Takes

I will not be signing with the Los Angeles Rams

Well, the team that just kicked me out onto the street, you know, was the St. Louis Rams. Now the Los Angeles Rams. I'd probably rather not play there.

I'm not betting any over-unders in the NCAA Tournament this year

I've decided that I'm not going to bet any over-unders in the March Madness tournament. I had the realization that I lose all my money just betting overs because that's all I do. I never bet unders.

Someone will eventually make a career out of just rewording Adam Schefter tweets

Some people are going to be really successful. There are going to be some people that make a career off of doing that [rewording other people's tweets] the best, and they'll eventually work their way to the top if they fake it long enough. The person who's going to be the best at marketing themselves doing that is going to be like a legitimate news source in 15 years.

FGCU (Dunk City) will be a 'dangerous' 16-seed because of their name brand

Dunk City, FGCU, I guarantee you there's going to be some people out there that say, watch out, this team could make some noise because you remember two years ago when they dunked on people. Even though they're going to be a 16 seed, there are going to be people out there that label them as a possible dark horse dangerous team.

Robert Griffin III needs to cut his hair to look professional for job interviews

If I'm Robert Griffin, I got to cut the hair at this point... You don't want to go into a job interview looking like a hippie... Cut the hair off and be clean cut. Get back to business. Let people know that you're ready to go to work.

The Cleveland Browns are smarter to do nothing in free agency than to fail spectacularly again

I think the Browns are just playing the game where they fucked up so bad in the past and everything that they've done that not doing anything is actually a smarter move than trying to do something and failing because you can't stay still. You're going to piss off your fans for about six months if you don't do anything in free agency. But a fan's not going to remember that like a year from now.

Brock Osweiler is so tall that he will trip a lot in the NFL

Brock Osweiler. He's like six-eight. He's crazy tall, too tall. I feel like he's going to trip a lot in the NFL. Is that crazy?

Adam Schefter is on the comeback trail after getting 'killed' by Ian Rapoport

I would not be surprised to see Schefter on the comeback trail. You see a little life coming out of him when he's yelling at Hannah Storm. You see a little life when he's getting pissed off about getting [fake reported]. ... Don't count him out just yet.

Adam Schefter is a 'strong buy' because he still has the fire to make a comeback

I like that fire, though. You got to have that fire to make a comeback. So Adam Schefter is a strong buy for me.

Bryce Harper would be more likable if he shaved male pattern baldness into his head

If he didn't have the hair that he had, I think he would get a lot more love. Like think about Mike Trout. You don't hate Mike Trout because Mike Trout's kind of pudgy. He's like, doesn't have very good hair. ... Bryce Harper. He's doing every, every time I look around, he's got his hair flowing everywhere and he's got his shirt off. He's doing this. He's hitting home runs. You can't have it all. So either you change your name to Bruce or you shave your head, maybe shave male pattern baldness in, and then I'll start being a fan of Bruce Harper.

Oasis is an overrated band because they were just confusing the marketplace by ripping off the Beatles

My one overrated band, I'm going with Oasis because I honestly – you want to talk about copyright infringement? I thought Oasis were the Beatles for a really long time. So I'm saying Oasis. They clearly were trying to rip off the Beatles and make everyone – they were confusing the marketplace. And I don't appreciate that.

The more lawsuits ESPN files against us, the stronger we get

I want to have them file lawsuits at me nonstop because the more they file, the stronger I get... the more lawsuits we have filed against us, the better we get.

We should file a cease and desist against ESPN to stop them from sending us cease and desist letters

I think we can file a motion against their motion... We should file a cease and desist to them to stop sending a cease and desist letters.

The internet will side with us over ESPN in this legal battle

If I know anything about the Internet, the Internet's going to have our back. Nobody's going to side with ESPN on this. They're going to look real bad.

If John Skipper couldn't get the Chargers to move to L.A., he won't be able to stop our podcast

[John Skipper] is the guy that couldn't even get the Chargers to move up to L.A. I don't think that he's going to be able to get our podcast up there.

The Jaguars will sign a big free agent like Chris Ivory, cut him in two years because he didn't work out, and keep sucking.

The Jaguars have a ton of money, and everyone's going to say, wow, the Jaguars are going to make a big splash. Like, you know, like signing Chris Ivory in two years, they're going to cut him because he's like, he didn't work out and they're going to bring in a new coach and the Jaguars are going to keep sucking and it's going to be beautiful.

I have zero confidence that any running back free agent signing by any team is going to play out

I have zero confidence that any running back free agent signing by any team is going to play out. But the Jaguars keep going back to that.

The Raiders will get good and then immediately move to L.A., totally screwing over the city of Oakland.

I think what's what's going to happen is you're going to see the Raiders get really good... or start to get good and then move to L.A. right as they get good and totally screw over the city of Oakland.

Matthew Stafford will be the worst quarterback in the NFC North without Calvin Johnson.

Matt Stafford is getting paid a shitload of money, and now he's probably going to be the worst quarterback in the NFC North. And it looks like it's not going to get better for him... because call me crazy, but I'm not so sure that the Jim Bob Cooter offense is legit.

Russell Wilson is a media 'goober' who prepares boring, non-interesting answers before his interviews even start.

Basically, [Russell Wilson] wakes up in the morning, and if he's got an interview to do, he decides, I'm not going to tell you anything. Like, you may have questions. He's got answers, but he came up with those answers before he left the house. And he's just not going to say anything interesting at all.

Russell Wilson is the quintessential definition of a 'goober.'

He's the goober. He is the quintessential goober. I've said that from day one, Russell Wilson... he is the definition of a goober.

Mike Ditka is the only person in sports media who can say anything without backlash because people just accept it as 'just Ditka.'

[Mike Ditka] is the last guy who I think in all of media can basically say whatever he wants, and people will be like, oh, yeah, that's just Ditka. He is the last guy who personifies 'sorry not sorry'.

Mike Ditka hates Obamacare more than he hates the Green Bay Packers.

If there's one thing that Ditka hates more than the Packers, it's Obamacare. He absolutely hates Obamacare for some reason. So I'm going to miss his hot takes.

Pardon My Take will be the best place for sports arguments until we develop drug problems and tap out

This is gonna be the best place to get all your sports arguments and debates for the next several years until we both develop severe drug problems and tap out, have to have to take a couple years off. And then we'll have a reunion and they'll do like a behind the music on us.

If you can get your point across without spelling correctly, your take is stronger

If you can get your point across without having to spell every word correctly, you know, you've got a damn strong point. Right. If you have to make sure that everything's in its nice little order... is your take really that much worth reading to begin with? If it has to be spelled correctly?

People who practice perfect spelling are trying to hide something

People who practice perfect spelling know that they're trying to hide for [from] something. Exactly. It's overcompensating. It's like a major red flag if I read an article that has, you know, every comment in the exact right place and the grammar's impeccable.

Comment sections deliver the most pure and unfiltered takes on the internet

That's why comment sections usually deliver the most unfiltered Correct takes. It's because like you're in a race to get your takeout before somebody beats you on it. So like, you can't be bothered to make sure that it's a hundred percent factually correct... this is just like brain to internet. Like there's no filter.

Michael Jordan is the worst-dressed rich person in the world

I would say [Jordan] is probably the worst dresser, worst rich dresser in the world... He's worn cargo jeans before. Yeah. That cargo jeans are like, if you're not a Juggalo, you shouldn't be wearing cargo jeans.

Harrison Ford's earring is the most 'try hard' accessory in life

Number two is Harrison Ford. Harrison Ford is a try hard earring. His earring is the most try hard, it's the worst. And, and he, he seems like such a dick too. And like you can't, I can't believe that he has gone this far in life without having somebody say, dude, rip that shit out.

Chris Jones' NFL Combine wardrobe malfunction will ultimately work in his favor

Everyone knows his name. I think that that actually is gonna work in his favor. This is probably the best possible way to let the whole world know. Like, hey, it is, I'm just, I'm about to become an NFL player, make millions of dollars and Oh yeah. Did you see my [genitals] flop out of the pants?

Derrick Rose is in a permanent state of being so hurt that he's actually injured

With Derrick Rose. I, I say he is injured by a thousand hertz. Like he's gotten hurt so many times that it's all like just one big injury for him right now at this point. His body is just in a permanent state of being so hurt that it's injured... His mind, body and soul.

Chris Jones' combine wardrobe malfunction was an all-time bad moment for white guys

Chris Jones at the combine, his [package] flop out at the end of his 40 run, which by the way... that was an all time bad moment for white guys because we were like, is that guy like, is he hard or something? That's not only his at rest perspective.

Serge Ibaka being well-endowed is a known fact confirmed by rumors

[Serge Ibaka]... Everyone knows [he's] got a big dick. That's just a fact from a rumor.

A combine wardrobe malfunction is the best way to let the world know you're well-endowed

It's rare that you can get it out there in a non-bragging way... This, when you actually think about it, this is probably the best possible way to let the whole world know, like, hey, I'm about to become an NFL player, make millions of dollars, and oh yeah, did you see [that]?

Interim head coaches are the best part of the NFL

Interim head coaches are without a doubt the best part of the NFL.

Being 6-0 isn't impressive because every team has been undefeated at some point

A lot of people forget that at some point this year, every single team has been undefeated. So is 6-0 really that impressive for you guys?

Offensive linemen would be more effective if they were 5'8" because of the pad level advantage

I think I might be a little bit better if I were to be 5'8". That way you can really get underneath guys and really drive them out of the hole. 6'5 is sometimes a disadvantage... it's a liability sometimes.

Andy Dalton is 'no doubt' an elite quarterback

I definitely – [Dalton] is no doubt elite. I don't think it's much of a question about Joe Flacco being elite, but he is definitely an elite quarterback.

NFL teams should scrimmage during the bye week to keep working

Teams should do a full contact scrimmage on Sunday during the bye week at any rate just to keep the work going.

Adam Jones would be an ideal quarterback because he wouldn't let anyone else touch the ball

I would say Adam Jones would be the quarterback for nothing else, that he wouldn't let anybody else have the ball. I would say that's probably why he would be the quarterback.

Andy Dalton would be a game-changing middle linebacker and defensive tone-setter

I think you'd really got to put Andy Dalton in the middle linebacker. He's really the tone setter of the team. And I think to really put him in the middle of the field to make all the calls and checks, I think that's just a real game changer.

The correct touchdown dance is handing the ball to the ref and acting like you've been there before

Both are incorrect answers. The answer is you hand the ball to the official and you act like you've been there before.

Danny Woodhead Would Play The Game For Free

He's Woodhead, say his name with me. He's Woodhead, he'd play the game for free.

Danny Woodhead Goes Straight To The House Every Time

Which way did he go? Which way did he go? Straight to the motherfucking house!

Scoring Touchdowns Is Routine For Danny Woodhead

As he takes it to the house for the six-point score. Hands the ball to the ref, he's been there before.

Danny Woodhead Protects The Shield

He's Woodhead, he protects the shield. He's Woodhead, and he wrecks the field.

Woodhead Didn't Go To Harvard But He's A Student Of The Game

Didn't go to Harvard, but a student of the game.

More players should pull a John Elway and refuse to play for anyone but their hometown team

I don't know why more players don't come from college and pull a John Elway and pull themselves out of the draft and refuse to play for any other team except the one that is closest geographically to their hometown. That's what I would do. I guess I'm a little bit more old-fashioned than most people.

The Jeff Fisher 'bend but don't break' defense actually refers to players hyperextending their knees

And you worked so hard that you hyperextended your knee, right? See, that's the Jeff Fisher defense. It's bend but don't break.

Sammy Baugh led the league in interceptions while also being a punter and quarterback

A lot of people forget that Sammy Baugh was a punter and also a quarterback and also led the league in interceptions. You don't see that too much because players are pussies nowadays.