Takes

If you put an 'American stink' on an EPL team, they deserve to be relegated

If you get an American stink on your EPL team, you deserve to be relegated. [referencing Bob Bradley's tenure at Swansea City]

Matt Harvey moving to Cincinnati is hilarious because the city lacks New York models

Matt Harvey in Cincinnati is hilarious for a couple reasons... I don't think the models that are walking around New York City are going to be walking around Cincinnati. And if they are, they probably have diarrhea from Skyline.

Brad Stevens is a better coach with less talent than Gregg Popovich has ever been

I saw some people saying that Brad Stevens is doing more with less than Popovich ever has. [Big Cat:] I'd agree... Popovich had Tim Duncan, who's like a top 10 player of all time... People are pretending that [the Celtics] are not talented because they don't have their number one guy, but they still have a ton of talent.

LeBron James intentionally makes his teams worse as a GM so he can stand out more

One thing, we can actually make the argument that LeBron James is at his worst as a GM, but I think that he makes his teams... I think he makes his teams worse on purpose, so that he's the guy that stands out. And it's like, oh, look at these shitty teams.

If LeBron James didn't call 'bank' on his game-winner, it shouldn't count the same

If you don't call bank in a situation like that, I don't think it should count. [Big Cat:] I'd rather be good than lucky... [PFT:] It was a bad shot that happened to go in. Correct. Which doesn't count the same as a good shot.

Ben Simmons should be eligible for Rookie of the Postseason next year because he didn't show up for this one

Do you think Ben Simmons should be eligible for rookie of the postseason next year because he didn't show up for this one?

Brooklyn bourbon is a superior product and better than Kentucky bourbon

Brooklyn bourbon... it's actually been rated as being better than Kentucky bourbon, and it's a superior product. And people from Kentucky are too dumb to realize it.

Matt Murray sucks and his glove hand is a liability

Murray sucks. Murray sucks on ice. His glove hand stinks. And his glove leg sucks too. I think he had a stroke. I think the left side of his body has been paralyzed.

Donovan Mitchell is the Rookie of the Year and it's not even close

Donovan Mitchell is my rookie of the year, and it's not even close. [Ben Simmons] is in his second year playing in the NBA. Second year in the organization.

Astros pitchers have higher spin rates because Houston is closer to the equator

There's a reason why all the NASA sites in the United States are closer to the equator because the Earth spins faster the closer you get to the equator. So it's cheaper to fly a rocket there. So I think the fact that it's in Houston and further south means the ball spins faster.

The first-round series against the Pacers was a negative mark on LeBron James's legacy

Yeah, so this series was a negative mark on LeBron's legacy, even though he averaged like 42 points and basically a triple-double.

Paul George is actually 'Playoff Passive' because he turtles in big moments

Playoff P was such a playoff P that, I mean, I've never seen anyone be more, it's actually playoff passive is what it stands for because he turtles in big moments. And the fact that he gave himself the nickname, playoff P after game one, is one of the most embarrassing things you could ever do.

Russell Westbrook is the most likely NBA player to kill a teammate

Also, you have to deal with Westbrook, who's probably the most likely to kill somebody in the NBA. I could see him murdering a teammate.

Salvador Perez just booked himself a trip to the Hall of Fame by banning swearing

I think Salvador Perez just booked himself a trip to Cooperstown because if you want to get the Baseball Writers of America on your side, just ban swearing after home runs.

Jon Gruden is drafting like he is officially drunk

John Gruden is officially drunk. John Gruden traded the 10th pick for the 15th pick. So he moved back five spots in the draft and only picked up a third and a fifth... and then he picked a guy [Kolton Miller] who everyone said would be like a third or fourth rounder.

The Washington Capitals are better this year because they are actually worse than last year

The Washington Capitals, they are better this year because they're actually worse than they were last year, okay? ... The fact that the Capitals are not as good, they're not as deep... It means that they're winning ugly is what I'm getting at. ... we've tried being by far the best team talent-wise. That hasn't worked. So let's give it a shot being a little bit shittier than them.

Derrius Guice will be a better NFL running back than Saquon Barkley

I have a hot take for you. I think the best running back in the draft is [Derrius] Guice. ... Two years ago, I thought Guice was going to be the better NFL prospect than Leonard Fournette, and Fournette had a great rookie season. I still think Guice is going to be better than him.

Andre Iguodala has regressed mightily and is now a washed-up bum

I also am going to put a little tickler file on Andre Iguodala being a washed-up bum. He passed up maybe the most wide-open three-pointer today, and my alerts went off in my brain, like, this guy's a bum now... Iguodala's actually regressed mightily. I'm like, well, guess what? Big Cat saw him pass up that 1-3. He got the bum tag.

Super Troopers 2 is a better sequel than The Godfather Part II

I'd say it's more beyond Godfather 2. It's like Empire Strikes Back.

The Minnesota Vikings are never going to win a Super Bowl

The Vikings are never going to win a Super Bowl... It's just not the cards, though.

Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead are overrated

I'm just going to say it out loud. Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead, a little overrated.

Giannis Antetokounmpo might be a 'coach killer'

Is Giannis [Antetokounmpo] the coach killer? Did he make Jason Kidd bad? Is he making [Joe] Prunty... look like an asshole?

Kawhi Leonard's defiance toward the Spurs is because he tried marijuana once

This kind of reminds me of... signs to tell that maybe your teen is trying marijuana. They develop a new group of friends. They stop listening to your instructions. They become defiant... I think maybe Kawhi Leonard tried marijuana. And it's been all downhill from there. I think he inhaled marijuana at least once, and now he's becoming an issue.

The Cavaliers are absolutely done after their Game 1 loss

The Cavaliers are done. Done. Absolutely done. They looked like shit today. LeBron James, I think he's over the hill.

LeBron James lost Game 1 on purpose to pad his all-time stats

LeBron actually lost this game on purpose so he can pad his all-time playoff stats.

MLB is making the stitches on baseballs bigger to create better GIFs

This year they're just making the stitches a little bigger, make more movement, better gifs, more social traction... When the pitches are going like four feet across the plate straight up, it's a little suspicious.

John Cena broke off his engagement because of the PMT studio

He came into this studio. He saw what a chick looks like with four nipples. He saw the size and depth of my belly button. And boom, now his future wife's sex with his future wife is not as sweet. We clearly broke him up.

The Warriors will beat the Cavs in the Finals in only three games

I'm going Cavs-Warriors again, and the Warriors win in three games.

The NFL eliminated Color Rush Thursdays as a direct shot at Pardon My Take

I might be a narcissist. I might be an egomaniac. But it's hard for me to think this isn't a direct shot. They had one card in the battle against Pardon My Take, and that was the Color Rush. Besides that, we had all the leverage. And guess what? They came at us hard. Quite literally the darkest day in NFL history.

The fact that Andrew Luck isn't healthy proves that books are officially junk science

He says that he's been reading a lot as part of his rehab. Nerd. So he's been reading a lot of books and nurturing himself with literature. The fact that he hasn't gotten better means that books are officially junk science, right? If that's his treatment course.

Dating a man named Tristan, Tyler, or Travis is asking to get cheated on

This is what happens when you date a guy named Tristan. You're kind of asking for it. Double T. Tristan, Tyler, or Travis, if you date any one of those three, and Tyler can be a boy or a girl, you're asking to get cheated on. Trev and Trav are definitely guys who are just guys being dudes. And what do guys being dudes do? They get horny.

Tiger Woods played in an era with shitty golfers who didn't play defense

I think it's almost time to have the conversation of, like, did Tiger Woods just play in an era with shitty golfers? And now the new generation is way better than Tiger Woods ever was. Like you put Jordan Spieth back in the 2009 Masters... When the course didn't play defense at all. He played in the dead ball era.

The New York media is already getting to Giancarlo Stanton

John Carlos Stanton, done or finished. Follow-up question, is the New York media getting to him? I love that Yankee fans are booing the fuck out of him. I love it. I love it, love it, love it.

I'm off the Tim Tebow train until he learns a third skill

I'm off Tim Tebow until he learns another skill... Learn a third skill. He can hit home runs and he can circumcise babies. So learn a third skill.

Phillies manager Gabe Kapler is incompetent and trying to get fired

I don't think we've ever seen someone become a baseball manager that doesn't know what the fuck he's doing whatsoever... Everyone's got to follow Gabe Kapler because I think this is the first time ever where someone got a job they didn't want and they're trying to get fired.

Gino Auriemma is on the hot seat after UConn's second straight Final Four loss

We need to start asking the question if women's college basketball is bad for UConn because they're 0 for 2 in the last two years. Gino [Auriemma] on the hot seat? I think we should put him there.

I am pressing the panic button on the Chicago Cubs after a 2-2 start

Two and two. I'd say panic button pressed. Okay. Absolutely. All right. Without a doubt, the panic button has been pressed.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is the future of American soccer at age 34

Zlatan is going to save soccer in America. He is. He's the future of American soccer. He's 34. And he's the future.

Kevin Durant can beat LeBron James one-on-one

I'd say [Durant] is the best player in the NBA right now. At his peak, I think he can beat LeBron. Yeah, I just said it. One-on-one.

Since pickles are green, a Dilly Dog is basically a salad

No, I like it [Dilly Dog]. You can put anything in a pickle. And guess what? Since pickles are green, it's basically a salad. If you wrap anything in green, boom. Healthy.

A child's athleticism depends on how 'athletic' the sex was at conception

I think it has more to do with how athletic the sex was when you actually were conceived. So if you're in a weird position, if you got like a leg up on a table, you're both sweating a lot, then you're going to have a really, really fast baby.

Aaron Boone is the best manager in the history of baseball

Aaron Boone, best manager in the history of baseball.

MLB doesn't need a catcher for the first two strikes if no one is on base

Why for like the first two strikes of a batter, if there's nobody on base, do you really need a catcher back there? ... It would fuck the batter up, and it would also throw off the timing because the pitcher would just throw the ball, and then he'd have to walk and go get the ball that he just threw.

Leonard Hamilton didn't foul at the end of the Florida State game to help boosters cover the spread

I still maintain, and I've long time maintained this, that the coaches coach for spreads for boosters... what are the chances if you foul him, are you not going to cover the four and a half? Very high. Right. So you've got to make a business decision, a little Cam Newton business decision, say, no foul.

John Calipari is officially on the hot seat

And Coach Cal's on the hot seat. He's definitely on the hot seat.

Millennials drink craft beer that sucks just because they think it's cool

Millennials are very relevancy-driven. Millennials will drink a craft beer that sucks because it's cool. ... Millennials don't react to logical things. They react to what is cool.

Deion Sanders only considers players great if they call him for advice

If you're a young player in the league and you call him for advice once a week, then you're a good player. If he mentors you, then you're one of the best players in the league. ... If you play in a boring place like Tennessee, then he just doesn't know who you are.

The Cleveland Browns should draft Saquon Barkley #1 overall so they don't have to choose their own quarterback

If I'm the Browns, I would definitely take Saquon Barkley number one overall, because that way they make the decision for you as to what quarterback you're going to take... They take [Sam] Darnold. It's like, well, I got to take [Josh] Rosen. I got to take [Baker] Mayfield.

If Rory McIlroy bans beer for fans, PGA golfers should be required to drink while playing

Yes Rory, we can ban beer from PGA events, but the golfers then have to drink... they have to drink one beer per three holes. I think that's fair.

Basketball isn't really a sport.

Is it [basketball] a sport? You don't even have to watch until the fourth quarter.