Takes

I love to fight and I would have kicked Kurt Bevacqua's ass if he actually came out of the clubhouse

You're goddamn right I like to fight. ... Come on out, I want to talk to you. And be ready, because I'm going to kick your ass. And [Kurt Bevacqua] wouldn't come out. He would not come out because I'd have laid him out, boy.

Modern baseball players are too distracted by video games like Fortnite

Yeah, they're playing their Fortnite and video games. ... That's what's happening to the players today. They're too much involved with the games.

Nick Foles should get surgery on his shoulder immediately to preserve his value as a Super Bowl champion before he has a chance to play poorly

If I'm Nick Foles, I get surgery immediately on it. And that way, the last thing in people's mind is this guy is a Super Bowl champion. The last game he played, they won the Super Bowl, and then he's going to get $50 million guaranteed.

Major League Baseball should have teams play on a Little League field for one night

I don't understand why Major League Baseball, to capture the imagination of America for one night – doesn't have the MLB teams play on a Little League field. ... The infield will make regulation. The fence will be 200 feet. ... tell me that wouldn't be the greatest thing ever.

Putting the third announcer on a field-level cart for MNF is a mistake

When you put a guy, a third guy, not in the booth, in some fucking weird contraption on the field, it will always feel like he's butting into the conversation and doesn't know really when to talk.

The new Monday Night Football booth is an 'F' without Joe Tessitore

Without Joe Tessitore, it's an F.

Dwight Schrute is a sidekick to Michael Scott

I'm going to go with George Costanza and Dwight Schrute. Those are my second and third picks [for Mount Rushmore of Sidekicks]. [Dwight] was to Michael.

A-Rod is an all-time sidekick because he agreed to move to third base for Derek Jeter

My next one is going to be A-Rod. Move to third base. Before he ever won anything.

Jared Goff has mastered the Rams system and can now create off-schedule plays

I think with Jared, you know, you see why he's the number one overall pick. He can make all the throws. He can change the launch point. He can create off schedule... being in the system for a second year... [he's] become more of a master of it.

California teenagers are intimidating because they experience life differently and lose their virginity early

Because California kids... They just experience life differently. Everything is relaxed. They probably have sex when they're like 12... They lose [their] virginity early. They smoke weed. They hang 10... when you come here and you see all these teenagers, you're like, these guys are just going to roast me.

I am not a fan of Europe and didn't enjoy staying in London

I don't love staying in London. The city of London is great. We stayed like an hour outside of London. Food is not great. And there's not really much to do. And I just don't, I'm just not a huge fan of Europe.

It's a sad day when Roethlisberger, Rivers, and Eli Manning retire

I'm going to really be disappointed when Big Ben retires. He's one of those guys, I don't want to get doom and gloom here, but Big Ben, Rivers, Eli Manning, all these guys retiring is going to be so sad.

If Ben Roethlisberger puts his walking boot on, it will actually help his head injury heal

I know this medically makes no sense, but I really do think that if Big Ben hurts his head, if he put on his walking boot, he will be better. [It's a] placebo effect.

The West Coast weather is basically a performance-enhancing drug for high school athletes

The weather is very, very nice. It's like a PED almost for high school kids... You're going to be better at sports if they cared at sports... you can play basketball like 24 hours a day, probably like 11 months out of the year.

Swag Kelly is the most talented quarterback on the Denver Broncos roster

Billy Football first reported that [Swag Kelly] is the most talented quarterback on that roster. Yes. And I love kind of the wildcard-ness that Swag brings. His name's Swag Kelly. He is the epitome of a wildcard.

Dwight Howard's plan to evolve into Kevin Durant and take jumpers will be a disaster

First one is the entire NBA because Dwight Howard, his trainer, has said that Dwight Howard wants to evolve into Anthony Davis, into Kevin Durant, but his own version of that... So Dwight Howard is going to start taking jumpers, which is going to be hilarious. It's going to be fun watching him try to shoot and take shots from John Wall and Bradley Beal.

An indoor full-court basketball court is the best amenity a sports fan can have in their home

Basically full court indoor basketball trumps all. [I'd take that over] a putting green in your backyard or a half court in your house. [It's better than] two lanes of a bowling alley in your house.

The Wendy's Spicy Chicken Sandwich is the 'Granddaddy of them all' for chicken sandwiches

I'm going to go with a spicy chicken sandwich at Wendy's. I actually had this listed before Chick-fil-A on my big board. So it's a good value pick for me. I think it's kind of the granddaddy of them all as far as chicken sandwiches go.

McDonald's fries are the best fast food item

And then for my last pick, McDonald's fries. Can't believe I got that one in the fourth round. I know. I know.

The Whataburger Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit is the best breakfast sandwich in America

Big time honorable mention to Whataburger Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit. Yes. Best breakfast sandwich in America. People forget Whataburger, not the best thing on the menu, is not burgers. It's the Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit. And it is incredible.

I hate Sam Bradford and Aaron Rodgers most among quarterbacks

Probably most well-known is Sam Bradford because he went number one over me. But Aaron Rodgers is for sure up there. [Bradford]'s a good player. He's obviously done it for many years... but it's always enjoyable to get sacks and interceptions off of him.

The Aaron Rodgers stomp was actually his own offensive lineman's fault for pushing me

That situation was interesting because if you go back and look at the play, I was actually tussling with one of his offensive linemen who pushed me and stepped back on him. If you really look at the situation, it was really his old lineman's fault. And that's their job to protect him. So they didn't protect him.

The firing of Jim Caldwell in Detroit was mind-boggling

That was a funny situation, especially for a guy being so successful and being one of the winningest coaches for the Lions... biased, I'm a huge fan of him. Had a tremendous year underneath him. So a little mind boggling with that situation.

Jared Goff is untouchable and one of the few quarterbacks I actually like

Goff is untouchable. He's our good friend. Goff is a good dude. Actually, he's one of a few quarterbacks I actually like. Him and Cutler are on the same page.

James Harden should turn the Scottsdale phone-throwing incident into a cell phone carrier commercial

Dude, every time something like this happens, if you could just figure out a way, if you're James Harden's agent, just create a commercial instantly making fun of this. Do a sprint commercial where you're just grabbing phones out of people's hands, throwing it, then handing them a sprint phone. And everyone would be like, oh, that's funny.

The Central Time Zone is the undisputed best time zone for sports fans

The Central Time Zone is by far the best. The problem with everyone who's like West Coast is the best because 10 a.m. football... 10 a.m. is too early. Noon is objectively the perfect time to start a football game... and Monday night football ends at like 11 o'clock. My ranking of time zones goes Central time, mountain time, west coast, east coast.

The East Coast is better than the West Coast for watching sports

I like East Coast better than West Coast actually... Noon is objectively the perfect time to start a football game. [On the West Coast] it doesn't feel like a big game if it's Sunday night football and it's still light outside. You should get a Purple Heart if you watch sports in the Eastern Time Zone.

Tiger Woods is officially back because he is contending in majors again

The Tiger's back crew that I despised for many years, the 2014-15 Tiger's back because he, you know, finished top 10 in a stupid tournament in Bermuda. That sucked. Now he's back because he's actually finishing second. I think he shot like six under today. He had that tiger stalk. He's back.

Brooks Koepka's lack of popularity is because his name is hard to pronounce

Because his name is hard to pronounce. People just don't say his name. That's what I'm saying. I always just avoid names I can't say. So I just don't ever say his name... It's like, bro, I don't know how to say his name. So I'm just not going to look dumb.

The Bellerive course was a sickening disgrace to the PGA Championship

Sickening showing by the course this weekend. Disgusting. Lowest, I think, score in a PGA Championship... I'm disappointed in you, St. Louis. Yet again. Lock up the course.

These new microphones officially make us look like douchebags

We look like fucking idiots with these new mics. I mean it sounds better I think so it looks like cool... but I do feel like we are officially douchebags. This is now official... like just close your eyes and be like the douchebags who have a podcast, this is what they do.

Jalen Ramsey's suspension is actually a great treat for him because he gets to sit in the air conditioning

That's why Jalen Ramsey was so smart to get suspended. True. That's a great treat for him. For going after the media. Yeah. Got to keep us in check.

Allagash White is my number one micro-brew and I am responsible for making the brand famous

But the last one is Allagash White, which I made famous. I mean, it's a little bit of a cliche, but I mean, I have two or three Allagash Whites a week. I mean, it's good beer. What more can I tell you?

Jason Garrett is on a toasty hot seat in Dallas

I'm going to see the Dallas Cowboys in Oxnard, California. [Jason Garrett's hot seat?] I think it's toasty. It's toasty.

A team's closeness and culture is a tangible advantage on the field

I always feel the tighter team, the closer team, has an advantage over the team that's not as tight. And the only way you do that is by hanging here, spending time together. I like to put ping pong tables in there just so people kick it and they don't go home right away.

Defenses never actually 'caught up' to the zone read; execution and health just failed

Personally don't think [defenses] ever did [catch up]. It was the lack of being able to continue doing it... There's no hey defense learned how to stop it. Yeah, they just have to play simpler which allows you to open up everything else.

Jimmy Garoppolo is an elite thrower with exceptional release speed

Jimmy, he's an elite thrower. I think everyone can see his arm talent, how quickly he can get rid of the ball. Even if you don't block very well, he can speed it up so fast that it's very hard to get to him.

Having a fullback allows the offense to dictate the game to the defense

I like to dictate what the offense wants to do. And when you don't have a fullback in the game, the defense can dictate it a lot... When you have a fullback in the game, it doesn't matter what the defense does. If you want to run it, you can, and they know that.

I regret throwing the ball on 2nd and 10 in field goal range during Super Bowl 51

The one regret I had is after we got down there was throwing it on second and 10. I wish I just ran it. But I also didn't plan on us getting a sack. We got four guys out, thought we could end it right there, and I thought if it wasn't, we'd throw it away, and we didn't.

The holding call on Mohamed Sanu in Super Bowl 51 was a suspect flag

Mohamed Sanu got us right back in the field goal range, but our left tackle had a holding kill, which put us in a third and 30... Mohamed Sanu beat man-to-man coverage, and it was over like that. But then there was a flag there, which – It still is a suspect flag, but it is what it is.

Johnny Manziel was set up to fail by being drafted higher than his production warranted

I thought Johnny, you know, he was put in an unfair situation where I thought he was taken higher than what he could produce. And that's a lot of pressure on a guy... I think he was set up to fail from the beginning.

NFL preseason doesn't suck; it's genuine, enjoyable football

It's such a treat every August because everyone's like, oh, the NFL preseason sucks. Guess what? It doesn't suck. No. It's football.

Media personalities should get things wrong on purpose once every few months to move the needle

I had somebody to pull me aside. I was like, you take it too seriously when I was younger. And he said, get something wrong on purpose. Just be so wrong once every few months that it kind of registers with people.

The 'clutch gene' is a real phenomenon because athletes can 'tighten up' under pressure

Why is it that we all accept that a certain golfer standing over a major putt four feet out to win the Masters... Everyone would agree that you're tightening up there a little bit, right? ... So if we all accept that that exists, why couldn't there be players that are more comfortable, therefore clutch, in those moments?

Men should never use 2.5-pound plates at the gym

Men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever. Ever. ... You went up two and a half pounds today. Like, men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever.

Grinding out a par in golf is more impressive than shooting a low score with no effort

See, Big Cat, here's where you and I kind of differ because you don't know as much about golf as I do. He [Tiger Woods] grinded this one out. ... if you grind out a bad score, it's actually better than shooting a good score with no effort. It shows more grit, more determination. It's like an ugly win. Better than a beautiful loss.

Theme parks and water parks use black sidewalks to dehydrate guests and increase concession sales

Have you ever noticed how theme parks and water parks always have black sidewalks? Yeah, to make you more thirsty so you buy more concessions. Yeah, stay woke. That's like pretzels at a bar.

If you get arrested, you should drop the name of a mid-level officer rather than the President

If you get arrested, you want to drop a name. It's kind of the inverse of what you think it should be. You want to drop the smallest name possible that the guy would recognize. Like you want to drop the name of his slightly superior officer. You don't want to go straight to the top with the president.

Ohio State fans should have learned not to hold rallies before the facts are out from the Penn State / Joe Paterno situation

I feel like we should have learned our lesson with the Joe Paterno rallies. Maybe wait until we figure everything out before you do like an entire impromptu rally at the stadium being like Free Urban Meyer. I can't really wrap my head around these people because I would assume these are the same people that if you bash Urban Meyer on Twitter, they will reply with, wait till all the facts come out. But then they also held an entire rally with none of the facts out.

The Simpsons is the best cartoon show of all time

Number one, no-brainer, Simpsons. Best cartoon show of all time. Even though there were only like seven or eight awesome seasons of it, those seven or eight seasons were good enough to justify like 50 years of shit.