Takes

The 2017 solar eclipse is a shadow designed by scientists to get us excited about space

I think it's Something that's designed by scientists to get us excited about space, but it's actually pretty lame Well, you know what the in eclipse is it's a fucking shadow. Yeah, we're excited about a shadow.

Don't ever wear a high school Letterman jacket in college

No Letterman jackets. Come on, guys. When you go to college, high school's over. Don't be that guy who shows up to college and talks about how fun their high school was. That guy's a loser.

Don't have any visitors from high school your first semester of college

Don't invite any of your high school friends to show up... they come, they get too drunk, they get in a fight with your college friends... Don't have any visitors for your entire first semester of college.

Golf is only interesting when Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson are competing on Sunday

golf is a better sport when tiger's competing on sunday... the ratings were all down... we need Phil or Tiger. Basically, we're going to be saying that forever... I guess just like Spieth and Rory and those, they don't do it for me.

I am the best defensive player of all time

No, I'm still number one. [Over Dellavedova]... Yeah, I think I was the best I've ever done it.

The 'Who wants to sex Mutombo' story is completely false

I have defended myself. I have splendid myself, and I continue to splendid myself. Nobody don't know where that story come from... That story is not true. And I always even ask Alonzo Mourning, where did you get it? He said, no, somebody told me too.

Big Ben is a hypochondriac who spends his time searching WebMD

I think it's time that we officially diagnosed Big Ben as being a hypochondriac. Big Ben, when he's not on the practice field studying the playbook, he's at home searching WebMD.

The Patriots would be viewed as frauds if not for the coaching collapses of Pete Carroll, Dan Quinn, and Andy Reid

A 30 for 30 about how everybody would look at the New England Patriots as being the biggest chokers of all time if it weren't for the three biggest Super Bowl collapse coaching jobs with Pete Carroll, Dan Quinn, and Andy Reid forgetting how clocks work. If it wasn't for those three, then everybody would say, I think the word we'd be using with the Patriots wouldn't be dynasty. It would be fraud.

I am five foot eight

[I am] five foot eight. That is definitely... [I'm] definitely not 5'6".

Break up with your significant other before starting freshman year of college

My first is don't ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend your freshman year of college. Good one. That's breakup time. Yep. ... always break up that first year. You can always get back together if you want to. Long distance.

Never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback

My next one is going to be never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback. What's he trying to hide? That's a good one. You want a guy that's leading for your teammates out there. What is he trying to hide?

Always bet on home dogs in college sports and never bet the under

Always bet on home dogs in college football and basketball. Also, it goes without saying, but never bet the under. You don't want to be that fucking. I'd rather lose a million bets betting the over than win one betting the under.

Never congratulate a woman on being pregnant

Never, ever congratulate a woman on being pregnant. Oh, yeah. Never. And don't touch the belly. I don't care if she's got a bracelet on and she's in the hospital. Never congratulate you. Because you're going to be wrong. You might be right 99 times. You'll be wrong. Guess what? The people that you say, hey, congrats on being pregnant to, they're not going to give a shit. The one person that you mess up on, that's going to haunt you.

You cannot coach an inaccurate quarterback to be accurate

The biggest falsehood I see in quarterbacks... There'll be some kid that is not accurate, okay? So he wasn't accurate in junior high, but all he's got to do is work on his accuracy. So they play him a quarterback in high school... then they'll recruit the hell out of him and get him to college. ... if three coaches ahead of you could make that guy accurate, what makes you think you can? And I've improved accuracy, but I've never taken a guy from inaccurate to accurate.

Coach K uses surgery as an excuse to take a break when his team is struggling

Coach K. He just gets a surgery every fucking day. ... Usually when his team's like, oh, maybe the number one recruiting class isn't so good. ... he's had every part operated on, so he doesn't really have any other excuses.

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes and snake owners are the worst people

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes, and people who own snakes are the worst people in the world. So you need to do something about that.

Hard Knocks is the official start of football season

Hard Knocks is officially the start of football season. It's also great because they're doing the Bucs this year, and I honestly forget that the Bucs are a team a lot of the times.

Dirk Koetter is an inherently unmemorable person

Dirk is the guy, you could put me in a chair clockwork orange style and just tape my eyelids open for a day and show me nonstop clips of Dirk Koetter, and I would not remember what he looked like the next day.

Watching Hard Knocks will lead to drafting a bust running back in your fantasy league

It is also the time of year where you watch Hard Knocks and you fall in love with a guy who's catching everything or the backup running back, and then you draft him in your fantasy league, and he sucks. It's called the Chris Polk.

Alabama football would be terrible if it had higher SAT requirements

Josh Rosen... said that if you raise the SAT score requirement to get into Alabama, they'd have a shitty football team. So he's calling the entire state of Alabama dumb, basically... why would anybody want to go to school in Alabama if they had to be smart to go there?

The Detroit Pistons 90s horse logo jersey is one of the worst ever

My number one was the Pistons throwback. Remember when the Pistons changed their logo in the 90s? The green and yellow and red horse. The worst jersey criteria is when the original jersey was great and the original logo was great. They're like, we're just going to make everything weird colors.

The Phoenix Coyotes 90s jersey is the worst of all time

And then my four is probably the worst jersey of all time, the Phoenix Coyotes. You remember that one? That was awful. That was the most disgusting jersey I've ever seen in my life.

The New England Patriots current jerseys are awful

I'm going to go with the Patriots jersey... No offense, Hank, but I think the Patriots, for being such a great team, have had awful jerseys for the last 20 years.

Bryce Harper is currently the face of baseball

The face right now you would like to think would be, in my opinion, it's Bryce Harper. Unfortunately, there's not one that you can latch on to... Mike Trout is the football fan face of baseball.

The Home Run Derby can mechanically ruin a hitter's swing

I believe there are some things to it mechanically as well. Guys get into a groove mechanically and are able to repeat and put on this certain launch angle, and then shit changes when you get back into the ballgame and you're facing change-ups with depth. You're facing sliders that are bouncing.

19% of current MLB players use steroids

I'm going to say... 19% [of MLB players use steroids]. They have a drug testing problem and they have a penalization problem. Chemists are starting to get one step ahead and start maintaining that one step ahead of the drug testing.

Mark Zuckerberg wears the same clothes every day as a 'nerd shield'

My number one [nerd] is Mark Zuckerberg. Big time nerd. You know he's a nerd for a lot of reasons, but the fact that he just can't ever stop wearing the same clothes, he's just like, that's his defense mechanism. It's a little shield. Nerd shield.

Using an Android phone makes you a huge nerd compared to using an iPhone

He's not an iPhone guy. That's a huge nerd. Huge nerd. Like, well, all of China doesn't use an iPhone. They use Androids. Actually, the Android operating system is superior. It moves faster. I don't care that I make all my friends hate me because they have to text in green bubbles.

Anthony Scaramucci is a sleazeball fredo who lacks all scruples

If I ever saw anybody that came on TV that screamed, I am a sleazeball, I would say [Anthony Scaramucci] is the number one guy... instead of getting Michael being in charge, we have Fredo [Scaramucci].

People who leave empty shopping carts in parking lots are fundamentally inconsiderate

When I go to a parking lot... can't these people take the empty shopping carts and return them where they got them? I mean, what is the big deal? ... People are so generally inconsiderate.

College football is fundamentally better when Nebraska is a good program

They're the quintessential college football is better when Texas is a good program. You know, it's like Texas. It's Notre Dame and Nebraska is like the third one of those programs. College football is better when Nebraska is good. That's a fact.

Young adults should be assholes and selfish until they turn 25

I don't trust people who know exactly what they want to do in life when they're 18 and 19 years old because we're all shitheads before we're 25. Until you turn 25, you should be an asshole. You should be selfish. You should not care about anybody else. You should just want to have a good time all the time.

Colin Kaepernick isn't being signed because his vegan diet makes him physically weak

I think that the reason [Kaepernick] is not being signed is because he's not taking care of his body. He's made up of plant proteins. Not animal proteins, and he's just not as... resilient. I've never seen a plant win a fight.

Butts are on the Hot Seat because boobs are back in style

My hot seat is butts. Big hot seat because New York Post... they just wrote a trend piece about how boobs are back. So going to put butts square on the hot seat. Guess what? You thought it was cool to have a big butt? Everyone that went out there and got butt implants, you might want to see if those go two ways and you can just move them up to your chest.

Honey Nut Cheerios are the greatest cereal of all time

I've got a great value pick at number two: Honey Nut Cheerios. I think they're the goat. I'm just gonna say that... you forget the bee puts his honey in there for you.

Apple Jacks milk is the best leftover cereal milk on the list

Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Apple Jacks are both not only good cereals, but the milk in the cereal bowl after the cereal's gone is better than any other cereal on the list.

Being a great clubhouse guy means having no ego and not intimidating teammates

I'll tell you what makes a great locker room guy: immediately when you're hung like the light switch in the off position. Got it. So I think that immediately lowers a lot of stuff... When you care about guys and truly care about them, you want guys to do well.

Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens definitely belong in the Hall of Fame

Barry Bonds? Yes. I think yes. Roger Clemens? Yes.

Odell Beckham Jr. is the best wide receiver in the NFL

I'm saying he's the best wide receiver in football. Odell Beckham, is it really the hair that makes him memorable or is it the fact that he's the best wide receiver in football?

Charles Barkley is a good gambler who just gets unlucky

I played blackjack with [Charles Barkley]. We played high stakes blackjack together recently, and he was playing really good. He was unlucky, I've got to say. He was playing perfectly. And I was playing perfectly, and I think I won $30,000, and he went the other way... but I mean, he was just unlucky.

Colin Kaepernick clearly should be signed by an NFL team

To start the offseason, I thought the Colin Kaepernick storyline was bullshit. But now it's kind of like, all right, he's clearly – someone's just – like, he should be signed. They signed two backup quarterbacks that I had never heard of.

Every reporter should Google themselves once a week

If you're a reporter, if you're a journalist, you have to be able to take the heat as well. Every reporter should Google themselves once a week, I would say. Got to make sure your name's out there. Read all the hate possible.

NFL critics who claim they stopped watching are actually still watching every Sunday

You know my favorite are the people on Twitter that say, I can no longer morally watch football. You are a fucking liar because I know you're fucking watching the Red Zone from 1 o'clock to 7 o'clock every fucking Sunday. You can't stop watching the NFL. You can't. Like it or not, it's here.

Magnus Ver Magnussen is the second greatest athlete ever behind only Barry Bonds

I don't think there's ever been an athlete that's better at what they do than Magnus [Ver Magnussen], with maybe the exception of Barry Bonds.

I would bet on Stephen A. Smith in a fight against LeBron James

I would put money on Stephen A. Smith in a fight against LeBron James.

Mitchell Trubisky should start immediately rather than sitting

Normally, you want to sit a rookie quarterback if he needs to fix his footwork or fix his throwing motion... But Trubisky's got good feet. He reacts to pressure well... I would play him so he can learn. He's got good accuracy. He's a good athlete. He's really poised. He can go through reads. And I'd happily take him as a starter.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the NFL

Well, I think the obvious one is Aaron Rodgers... [His struggles were because] His wide receivers can't catch the ball. Devontae Adams can't get open. Jordy Nelson couldn't move because he was coming off an ACL tear.

A .10 BAC is the minimum threshold for an underage drinking citation to be considered cool

At least a .10. That's really the threshold right there. Come on, like .04? Would you use mouthwash that morning?

Mike Vick's dog training experience will help him as an NFL coaching intern

There are actually probably some lessons from [Mike Vick's] dog training days that he could directly apply to training athletes. He's going to keep his young quarterbacks on a short leash until they're trustworthy.

Pitching inside is the safest way to attack Aaron Judge

With those guys, like the big guys like [Aaron Judge], I think keeping the ball inside is safer because if you throw it out over the middle, there's the chance to hit it right back up the middle right at you. So keeping it inside and hope they put it on the ground.