Takes

LeBron James would be the best netball player in the world right now

How long do you think it would take for LeBron James to be the best netball player in the world? Probably he is right now already.

If you don't believe in witchcraft and its protective powers, you're crazy

The cool throne is witchcraft. If you don't believe in this stuff, you're crazy. Because Jack Dorsey... sent in his beard hair to get himself protection against ISIS. Seems like it worked.

I actually like Carrie Underwood's 'Game On' Sunday Night Football song now

I have maybe been tweeting about that from weeks one through 14, and then week 15... I just started singing it, and I was like, you know what? I give up. I like this song now.

Kawhi Leonard is a robot who does not have emotions

He doesn't have emotions. He's a robot... he doesn't have a heart yet. He laughed, there was some laughing, him and Nick Saban laughed the same way, they both have like a button they're like it is appropriate to laugh now so I will push my tickle button.

I would not swap Mitchell Trubisky for Aaron Rodgers if it meant swapping their contracts

[If asked to swap Mitchell Trubisky for Aaron Rodgers and their contracts] No. No. If we had to swap contracts, it would be over the cap... So our defense wouldn't be as good. We're going to play some defense. We're going to run the ball.

Sean McVay's photographic memory is actually a curse when things go poorly

I think Sean McVay's photographic memory is a blessing and a curse because what do they always say? You have to have a short memory to get past the fucked up plays. So having a photographic memory is great when things are going really well. But then when things go really poorly, that's all you think about.

The Eagles cannot go back to Carson Wentz if Nick Foles runs the table and makes the playoffs

If Nick Foles runs the table here and the Eagles get into the playoffs and let's say he wins a game or two, how can you go back to Carson Wentz? This guy, like, that was a game 13.5-point underdogs. Everyone said the Eagles season was over. He's throwing jump balls to Alshon Jeffrey. He's getting the offense going.

Dak Prescott is more likely to airmail a pass than hit a receiver in the numbers on throws over 12 yards

Dak Prescott sucked [today]. He's airmailing. He does this thing where if he has to throw a pass, it's further than like... I'm going to say 12 yards downfield. He's more likely to miss the guy high by three feet than he is to hit him in the numbers.

Fighting is a young man's game and 50-year-olds have no business in the ring

At the end of the day, 50-year-olds have no business fighting. Fighting is a young man's game. There's some guys that have been able to beat time and still do well but they're very, very few and far between. 49-year-old people barely get on the treadmill and walk. You're going to be fighting in a professional fight? It's ridiculous.

Tito Ortiz is literally one of the dumbest human beings on planet earth

I think that [Oscar De La Hoya] is getting a lot of this information from Tito Ortiz who is literally and I'm not just saying this to be real he's one of the dumbest human beings on planet earth he's primate level this guy

The government are the biggest gangsters on the planet

The athletic commissions, California, Nevada, New York, they're run by the government. The government runs—and that's who we answer to. And you don't want to fuck with the government. They're the biggest gangsters on the planet.

Jon Jones would have been the LeBron of MMA if he had his personal life together

If you look at how good Jon Jones is, and if he had his personal life together, what a big star he'd be right now and how much money he would have made. He would have been the LeBron of this sport.

The 'Affliction' and 'True Religion' fashion days of the UFC were horrible

The affliction days were bad. The affliction days were bad. It was so funny you just said that to me because we were looking we were doing all these documentaries about the ufc... affliction horrible those days and the god what were those jeans true religion. Oh my God. I see the true religion jeans and all that stuff I'm like shoot me.

Mike Tomlin and Jason Garrett are the same coach: 'the dog in the fire saying this is fine'

Mike Tomlin and Jason Garrett are the dogs sitting in the fire saying this is fine at all times. They love to just stand on the sidelines and say to themselves, well, this time it's got to be different. Like we're doing the exact same thing we've done since the beginning of time, but this time it's going to work.

A documentary of Lenny Dykstra looking for God would be the most watched thing ever

This is the greatest story of all time. Lenny Dykstra's pursuit to find God. How is this not a Netflix documentary? This would be the most watched thing of all time. Lenny Dykstra just walking around the world looking for God.

If I am ever on fire, do not piss on me to put it out

I want to say for the record, if I'm ever on fire, don't piss on me. No, just remind me to stop, drop, and roll. It's not going to help unless you're Peter North and have a stream like a fire hose. It's not going to put out the fire. You're just going to be pissing on me as I burn to death.

It is great for golf that Patrick Reed is a villain everyone hates

Patrick Reed, though, he is the bad boy of golf. And I love this because this just keeps his street cred just keeps going up, up, and up. Everyone hates him. Guess what? It's fucking golf. ... It's actually great to have a bad guy in golf.

Odell Beckham Jr. is not a guy who can lead a team without another strong leader present

[Beckham] is not a guy that I think is going to lead your team anywhere if you don't have another strong leader on it. Hypothetically, if you had a leader on your team similar to Eli Manning, this is the exact kind of guy that you do not want to give a huge contract to.

Saquon Barkley might already be the best running back in the NFL

Give it to a guy who might be the best running back in the league, Saquon Barkley, things will be good for you. Like, hey, we don't have to worry about throwing it to Odell 12 times a game. Let's just keep giving it to Saquon. Oh, shit, this works?

Jabari Parker was benched because he started the mutiny against the Bulls' practice

Jabari Parker, he has been benched because, and this is, I mean, I have no sources to back me up except my own brain, but he was clearly the guy who started the mutiny, right? Because he didn't want to practice. He doesn't want to play defense.

The term 'rad' is making a comeback with younger kids

I think rad's making a comeback. ... New young kids using rad. Okay. Calling it that Levi's shirts.

Nick Saban hires fired coaches to learn how to beat them in the future

Nick Saban's little plan here is that by the time he's like 100 years old and is too old to coach, he'll actually have coached with every coach who's in college football and he knows how to beat every single one of them. So he wins like an extra seven national championships at the end of his career just because he knows everyone he's coaching against.

Drake only has a career because Kanye West popularized the 'backpack and polo' aesthetic

If it wasn't for Kanye putting on a polo shirt and a backpack, you think Drake's whack ass would be waltzing out of Toronto thinking that he could rap about being all up in his feelings and bullshit like that? Honestly, I do not know.

Kirk Cousins is just Case Keenum in a tuxedo

Now, what he is, is Case Keenum in a tuxedo. He is the nicest looking version of Case Keenum that you can put together.

There should be no preseason or first-month polls in college sports

There should be no polls until like two months into the season anyway. There should be no preseason polls. There should be no first-month polls in college basketball or college football. Take the bias out.

Gen Z is ruining the reputation of millennials

Gen Z should get more crap on the internet than millennials... Gen Z is 1995 to 2008... You guys are the ones who are actually fucking everything up because you guys are like the 18-year-olds, the bratty 18 to 22-year-olds... You're the ones who are fucking it up for the millennials. You're giving us a bad name.

2019 will officially be the Year of the Core

2019 year of the core. The core helps, sets up everything else. So it's going to be back. My core wasn't ready for the workload that I put on it. [In] 2019, the core is going to be back.

Achieving true mastery is impossible because every subject is constantly evolving

I think you don't really achieve mastery in any subject because the subject keeps moving and changing and developing. Bruce Lee was a master of karate at 30 and at 70, he would have to learn how to fight differently because he doesn't have the same strength.

Lori Greiner is the scariest Shark on Shark Tank

I'm always afraid of Lori. We're kind of in the same space of bringing consumer products to the market. And she has two platforms. She has a very strong platform with QVC. And she's also, if it's a woman-related product, she can be the face of it... I always have to have a tussle with Lori.

Buyer's remorse on Shark Tank deals usually stems from the entrepreneur's personality, not the product itself

I do end up having buyer's remorse later on down the line with a lot of products because a lot of times it's not the product that doesn't work. It's the entrepreneur that we don't see eye to eye.

Robert Herjavec is a very keen businessman who knows how to work his angles by acting nice

Robert is a very keen business guy, and he knows how to work his angles. He has that whole 'I'm really nice' type of thing. I'm on to that shit. A lot of people are not onto that.

Adam Ottavino could strike out Babe Ruth every single time

Adam Ottavino says that he can strike out Babe Ruth every single time. Well, he definitely can right now, Babe Ruth's dead body. But seriously, I love these debates. They are what sports are all about, debating things that we can never prove.

Tits are officially making a comeback in 2019

This is going to be the year where tits make a comeback too. That's right. Yep. It's no longer ass season. Asses have had their little time here. People have been all about the ass.

Defense still wins games when the weather gets cold

I'm just going to say it, boys. Once the weather starts getting cold, defense does show up... I think defense still wins games.

I would have more wins than Hue Jackson if I coached the Browns

I think I would have had more wins [than Hue Jackson] because I simply would have just said to the smart people, do smart things and not been a total asshole to all my players.

Oklahoma should lose the 'Oklahoma Drill' name because they aren't smash-mouth anymore

At what point do we discuss... removing the label Oklahoma from Oklahoma drill. Because they haven't done that in like 50 years.

SantaCon is awesome if you're in your early 20s

If you're in your early 20s, SantaCon and all-day drinking events, they're so much fun... When you get older, it's the last thing I'd ever want to do... Seriously, I really do get mad when I see people bashing these things, trying to look cool. It's okay to say I'm too old for it... But fuck, man, there's nothing better than being like 23 years old and saying, I don't really care if I get wasted all day.

Bear Weather is 100% real

It's like the perfect meatball thing that you can laugh at, like, ha, ha, ha, bare weather... But then when you're in your heart of hearts, you're like, no, no, that's fucking real. Bare weather is 100% real.

The Chicago Bulls are an absolute laughingstock of an organization

The dysfunction at the Bulls organization. They are an absolute laughingstock of an organization... They are the most... It's like the Chiefs used to be with Scott Pioli and that whole crew. And they're such little, little people. They're so scared of any criticism... Gar Foreman is a little fucking loser.

Joe Flacco should have beaten the Patriots and would have won two Super Bowls — he's more than borderline elite

I'm getting a little steamed up about Joe Flacco because of what you said, borderline elite. People forget he should have beaten the Patriots. He beats the shit out of the Patriots on the road. He should have beaten them in the playoffs that one year. His tight end dropped the ball. His kicker missed a kick. If they had that game won, they would have won another Super Bowl.

Zion Williamson blocking shots into the crowd is effectively a turnover

But when you block a shot and the ball goes into the crowd, that's a turnover. You might as well be turning the ball over, Hank. Why doesn't he catch the balls instead of blocking them?

Dogs never have bad sneezes because they don't give a shit

You never see a dog have a bad sneeze. Because they don't give a shit. They're cute, and they're cute. They'll sneeze right in your face, and they don't think it's gross.

The song 'Mo Bamba' is officially dead now that Big Cat is singing it

My Hot Seat is... Mo Bamba. The song. Because Big Cat finally has become aware of it, has been singing it nonstop for the past couple days. So that's pretty much as clear as day sign that it's over.

The late 90s Mariners are one of the best teams to never win a World Series

The sad thing is that I found out very quickly the difference between good and great is very small... That's a great – I think that's one of the best teams that's never won... very seldom do you have a team that you have the best pitcher in the game in Randy Johnson, the best player in the game in Ken Griffey Jr., the best pure hitter in the game in Edgar Martinez, and the scariest, baddest motherfucker in Jay Buhner.

Jerry Jones is one of the smartest people I've ever met and a true forward thinker

Jerry's one of the smartest people I've ever met. He's talking about a forward thinker and a guy that can see around corners and a guy that has just the biggest set of balls that I've ever seen. I mean, the guy is just, I love him.

I earned my Yankee pinstripes by the 2009 season

[Speaker 3]: Have you officially, do you think you earned your pinstripes? [A-Rod]: Yes. 100%. Not even a flinch... To 2009.

Curt Schilling and Pedro Martinez are the two best pitchers I ever faced in my career

Here's what I know is he [Curt Schilling] and Pedro Martinez are the best two pitchers that I've ever faced in the major leagues. Now, Pedro, 1999 Pedro, Cy Young, where he was unhittable. And Schilling in 2001 in the World Series, he had some of the greatest stuff I've ever seen.

Markelle Fultz's injury diagnosis sounds like a specialty machine scam

Neurogenic thoracic outlet syndrome. That sounds like a diagnosis that you have to go see many doctors to get... and then the last one, you walk in and the doctor's in a huge lab coat smoking a cigarette. He's like, oh, I know what this is. It's just TOS... either that or if you go to a doctor and the first thing they diagnose you with is TOS – you can bet your ass that doctor has like a $700,000 TOS curing disease machine in his back room.

Men primarily grow beards to hide a less attractive face

What is the big deal about guys and beards? Unnecessarily, they're just trying to cover up a less attractive face... Guys, what are you trying to hide?

Urban Meyer fakes health issues when his team loses and is miraculously cured when they win

[Urban Meyer] said that this season they should be in the playoffs because they battled so much adversity... Shelly Meyer [said] winning cures a lot when talking about his health... she's basically saying, yeah, he's an asshole when he loses. He fakes like he's sick when he loses. And then when he wins, he's cured.