Takes

Kobe Bryant is better than LeBron James

If you're a LeBron stan, take a moment, have a little self-reflection, and realize Kobe's better than LeBron.

Antonio Brown secretly hates being an Oakland Raider and will demand a trade within six weeks

Antonio Brown... I don't think he wants to be an Oakland Raider. And he's trying to convince himself that this is the good move... I think Antonio Brown is secretly like, this is kind of a bad deal... I wouldn't be shocked if he demands a trade within the first six weeks.

The WatchESPN app allows the network to spy on you inside your house

Alex Jones thinks that Bill Walton was being 100% serious... It would also be great if Bill Walton accidentally exposed this, and ESPN was trying not to let this out, and he was just off on one of his weird trips, and he unwittingly uncovered the most giant conspiracy in the history of cable television.

Florida State has a 'turtle murdering problem' and a bad culture

I'm guessing the Tallahassee police are somehow involved in this... Knowing that there's been one turtle murder that I know of this year, and it happened at Florida State, that's conclusive. Bad culture.

Phil Mickelson intentionally reported Lexi Thompson's rules violation to ensure the PGA Tour was on notice

I think Phil Mickelson called in this rules violation ahead of the Masters to make sure everybody was on their game. ... Also stay woke. Maybe he was just making this quote to get the headlines that he paid $2 million to his bookie last year, pushed down a little bit on the Google search results.

Jeff Bezos is using Alexa to listen to every conversation in your house

Stay woke on this. Jeff Bezos just told everybody that he's listening to every conversation that you have in your house and keeping track of it.

Voters are more likely to support political change when their local NFL team is losing

When your football team is good, you're more likely to vote for an incumbent. And when your football team's bad, you're more likely to vote for a new guy. The Jaguars and Dolphins sucked up until Election Day. Wisconsin voted Trump. Steelers sucked at the start of the year, Pennsylvania voted Trump. Carolina Panthers suck, North Carolina voted for Trump too.

The 2016 Big Ten Championship game is rigged for Wisconsin to win

The Big Ten titles game is going to be rigged in favor of Wisconsin this time. Because last time, the 59-0 Ohio State. That was rigged. Wisconsin. Gary Anderson was fired recently. Left right away. It all makes sense.

Twitter announced the death of Vine just to get PR and check its importance

It seems like something that a company that was maybe down... they need a little press. What better way to press than announce a death?... they're like, if enough people object to us closing down Vine, then we'll keep it around.

The Auburn girl getting hit in the face by a football was a staged video

I think it was planned. Obviously, she still got the ball off her face, but there's a second video of someone videotaping her behind her. That seems too convenient... I said in the text, I was like, I don't know how, but I know.

The 'Send Beer Money' Venmo kid on College GameDay is a fake viral ad

No, you don't do that. Seemed a little fishy... Nowhere to be found. No one can find Sam Crowder... It's a fake. It's a viral ad.