Takes

I am an absolute weapon and I'm going to give 180 seconds of hell to Jose Canseco

I'm fucking gonna go balls to the wall... I'm an absolute weapon... I can get hit. I can look like I'm about to die when I'm a zombie. Keep coming.

Matthew Stafford belongs in the Hall of Fame for his stats and his reputation as the toughest guy in the NFL.

This is why Matthew Stafford should be in the Hall of Fame. His resume is not going to be based on playoff wins, cause he has none. It's going to be based on stats, overall touchdowns and being top five in passing all the time, and being super tough. He's the toughest person to ever exist in the NFC North.

Recruits will overlook a coach's personal scandals if the program is high-level enough

I'd say most kids probably would go play for that coach [who frequents massage parlors] if it was a high enough program. Hey, 17-year-old jock kid that is being recruited, your coach is so famous for being a good head coach that he's getting handjobs all the time... I bet you don't want to play for him.

Winning big college football games requires changing up jerseys to get everyone excited

That's how you win football games. That's how you win big football games. You change up the jerseys, get everyone excited, don't pay the players, put all that money into doing different jerseys every week. New helmets.

Kyle Shanahan is the most likely coach to be the first one ejected under new NFL rules

I think a sneaky one is Kyle Shanahan because, one, he's a dick. Number two, he's got that entitlement thing, or at least the refs will think he's got that entitlement thing. So if he says one thing that crosses the line, they'll be like, I'm going to teach you a lesson.

The Falcons technically won the Super Bowl according to Bill Belichick's math

[Belichick's] exact quote was really at halftime the game is two thirds over because the fourth quarter is just situational football. So spin zone, the Falcons technically won the Super Bowl.

Eli Manning definitely committed fraud with the game-worn gear scandal

He did commit fraud. That's okay. What he should do is just come out and be like, hey, guys, I committed fraud. That's on me.

Chip Kelly will be the offensive coordinator for LSU

I'm just going to put this out here. Chip Kelly to LSU. Offense coordinator? I'm just saying, Chip Kelly to LSU, even though him and Coach O, they don't speak the same language.

Nick Saban would actually kill a reporter on camera if it didn't stop him from coaching the next week

Nick Saban actually would kill a reporter, I think, on camera. If he could still coach next week, if he could coach in the Iron Bowl, even though he killed a reporter at halftime, he would do it.

Coach Orgeron is a cult leader whose novelty will wear off because he is not smart enough to sustain success.

The thing with Coach O is he's basically a cult leader, right? He gets in, and he gets these kids really, really fired up because he's got a huge personality... But he's too dumb to be a good cult leader. So, like, the novelty of being in a cult and really enjoying your cult status, like, it's going to wear off pretty quickly.