Takes

Geno Smith is claiming the earth is flat as a media hack to stay relevant

when I saw him tweeting out videos today about it, my first thought was he's launching some new brand awareness thing. And so it was a great way to get back in the national conversation. Right. Was tweeting about how the earth flies. That is a hack into the media. Just tweet something. It's too easy.

A bar should be composed of multiple mini-bars with different themes and living room seating

What I'm thinking of doing with my idea is it's a bar, but there are like 10 different... Well, it's a bar slash restaurant, but there are 10 different bars that you go up to and you sit down at those bars. So instead of waiters and waitresses walking all around... It's just mini bars everywhere... You can have couches. You can have lazy boys.

We can make millions of dollars using bait-and-switch YouTube videos

Why don't we do that? We could be making millions. We need to create the fake YouTube account and then be like, oh, my God, check out the biggest play from the Super Bowl. And then it's just us pitching Pardon My Take at draftjoshallen.com and Bitcoin to Jen... I think we could actually make a lot of money off the bait and switch on YouTube.

We should make a movie about Jesus going back to high school as a friendless nerd

We should make a movie about Jesus going back to school, but he's a nerd and everybody hates him. It's like, what if Jesus went back to high school and he played the French horn and had braces and he couldn't get a handjob? Would you give Jesus a handjob if he was your high school classmate? Then can you really call yourself a Christian?

The NCAA taking down a championship banner is the most ridiculous punishment in all of sports

The act of the NCAA taking down a banner is the most ridiculous punishment in all of sports... [Michigan] should actually get Louisville's banner so they're allowed to hang it up but it says Louisville [on it].

Grayson Allen is the biggest villain in college basketball of the last 20 years

I am going to miss the end of the Grayson Allen era, who I think is the biggest villain in college basketball in like 20 years.

Kentucky fans will be fine with John Calipari if he reaches the Sweet 16 this year

Probably Sweet 16. You get to the Sweet 16, considering how bad they were most of the year, I think fans would be completely fine.

The iPhone X is a terrible phone for actual communication

I understand from people I know that are very close to me that, for instance, the iPhone, I think it's the iPhone 8 through 10, that as a telephone... They're very poor. Using this as a phone to communicate... especially like the iPhone X, it's terrible on the telephone.

Banks revamp their websites and apps specifically to lock customers out of their accounts

They get the great idea that they're going to revamp their whole online presence. They do this. All of a sudden, when I go to log in, it doesn't work anymore... Man, it's just unbelievable. I could go through about six passwords in two days. And if it was something I had done, I would understand it. But why did they have to do this?... I'm so sick of these things... it's just like they're singling me out.

Statistics are flawed because they ignore actual distribution (the chicken math analogy)

It's like if you and me went for a picnic. We take a chicken and I eat all of it and you have none. But statistically, you have eaten half of the chicken. This is why I don't look at statistics... you can't really do the stats when you don't know who actually ate the chicken.

MLB should allow managers to bat anyone on the roster out of order in the 9th inning

The rule is that in the bottom of the ninth, your manager is allowed to bat anyone, anyone on your roster, out of order, doesn't matter, makes the game more exciting... I actually like this rule. It's insane. The closer position would basically be obsolete, but it's a cool rule.

Major League Baseball is the only sport that will never change its rules

The best part about these rules that get thrown out for baseball is baseball is like the only sport that will never change any of its rules no matter what. They still can't figure out if they want to get rid of the DH or not.

The NCAA vacating titles is the dumbest penalty because you can't actually take away a title that people watched

Is this not the dumbest, most NCAA penalty? Just being like, yeah, all those memories don't exist anymore. [Louisville's] fans are just... Really, the only thing that it punishes Louisville in is that Kentucky fans can now say they didn't win that. But other than that, you can't just take away a title. That doesn't work.

Ice dancing is just figure skating for betas

Ice dancing is just figure skating for betas. It's figure skating for people that weren't good enough to do the jumps.

You can't have a tie in the Olympics; make them go again

I also saw that the bobsled team from Canada and Germany tied. Both got golds. How is that possible? Again, I'm not trying to be an Olympic hater, but you can't have a tie in the Olympics. You can't. It's the Olympics. Make them do it again. Go down one more time. What the hell are they doing?

Admitting you are a golfer out loud is broken brain territory because President Trump also golfs

So we've talked about it a few times that Donald Trump, President Trump has broken some people's brains. And I would say this guy who is now saying he can't openly admit that he's a golfer because President Trump also golfs. That would be broken brain territory.

I want to take out high interest loans to invest in Steven Seagal's Bitcoin 2Gen

I don't want to overreact, but I want to take out some high interest loans just so I can invest them in Steven Seagal's Bitcoin [2Gen]. That's how confident I am in this.

Media outlets create fake millennial memes and trends like avocado proposals just to have something to write about

I think someone out there... they either work for New York Times or BuzzFeed is basically creating these fake millennial memes and look at this new trend just so they have something to write about.

The success of the Golden Knights makes the rest of the NHL look bad for giving up those players

It's kind of going to make the rest of the league look really bad because all the other teams gave up all these guys, and they're all like the quote-unquote NHL rejects.

The NBA is so entertaining off the court that it makes up for the lack of production on the court

I feel like NBA is so entertaining off the court that it makes up for the production on the court.

If you need to buy time in a relationship, get a dog instead of a promise ring

What this guy doesn't realize is you don't have to get a promise ring. Get a dog. That's what a dog is. You get the dog, and then that buys you time.

Defense in the NBA All-Star game is not fun

they decided to play defense in the All-Star game, so that's not fun. Especially for those of us that had the over.

Left-handedness is proof that the human body is not meant to be left-handed

I think that just playing golf left-handed, that just goes to show you that the human body is not meant to be left-handed. They don't make left-handed can openers for a reason, folks.

I'm rooting for Tim Tebow because he makes sports more interesting

I root for Tim Tebow because he makes sports more interesting, but holy shit, will that be a circus [if he plays in the majors].

Tiger Woods getting a 'bad boy' warning from Trump is good for his street cred

Tiger Woods' bad boy status, when other men are saying, watch out for him, it's like Costanza putting on the Yankees jacket. It's like, you got to watch out... getting this back into circulation is good for his street cred. It's great.

Bob Huggins had a legitimate gripe regarding the free throw disparity against Kansas

with that last night, there's no question that he [Bob Huggins] had a legitimate concern because both teams are extremely aggressive... that amount of free throw difference, that was the most, that was the biggest margin of free throws Kansas has ever had in a Big 12 game. I mean, that's amazing stuff. So he had a legitimate gripe.

Virginia is susceptible to in-game lulls because they don't get to the free throw line enough

Virginia because I really like them but they've got that reputation that they don't commit a lot of fouls well they don't get fouled very much either so like they're not shooting very many free throws and on those nights when you're not making your shots you've got to have something else that you can go to.

Trae Young and Oklahoma are struggling with fatigue and spacing, not a lack of talent

I don't see him [Trae Young] playing as quick as the last week or so... I think the whole mental fatigue, physical fatigue, everybody's got that in February. Sometimes you just got to get back to playing quicker... if his team can stay committed to the spacing and they've got to start to string some stops together, I think they'll be just fine.

The FBI is leaking information to scare college basketball coaches into flipping

I think it's one of the agents that's actually working on the investigation who is trying to scare coaches into flipping... leaking this out and saying, 'hey, we're coming for you, we have the goods.'

Wichita State is a team no one wants to see in the first or second weekend of the tournament

Wichita State is not anybody I'd want to see, not only the first weekend of the tournament, but the second weekend of the tournament. Their offense, I feel like they can really get hot, and they can do it all different ways.

AJ McCarron is the perfect fit for the Arizona Cardinals

AJ McCarron has Arizona Cardinals screaming all over him. That seems like the perfect fit. Shirt off. Business tats.

LeBron James is a better all-around player than Michael Jordan, but I trust Jordan more at the end of a game

I will say LeBron is better all around, but I trust Michael at the end of the game.

I am officially an anti-Joey Logano podcast

Fuck Joey Logano. We're an anti-Joey Logano podcast, officially. We got a lot of things that we, a lot of hats we wear, but Joey Logano is not one of them.

The Eagles should NOT cut Jason Kelce for swearing at the Super Bowl parade

Mike Francesa had the take quake of the Eagles should cut Jason Kelce because he swore at the Super Bowl parade... Mike, if you don't go in your car, you actually will never hear a championship. Who listens to a championship broadcast on the radio?

Bill Walton's 'WatchESPN' comment was a result of him doing acid in a forest

When Bill Walton says, 'Watch ESPN, I can watch you,' it's because he did acid in the forest and pulled up his Watch ESPN to watch UCLA versus USC, and was like, 'The game's watching me.'

I would rather win one Super Bowl and have fun than win five in a fear-based organization

I think a lot of guys just want to be happy playing football... It's like the Patriots, obviously, they won five Super Bowls. Is that necessarily guideline minds to win the Super Bowl?... I don't want to be serious. I want to be a not serious individual and get the job done.

Ex-Patriot players won't speak the truth about how much they hated playing for Belichick

What do you think they're going to say? I can hate it there. No, I won Super Bowls. We had a great time. They're not going to badmouth their coach. They're not going to say what they really want to say. Do you think that's going to happen? Hell no.

Never slide in beer league softball unless it's the playoffs

Here's a hard and fast rule I had with softball... You never, ever slide if it's not the playoffs. Ever. Regular season does not matter. Just do not slide. If you get caught and you get tagged out, that's fine. It's better than sliding.

Winning a championship can fundamentally change a fan's entire outlook on life for months

The high of a championship... if your team wins a championship, it honestly can change your whole outlook. You buzz for weeks, months, going into next year. You just feel better, you feel happier.

The first game of the World Cup is the only one everyone genuinely gets up for

That's the one soccer game that everybody gets up for is the first one. And then after that, the novelty kind of dies off. I would say that the championship game is a little bit more fatigue. So, like, everyone's had a month of soccer already. If they're not one of your two teams in the finals, you're like, eh, I can take it or leave it.

Snow looks more professional when viewed at night under stadium lights

Snow just looks better at night. That's a fact. When you've got the lights popping off of it, it's all shiny, it's nice. It looks professional. During the day, it's like, oh, these are just people out for a good time on a mountain.

Colin Kaepernick's lawyers picked a fight they can't win against Roger Goodell and Papa John

My first hot seat is Colin Kaepernick's lawyers. Uh-oh. Because they picked some fights that they can't win. They're going up against Roger Goodell's two favorite people in the world, his wife and Papa John. ... They're going to ask Papa John if he gave instructions or if he was given instructions by Jerry Jones.

Saying 'anyone could coach that team' because they have talent is the dumbest argument in sports

That's the dumbest argument in all of sports. The NBA coaches, like, they did it with Spoelstra. They still do it with Phil Jackson... Well, Phil Jackson had MJ. Well, Phil Jackson had Kobe and Shaq. Well, yeah, and if you try to, like, get everyone to get along... these guys don't get along. They don't play well together just because you have the best player.

Brad Stevens is the reason the Isaiah Thomas 'Brinks truck' conversation even happened

I completely agree [with Rachel Nichols]. Brad Stevens basically has, like, he made Isaiah Thomas. I don't want to say made him who he is, but he made the conversation of a Brinks truck possible.

NBA tampering rules are stupid and assume players are too dumb to understand cap space

Tampering, it is stupid that the NBA even has tampering. Everybody tampers in the league. Tampering in general assumes that NBA players are too stupid to understand cap space or that like, oh, if Magic Johnson doesn't tell you, then there's no way that Paul George would possibly know there's clearing cap room for him.

LeBron James will never allow a teammate on the roster who knows more about wine than he does

LeBron takes his wine knowledge very seriously. There's no chance he will ever have somebody on his team that knows more about wine than he does. That's his thing.

If you are trying to return to the NFL, don't engage in sexting in your Instagram comments

And, man, if you're trying to get back in the league, you can't be hooking up with your fiancé or whatever you are with her in your Instagram comments.

Markelle Fultz should get drunk to fix his broken shooting hitch

My advice [for Markelle Fultz] would just be get drunk and start practicing. Because some people are better at beer pong when they're drunk. Some people are better at darts when they've had a couple beers in them. Just have a couple of Yeunglings before practice and just see where that goes.

Sammy Sosa's weird behavior is a smart strategy to distract people from his steroid use

Sammy Sosa has been playing dress-up and doing weird things for a while now, which might be just him getting everyone off the whole steroids thing, which is a smart strategy. We've never thought of this as a PR 101, just start changing everything about you, and eventually everyone's like, who's that guy?

Caffeine is a performance-enhancing drug for baseball writers

I'd also like to see how many of those baseball writers were on Diet Pepsi and Diet Coke at the time, which is caffeine. Oh, and guess what? It's a performance-enhancing drug for a writer.