Takes

Aaron Judge is not a true Yankee because he hasn't won a World Series

I would go even further and say he's [Aaron Judge] not a true Yankee. Which is funny because he's had some of the best seasons of all time by any offensive player. Still not a true Yankee... You can't be a true Yankee in the regular season. The Yankees season starts in October.

Jalen Brunson is the next 'Can't Win The Big One' guy in the NBA

How about this one? Hank, you're gonna like this one. Jalen Brunson. Mm. Does that do anything for you? Yeah. Not clutch at all... I'm trying to predict where the narratives are gonna go next... The Knicks were built to beat the Celtics this year.

Kevin O'Connell is a regular season merchant who can't win in the playoffs

Kevin O'Connell. Can't, can't win in the playoffs. Oh. He's a regular season merchant... Bringing the best out of him. Getting high seeds, losing the playoffs. Just something to keep your eye on. Keep an eye on.

Paige Bueckers will be a better WNBA player than Caitlin Clark

I do think that she [Paige Bueckers] might be a better WNBA player than Caitlin Clark. I think she's more athletic. She's more explosive. Caitlin Clark obviously shoots better from the outside and she's like a once in a generation talent. But in terms of, I'm talking about winning.

Scottie Scheffler is just a Masters merchant

He's also gonna be the new narrative guy. He might just be a masters merchant. He's got, he's got a win in major that's not the masters.

Mavericks GM Nico Harrison is a coward for not sitting in his real seats since trading Luka Doncic

I also was made aware that Nico Harrison has not sat in his real seats since the trade. You fucking coward. Go back and sit in your seats... You can't make that trade. And they'd be like, oh, I don't sit in my seats anymore.

Aaron Rodgers is 41 years old and completely washed

He's 40, 41. That's old as fuck. Too old, right? Hank? Yeah. 40 is washed. Whoa. Washed. Aaron Rodgers is 41 years old.

Zach Hampel is the best of all time at ball-hawking and deserves respect for his greatness

Listen, I, I know Zach Hampel's a very controversial, actually, he's not controversial. Everyone just hates him. He's, he's the best to ever do it... When did we stop respecting greatness?... He's literally the best to ever do it. What he does, he is the best of all time at.

International hockey tournaments like the Olympics are not legitimate without Russia involved

The worst part about four nations and the Olympics next year. Do you guys know? No, it's no Russia. Oh. So nothing is really that legit because best on, best on best hockey? Like you need Russia involved. It's just, you know what I mean?

Leon Draisaitl is more valuable to the Oilers than Connor McDavid this year

I'm an Oilers guy and Leon Draisaitl has just to me been the best player in the league. The most valuable player of the Oilers McDavid's had this great year still, but not McDavid. And then he's leading the league in goals by a lot.

Duke's loss to Houston was the biggest choke in Final Four history

Duke's downfall for four hours, but like, sign me up. I'll take off my pants right now. 'cause that was, holy fuck. Was that an incredible Final Four delivered... Duke biggest choke in Final Four history. Best team ever analytically... They're the only team to, to have a higher field goal. Percentage more free throw attempts, more assists, fewer turnovers, more steals and lose in the history of the NCAA tournament.

Cooper Flagg does not have the clutch gene

I agree with Skip Bayless and Big Cat in that Cooper Flagg probably doesn't have the clutch gene. If I'm drafting number one in the NBA draft and I'm, I don't know, the Utah Jazz, I I would pass on 'em. Yeah, I would. And let whoever is picking after take them. Like, 'cause you're not gonna win with 'em.

Ja Morant's addiction to fake guns is the best addiction of all time

Ja Morant can't quit holding fake guns. It's the, it's the best addiction of all time. I respect the hell outta that... the NBA coming down on him for his fake guns is bullshit. Just ignoring all the history of Ja Morant with real guns. I love that shit.

The Rock's massive cheat meals are stolen valor

His cheat days are bullshit. Where he is like, 'Oh me, I'm the Rock, I'm eating a hundred pancakes.' Like yeah dude, eat a hundred pancakes when you're already full and fat. That's hard work. If you're in really good shape and you eat a lot of food, that's not hard. It's stolen valor. I wanna see the Rock eat a cheat meal when he's already full.

John Cena is a dick for trying to invalidate my authenticity

One of the big disagreements John Cena and I have had is he feels I'm not authentic enough or as authentic as he was. And I think at this point I'm pretty confident in who I am. To some people he's still John Cena, the hero, and to other people, especially the younger audience, he's kind of a dick.

Maryland basketball is currently a stepping stone job.

And here's what sucks for Maryland is that Maryland should not be a stepping stone job. No. Maryland should be a job that a guy should want to stay at for a long time. But as of right now, guess what the reality is? It's a stepping stone job.

Cooper Flagg should opt out of the Final Four to protect his draft stock

If I was Cooper Flagg, I would sit out. Yeah. And don't get hurt. You're gonna be playing against grown ass men. Sit out, opt out, and then just wait to enter the NBA draft and make money

The Impractical Jokers are 'sex creeps'

The impractical Joker suck ass... turns out two of the four creeps. Sex creeps. Allegedly. Allegedly. It was Joe and it was Myrrh. Allegedly. Okay. So Joe alleged, well I also wanna say for Joe, he has now checked himself into inpatient treatment. Smart for being a sex creep... Joe Gato is seeking treatment for, I guess being a sex creep. So he is been hitting up high school girls, hanging out with them, touching their stomachs, doing weird shit. And then Mur was allegedly deeming a bunch of underage girls too.

Hammocks are more afraid of you than you are of them

Hammocks are more afraid of you than you are of them. My take is that that's a fact. Some of us aren't pussies and it's extreme sports. It's like extreme sleeping. Big Mattress is trying to steer you away from hammocks. Anytime somebody dies in a hammock, it becomes a big news story like a shark attack.

FIFA is not a corrupt organization

Anyone that was pointing a finger at Sep Blatter and saying that FIFA is corrupt... Guess what? You're wrong. He's been officially cleared. Fifa. It turns out plot twist, not corrupt. Everything's above board in FIFA.

The Big East is for basketball while the SEC is for football

Big East is college basketball. SEC's football... when you're watching SEC basketball fans, you know, you're only thinking in the back of your head... they don't care about this. Like they care about football.

Nice furniture does not belong outside

Nice furniture should not be outside... the maintenance is not worth the comfort. It's fucking outdoors.

Bill Self is on the hot seat after losing in the first round as a preseason number one

Is Bill Self on the hot seat? I don't know if he's on the hot seat... Kansas also, they became the second AP preseason number one to lose in the first round of the NCAA tournament. Obviously Bill self not on the hot seat, but it's fun to have the conversation.

BYU is a legitimate threat to win the National Championship

BYU's a team that everyone's picking against, but they they were on the list. [PFT: BYU can win the national title?] Yes.

UNC getting into the tournament over West Virginia and Indiana is a result of committee member Bubba Cunningham being the UNC AD

UNC got into the tournament with one quad, one win. And Bubba Cunningham, who is part of the selection committee is also the ad at UNC. What I would say to that is that doesn't fucking matter at all [that he recused himself] because you spend an entire weekend hanging out with this people... Everyone in that room has to decide on UNC and then have him come back in the room and he's gonna be like, so how we looking?

Florida will crush UConn by a hundred if they meet in the second round

I'm rooting for UConn just so that I can bet Florida against UConn. Everyone's gonna be like, watch out for UConn and Florida's gonna beat 'em by a hundred... Florida will kill him. Very. Florida's would be, that would be my take on that.

The sun was switched out 40 years ago for a new, worse sun

I found guys... that think that actually this is a different sun that was, that we switched the sun out like 40 years ago and it's the new sun and it's worse for you... I gotta do some more research on the new sun guys.

Chernobyl was an inside job by Russia to discourage nuclear energy and protect their gas interests

I had one the other day that actually I completely believe that Chernobyl was on purpose. Everyone was doing nuclear power plants and Russia has a shitload of oil and gas and so they're like, Hey, let's blow up a nuclear PowerPoint plant and scare the fuck outta everyone about nuclear energy. And everyone stopped doing nuclear energy or inside job.

Bill Belichick's girlfriend being copied on all North Carolina emails is a sign of shadow coaching

Belichick is telling all the North Carolina officials to copy his girlfriend on any emails that they send him... she's apparently very smart philosopher, right? He's asking his bosses to copy her on all the emails... Is she the shadow coach at UNC?

The Audi Q3 is a 'chick car'

I don't care. You're drive. Drive your Audi outta here lady. Get your ass outta here... [Hank drives an Audi] ...She was like a Q3 thinking like she's big time. [Is that a chick car?] Great. On gas. Let's put it that way. Yeah. That's the chick car.

Baker Mayfield is a better quarterback option for the next five years than Jalen Hurts

Would I take Baker Mayfield over [Jalen Hurts] for the next five years? Yeah... I would take Baker. It's close. They're the same. They're all, like I said, they're in the same grouping. But I would take Baker.

LeBron James' best dad move ever was getting Bronny drafted into the NBA

Lebron is a better father than he is basketball player? Yeah, I think, didn't we we determin that on Friday. Yeah. The fact that he got Bronny drafted. Yeah. No basketball player has ever done that before. But I do think he went up to him [Stephen A. Smith] like Stephen A. Smith played the role afterwards.

NC State was right to fire Kevin Keatts because his Final Four run was a fluke

I saw NC State fired their coach off of a Final Four appearance. Everyone was like, how can you do this? Maybe because it was the fluke Final four. No, I mean it was an incredible run. No, nothing to take away from NC State. But if Virginia had fouled up three in the ACC tournament, he would've been fired last year.

Travis Hunter playing both ways is more impressive than Shohei Ohtani pitching and hitting

Travis Hunter at the combine said that him playing offense defense, it's harder than Shohei playing offense defense... Being a professional cornerback and a professional wide receiver at the same time playing in the same game... I think there's a better chance of another Shohei coming around than another Travis Hunter.

Liam Coen leaving the Buccaneers for the Jaguars makes him the biggest 'snake' in football

New Jaguar's head coach Liam Cohen is the biggest snake in football today... My feelings were hurt when you left... I was a card carrying member. I was a conehead.

Pat Riley is a bad guy for taking LeBron James's cookies on the team plane

LeBron stops playing cards when he finds out his cookies were taken... I would rather someone come and pat me on the head like patronizing words to take someone to take another man's cookies. You're basically saying they're a 4-year-old that didn't eat their vegetables... Pat Riley, bad guy. Real bad guy.

Fouling when up three points at the end of a game should be banned

I think we should ban fouling up three. I don't know how they could do it... I like the idea of maybe if you foul up three, they get three shots. There's nothing worse than in a game where a team is up three and it just becomes a foul fest.

I'm officially opting out of all Philadelphia 76ers news for the rest of the season

I don't care. I'm opting out of all Sixers news... I just wanna fast forward to the end of the season.

Joel Embiid should retire from the NBA

He [Joel Embiid] should just retire.

Putting beans in chili is 'woke'

I think I agree with him that beans and chili are woke... it is like Texas chili is just meat... This is like nerfing chili. It's not letting dudes fart. Dudes can't even fart anymore because we're taking the beans out of chili.

Lactose intolerance is a fake condition that everyone actually has

Lactose intolerant... that's fake. It's as fake as fake gets. No, it's fake. Everyone's lactose intolerant. If I eat too much ice cream, my tummy hurts. Am I lactose intolerant? So everyone is.

Auston Matthews has become 'too Canadian' and that is why the US lost the Four Nations tournament

My takeaway from this game is that Austin Matthews has become too Canadian. And that's why we lost the game. Because he's a Maple Leaf and Maple Leafs never win anything. And we saw that.

A 2032 asteroid will likely hit the Earth and specifically ruin a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl run

My fire fest of the week is that there's an asteroid heading towards Earth. It's scheduled to hit the planet potentially in 2032. This tells me this has like Brown Super Bowl run written all over it. And the asteroid shows up.

The NBA internally tried to send Luka Doncic to the Lakers to stop LeBron James from starting a rival league

What if the NBA forced Luka [Doncic] to the Lakers to basically like forced LeBron to stay? Because the Luka thing still doesn't make any sense. ... LeBron is clearly like doing something, like something's going on where he is protesting... and maybe the NBA knew about this internally and they tried to send Luka to LA to somehow stop LeBron from doing what he's trying to do.

Caitlin Clark is paid what she is worth right now because she hasn't won a championship

I think that she's paid what she's worth right now. She gotta win the big one. ... She's never won a college national championship. Never won a WNBA national championship. ... Talk to me when she's got a chip. When she gets that ring.

Aaron Rodgers would still be a Jet if Greg Zuerlein had made more kicks

Aaron Rogers probably still be a jet if Greg Zuerlein was made a couple kicks... Blew six fourth quarter leads. You win those games, you're in the playoffs.

99% of football is technically bullying

Like 99% of football is technically bullying.

The Milwaukee Bucks' championship window is likely already closed

The Giannis thing is is terrific... But I I think the reality is the NBA stories, the way they go, like their, their window's probably already closed.

Paul George is essentially just Tobias Harris with better branding

Paul George is Tobias Harris with better branding. Whoa. Yeah. I mean they're all back tonight... Paul George, Paul George, I know he had a better January, but like off key, he, he needs to be a dude while MB is out through all of this. And instead he's totally comfortable getting his ISO 17 footer up.

There is nothing more satisfying than killing NPCs that you cannot normally kill over the internet

And nothing more satisfying than getting to kill people that we can't normally kill over the internet. Yes. Suck my dick, Poopy Stinks.