Takes

A football league with two of Johnny Manziel, Tim Tebow, or Colin Kaepernick will attract massive viewership

They're starting to approach my theory, which is if you can get Johnny Manziel, Tim Tebow, Colin Kaepernick, any two of those three, if you have two of those three quarterbacks in your league, people will tune in in droves to watch it.

You cannot actively tank in the NFL because players won't buy in

I actually think the NFL, you can't really actively tank. You can't say before the season we are trying to lose because it's such a hard league to stay in for the players. And if the players know that, it's all going to fall apart very quickly.

Basketball players just need to play basketball, regardless of injury risk

This is basketball. It's not football. It's not any of these other sports. Like, basketball players need to play basketball... LeBron, that's what all these players, even Blake Griffin said it himself. You have to play to play. It sounds dumb saying it out loud. You've got to play.

Michigan's student section is the toughest and most ruthless in the Big Ten

Probably Michigan State. They're kind on top of you at the court. Or Michigan. Michigan, the fans are – I don't know what it is about their student section, but they're, like, ruthless. Like, they'll talk about my mom. They'll talk about acne. They'll talk about whatever it is, just to try and get into my skin.

The Big 12 tournament at the Sprint Center is the best post-season college conference tournament

I think it's the best post-season college conference tournament because you always know it's Kansas City. It's always Sprint Center. Pretty easy for a lot of the school's fans to get here.

Zion Williamson is the closest thing to LSU-era Shaquille O'Neal in terms of physical dominance

I've never seen anything like him. The closest thing I can remember to Zion is when Shaq played at LSU. And not in terms of how good a player he is, but just the cartoon character nature of this kid's physical dominance.

Raphael is the best and only cool Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

I'm a Raphael. Raphael was the bad boy who April had a crush on... Raphael was the one who would always get them in trouble because he was such a badass. Raphael was the one, he was like the guy who kind of, the straw that stirred the drink.

Boneless wings are just chicken nuggets

A boneless wing... It's a fun fact. They're not even wings... They're chicken nuggets.

The only reason to get rich is to be able to bribe people

This is a story that is the most common sense story ever. It's rich people paying for their rich, shitty kids to get into college not based on their merit. What is the point of getting rich if you can't bribe people? That's the only reason to get rich.

Rich people are the last people who need college degrees

I think the worst part about this, and it reinforces something that I think a lot of people already know, is that if you're rich, you are the last person who needs a college degree. It's somebody who's very poor that would find value in having the degree.

No joke is truly offensive because the intent of a joke makes it benign

There's a big kind of intellectual theory around this about benign violation and the idea that no joke is offensive because it's a joke. Because as soon as you put it in that space where you go, okay, it's cancer... But as soon as you make a joke about it, you put it into a space where you go, it's benign. It's actually, it's okay, and it's got no power over us.

Individualism is a relatively new and terrifying concept for human beings

We've never been more connected... And the reason podcasts, I think, are so huge is because people are desperate for conversation... We're built to live in tribes... The idea of individualism is comparatively new and terrifying. It just doesn't work for human beings. We feel incredibly alienated.

Comedians should never apologize for a joke

You never have to apologize for a joke. Just on policy, you go, well, I was standing on stage saying that to make people laugh. I'm a drug dealer is what I do for a living. I'm trying to get people [endorphins].

NFL RedZone has 'ruined' the traditional way of watching football

No, Red Zone actually made it better. It's unbelievable, but it's ruined football. No, I agree with you. Have you ever tried to watch a football game having seen Red Zone? Yeah, it's tough. You should go, wow, this is boring... your brain has just become this like... Touchdown, touchdown, touchdown. Every single play has got to be a big play.

The NBA should allow players to fight one fan per year

Russell Westbrook is the perfect case for... we need to have players be able to fight a fan once a year. I like the idea of having players that just hate certain cities.

Antonio Brown is the hero to the working man

[Antonio Brown] is the hero to the working man... he basically signed a contract two years ago, got a bunch of guaranteed money, when the guaranteed money ran out he's like 'I want a new deal' and then he got it.

The Steelers with Bell and Brown were the greatest fake dynasty of all time

Can we say the Steelers had the greatest fake dynasty of all time with Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Brown? Yeah, and at various points they had the best wide receiver, best running back, and a top five quarterback all at the same time and won absolutely zilch.

I bet Alex Rodriguez paid exactly $1 million for Jennifer Lopez's engagement ring even if it cost less

I have a theory about the ring that he gave [Jennifer Lopez]. I think that [Alex Rodriguez] paid exactly $1 million for it. That would be such an [Alex Rodriguez] move, right? He goes in the drawer, and they're like, 'this ring is $600,000.' He's like, 'let me just pay you $1 million for it.'

Adnan Syed is definitely guilty

The one you're talking about [Serial] came out five years ago about Adnan Syed. Who I think is really, really guilty. But for some reason, they just... I don't know. He just seems like it was a show about a guy that was guilty that had very charming murderer.

Many NBA players are insecure because of the constant criticism on social media

I feel like a lot of guys are very insecure. And that's what social media kind of does a little bit. You always see bad, I mean, you see good things, but you see a lot of bad things... being open to that much criticism on a day-in and day-out basis can kind of fuck with your mind.

Detroit sports fans are better than L.A. fans because they are more 'locked in'

I actually really do like the sports fans [in Detroit]. There's good sports fans in L.A., but there's so much stuff going on that people don't really care that much. So Detroit, when you're rolling, it feels like everywhere you go, people know what's going on. They know whether you lost last night. I love fans that actually know what's going on.

Steve Ballmer's attempt to shake my hand before our game was a PR stunt and I didn't like it

I saw [Steve Ballmer], but I'm just like, I'm already done... He wanted [the handshake] for cameras. Absolutely cool. And yeah, I just didn't like it.

The NBA's one-and-done rule should be abolished

[The one-and-done rule] should go away. A hundred percent.

I will never change my clocks for Daylight Savings again as a test of mental strength

I didn't change any of my clocks in my house, and I made it. It's so satisfying when it turns back. It's just like a battle of strength and wit against my own brain.

LeBron James passing Michael Jordan's scoring record felt hollow because it happened on a terrible Lakers team

Obviously LeBron's career is unassailable at this point... But don't you think it felt a little hollow, the fact that he's doing it on a terrible Lakers team? If it happened in Cleveland, it would have been a lot bigger of a moment in my mind.

Steph Curry is the most disrespected superstar in the NBA by his own peers

I think [Steph Curry] is the most disrespected by his peers superstar, which is weird... I feel like a lot of the athletes hate Steph. In some way, it's some bad thing because he had this awesome upbringing... it felt like all five of these guys had ad campaigns built on addressing the haters.

I could beat up Steph Curry and Klay Thompson in a fight

I don't think Klay would care. Klay would be like, dude, I'm just going to tap out. Is that cool? ... Steph, the thing is, is what if Steph beats me? ... I don't think Steph would beat you. I think you could use your dialing... I'm going to give you two and a half out of five [starters].

College coaches should only be punished for cheating if they win the national championship

I think you should only get punished for cheating if you win the national championship.

Kyrie Irving's weird behavior is just a quarter-life crisis

My take on this is that Kyrie Irving, he's 26 years old, and I think this is actually a very relatable thing. Stars are just like us. The quarter-life crisis. Kyrie Irving's going through his quarter-life crisis. Everyone hits that point in your mid to late 20s where you're like, what's the meaning of life?

Kyrie Irving is a method actor who has become stuck as the character Uncle Drew

I think he's a method actor. I think when he got into character as Uncle Drew, as like a baby boomer, now he hates all millennials around him. He's a character actor right now and he's still stuck. Andy Kaufman got stuck playing [characters], his mind got messed up. Can you imagine that, playing a character for so long that it starts to affect your brain and everything that you do?

Tom Brady is definitively the best quarterback of all time

The best quarterback of all time would be Tom Brady. That would be my opinion. Well, I would back it up with facts. The facts are he's won six Super Bowls. I do have two sources that have confirmed that Tom Brady is the best quarterback of all time. My left eye and my right eye.

Jason Witten returning to the Cowboys was the best move for him personally

Honestly, this was the best thing for him to do. Now, the people that didn't like him as a broadcaster, they're happy. Dallas is thrilled. It was a great move on his part.

DK Metcalf's 1.6% body fat is a huge red flag

1.6% body fat is actually a huge red flag for me. Have a burger, man. You're a psycho if you have 1.6% body fat.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future

Good indication of the sport of the future. I saw that highlight on my feed more than baseball, rugby, basketball, any other sport.

If the US prioritized rugby, we would be the best football country in the world

At this point, if the U.S. took our best rugby players from a young age and taught them football, we would be the best football country in the world. That's how good our rugby team is.

Jason Witten was essentially fired by ESPN

Jason Witten just got fired. Let's just call it what it is. If he was good at his job, he would not have gone back. I think ESPN was essentially like, dude, we're not saying you're fired, but... you're fired.

Prime 47 is a better steakhouse than St. Elmo's in Indianapolis

Prime 47 versus St. Elmo's. I have Prime 47. I thought St. Elmo's is you go for the shrimp cocktail, but after that, the menu doesn't have a lot to offer.

Joe Flacco was elite — elite guy, elite person, absolutely

Was [Joe Flacco] elite? Elite. Elite guy. Elite person. Absolutely.

The 2011 Ravens were more talented than the 2012 Super Bowl team

Really, that was probably our best team, 2011. The most talented team. We were probably better than the 2012 team.

Bill Belichick now enjoys draft building and roster construction more than coaching

Somebody in the league told me this. They said, I think Belichick enjoys the draft building part of the process now more than he does coaching. Which is weird, right? Because this was his best coaching job ever. This past year.

Eli Manning didn't play as poorly in 2018 as the media portrays

Eli didn't play that bad last year. He did not. He did not. Dude, sir. The team stopped. His line was awful. I said he didn't play as poorly as you guys are portraying.

It is better to kidnap yourself than face people you owe gambling money to

I don't hate the move. Like if you you got to panic. You faked an entire Super Bowl pool. And now you got to figure out a move out. Just kidnap yourself. Not a bad play. I mean, it sucks now, but I'd probably rather go to jail than have a bunch of people be like, where the fuck is my money?

The Indianapolis airport bathroom is a 7.5 out of 10

I thought my stall was fantastic... handicap stall has its own sink. Lack of urinals is a problem. There's only three... overall PFT, I would give it 7.5.

The word 'thick' is officially cancelled because Trey Wingo used it

My hot seat this week is thick. ... I'm actually canceling thick. Because Trey Wingo, he caught wind of it. ... the fact that Trey used a double C, it was like watching Darren Rovell kill 69 jokes in real time.

The AAF's ratings increase is actually a bad sign because it means fans want 'too good' of football

Ratings were up last week big time... Especially considering that Christian Hackenberg got benched. So they benched him. I don't actually like the fact that ratings went up when he went out. It tells me that the viewers... They want too good a football. If you don't love me at my Hackenberg, you don't deserve me at my Mettenberger.

Patrick Kane is the greatest American-born hockey player ever

Kane, holy shit, he keeps getting better. It's the best I think it's the best he's ever been. It's just he's the best American-born player ever. That's my hot take of the day.

LeBron James is a piece of shit teammate and a bad look for the sport of basketball

Big Cat, I know you love hoops, but what he's doing right now... It's actually pathetic. It's just so embarrassing. He's the worst role model I've ever seen. ... He is just a shitbag. He's such a shitty teammate.

Phil Jackson was more of a friend and mentor than a strict coach during my time with the Bulls

Phil just came at the tail end of the fact that my career was on a down slope... and he just wanted, like, 'okay, Dennis, we're going to finish this shit off right.' And he gave me an opportunity to go out there and just try to finish my career off... He's more of a friend, too, anything.

If you died before the year 2000, you are essentially a caveman compared to people today

Essentially as much has changed in the world in the last 20 years. Correct. Where if you died prior to the year 2000, you're basically a caveman if we were to bring you back. ... Zero clout. They're fucking idiots.

If you take a private plane to a strip mall in suburban Florida, you aren't doing it for a good reason

If you take a private plane to a strip mall in suburban Florida, you're not doing it for a good reason. That's my big takeaway. Definitely a place that, let's just say, didn't look like the day spa of a billionaire.