Takes

Jim Harbaugh doesn't actually know his own roster when he wakes up every morning

I actually don't think that Jim Harbaugh knows what his roster is when he wakes up every morning. It's like Groundhog Day. Jim Harbaugh lives his life like a football Bill Murray.

Don't ever wear a high school Letterman jacket in college

No Letterman jackets. Come on, guys. When you go to college, high school's over. Don't be that guy who shows up to college and talks about how fun their high school was. That guy's a loser.

Don't have any visitors from high school your first semester of college

Don't invite any of your high school friends to show up... they come, they get too drunk, they get in a fight with your college friends... Don't have any visitors for your entire first semester of college.

Driving under the influence on a Tuesday night is morally worse than doing it on a weekend

Is that really worse, to be driving under the influence on a Tuesday night? I think that it is, by the way.

Golf is only interesting when Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson are competing on Sunday

golf is a better sport when tiger's competing on sunday... the ratings were all down... we need Phil or Tiger. Basically, we're going to be saying that forever... I guess just like Spieth and Rory and those, they don't do it for me.

Getting kicked out of NFL practice for fighting is a veteran move to get the day off

Once you get past like year four in the NFL, your role in training camp is to just see how little training camp you can do. We call that the Brett Favre. [Kyle Long] got kicked out of practice because he got into a fight... it's a vet move. You throw a punch, get the day off.

The 'all sides' of the political discourse are simultaneously on the Hot Seat and the Cool Throne

My hot seat is all sides. All sides are on the hot seat right now. Got to hear all sides. All sides are being heard. All sides are being considered. My cool throne is also all sides. So when all sides are on the hot seat, that also means all sides are cool throne.

The Mooch wearing women's sunglasses because they fit his face better is a power move

The Mooch also came out and said that he wears women's sunglasses because they fit his face nicely. So all you fuckers out there who haven't embraced wearing women's clothes if they make you look better, fuck off.

A tucked-in t-shirt is the foundational element of 'dad fashion'

One that we missed that I should have said... just tucked in t-shirts. Just getting a t-shirt and tucking it in for no fucking reason.

I am the best defensive player of all time

No, I'm still number one. [Over Dellavedova]... Yeah, I think I was the best I've ever done it.

The 'back to the basket' center is dying out because coaches have stopped teaching the fundamentals

[The back to the basket center is going away] maybe because I believe the coaches are not teaching that much. I think it's about the principle. I don't think there's not a lot of coaches who are emphasizing on that game. Everybody wants to see how fast they can play and move the ball.

The 'Who wants to sex Mutombo' story is completely false

I have defended myself. I have splendid myself, and I continue to splendid myself. Nobody don't know where that story come from... That story is not true. And I always even ask Alonzo Mourning, where did you get it? He said, no, somebody told me too.

Big Ben's trainers should make him sit in a cold tub if his injuries actually required as much ice as he wears

Icing down after practice [Big Ben] had like five huge bags on him. I don't even think that was a real tape job... trainers did not do that because think about this way if you're so injured that you need like six bags of ice the trainers are going to make you sit down, right? You're going to be sitting your ass in a cold tub.

Big Ben is a hypochondriac who spends his time searching WebMD

I think it's time that we officially diagnosed Big Ben as being a hypochondriac. Big Ben, when he's not on the practice field studying the playbook, he's at home searching WebMD.

The NBA is rigged and a deep dive would reveal several fixed outcomes

My number four [30 for 30]... was just the NBA being rigged. I would like a whole deep dive. [I'd like to know] the frozen envelope. I'd like to know if [David] Stern actually suspended MJ for gambling... LeBron winning his first ring. I'd like to know that Lakers-Kings game [with Tim Donaghy].

I am five foot eight

[I am] five foot eight. That is definitely... [I'm] definitely not 5'6".

Kyrie Irving not talking to his teammates is an alpha move.

As the saying goes, it's actually an alpha move to just not look or talk to anybody. So when you see a [Kyrie]-lion... He doesn't even know the lions exist. He doesn't give a shit. Yeah, he's just sitting there waiting for somebody to put some food in his mouth so he can take it to the basket and make an awkward layup.

Break up with your significant other before starting freshman year of college

My first is don't ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend your freshman year of college. Good one. That's breakup time. Yep. ... always break up that first year. You can always get back together if you want to. Long distance.

Never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback

My next one is going to be never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback. What's he trying to hide? That's a good one. You want a guy that's leading for your teammates out there. What is he trying to hide?

Always Google a question to see if the internet can answer it before asking another person.

Before you ask a question to someone, just Google it first and see if Google can answer that question because that can save you a lot of trouble. It can save a lot of people coming at your neck.

Always bet on home dogs in college sports and never bet the under

Always bet on home dogs in college football and basketball. Also, it goes without saying, but never bet the under. You don't want to be that fucking. I'd rather lose a million bets betting the over than win one betting the under.

Cheap things are cheap for a reason; never buy cheap furniture because it will break immediately.

My last one is cheap things are cheap for a reason. ... Maybe when you get a little money out of college, you're like, oh, I'll just buy these cheap clothes or I'll buy this cheap bed. It's going to break. If you buy the cheap furniture, it will break very quickly. So maybe buy the more expensive stuff. Trust me, cheap things are cheap for a reason.

Never congratulate a woman on being pregnant

Never, ever congratulate a woman on being pregnant. Oh, yeah. Never. And don't touch the belly. I don't care if she's got a bracelet on and she's in the hospital. Never congratulate you. Because you're going to be wrong. You might be right 99 times. You'll be wrong. Guess what? The people that you say, hey, congrats on being pregnant to, they're not going to give a shit. The one person that you mess up on, that's going to haunt you.

Offensive Line is my favorite position in football because of the boogers, dirt, and blood.

And that's my favorite position, too, is O-line. ... Well, because there's boogers and dirt and blood and people throwing people around. And all of a sudden they get nasty. ... even if practice is too boring, just go over and watch one-on-one O-line, D-line because it'll be all intense and it's like stock cars, except for they're the monster trucks crashing into each other.

You cannot coach an inaccurate quarterback to be accurate

The biggest falsehood I see in quarterbacks... There'll be some kid that is not accurate, okay? So he wasn't accurate in junior high, but all he's got to do is work on his accuracy. So they play him a quarterback in high school... then they'll recruit the hell out of him and get him to college. ... if three coaches ahead of you could make that guy accurate, what makes you think you can? And I've improved accuracy, but I've never taken a guy from inaccurate to accurate.

Hillary Clinton would likely be President today if she hadn't used personal emails.

If Hillary Clinton had your same mindset [not using email], she might be president right now. Well, I don't think there's any question about that. I mean, my best visual of that is, besides the emails and obviously— those things are treacherous.

Colin Kaepernick should shake hands with autistic kids so NFL scouts view him as a winner like Tim Tebow.

Colin Kaepernick, just go around shaking every autistic kid's hand, and then maybe NFL scouts will be like, you know, he kind of reminds me of Tebow. He's a winner.

Coach K uses surgery as an excuse to take a break when his team is struggling

Coach K. He just gets a surgery every fucking day. ... Usually when his team's like, oh, maybe the number one recruiting class isn't so good. ... he's had every part operated on, so he doesn't really have any other excuses.

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes and snake owners are the worst people

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes, and people who own snakes are the worst people in the world. So you need to do something about that.

Hard Knocks is the official start of football season

Hard Knocks is officially the start of football season. It's also great because they're doing the Bucs this year, and I honestly forget that the Bucs are a team a lot of the times.

Dirk Koetter is an inherently unmemorable person

Dirk is the guy, you could put me in a chair clockwork orange style and just tape my eyelids open for a day and show me nonstop clips of Dirk Koetter, and I would not remember what he looked like the next day.

Watching Hard Knocks will lead to drafting a bust running back in your fantasy league

It is also the time of year where you watch Hard Knocks and you fall in love with a guy who's catching everything or the backup running back, and then you draft him in your fantasy league, and he sucks. It's called the Chris Polk.

Alabama football would be terrible if it had higher SAT requirements

Josh Rosen... said that if you raise the SAT score requirement to get into Alabama, they'd have a shitty football team. So he's calling the entire state of Alabama dumb, basically... why would anybody want to go to school in Alabama if they had to be smart to go there?

The Detroit Pistons 90s horse logo jersey is one of the worst ever

My number one was the Pistons throwback. Remember when the Pistons changed their logo in the 90s? The green and yellow and red horse. The worst jersey criteria is when the original jersey was great and the original logo was great. They're like, we're just going to make everything weird colors.

The Phoenix Coyotes 90s jersey is the worst of all time

And then my four is probably the worst jersey of all time, the Phoenix Coyotes. You remember that one? That was awful. That was the most disgusting jersey I've ever seen in my life.

The New England Patriots current jerseys are awful

I'm going to go with the Patriots jersey... No offense, Hank, but I think the Patriots, for being such a great team, have had awful jerseys for the last 20 years.

Yellow jerseys are disgusting and make for a bad viewing experience

My number two is the Nashville Predators. I just hate yellow. I hate when they're playing games and their whole arena is yellow. It just looks disgusting.

Bryce Harper is currently the face of baseball

The face right now you would like to think would be, in my opinion, it's Bryce Harper. Unfortunately, there's not one that you can latch on to... Mike Trout is the football fan face of baseball.

The Home Run Derby can mechanically ruin a hitter's swing

I believe there are some things to it mechanically as well. Guys get into a groove mechanically and are able to repeat and put on this certain launch angle, and then shit changes when you get back into the ballgame and you're facing change-ups with depth. You're facing sliders that are bouncing.

Mark Zuckerberg wears the same clothes every day as a 'nerd shield'

My number one [nerd] is Mark Zuckerberg. Big time nerd. You know he's a nerd for a lot of reasons, but the fact that he just can't ever stop wearing the same clothes, he's just like, that's his defense mechanism. It's a little shield. Nerd shield.

Using an Android phone makes you a huge nerd compared to using an iPhone

He's not an iPhone guy. That's a huge nerd. Huge nerd. Like, well, all of China doesn't use an iPhone. They use Androids. Actually, the Android operating system is superior. It moves faster. I don't care that I make all my friends hate me because they have to text in green bubbles.

Jar Jar Binks is actually the ultimate Sith Lord

Jar Jar Binks is actually the ultimate Sith Lord.

Everyone who watches Game of Thrones is a nerd

Everyone that watches Game of Thrones. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Did you hear about Game of Thrones? Yeah. Do you want me to tell you? I've been reading spoilers.

Anthony Scaramucci is a sleazeball fredo who lacks all scruples

If I ever saw anybody that came on TV that screamed, I am a sleazeball, I would say [Anthony Scaramucci] is the number one guy... instead of getting Michael being in charge, we have Fredo [Scaramucci].

People who leave empty shopping carts in parking lots are fundamentally inconsiderate

When I go to a parking lot... can't these people take the empty shopping carts and return them where they got them? I mean, what is the big deal? ... People are so generally inconsiderate.

It is unprofessional for contractors and laborers to not return phone calls even if they don't want the work

When I hire someone to do some work... why do I have to keep chasing them to come to my house? Why do I have to call them nine times before they come over? ... Even if I don't want to do it, I call them back. Why not call somebody back?

College football is fundamentally better when Nebraska is a good program

They're the quintessential college football is better when Texas is a good program. You know, it's like Texas. It's Notre Dame and Nebraska is like the third one of those programs. College football is better when Nebraska is good. That's a fact.

You should always start college with an easy major like communications and only add hard majors if you find it too easy

Start at the bullshit major and if you end up being like, oh, I'm actually smarter than I thought, then you can add on. Start with the communications. Start with the history or the political side. Then if you find out that it's too easy, then you can add to engineering.

Young adults should be assholes and selfish until they turn 25

I don't trust people who know exactly what they want to do in life when they're 18 and 19 years old because we're all shitheads before we're 25. Until you turn 25, you should be an asshole. You should be selfish. You should not care about anybody else. You should just want to have a good time all the time.

Colin Kaepernick isn't being signed because his vegan diet makes him physically weak

I think that the reason [Kaepernick] is not being signed is because he's not taking care of his body. He's made up of plant proteins. Not animal proteins, and he's just not as... resilient. I've never seen a plant win a fight.