Takes

I never liked the Phillie Phanatic

I didn't like that mascot. I never liked the Philly [Phanatic]. ... I walked in the clubhouse and he's sitting there signing the baseballs. I got him and he said, 'what the hell are you doing here?' ... I said, 'out! Don't you sign another baseball. These guys don't want to see your name on the ball.' ... I had problems with that guy.

Ted Williams is the greatest hitter in baseball history

Who's the best hitter you've ever seen in your life? Ted Williams. ... This guy could hit like nobody I've ever seen. I'm telling you, he was amazing.

I love to fight and I would have kicked Kurt Bevacqua's ass if he actually came out of the clubhouse

You're goddamn right I like to fight. ... Come on out, I want to talk to you. And be ready, because I'm going to kick your ass. And [Kurt Bevacqua] wouldn't come out. He would not come out because I'd have laid him out, boy.

Modern baseball players are too distracted by video games like Fortnite

Yeah, they're playing their Fortnite and video games. ... That's what's happening to the players today. They're too much involved with the games.

The new Monday Night Football booth is an 'F' without Joe Tessitore

Without Joe Tessitore, it's an F.

Dwight Schrute is a sidekick to Michael Scott

I'm going to go with George Costanza and Dwight Schrute. Those are my second and third picks [for Mount Rushmore of Sidekicks]. [Dwight] was to Michael.

A-Rod is an all-time sidekick because he agreed to move to third base for Derek Jeter

My next one is going to be A-Rod. Move to third base. Before he ever won anything.

California teenagers are intimidating because they experience life differently and lose their virginity early

Because California kids... They just experience life differently. Everything is relaxed. They probably have sex when they're like 12... They lose [their] virginity early. They smoke weed. They hang 10... when you come here and you see all these teenagers, you're like, these guys are just going to roast me.

I am not a fan of Europe and didn't enjoy staying in London

I don't love staying in London. The city of London is great. We stayed like an hour outside of London. Food is not great. And there's not really much to do. And I just don't, I'm just not a huge fan of Europe.

It's a sad day when Roethlisberger, Rivers, and Eli Manning retire

I'm going to really be disappointed when Big Ben retires. He's one of those guys, I don't want to get doom and gloom here, but Big Ben, Rivers, Eli Manning, all these guys retiring is going to be so sad.

The West Coast weather is basically a performance-enhancing drug for high school athletes

The weather is very, very nice. It's like a PED almost for high school kids... You're going to be better at sports if they cared at sports... you can play basketball like 24 hours a day, probably like 11 months out of the year.

An indoor full-court basketball court is the best amenity a sports fan can have in their home

Basically full court indoor basketball trumps all. [I'd take that over] a putting green in your backyard or a half court in your house. [It's better than] two lanes of a bowling alley in your house.

The Wendy's Spicy Chicken Sandwich is the 'Granddaddy of them all' for chicken sandwiches

I'm going to go with a spicy chicken sandwich at Wendy's. I actually had this listed before Chick-fil-A on my big board. So it's a good value pick for me. I think it's kind of the granddaddy of them all as far as chicken sandwiches go.

McDonald's fries are the best fast food item

And then for my last pick, McDonald's fries. Can't believe I got that one in the fourth round. I know. I know.

The Whataburger Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit is the best breakfast sandwich in America

Big time honorable mention to Whataburger Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit. Yes. Best breakfast sandwich in America. People forget Whataburger, not the best thing on the menu, is not burgers. It's the Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit. And it is incredible.

I hate Sam Bradford and Aaron Rodgers most among quarterbacks

Probably most well-known is Sam Bradford because he went number one over me. But Aaron Rodgers is for sure up there. [Bradford]'s a good player. He's obviously done it for many years... but it's always enjoyable to get sacks and interceptions off of him.

Texas should not have had the final second to kick the winning field goal in the 2009 Big 12 Championship

They definitely shouldn't have had an opportunity to kick that field goal. Things happen for a reason... still don't know what that reason is for that particular situation... it was a little controversial to say the least.

Jared Goff is untouchable and one of the few quarterbacks I actually like

Goff is untouchable. He's our good friend. Goff is a good dude. Actually, he's one of a few quarterbacks I actually like. Him and Cutler are on the same page.

James Harden should turn the Scottsdale phone-throwing incident into a cell phone carrier commercial

Dude, every time something like this happens, if you could just figure out a way, if you're James Harden's agent, just create a commercial instantly making fun of this. Do a sprint commercial where you're just grabbing phones out of people's hands, throwing it, then handing them a sprint phone. And everyone would be like, oh, that's funny.

Tiger Woods means more to the sport of golf than any other athlete means to their specific sport

The Tiger effect is very real. I mean, we knew this was going to happen, but it just goes to show, like, I don't think there's ever been someone who's meant more to one specific sport than Tiger Woods to golf.

The Central Time Zone is the undisputed best time zone for sports fans

The Central Time Zone is by far the best. The problem with everyone who's like West Coast is the best because 10 a.m. football... 10 a.m. is too early. Noon is objectively the perfect time to start a football game... and Monday night football ends at like 11 o'clock. My ranking of time zones goes Central time, mountain time, west coast, east coast.

The East Coast is better than the West Coast for watching sports

I like East Coast better than West Coast actually... Noon is objectively the perfect time to start a football game. [On the West Coast] it doesn't feel like a big game if it's Sunday night football and it's still light outside. You should get a Purple Heart if you watch sports in the Eastern Time Zone.

Brooks Koepka's lack of popularity is because his name is hard to pronounce

Because his name is hard to pronounce. People just don't say his name. That's what I'm saying. I always just avoid names I can't say. So I just don't ever say his name... It's like, bro, I don't know how to say his name. So I'm just not going to look dumb.

The Bellerive course was a sickening disgrace to the PGA Championship

Sickening showing by the course this weekend. Disgusting. Lowest, I think, score in a PGA Championship... I'm disappointed in you, St. Louis. Yet again. Lock up the course.

These new microphones officially make us look like douchebags

We look like fucking idiots with these new mics. I mean it sounds better I think so it looks like cool... but I do feel like we are officially douchebags. This is now official... like just close your eyes and be like the douchebags who have a podcast, this is what they do.

Jalen Ramsey's suspension is actually a great treat for him because he gets to sit in the air conditioning

That's why Jalen Ramsey was so smart to get suspended. True. That's a great treat for him. For going after the media. Yeah. Got to keep us in check.

Allagash White is my number one micro-brew and I am responsible for making the brand famous

But the last one is Allagash White, which I made famous. I mean, it's a little bit of a cliche, but I mean, I have two or three Allagash Whites a week. I mean, it's good beer. What more can I tell you?

A team's closeness and culture is a tangible advantage on the field

I always feel the tighter team, the closer team, has an advantage over the team that's not as tight. And the only way you do that is by hanging here, spending time together. I like to put ping pong tables in there just so people kick it and they don't go home right away.

Jimmy Garoppolo is an elite thrower with exceptional release speed

Jimmy, he's an elite thrower. I think everyone can see his arm talent, how quickly he can get rid of the ball. Even if you don't block very well, he can speed it up so fast that it's very hard to get to him.

Having a fullback allows the offense to dictate the game to the defense

I like to dictate what the offense wants to do. And when you don't have a fullback in the game, the defense can dictate it a lot... When you have a fullback in the game, it doesn't matter what the defense does. If you want to run it, you can, and they know that.

The holding call on Mohamed Sanu in Super Bowl 51 was a suspect flag

Mohamed Sanu got us right back in the field goal range, but our left tackle had a holding kill, which put us in a third and 30... Mohamed Sanu beat man-to-man coverage, and it was over like that. But then there was a flag there, which – It still is a suspect flag, but it is what it is.

NFL preseason doesn't suck; it's genuine, enjoyable football

It's such a treat every August because everyone's like, oh, the NFL preseason sucks. Guess what? It doesn't suck. No. It's football.

Media personalities should get things wrong on purpose once every few months to move the needle

I had somebody to pull me aside. I was like, you take it too seriously when I was younger. And he said, get something wrong on purpose. Just be so wrong once every few months that it kind of registers with people.

The 'clutch gene' is a real phenomenon because athletes can 'tighten up' under pressure

Why is it that we all accept that a certain golfer standing over a major putt four feet out to win the Masters... Everyone would agree that you're tightening up there a little bit, right? ... So if we all accept that that exists, why couldn't there be players that are more comfortable, therefore clutch, in those moments?

Men should never use 2.5-pound plates at the gym

Men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever. Ever. ... You went up two and a half pounds today. Like, men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever.

Grinding out a par in golf is more impressive than shooting a low score with no effort

See, Big Cat, here's where you and I kind of differ because you don't know as much about golf as I do. He [Tiger Woods] grinded this one out. ... if you grind out a bad score, it's actually better than shooting a good score with no effort. It shows more grit, more determination. It's like an ugly win. Better than a beautiful loss.

Theme parks and water parks use black sidewalks to dehydrate guests and increase concession sales

Have you ever noticed how theme parks and water parks always have black sidewalks? Yeah, to make you more thirsty so you buy more concessions. Yeah, stay woke. That's like pretzels at a bar.

If you get arrested, you should drop the name of a mid-level officer rather than the President

If you get arrested, you want to drop a name. It's kind of the inverse of what you think it should be. You want to drop the smallest name possible that the guy would recognize. Like you want to drop the name of his slightly superior officer. You don't want to go straight to the top with the president.

Ohio State fans should have learned not to hold rallies before the facts are out from the Penn State / Joe Paterno situation

I feel like we should have learned our lesson with the Joe Paterno rallies. Maybe wait until we figure everything out before you do like an entire impromptu rally at the stadium being like Free Urban Meyer. I can't really wrap my head around these people because I would assume these are the same people that if you bash Urban Meyer on Twitter, they will reply with, wait till all the facts come out. But then they also held an entire rally with none of the facts out.

The Simpsons is the best cartoon show of all time

Number one, no-brainer, Simpsons. Best cartoon show of all time. Even though there were only like seven or eight awesome seasons of it, those seven or eight seasons were good enough to justify like 50 years of shit.

The Rock is exactly as great as you imagine him to be

He's great, man. He's everything you imagine and want him to be. It's very satisfying. He often gets himself into pickles just like we do, but he's like such a magnetic dude that he'll get himself out of it easier than we can.

Sports stories have more longevity and 'better legs' than traditional showbiz stories

I just think sports is more – that has better legs. You know what I mean? There's more there. Then showbiz... showbiz just kind of like it's the snake eating its own tail. You know, but in football, you know, like you'll read an article like somebody tears ACL and that's it. That's the phrase. It's not even a sentence. It's a phrase. And this show [Ballers] is about all the drama that led up to that and follows that tear.

Chevy Chase ruined the reputation of comedy sets for everyone

I think comedy shows have that reputation [of being competitive or mean] because of Saturday Night Live. Chevy Chase ruined it for everyone. Chevy Chase was such a colossal dickhead. He ruined everything. Everything since then, everyone's like, oh, you have to be a dickhead to be in this show business.

Players are more ashamed and embarrassed to admit high signing bonuses than low ones in front of the team

The one that I loved the most that was the most humiliating... was when you make [rookies] stand up there and they have to tell you what their signing bonus was... you get like the first round guys like Baker [Mayfield] who's going to go up there and say, you know, 'got a 40 million dollar contract' or something. They're really embarrassed and ashamed because it's the first time in their life that they've made money playing football that they're allowed to admit to.

No ugly quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl

I was on the radio with recurring guest Fred Smoot today... we were talking about who's going to win the MVP this year, and [Smoot] came out with an awesome take. He said that no ugly quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl.

Tom Brady won his first three Super Bowls before his 'glow-up' when he wasn't that hot

Even Tom Brady won the majority of his Super Bowls before the glow-up. He won three Super Bowls before he had the glow-up. [Brady] definitely looks a lot different than he did. He's gotten hotter with age.

Birthdays officially start to suck at age 26

At what age do birthdays just start to suck? Oh, I'd say 26. Everything from there is downhill.

Nick Saban and Bob Stoops are the ultimate football guys for ignoring a robbery while drawing up plays

They're so invested in making their points that they don't notice when a man walks into the bar with a shotgun and robs the place. So they were out having drinks, diagramming football plays, and they were completely oblivious to a dude robbing the bar with a gun. That is an ultimate football guy story.

Johnny Manziel's four-interception CFL debut is actually a decent start because he's essentially playing a different sport

I think that's almost like a good start for him because he's basically playing a totally different role. It's like a baseball player playing cricket. You forget that there's only three downs and they're punting. People are running everywhere.

Pretending a player returning from injury is a 'free agent signing' is the ultimate sports radio caller move

It's my favorite sports radio caller when a guy comes back from injury and they're like, 'well, we don't have to do anything in the free agent signings because we basically get the best free agent back.' That's essentially what's happening with Blake Bortles.