Takes

Calgary's Saddledome is a complete shithole

It's really cool to look at from the outside, but it's a complete shithole. For a current day pro sports arena, it's in the very, very low bottom percentage of that entire list.

Montreal is the best atmosphere in North American hockey

Montreal... you should see this place. Just the fans right on top of you... the seats just go straight up. It's loud as hell. The French are completely nuts. By far and away, it was my favorite place to play.

Teams play better on 'Dad Trips' because they are afraid of being tortured by their fathers for playing poorly

It's not even about like, I want to play good in front of my dad. It's like, if I play bad, I'm going to get tortured by my dad like I did when I was 11. If I didn't play good in the NHL, he'd still give me the same shit. I'd get on the bus, sit next to me, wouldn't talk to me.

NBA players are egotistical 'assholes' compared to modest NHL players

It's the ego on these assholes [in the NBA] to think that they're bigger than the team. They're bigger than the league... LeBron carries wine into the fucking game. Looking like a clown. And by the way, no hockey player would ever do that. They're going to say my teammates are the best teammates of all time because they don't need everything to be about them.

NHL players skip the All-Star game to win titles, while NBA players go to 'get kills' and get recognized

NHL players care about their team and trying to win the Stanley Cup. And by skipping the All-Star game, they're going to save themselves a cross-country flight and Alexander Ovechkin will be ready to play in the playoffs as opposed to wasting energy going back and forth across the country. NBA players just want to try to get some kills in a city where they're going to get recognized because they're all 7'1 and have huge wrenches.

You only get to break one TV in your life due to sports anger

I have a take. I think everyone gets one TV in their life to break. If you show that much passion about a team, then you probably have a lively personality... You got one TV to break in your life. Use it wisely.

Men who buy cats are betas who want to be dominated by an animal

You're dealing with a cat guy here. Cat guys are not alphas. Not an expert negotiator. He basically got a cat because he's such a beta that he wants an animal that will dominate him... If you get a cat as a male in the United States past the age of 10 years old because you want it, you should not be allowed to date one of our American women. Go to France.

Offensive lines prefer blocking for a pocket statue like Nick Foles over a mobile quarterback like Carson Wentz

There's something about blocking for a guy like Nick Foles as opposed to blocking for a guy like Carson Wentz. You're like, I know Nick Foles is basically a statue. He's going to be in the pocket. I know where I have to block my guy.

Middling NBA teams should hire Tom Thibodeau for a short-term boost

If you're any middling NBA team out there, why not hire Tom Thibodeau right now? He's at least good to give you a little bit of juice for a few months. ... He's like steroids. Really good short-term. Bad for your hips.

Carson Wentz isn't a franchise quarterback because he plays recklessly and isn't available

With Wentz, the problem is this. It's not how he plays. It's that he's not available to play. And if you can't keep yourself on the field every week, every year, then how can you call yourself a franchise quarterback? ... Carson Wentz still plays recklessly.

The 2018-19 NFL playoffs are the most wide-open in history

I've been saying it. It is the most wide-open playoffs we've ever had, and I'm excited. Yeah, three of the four games [this weekend] are under a field goal in terms of the point spread.

The Saturday afternoon Wild Card game is always the worst game of the NFL season.

We always say this is the shittiest game and it usually is... it's where you get all your jokes off... it's really the Twitter jokes game.

Jerry Jones' skin turns significantly paler when the Cowboys are losing.

Any time you have Jason Garrett on the sideline and a shot of Jerry Jones getting paler and paler as the game goes on. He ends up being like royal family in England white by the end of the game if they're doing poorly.

Nick Foles is like Russia because he is nearly impossible to beat in the winter.

There is some weird stuff that happens in December. [Foles] is like Russia. He's very tough to beat in the wintertime.

Bank of America is a terrible company with archaic technology

I'm dealing with the hated Bank of America... Can you imagine Bank of America cannot email things. They can only fax a guy... They sound like you [Big Cat]. My son told me... anybody that uses a fax is by definition an idiot.

Anyone who still uses a fax machine is by definition an idiot.

My son told me, I always remember this, not that long ago, he said anybody that uses a fax is by definition an idiot... I knew the minute I did that, I was going to hear about it.

Wearing white cleats makes a football player look significantly faster than wearing black cleats.

White cleats make you look faster... I don't think there's even a conversation... putting black cleats on a white guy... that's like just saying, 'Hey Danny, run your 40-yard dash in quicksand.'

Hunter Henry is one of the best tight ends in the NFL.

Hunter Henry... I think he's one of the best tight ends in the league, and he hasn't even been playing.

You should always call tails on a coin toss because 'tails never fails' and people who call heads are weirdos.

I'm personally a tails guy... tails never fails... the people that are saying heads, they're playing with fire... I don't want to be friends with that guy that does... people who call heads are weirdos.

LeBron James is more of a television star than a basketball player at this point in his career.

I think of LeBron more as a TV star than a basketball player at this point on his own show... LeBron is more of a TV star than a basketball player at this point.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT because he doesn't have to say it

You know who doesn't say they're the GOAT? Michael Jordan, because he knows he's the GOAT. You don't have to say it if you know you're the GOAT... Michael Jordan was asked if he was the greatest of all time and he was like, my career is not over.

LeBron James is the Donald Trump of basketball

LeBron James actually has the exact same take on LeBron James being the goat that you had... LeBron won while he was in Ohio. Won in Florida, both of them. Check, check. They've both got weird hair. Check. Check. LeBron can't win in California. Neither can Trump. Check.

Jason Garrett is the dumbest person alive for playing his starters in Week 17

Jason Garrett wins the Are You the Dumbest Person Alive Award for playing all his starters because he desperately – now, I don't know what you think, but I think it was clear that Jason Garrett wanted to win 10 games so that when Jerry Jones goes to his office next year and is like, hey, I'm thinking about firing you, he's like, but I won 10 games.

I will fight Darren Rovell in Rough N' Rowdy with one hand tied behind my back.

Rovell, if you want to answer Dana White's question, what do you know about fighting? The offer is still out there. I will fight you in rough and rowdy with one hand.

LeBron James is definitely paying LaVar Ball to stop talking to the media.

Can we all agree LeBron [James] definitely pays LaVar Ball to shut up? ... He just hasn't talked. ... We just agree it's a fact.

It is more logical for a football player to piss their pants on the field than to miss a snap by going to the locker room.

Why would I go all the way back to the locker room and maybe miss an important snap that I can help my team? Why not just let it go and move on? ... Especially when you're in the middle of a game, the pants you have on are already sweaty anyway. They got to wash them anyway.

The strategy of not paying quarterbacks is only true if the quarterback is Kirk Cousins or Matthew Stafford

So essentially the argument that people are tweeting out that you shouldn't pay a quarterback boils down to just don't pay Kirk Cousins or Matt Stafford. That works. That's it... Essentially the entire theory that you should just draft a young quarterback and never pay a quarterback makes no sense because half of the playoffs are quarterbacks that are going to be paid $20 million or more.

Being as rich as Kirk Cousins while remaining as lame as he is should be considered a crime.

Being rich and being that lame is a crime. It is a crime. ... Kirk Cousins is a crime against humanity. He should be fined $84 million for having $84 million and being lame with it.

New Year's resolutions only work because everyone agrees to be collectively annoying at the same time.

It's annoying in general to hear people talking about any change they're making... But if you preface it by saying it's a New Year's resolution, it's slightly less annoying. It's all everyone decides to be annoying together. We're in like group therapy.

Dabo Swinney is the second best head coach in the country

I think Dabo is probably the second best coach in the country. I think he's way better than Brian Kelly. I like the Clemson. I like the Rock.

I would love to run the same offense in the NFL that I ran at Oklahoma

To me, yeah, obviously the easiest answer would be, yeah, I'd love to run the offense I did at Oklahoma. That's because I had three years to do it, and I got so comfortable in it.

It is human nature for an injured player to sometimes root for their team to lose

I don't think you'd be human if there wasn't a part of you that was like, I hope that we lose. It's the competitive nature in you. Kyrie's probably going through the same thing. Like, I wish I was out there. I wish I was helping the team win. I think to compete at this level, you have to have that mentality.

Eli Manning deserves more respect from Giants fans despite being benched

Why are they still playing Eli Manning and benching Blake Bortles? That makes no sense. Eli brought them two championships, even though they were bullshit wins. They count. Eli should get the kind of respect that he deserves from the Giants fans, and all these guys are flipping so quick.

There is no asterisk on my 50-point game just because the Bulls were tanking

I don't think there's an [asterisk]. Because when I have kids, I can say I scored 50 in three quarters. They're not going to remember. I just don't think the Chicago Bulls, oh, the team Jordan played for. Yeah, Jordan was guarding me... Look, 50 is 50. I don't care if you do it at your church.

Modern NFL rules favor the offense so much that it is no longer good quality football

It [pisses me off] because the rules favor the offense so much. They favor the offense, and it's frustrating to watch. And fans, for whatever reason, they want to see high-scoring games. And to me, it's not fun. That's not good quality football.

NFL defensive backs today have terrible eyes and look in the backfield too much instead of watching their man

The DBs, their eyes are in the backfield. They have terrible eyes. Your eyes should be on your man... Look at the man. Look at who you're covering. It's the one thing that pisses me off more than anything as I'm looking at this.

Cam Newton should have dove for the fumble in the Super Bowl

What do you think about Cam's business decision? Yeah, I think you just go for the ball, man. Be a team player.

Kobe Bryant is not even a top five Laker anymore now that LeBron James is in Los Angeles

My sit-em is Kobe Bryant. He's not even a top five Laker anymore now that LeBron's there.

The AFC East has consistently sucked worse than any division in the history of sports

The AFC East has consistently sucked worse than any division in any sport in the history of balls. Ever since a ball was invented, no team has had it easier than the Patriots.

Patrick Mahomes is the most fun player to watch in the NFL

Would you say that Patrick Mahomes is the most fun player to watch in the NFL? If the Chiefs are playing, I have an option to watch that game. I'm watching that game every single time.

NBA players would dominate the NFL as wide receivers and tight ends

I think NBA players playing football. All the way around. I think most NBA players could probably play wide receiver or tight end. That would be my answer.

Darren Rovell is pretending to be a gambler for his new brand

We should actually make a new segment, Darren Rovell trying to pretend like he's gambled before. It's always like, imagine talking to the dude who had the under in this game. No, I can't. I literally can't.

College basketball's five-foul rule is bullshit

He's saying the five fouls are bullshit. Well, guess what? It is. Fix it. Yeah, it is bullshit. It makes the game way less enjoyable to see a star player get subbed out in the first half after like 10 minutes.

Eli Manning is a more deserving Hall of Famer than Ben Roethlisberger

I think I'm convinced, though, to have Eli [Manning] over [Ben Roethlisberger]. I mean, Ben did have the lowest quarterback rating of all time in a Super Bowl victory.

Intermittent fasting is the key to curing the symptoms of ulcerative colitis and Crohn's disease

The way I get rid of all my symptoms [for ulcerative colitis]... I got rid of the symptom with time-restricted eating and intermittent fasting. That's the way to do it, man. And people, they don't talk about it because they like to sell you the pill and everything because it's an industry.

It is harder to stay champion than to become champion

It's hard to be champion, but it's much harder to stay champion. Because when you're a champion, you're up there. Everybody's been studying your game for a long, long time. You only see that guy, you study that guy for maybe a few months. But him, he's been watching you for many years. So he had a lot more time to download your data than you did.

Conor McGregor broke mentally against Khabib Nurmagomedov

Conor [McGregor] broke mentally into that fight [against Khabib Nurmagomedov]. He didn't give up physically, but he gave up mentally. He looked like he wasn't there. At one point, that's what happened.

I would rather be able to dunk than suck my own dick

Which would you rather do? [Dunk or suck your own dick]. For me, it's a no-brainer. I'd rather dunk. Yeah, I would dunk.

The peak of life is age 24 or 25

I'd say like 24. Yeah, 24 is a good age, but yeah, 25, because you can rent a beach house in a car. The age where you don't have, you have not gotten old enough to realize life is meaningless. But you're not young enough to be dreading what life is going to look like.

The fumble-out-of-the-end-zone touchback rule is actually good because it rewards defense

You're looking at as the punishment doesn't fit the crime... You should look at it as the reward. It fits the feat. It fits the accomplishment. So if you're the defense and you make a guy fumble through the end zone at the one-yard line, that's an awesome play... You should get a big reward for that.