Takes

Adam Gase traded Jay Ajayi primarily to send a message to a locker room that wasn't on his page

Adam Gase definitely [traded Jay Ajayi to send a message], but it's more than that, actually, because Gase and Ajayi were not on the same page at all... relationship never really got better. So it was more like, this is untenable. I need to send a message. I'm going to get value for this guy.

UConn Women's Basketball expects to win the national championship every single year

We expect to win the national championship every year. We know it's not possible... You're trying to put yourself in a position to have a shot every year, not to have these, you know, well, this is a rebuilding year.

Steph Curry would not be as successful if NBA refs allowed the physicality of college basketball

You think if they let – If they let guys in the NBA handle Steph Curry the way they handle college kids in college, he'd be able to do what he does? Absolutely not.

The NFL is the toughest sport to coach in the world

To me, the toughest sport to coach is the NFL. So those guys, to me, are the best coaches in the world.

Skip Bayless and the 'First Take' crew are 'schmos' who sold out for $6 million paychecks

You would go on TV, you would get all caught up in the whole TV thing, and then you'd start becoming like First Take or something. You'd start becoming like Skip Bayless and everybody would think... Remember these guys? They used to be good guys. Now they're a schmo... And they get $6 million for doing that. And I just did this for free, me and you, and I'm way better than that.

Tom Brady looks down on every NFL player who gets injured because he thinks his body is elastic

Tom Brady was talking about how his trainer has taught him how to not get injured ever. And so Tom Brady looks down on everyone that gets injured because he knows... when he gets hit, he thinks immediately when the helmet hits him to extend his body and to make his body more elastic. And that way, when he lands on the ground, he actually doesn't get hurt because he thinks all these things when he gets hit from the blind side.

Tom Brady has trained his brain to be anti-concussion

He's got an anti-concussion brain because of the thoughts he has. Yes, he's trained his brain not to get hurt... Imagine if he drank some of Russell Wilson's concussion water. He'd be unstoppable.

Facial hair is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows you can hunt and gather

Facial hair on a man, that is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows that you can provide for a family, you can hunt, you can gather, you can do it all.

NFL catch rules are bullshit after the Zach Miller non-touchdown

I am still so fucking mad about Zach Miller and that catch that wasn't a catch that was a catch. And I know, I know that this is, you know, the Calvin Johnson rule... but this is fucking bullshit. And it's the reason why, even though I love sports, I hate sports... I was that mad that Zach Miller broke his leg for nothing.

The Patriots are officially back and it is 'fucked up' that they already have a top defense again

The Patriots were dead, and now all of a sudden they have the best defense. It's fucked up. It's fucked up... with their best players out, no big deal. Fuck you, Hank.

Sleep is the enemy of greatness for football guys

Sleep is the enemy of greatness. Football guys would just prefer to not sleep ever if they could.

The Jaguars defense deserves the 'Saxonville' nickname

I'm currently not calling us that, but they've done a great job creating [sacks], so they deserve that name.

The original 'IT' and 'The Shining' are the only good scary movies

The problem is scary movies, I feel like, are always shitty movies, but a really good scary movie, like the original IT, was great... and The Shining, that is fucking awesome.

Roger Goodell is incompetent for not having blackmail on Jerry Jones

If you want to point your finger at [Goodell] for one thing... it's his complete negligence and incompetence for not being able to pick up any sort of compromising material on Jerry Jones... He's really not that difficult to compromise.

The 'shark photo' was the beginning of the end for Jim McElwain at Florida

I'd say it all went south when we all just thought that Jim McElwain was fucking a shark... When you have to hold a press conference saying you did not fuck a shark, that probably means the job's not for you.

Kiko Alonso should be suspended and punished severely for his hit on Joe Flacco

Kiko Alonso, should he be suspended forever? He should be covered in birdseed and strapped to the top of a mountain. [Joe Flacco's] hair looked pretty fucking sweet when his helmet popped off... but [Alonso's hit] was [awful].

Crying blood or bleeding from the ear makes a football player look more badass

His ear, having a bloody ear is just a badass look. There are certain orifices that when you bleed out of them, you look like you're Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator... If you cry blood, that's one. If you have blood coming out of your ear, that's another.

Jonathan Quinn is the worst quarterback to ever play more than one game in the NFL

Jonathan Quinn might be the worst quarterback to ever play more than one game in the NFL.

Antwaan Randle El was a better quarterback than Ben Roethlisberger during the Steelers' first Super Bowl run

Ben Roethlisberger, people forget Ben Roethlisberger, his first couple years, he was really bad. They would basically be like, if we just run the ball enough, maybe he won't fuck it up. That Super Bowl he won, the first one. Honestly, Antwaan Randle El was a better quarterback.

Start Drew Stanton on his bye week to guarantee a zero rather than negative points

My stardom of the week: Drew Stanton. The Cardinals are on a bye. But Drew Stanton, if he starts, he's getting negative points. So you start him on the bye and you get that zero. Bruce Arians is going to turn this team around.

I will be a great character witness for Big Cat and PFT to save the ESPN show

I think I would have been a great character witness. [I would tell John Skipper] Mr. Skipper, you know how salamanders mate for life? Well, these two guys, they're a perfect pair together.

High school football coaching in America fails to prepare quarterbacks for the college spread offense

what we're seeing at the college level is all these high school kids are running like fancy, like pro-style offenses where they just hand the ball off and they play under center too much and they're not preparing kids enough for the college game to play in the spread offense.

You cannot lead a clubhouse while wearing adult braces

[Joe Girardi's] problem was he could never recover from having braces. Adult braces. You can't be a leader of men with adult braces... if you can't straighten your teeth out, you can't straighten out a clubhouse.

Alex Rodriguez would be a great MLB manager

I'm not going to say that they should take a look at my boss, Alex Rodriguez, but if they were smart, A-Rod would be a hell of a boss, a hell of a manager. He knows how to keep the guys loose.

The TV show should have remained titled Pardon My Take rather than changing it to Barstool Van Talk

I was against the name change. I thought [Pardon My Take] made sense from a branding standpoint from what we've built right here to bring our audience over to television. I thought it made all the sense in the world to keep the show's name as [Pardon My Take].

I stand by the totality of my work despite previous offensive comments used to cancel the show

I've said many things that I'm sure if you showed to me today, I'd be like, eh, probably not the best. But I think more than anything, more than like one tweet or one word you said, you should be judged by the totality of everything you've done. And I will stand by everything I've done at Barstool. I'll stand by the platform that it's given me. I'll stand by the audience that I've built.

ESPN mismanaged the Barstool deal by putting the show on the air when they knew they couldn't handle the internal pressure

I really wish ESPN had stood tall on it because I think it was shitty that they put us on, and then they basically took us off. When they knew that this all could come brewing, they should have just never put us on to begin with. It was mismanaged from the beginning.

No one ever wins an internet fight

No one wins an internet fight. And no one knows what they're talking about. No, no one ever wins an internet fight. I've learned that. I've gotten in many internet fights. I've gotten in internet fights I regret over and over. No one wins an internet fight.

Pete Rose belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame as a player

As a baseball player, put him in the Hall of Fame. Don't let him hold a job. That's it. If you cheat in grad school, I don't take away from your undergrad degree. And that's the way I look at it with Pete. He did something wrong as a manager. Now, if you can prove he bet as a player, then I wouldn't put him in the Hall of Fame.

I would have easily beaten Skip Bayless in a game of one-on-one basketball

[Skip Bayless] is in good shape. But if we're shooting, then I would steal his lunch money. I would have lit up Skip Bayless.

Chris Berman was the greatest highlight broadcaster in history and the foundation of ESPN

[Chris] Berman was the best highlight guy at what he did when he did it. It was revolutionary, controversial, and the fact that he had the guts to do it and continue to do it. You can't build ESPN without him.

It is rarely beneficial for public figures to read their mentions on Twitter

I never knew where to listen to [the haters]. No, I couldn't care less. ... It's rarely good when you go on Twitter or you listen to those people.

Playoff Kershaw is no longer a real thing and I was wrong to mock him

Clayton Kershaw, Playoff Kershaw is no longer a thing. It sucks. I love to laugh at Clayton Kershaw every October when someone would put a moonshot three rows up. It sucks that we can't make fun of Clayton Kershaw anymore.

Carson Wentz is actually a good quarterback and I was wrong about him

And my other one is Carson Wentz. He's fucking good. And I, for a long time, said he sucked.

Austin, Texas is a bad sports town for trying to steal the Columbus Crew

Austin, Texas. Bad sports town... they are currently in the midst of cucking the Columbus Crew. They're trying to steal the Crew, which is a Talking Soccer. They're trying to steal an MLS team and bring them down to Austin, Texas.

Relationships are doomed to fail if one person transfers schools specifically for the other

Your other mistake is transferring schools because anyone who ever transfers for a relationship, that relationship immediately breaks up. That doesn't last.

The presence of a dog makes a man significantly more attractive by proving he can keep something alive

[A dog] shows that we can keep another thing alive. It's the paternal instinct. You look at that and you're like, that guy would be a good dad because he's holding an animal and the animal isn't dead yet.

The Chicago Bears are for real

The Bears are for real. Never meant to make Cam Newton cry. See his outfit. What a real weird guy. John Fox has his team playing John Fox football, which means he takes his [team] back to a time before the forward pass existed.

The Atlanta Falcons are officially pretenders

The Falcons are pretenders. They are officially in the pretenders pile. You know what's great, too, is I think they started like 2-0 and everyone was like, see, told you, the Falcons do not have a Super Bowl hangover. Now you see them. They are mentally just broken.

A shitty offense makes a defense better because they play harder out of pure anger

If you have a shitty enough offense, your defense gets a lot better because they're so fucking mad at your offense. [It's] just being so angry at how incompetent your offense is that you actually end up playing harder just because you're furious all the time.

All men will become hobos within a week if they lose access to hygiene products

Left to your own devices, all men will become hobos within like a week of having no access to hygiene products.

College football is more fun when Notre Dame is good

Notre Dame is back. And it's going to be fun. It's going to be fun to watch Notre Dame get their hopes all the way up. College football is significantly more fun when Notre Dame is back.

Ass-eating season is 100% back

I said that it was toe-sucking season, but I'm retracting that. Ass-eating season is 100% back. Gabby Union said that she eats Dwayne Wade's ass.

Hue Jackson is this generation's Norv Turner or Wade Phillips

I think with [Hue] Jackson, it's just a matter of time at this point. He strikes me as this generation's Norv Turner or Wade Phillips, who is very good as a coordinator, good enough to keep getting head coaching jobs, but bad enough as a head coach to not hold those jobs.

Tom Brady will retire suddenly to avoid having a farewell tour

Brady keeps saying that he's going to play four or five years so that he can then just retire all of a sudden? Yeah, he doesn't want to have a farewell tour. If [the Patriots] win another Super Bowl... is it going to shock anybody if he walks away?

Kyrie Irving telling a fan to 'suck my dick' was worth the $25,000 fine

Kyrie got fined 25,000 that's not that much totally worth it to say suck my dick to fan yes absolutely yeah... Saying suck my dick in Philly is like the nicest thing you can do. That's the Philadelphia hello.

The Dodgers are a better team than the Cubs

I am ready now to admit that the Dodgers are the better team. Was it a gentleman's sweep? Yeah, it was. I love the gentleman's sweep.

The Yankees are the No. 1 team in the 'Team of Destiny' power rankings

My guess is the Yankees. The Yankees, currently right now, if we're doing our team of destiny power rankings, they're clearly No. 1. The pinstripes are popping extra hot right now.

You cannot have a championship drought if you have never won a title

The Astros, the Indians are the longest drought for Major League Baseball. Yes. For a championship. The Rangers are second longest. The Astros are third. The Rangers and the Astros have never won a World Series. Can you have a drought if you've never won a World Series? Because I say no.

Andy Reid should have kept committing penalties at the goal line to prevent the Raiders from ever reaching the end zone

It was the Schrodinger's cat of penalties where the Raiders were mathematically eliminated from scoring touchdowns if you just keep committing penalties and they can only get halfway to the end zone, halfway to the end zone, half the distance, half the distance. They'll never get there. Andy should have just kept his foot on the gas.