Takes

Austin Ekeler will score three touchdowns against the 49ers

I'm going to again say that Austin Ekeler is going triple dick. This shit out of him. The Niners are gonna be airtight triple dick. Let's go.

Justin Fields will have a magical performance against the Packers at Lambeau

Wouldn't it be nice. If a little passing on the torch, Justin Fields went up to Lambeau his first trip to Lambeau, beat the Packers... I definitely deep down, I won't let myself say it in a serious tone because I don't want to be mocked afterwards, but deep down I'm thinking like this could be magical.

Jimmy Butler is a top-one player in the NBA

Jimmy Butler is a king, top one player in the NBA. He got fined due to attempting to escalate the situation and also for not snitching.

Ryan Tannehill is a fantasy lock for 250 yards and 4 touchdowns

My starting this week is Ryan Tannehill. If one thinks the Titans are running team, he's putting up forties and 250 yards minimum this weekend minimum, bro.

LeBron James only defended China to protect his Space Jam 2 ticket sales

LeBron is so transparent that he only wanted to say nice things about China because he wants to sell his stupid movie Space Jam 2. Space Jam 1 is better.

Ranking Steph Curry over Kobe Bryant all-time is crazy

Bleacher Report came out with their top 50 all-time NBA players and Kobe was 14, Steph Curry is 10... They're mad. They're real mad. They're big mad.

Bol Bol will get injured this season because he is too tall

My sit-up is Bol Bol. This guy is way too fucking tall. There's no way he makes it this whole season without getting hurt... he wears short shorts, so it makes him look even taller.

Eli Manning should just retire already

Fuck Eli Manning. How many times is Eli Manning going to sack himself when I put a little fucking cashola on the Giants in a Sunday night game? Fuck you, Eli Manning. Just retire, you fucking asshole.

I will knock out Tex in the second round

Second round knockout. Woo! Boy. Actually, I'm 100% on board with that... I'm going to knock his ass out. Double sit-em. And my sleeper is the left-handed uppercut. Watch out for that in the second round when I fucking knock Tex's ass out.