Takes

There should be a 'TopGolf' but for football

TopGolf. But for other sports... There should be TopGolf but for football. You're the quarterback... imagine you have a football, and then in front of you is this big field, and there are people that are running routes, and you can hit the receivers with passes... They keep score of every ball that you throw.

Jehovah's Witnesses should carry pizzas to get people to open their doors.

If they just had a pizza in their hand you always open the door if somebody is holding a pizza. Why don't the Jehovah's Witnesses instead of holding that the little pamphlet ... just have a pizza box that says watch tower on it and the open it up. You have a pizza boom conversations there.

Green Bay should move the Packers franchise if they need gimmicks to get fans loud

It's a sad, sad day when the Packers need to find gimmicks to be louder. [...] If you have to ask the Green Bay fans to be louder, maybe just move the whole franchise.

Restaurants should replace gumball machines with 'Tumball' machines filled with Tums

An idea that's just, instead of a gumball machine, just out in restaurants, have it just be filled with Tums... I would take one every single time, even if I didn't have heartburn, just like knowing you might get it later... Call it a Tumball machine.

Workers who cross picket lines as scabs should form their own union

I had this idea on Saturday to make a union of scabs. So scabs should unionize... scabs are the guys that come in and they take [picket-liners'] jobs and they'll go ahead and they'll work for lower pay... But the scabs themselves should unionize. It's like they should get together and demand better treatment.

I want to start selling drugs in France because they have a culture of smoking and long lunches

I just want to start selling drugs in France. That's my idea. I think that there's a lot of money to be made. Like I said, they're all smokers over there. They take like five-hour lunches. So if you give... give them a little joint, they get hungry again. They're not going to go anywhere. They stay at the restaurant. Plus, in French, their word for 80 literally means 420. So I think they're sending a signal.

We need more 'dog art' because it appeals to both dumb and high-level brains

My drunk idea is... dog art. We need more dog art. Art with dogs in it. Everyone would buy that. It's the art that dumb brains can buy and high-level brains can buy, so I think we need to corner the market on dog art. Dogs doing everything. Let's take all the classic works of art and instead put dogs in them. Mona Lisa, but it's a German Shepherd.

Half-Baked Idea: A traffic app that gives you directions in the local city's accent

When you go to a city, a traffic app that gives you directions in that city's accent... you go to Chicago and you get a little bit of, 'you go left on the Dan Ryan Expressway.'

There should be a reality show called 'Racism Island' for people fired for racism like Roseanne Barr

Everyone who loses a job for being racist, like Roseanne Barr... should go on a reality show together. They should make a reality show called Racism Island... and then you take all the money that the show generates, and then you donate it to make a scholarship fund for minorities.

I use Grindr to find guys with good haircuts to ask where they get groomed

I signed up for a Grindr account on my phone and then I found the guys that I thought had the best looking haircuts and I messaged them to ask them all where they got their haircuts... It's foolproof.

There should be a Tinder-style app specifically for finding people to fistfight

It's Tinder, but for people that want to get into fistfights... I just want to have a gentlemanly... I just want to punch somebody and get punched... find somebody who is my approximate height and weight, so it would be a nice fair fight.

There should be a 'Hammered' gym where you build bars while drinking beer

What about a gym called Hammered and it's like kind of one of those obscure like CrossFit type of gyms where it's just all you do is hammer things in for your workout while you drink beer... build a bar so that you can drink at it.

We should resolve the Confederate statue controversy by shrinking them by half every year

What I propose that we do is we just make every Confederate statue half the size that it is right now, year after year after year. So guess what? They're never going to go away. ... It'll be a penny.

I want to name my son 'Winner'

I want to name my son, my eventual son, Winner. Okay this is along the same lines of naming him coach. It's an alpha name... who's gonna be like no I don't want to have winner on my team.

The status of the victim determines the difference between being murdered and being assassinated

What's the difference between a murderer and an assassin? Like at what point if I died, like if somebody killed me on purpose, it's like a John Lennon. If I get killed, is that am I assassinated or am I just murdered? It's a total status question.