Takes

Watching sports on the couch is better than being at the games

Honestly, getting to watch games on your couch is way better than being at the games usually anyways. sitting on your couch at home with your own snacks and your own food, it's awesome.

Brandon Staley was supposed to turn the Chargers into a championship team

I thought Brandon Staley was gonna turn this whole Chargers thing around. I was like, this guy knows Ball. This guy has, it's a new C word team. Forget your father's Chargers.

You must eat only white cheese if you want to live to 100

I had a cab driver once from LaGuardia who was like, if you want to live to 100, you got to eat only white cheese. He's like, the minute you eat yellow cheese, you're going to kill yourself... He said it was such authority that I was like, damn. He must be right.

Thin sugar cookies with sprinkles are the superior Christmas cookie

I just like the sugar cookies with the, the like the straight up like the thin sugar cookies with the sprinkles on it that you can eat like a thousand of them.

It is better to be freezing inside with no heat than sweating with no AC

I'd rather be cold than hot. [With no AC] you can almost like figure it out... take off my t-shirt, wear some shorts, no underwear... [but] I had my heat die in Chicago when it was 10 degrees out and you can't move. It gets so, so cold inside.

Winning a foot race against your girlfriend is a lose-lose situation

I don't care how much gloating she was doing before the fact if you beat your girlfriend and a foot race, and then you're like, yes suck it bitch. I'm faster than you. That's probably going to end your relationship. So you almost have to throw it.

Testicles shrivel in the cold specifically to regulate sperm production temperature

When your balls shrivel up when it's cold is because they are seeking warmth because your sperm factory, in your nut sack, has to stay closer to your body to be the right temperature... because the optimal sperm producing temperature is a little bit chillier than the rest of your body.

Jameis Winston's stats are only better than Peyton Manning's because of the era

This is how the new-age NFL [is]. This is why the Jameis Winston/Peyton Manning stats are ridiculous when you actually adjust them for era. It's like, yeah, of course Jameis Winston has these numbers that are better than Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning still played partially in the old NFL.

Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because of Zeno's paradox

If you really want to get philosophical ... Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because in order to get ten yards you first have to go five yards. And then you have to get five yards. You have to go two and a half yards and so you will never actually make it all the way to a down.

I will make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday as President

I'm opening my candidacy for president... Day after the Super Bowl, national holiday. Done.

The podcast industry will eventually die like magazines

Everything's going to die. Listen, whatever project you're working on, that thing is not going to exist in 100 years. I don't care who you are. So yeah, everything's going to die.

Raphael is the best and only cool Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

I'm a Raphael. Raphael was the bad boy who April had a crush on... Raphael was the one who would always get them in trouble because he was such a badass. Raphael was the one, he was like the guy who kind of, the straw that stirred the drink.

Boneless wings are just chicken nuggets

A boneless wing... It's a fun fact. They're not even wings... They're chicken nuggets.