Takes

The Redskins have a zero percent chance of beating the Giants next week

Zero percent chance. Zero percent chance... even when the Giants are awful they lose by 30 in the middle and they they they they could be Giants next week zero percent chance.

Jay Gruden will be the first NFL coach fired this season

Jay Gruden. Yeah, he's gone. He's gone, maybe midseason. Who knows?... Jay Gruden is by far the most likely [to be first fired].

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Falcons win the Super Bowl this year.

The Atlanta Falcons are done. The Atlanta Falcons are finished. If the Atlanta Falcons win the Super Bowl this year, I will cut off the tip of my pinky from the nail up.

The Minnesota Vikings are officially in the Done Chain.

My Done Chain, by the way, is the Vikings... I'm done hanging off of two and one because I got balls. That's why. Because Kirk Cousins, I'm that confident. This was the ultimate Kirk Cousins game.

Derek Carr will be benched or injured before the Raiders return from their 48-day road trip.

Will Derek Carr be the starting quarterback when the Oakland Raiders play their next game in Oakland?... I'm going to say it. Derek Carr will not be the starting quarterback for the Oakland Raiders when they play the next game in Oakland.

Mike Gundy will leave Oklahoma State to coach the Carolina Panthers in the NFL.

I want to put this out there in the tickler file for you... Mike Gundy taking an NFL job next year... Mike Gundy is going to Houston... or the Vikings or the Panthers. I think Gundy's wanted to go to the NFL for a while.

The Buffalo Bills will win 10 games this season.

I'm going to say it. Bills are winning ten games.

Jim Harbaugh has lost the 'juice' and will return to the NFL in the next couple of years.

I think Jim Harbaugh is going to go to the NFL in the next couple of years... His teams just don't look like Jim Harbaugh teams anymore. He's lost the juice that was like his defining quality... He feels like he's cheating on himself running this type of offense.

Joe Maddon will not return as the manager of the Chicago Cubs.

Joe Maddon out as Cubs manager... Joe Maddon will not return as manager of the Cubs. What's your Source? My brain.

Ryan Tannehill will take a step forward and become a real quarterback this year

I think the Titans still are a decent team, but I actually, in a crazy world, I think Ryan Tannehill is ready to start and take a step forward. This is the year Ryan Tannehill finally takes a step forward and becomes a real quarterback.

Gardner Minshew is the permanent starter for the Jaguars even when Nick Foles returns

I don't think that you can put Nick Foles in when you have Gardner [Minshew] out here looking like Leonard Skinner's pilot, just crushing shit, just dominating... You can't take that guy out of the game. He's going to be your starter.

The Chiefs will cover -6.5 against the Ravens

I will go with... The Chiefs, minus six and a half, because are we sure the Ravens are as good as they think? I don't think that we are sure. They beat the Dolphins, who stink, and they barely beat the Cardinals on the road.

The Packers and Broncos will hit the under 43

I'm taking the Packers and Broncos under 43. The Broncos last 10 games, 10 unders. And the Packers defense is good. I think that's going to be the easiest under of the week.

The Panthers will be much better than their 0-2 record if Cam Newton gets healthy

If Cam gets better, I definitely think the Panthers are much better than what the record indicates. But if Cam still is a problem, I mean, I've actually liked some things that I've seen out of Cincinnati. But I don't see a lot of upside there.

The Patriots defense is good enough to carry their offense this season

I said this could be the season that the Patriots defense actually could carry their offense a little bit because I think this Patriots defense is damn good. Really good, really underrated.

Downfield laterals will be the next big innovation in the NFL

In the future, more teams will look to do downfield laterals of the football because it's very difficult for the defense. It puts a lot of stress on them... If you design something off of that where you did have some semblance of success, that would be big.

Eli Manning will play again this season after Daniel Jones gets hurt

He's going to play again this year. Daniel Jones is going to get hurt, and Eli Manning is going to come in and win the Giants a meaningless game.

Jalen Ramsey will definitely play in Thursday night's game against the Titans

He will play in Thursday night's game. I'm going to put a guarantee. If he gets traded? Yeah. Because he'll get traded to the Titans.

Mike Leach will get involved in the political meme wars of 2020

He's [Mike Leach] just getting into the meme game. He's just getting into it and watch out world. He's going to as soon as he catches up... he definitely will be in the political meme wars of 2020.

Space Jam 2 is going to suck

He's [LeBron] doing Space Jam 2, man. It's going to suck. Yeah, for sure. He'll ruin it.

I'm considering putting the 'Dunn' chain on the Carolina Panthers

I'm considering putting the Dunn chain on the Panthers. They don't have anywhere to go without Cam Newton.

The Dolphins will break the record for the biggest point spread in NFL history this season

The Dolphins are going to break, I think they are going to break a record this year for biggest point spread. They have to, right? ... next week they're playing the Cowboys at Dallas. It's probably going to be 18 again.

Lamar Jackson is the real deal and will be in the MVP conversation by Week 5

Lamar Jackson, get ready because week five we're going to get and it will be deserved if he keeps playing the way he is—we'll get the Lamar Jackson for MVP talk because he had almost 400 yards rushing and passing today. ... Lamar Jackson's the real deal.

Drew Brees will miss half of the 2019 season with his thumb injury

Drew Brees is hurt. And he's hurt bad. And he's going to be out for a while. I think he's going to miss half—half the season. Eight weeks.

The Patriots will finish the season 18-1 with a Super Bowl victory

My official prediction was one random loss, like one fluke loss in the regular season. ... They could lose a regular season game and then go 18-1 [and win the Super Bowl].

Urban Meyer will definitely coach football again

My who's back is Urban Meyer because Urban Meyer said he misses football. Oh, you think? That actually could just be that because he's definitely going to coach. So shout out all the people who said that he actually was retiring for real this time. You're an idiot.

I am betting the Jets +6.5 against the Browns on Monday Night Football

I'm going to take the Jets on Monday night. Are you really? Yeah. Dude, this is a classic situation where everyone freaks out and everyone's like, oh, Sam Darnold's out. The Jets stink now. And it's six and a half points. And Trevor Simmons, he might not win the game, but he'll be good enough to keep him around.

If the Bears lose to the Broncos and Joe Flacco, I will have a full-blown meltdown

I have been threatening all week that I will melt down if the Bears lose to the shitty Broncos and the even shittier Joe Flacco. If the Bears lose on Sunday. It's a meltdown. I'm promising a meltdown. I will stomp my feet. I will say mean things to people around me that I will later on regret... I might even cry a little. I'm going to yell at people. I'm going to tweet at people really mad. The Bears cannot lose this game.

The Patriots will cover -18.5 against the Dolphins

I know it's a crazy line. It's outrageous, but it's one of those things where there's going to be no better thrill than rooting for the Patriots to cover 18 and a half. I can unbiasedly tell you that the Patriots are going to cover 18 and a half.

The Bills will beat the Giants and cover -1.5

My favorite. I'm going to go with the Bills. Minus one and a half on the road. I like the Bills. I hate the Giants. I hate Pat Shurmur. I hate Eli Manning's stupid face in this game.

The Bengals will beat the 49ers and cover -2

I like the Bengals, minus two. I think the 49ers, a little bit of a fraudulent win week one. Their defense played well, but Jimmy Garoppolo did not... I think the Bengals, you saw it. They actually run a 2019 offense now... I think the Bengals are going to cover at home. Minus two.

Gardner Minshew is going to be a pretty good player in the NFL

I think he's going to be a pretty good player. And I saw the story that said that he used to do band workouts in the locker room naked... Yeah, he would, well, not really band workouts. Uh, there's a combination of dancing and running in place... He's like one of the most passionate players I've ever coached.

The Las Vegas Raiders stadium will be filled with bachelor parties instead of real fans

I don't think the fans aren't going to travel from Oakland to Las Vegas. I don't think they will. I think the stadium's going to be filled with a bunch of bachelor parties and bachelorette parties all dressed up in costumes.

Vaping is about to see a spike in use because it has become 'rebellious' again

My cool throw is vaping because there's been a real spike... in vaping deaths. So now vaping has kind of turned the corner. It's like it's a bad boy thing... well now vaping has entered that realm because it's killing people... I think it's going to see a spike in use.

Alabama could beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady and Bill Belichick

Hank, could Alabama beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady as a quarterback? Tom Brady as a quarterback, Belichick as the other coach... [Hank]: Yes. With that type of strategy, like give him two weeks to prepare... Yeah.

I will return to the NFL around week 14

I'm actually going to come back this exact... yeah probably like week 14 or something. Al Preza said week 14, week 13... so you know I'm just going to agree with you. You're the Prez so week 14 or something. Week 14 works.

Gardner Minshew is going to be a good quarterback

He wasn't elevating anybody else. He was just getting the ball out on time and things like that. I thought maybe he could do that in Jacksonville, rely on the defense... so I think Gardner's going to be okay. I like Gardner. I like his accuracy.

The Dolphins will win seven games this season

Next week, Patriots at Dolphins... Dolphins always manage to win a game against the Patriots. Always happens... Chargers are going east... Redskins at Dolphins, I'm going to take the Dolphins on that one too... Two wins against the Bills. Two wins against the Jets for the revenge games... Seven wins for my Dolphins.

Zach Taylor will coach the Bengals for six years and never make the playoffs

Here's my overreaction is that Zach Taylor is going to be the Bengals coach for the next six years and never make the playoffs. I feel like he's going to go 8-8.

Antonio Brown and Josh Gordon will both play every game for the Patriots this season

Antonio Brown, Josh Gordon, do both of them play 16 games? [Big Cat] Antonio Brown obviously didn't play tonight, so 15 in his case. [Hank] Yes.

The Patriots will finish the season 18-1

18-1 is my official preseason prediction... I think they're going to lose a random regular season game, and that'll be it... They're not going to lose in the playoffs.

NFL teams will start challenging offensive pass interference just to get a free timeout

This is going to suck in the NFL this season because they have the new rule where you can challenge and offensive pass interference. ... Teams will start doing that where they will if a team is starting to roll down the field and like the second half and there's just even some kind of contact. They will throw the flag to basically get a free time out on defense. I can't stop all momentum.

Antonio Brown will never play a single game for the Raiders

Here's my take: [Antonio Brown] is not going to ever play a game as a Raider. I think they're either going to cut him. They're probably not going to be able to trade him anywhere.

The Lions' defense will 'fuck up' the Cardinals in Week 1

I think the Detroit Lions are Going to be a little bit better than people expect. I think their defense is going to be very good and I think their defense will fuck up the Cardinals week one. Kyler Murray not-ready-for-prime-time Detroit - two and a half.

The Dolphins will beat the Ravens in Week 1 because of 'Fitzmagic'

My dog is the Dolphins plus 6.5 against the Ravens at home. My seven-win Dolphins. Ryan Fitzmagic. It's early in the season. ... All I'm going off of is last year Ryan Fitzpatrick played well when he first got in.

The LSU offense is going to 'explode' this season

We always spread offense man. I'm excited about it with the talent we have the quarterback we have. I'm looking forward to this offense is really exploding the season.

The Cowboys can win a championship this season

I feel like they can win a championship this year man. I feel like they can do it, but it's all about how they start off right now with they got a lot of NFC East games coming up early.

Antonio Brown is all the way back and going to be unstoppable

Antonio Brown at the Hard Knocks bump. Yes. He looks like he's all the way back and it's going to be unstoppable.

Ezekiel Elliott is definitely going to play on Sunday

I am I feel like is this crazy to say but anytime a guy [Zeke] like he's gonna play on Sunday. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you will.

The Jaguars (+3.5) will beat the Chiefs in Week 1

Every jackass out there is going to be better on the Chiefs. Not me. I'm going to take the Jags and win because I'm smart.