Takes

Bryce Maximus James is guaranteed to play in the NBA

My stardom is Bryce Maximus James. 'cause guess what? He's gonna be in the NBA at some point. I'm gonna call my shot right now. ... Feels like he's gonna get drafted and get in the NBA. The kid don't know. I just got a feeling about this one.

Guinness is a soup

Guinness is a soup. It's soup. Guinness. And it is a soup. It's barley soup.

Austin Ekeler will score three touchdowns against the 49ers

I'm going to again say that Austin Ekeler is going triple dick. This shit out of him. The Niners are gonna be airtight triple dick. Let's go.

Justin Fields will have a magical performance against the Packers at Lambeau

Wouldn't it be nice. If a little passing on the torch, Justin Fields went up to Lambeau his first trip to Lambeau, beat the Packers... I definitely deep down, I won't let myself say it in a serious tone because I don't want to be mocked... but deep down I'm thinking like this could be magical.

Ryan Tannehill is a fantasy lock for 250 yards and 4 touchdowns

My starting this week is Ryan Tannehill. If one thinks the Titans are running team, he's putting up forties and 250 yards minimum this weekend minimum, bro.

LeBron James only defended China to protect his Space Jam 2 ticket sales

LeBron is so transparent that he only wanted to say nice things about China because he wants to sell his stupid movie Space Jam 2. Space Jam 1 is better.

Ranking Steph Curry over Kobe Bryant all-time is crazy

Bleacher Report came out with their top 50 all-time NBA players and Kobe was 14, Steph Curry is 10... They're mad. They're real mad. They're big mad.

Jabari Parker was benched because he started the mutiny against the Bulls' practice

Jabari Parker, he has been benched because, and this is, I mean, I have no sources to back me up except my own brain, but he was clearly the guy who started the mutiny, right? Because he didn't want to practice. He doesn't want to play defense.

Eli Manning should just retire already

Fuck Eli Manning. How many times is Eli Manning going to sack himself when I put a little fucking cashola on the Giants in a Sunday night game? Fuck you, Eli Manning. Just retire, you fucking asshole.

Josh Allen is my sleeper of the week and will 'take flight' against the Vikings

My sleeper is Josh Allen. Against the Vikings, D. Everybody's talking about him. People forget they tied. They didn't win. They didn't lose. They don't know what the fuck is going on this week. That rocket arm about to take flight.

I will knock out Tex in the second round

Second round knockout. Woo! Boy. Actually, I'm 100% on board with that... I'm going to knock his ass out. Double sit-em. And my sleeper is the left-handed uppercut. Watch out for that in the second round when I fucking knock Tex's ass out.

Devontae Mays is a sleeper who will put up big numbers for the Packers through the end of the season

My sleeper is Devontae Mays. Brett Hundley stinks. Look for him to put up some big numbers to the end of the season for the Packers. ... Where does he play? Green Bay. What position? Running back slash receiver.

Start Drew Stanton on his bye week to guarantee a zero rather than negative points

My stardom of the week: Drew Stanton. The Cardinals are on a bye. But Drew Stanton, if he starts, he's getting negative points. So you start him on the bye and you get that zero. Bruce Arians is going to turn this team around.