Takes

Thursday Night Football is where real football gets played.

I'm saying suck it because we have long said Thursday night football is where real football gets played. You might get the Bengals and the Texans scoring no touchdowns, but you also might get a Brian Hoyer and Jared Goff shootout.

Sean McVay is an elite coach who has turned Jared Goff into a monster

Sean McVay... I'll tell you what, that guy can fucking coach. Because he had play calls that were like, every now and then he'd sprinkle one play in and be like, whoa, that was really nicely designed. And what he's done with Jared Goff... Sean McVay has molded him into a monster.

The premise of American football is simply to get drunk and beat the shit out of a stranger.

I love the British fans every year and the costumes... because they don't understand that the premise of American football is to just get drunk and beat the shit out of a stranger.

The NBA is better than any other league at staying relevant through drama during the off-season

The best thing about the NBA is they have done a great job of never having it end. So as soon as the NBA season ends, then you have the draft... free agency starts... summer league... then Kyrie demands a trade... it's a soap opera. It is the best.

Mainstream sports media is struggling because players now have their own platforms to control the narrative

That right there is why people and athletes kind of don't have the best relationship with the media. And it's why people start their own podcast or people do things on Uninterrupted or if people want to go on their own Instagram or Facebook Live. And I think that's why mainstream media, especially in sports, is struggling a little bit.

Athletes shouldn't retire just because they aren't at an MVP level anymore; as long as they love competing, they should keep playing.

If you're still doing what you love, and I'll tell you from our perspective, only fans can put expectations on you... My son gets to come to the game and watch me and I get to play in front of 30,000 people. You should never be sad. Be happy about the moments that you have and then enjoy what you can have moving forward.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT, followed by LeBron, Kareem, Tim Duncan, and Magic Johnson

I'll go MJ 1. I'll go LeBron 2—still counting, though... Then at three, I would go Kareem. Four, I would go probably Tim. Then five, I would go Magic. Magic and Kobe are really, really close.

Magic Johnson is the face of the Lakers and the best Laker of all time over Kobe Bryant

I would still say Magic is the face of the Lakers. I think from a personality standpoint and just generationally, like Kobe was amazing what he was able to do... but I would still say Magic is the face of the Lakers.

The 'eyeball test' remains a reliable way to judge a bad team regardless of what sabermetrics say.

The eyeball test has become a rare test in our society... It still works. [The Giants] just stink out loud. You don't need to tell me that they suck. I use my eyes.

Playmakers is the greatest television show of any generation

It was basically ballers before ballers, but it was like rated R ballers. And it was like every stereotype about the NFL just on steroids... We're watching Playmakers from start to finish. Fuck ballers. That's JV shit. We're watching Playmakers from start to finish.

Kevin Durant is an internet troll and a disturbed individual

[Kevin Durant] is an internet troll, but I think more important than that, he is a disturbed individual. And this most recent spur of activity that he's been doing from getting caught responding to himself to his apologies that he's been issuing... I've swung 360 degrees.

Kevin Durant is the best writer of anyone who tweets about the NBA

KD is actually probably the best writer of anybody that tweets about the NBA.

You cannot be a bad football coach and have slicked-back hair like Ben McAdoo

My other hot seat was Ben McAdoo's hair. You can't be bad and have hair like that... That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper was just such a bad... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

Ben McAdoo is officially not a football guy

I am officially, here's me, a rare thing done on Pardon My Take... I'm here to apologize. Ben McAdoo is not a football guy. Firmly not. The punch the kangaroo in the face stunt, that's when I knew he was not a football guy. That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

LeBron James is the hardest working player I have ever been around

LeBron is the hardest working guy that I've ever been around. And I've played with Dirk, Tim Duncan, Steph Curry, Jason Kidd... the amount of time that he takes on his body... i'm just saying when I look at how hard the guy works, then I think a lot of that has to do with why he has avoided injuries.

LeBron James is the best player of our generation

LeBron to me is the best player of our generation. LeBron is the best player that I've ever played against so over my 17 years in this league. But it's weird because he is the best player I've ever played with. I played with Tim Duncan, I played with Jason Kidd... I've seen Tim do some absurd shit. Jay Kidd I got to see every day... but LeBron is the best.

The Cleveland-Golden State rivalry is the only time NBA fans actually feel vulnerable

When Golden State shows up in our building, that is the first time all year that you're like... You can feel the anxiety of 20 something thousand people... to me, that's an energy that you only get in the NBA finals, like where you literally feel vulnerable for the first time in months.

Steph Curry's comments about the Cavs' locker room smelling like champagne were disrespectful

That's why Steph made those comments about, 'oh, I hope their locker room still smells like champagne.' He said that after they won the first championship and they beat Cleveland in game six. And it was kind of a shot. It's a little disrespectful to say that. I love Steph, I don't know if he meant it to be really disrespectful, but yeah, you say that, it's like, 'hey, it was a good win.'

NBA players are unfairly criticized for moving teams compared to teams trading players

Kairi [Kyrie], what Boston did to Isaiah [Thomas], you know, it's just a part of our job... and yes it personally connected and it hurts at times. But when players decide to leave in free agency, it's 'let's burn a jersey.' No, this guy we gave you... when KD decided to go and do what he wanted to do with Golden State... we aren't allowed to do it without being criticized. But team can trade the players. They can play chess with us as much as they want.

Jason Garrett is only the Cowboys coach because he never says no to Jerry Jones

I'm pretty sure that Jason Garrett is only in place because he doesn't say no to Jerry Jones. So Jerry Jones is actually calling all these plays. And Jason Garrett, he pets them after every game. He's like, 'Jimmy used to always talk back to me.'

Eli Manning's consecutive games streak only exists because he goes down as soon as anyone gets close to him

Eli Manning is so funny. His streak of consecutive games... it's just because he just goes down. He literally goes down every time that someone's even close to him, and that's why he gets to play every game... Eli has proven that luck exists in life.

College football is more exciting than the NFL, but it isn't 'better than' the NFL

Saying something is better than is not exactly correct in this case because, yes, college football is more exciting, but it's not better than. I mean, the guys aren't playing defense half the time. People are wide open. The windows are wide open.

The discussion of Texas being 'back' means the program is officially back

Texas football, just the discussion of it being back, means it's back. Because that's what Texas football has become. It's like Texas, Notre Dame, Michigan... certain programs where if they have one good game [we ask] is Florida back? Tennessee... Miami.

Matthew McConaughey was meant to be a Californian who happened to be born in Texas

The danger in bringing Matthew McConaughey to Los Angeles is at any given time you might lose him. He might just defect... his natural state is like a caliber [Californian]... He was meant to be caliber. He was just he happened to be born on like a lot of land.

Fullbacks are officially back in a big way in the NFL

Fullbacks are back in a big way... I think it might be confirmation bias, but I've been noticing fullbacks more and more. Specifically, Derek Coleman, the fullback for the Falcons.

Jerry Jones is not as powerful among NFL owners as the media portrays

People think that Jerry Jones is very powerful, and I guess he is if you focus on different groups, like as it relates to the media... but as it relates to the other owners, I don't think he's as powerful as people think he is. And I think it's getting to a point where people just tune him out.

The Bears should start Mitch Trubisky now because the season is already lost

At some point, you just kind of say, screw it. You know, this season is lost, so let's just treat it like an extended preseason for next season.

Many NFL agents care more about their fees than the long-term health of their clients

I think a lot of agents, they just care about what their fee is going to be. They don't care about whether or not the guy is going to get jacked up playing for that team. All they care about is getting the maximum fee and having the maximum contract they can parade around out there.

Tom Brady says he'll play until 45 to avoid a public farewell tour

I think he never wants his last year to be known as his last year. I don't think he ever wants to have a Derek Jeter farewell tour... by keeping that stake as far out into the future as possible, he'll never be in a season that anyone would say this is his last year.

Sam Bradford is the first player who isn't 'injured', he is just always hurt

He's [Bradford] not injured. He he's just, injured all the time. He's just always hurt. Yeah, so then you come home after a day of darting and you're like, I'm not drunk. I'm fine... That's what Sam Bradford's knee is. It's the new normal.

Andrew Luck is the NFL's version of Derrick Rose

Andrew Luck, by the way, is now... He's, like, almost, he's not Derrick Rose, but, like, there's that semblance of, like, he could just have a random surgery at any moment without an injury happening

Bill O'Brien should be known as the 'QB Yeller' rather than the 'QB Whisperer.'

Bill O'Brien we have officially taken away his QB whisperer name. He is no longer the QB... how did he get that title? He was the QB yeller because he screamed at Tom Brady that one time and everyone was like 'wow this guy's not afraid to stand up to Tom Brady so he must be a good coach.'

Hewlett-Packard is a 'vile' company

The post office, I think the post office, unfortunately, you're just fighting. The stupidity of it is incredible ... Hewlett-Packard, on the other hand, is a vile company.

MeUndies needs to add an 'escape hatch' for older men to avoid the 'drip factor'

I have raised a legitimate question here. How can you not have an escape hatch for the undies? ... At my age, there was what we call a drip factor. ... You can't get Mr. Johnson out without pulling him down.

The extreme warnings on prescription drug commercials are a ridiculous example of government overreach.

You see these drug companies... Ninety percent of the ads are drug companies. The warnings... if anybody would take one of these pills, after listening to the warnings for these things, things like, you may go insane if you take these pills... it occurs to me that what that is, is really... such an example of the government run amok. The reason they have to do this is because the government is requiring [them].

Tom Coughlin might actually be dead and operating on reflex muscles

I think Tom Coughlin has been dead for years, actually. ... After you die, your body—your muscles keep twitching. ... He's just been walking around berating players for not being on time to practice.

Men should not show their knees in an office setting

I actually stand with that rule because I've long said that shorts are gross. Men should not show their knees. That's fucked up. That's unbecoming.

I'm preemptively sad about Philip Rivers retiring

I'm going to preemptively get sad when Phil Rivers retires. He's becoming more and more Phil Rivers, if that's possible. It's like every stereotype, every caricature of Phil Rivers, like when you close your eyes, you think of Phil Rivers stomping, yelling at refs, giving weird faces, spiking the ball... his eyes bugging out on the sidelines.

The 'TV-ification' of Rex Ryan is ruining what makes him a great media personality

This is the TV-ification of Rex Ryan. I don't like it at all. I don't know if he was trying to impress Beth [Mowens] up there or what the deal was, but he wasn't angry, surly, aggressive Rex. I like my Ryan Brothers stories like tall tales... better than seeing them with a suit on trying to stumble their way through a telecast.

The Vikings officially won the Sam Bradford trade with the Eagles

Sam Bradford, that is an official win for the Vikings in their trade when you said that that was the worst trade ever last year... Teddy Bridgewater might never play football again. Sam Bradford was on fire on Monday night.

Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone for people to put cases on it

I have never had a case on my phone. Skin on metal. Feels good. Feels real good. Feels wrong to do it. Steve Jobs didn't make an iPhone to put a fucking case on it.

The 'anti-Kaepernick' protesters are the main reason for the NFL's Week 1 ratings dip

I'm going to go with the protesters who are protesting Colin Kaepernick not being in the NFL as being the biggest reason why [ratings] are down this week. And that's because the New England Patriots played in primetime on week one.

Tom Coughlin has already successfully changed the culture for the Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars are now over .500 for the first time in six years... That is a culture change. That is a shift. Tom Coughlin changed the entire mentality... People love working there. They're on tape literally saying they love to work there.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

Gambling on the NFL is the hardest thing in the entire world

And two, gambling on the NFL is the hardest thing in the entire world, and no one should ever do it because it's god-awful.

TJ Watt is currently the man carrying the torch for the Watt family

I think we need to do a torch update just on the Watt family. Who is carrying the torch? Whose man is carrying the torch in the Watt family right now? Because I think it's TJ.

The Seahawks offensive line is still dog shit

The other big takeaway that I had was that the Seahawks offensive line is still dog shit. ... I don't know where he [Tom Cable] finds the offensive lineman that he has, but they all suck. They always will suck.

I'm a Kesha guy over Taylor Swift or Katy Perry

And I want to officially go on the record when people say, are you Taylor Swift or Katy Perry guy? I'm a Kesha guy through and through.

To win a championship you need a great QB, great defense, and a reliable kicker

I've always thought this. When it comes to winning a championship, you need a great quarterback, a good defense, and a field goal kicker that can make field goals. Or a good quarterback, a great defense, and a field goal kicker that can make field goals.

I hate Ohio State

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? ... I hate Ohio State.