into your finger, you're a drone idiot for the rest of your life.

Yankees fans become insufferable immediately on Opening Day

My biggest takeaway from opening day is how much it sucks living in New York when the Yankees, like last year, it wasn't until the end of the season where Yankees fans got insufferable. Day one for the rest of the season. Giancarlo, bro.