Takes

Mike Tyson would easily beat LeBron James in a boxing match

If it's in his prime, that's the dumbest argument of all time. Mike Tyson would fucking crush LeBron James. I don't care how tall LeBron is. Hand speed, everything. LeBron can't get hit. He would flop out of the ring.

I am not an NFL caliber kicker unless I make a team

I'm definitely not an NFL caliber guy. I know that... I am not an NFL caliber kicker unless I make an NFL team, at which point I am an NFL caliber kicker. There is zero part of my brain that thinks that I'm a professional caliber kicker... half a percent.

Calcio Storico makes all other sports look lame

I went into this being like 'this might make rugby look bad' and then I went out of it being like it makes every sport look bad because every sport is just lame compared to this. It's just Fight Club with a scoring element. It really does make all other sports just like... hockey guys are going to watch this and be like, 'whoops, we thought we were the tough sport.'

Paying Patrick Mahomes this much money will inevitably hurt the Chiefs' roster depth

The ultimate question now is will paying Patrick Mahomes this much hurt the team? And of course it will because he's going to be paid a lot of money. And is it going to be worth it in the long run when you have to figure out a way to Cobble together a team by paying Patrick Mahomes as well.

Playing in empty stadiums will minimize the value of home field advantage

I think it's going to minimize the value of home field. Generally you get a lot of adrenaline and momentum when you're coming back in a game or when you're in a big situation and your home crowd is going crazy. So it's going to kind of level that out.

Joey Chestnut is the greatest athlete of all time

Joey Chestnut is the greatest athlete of all time. That's it. It's over. If you look at the career that he's put together and how he keeps beating himself. He doesn't have a guy that he's going up head-to-head against he's only competing against his past self and he continues to dominate himself from a year ago.

Joey Chestnut is better than Tiger Woods because he competes against everyone who has ever eaten a hot dog

He is better than Tiger Woods better. I would say better because Tiger Woods only competes against what 200 other people in a golf major right? Joey Chestnut is literally competing against anybody that's ever eating a hot dog.

Dan Wolken had the worst take of the year for laughing at LSU's hire of Ed Orgeron

Dan Wolken... tweeted in 2017: yesterday a college football coaches agent called me. He said LSU hired Ed Orgeron. We laughed for a few minutes. So good job, Dan that turned out to be the worst take ever. Who's laughing now bitch? Haha.

Tom Brady's move to Tampa Bay is the only reason Rob Gronkowski returned from retirement

I think that the workload the Patriots wanted [Gronk] to do was higher than something at Tampa is going to have him do... if Tom Brady had stuck around in New England Rob Gronkowski probably still be retired.

Taking deferred money like Bobby Bonilla is a better deal than a lump sum payment.

Bobby Bonilla has an awesome contract... the more MLB TV rights deals start to come in, the more you're seeing players push off and say, 'yeah, I'll take some deferred money coming down the line.' It's a good deal. It's like when that scratch-off 'Millions for Life' or whatever it is... I would absolutely take a deal like that instead of giving me all the money straight up.

I would rather take $1 million a year for 25 years than $20 million upfront because I would spend the lump sum on jet skis.

If you were to say like, PFT, I'm going to give you either twenty million dollars on your 25th birthday or I'm going to give you a million dollars a year until you're 50, I'm absolutely taking the million until 50. Because if I'm 25, I'm just going to spend it like Billy Football would—just a shitload of jet skis, essentially just my own jet ski farm.

The primary issue for NBA players in the Orlando bubble will be the lack of sex and groupies.

What's going to end up happening in my mind is... the big news today in the NBA as we finally have the elephant that's been in the room the whole time. Stephen A. Smith addresses it head-on and says it's going to be an issue with how horny everyone's getting trying to get out of the bubble to hook up... I was saying the real problem is we don't know the groupie situation.

Tom Brady would never admit to having coronavirus because he drinks so much water it wouldn't affect him.

I'm putting all my money on Tom Brady because even if he gets it, he's not going to admit that he has it. And if he gets it, he's going to just—he drinks so much water that it's just not going to affect him. He wouldn't admit that he had it... and he'd be like, 'I'm fine, I'm totally fine... I drank six gallons of water today... there's no chance I have it.'

Larry David navigating the COVID-19 pandemic in Curb Your Enthusiasm will be amazing television.

Curb Your Enthusiasm got greenlit for an 11th season... I think Larry David—Corona is going to be amazing. The corona Larry David, like there's no better wheelhouse for that guy.

Retired sports legends should never take GM or front office jobs because they risk ruining their legacy.

If the Broncos are never good again under his [Elway's] watch, does he lose—that's why he never should take that type of job. I know he won one in the front office, but you could basically ruin it. You got to just kind of ride off into the sunset and be the legend and never take any risks with the organization again.

Ranking Lisa Ann at #94 on an all-time porn star list is disrespectful to her legacy as a game-changer.

Shyla Stylez at 354 and Lisa Ann at 94 is absolutely atrocious... Lisa Ann at 94, like the committee got that one wrong. That's awful. Even if you missed her heyday, you got to know that she meant something to the game, right? She changed the game, a hundred percent. I thought that was a little bit disrespectful.

The NBA blatantly rigged the schedule so that Zion Williamson makes the playoffs

The schedule is awesome because we are going to have day games... except for the fact that they rigged it so that Zion gets into the playoffs and that's awesome. Yeah. Absolutely. We're a hundred percent behind that... They basically play the bottom teams.

Bill Belichick has always wanted a mobile quarterback to experiment with new offensive schemes

Belichick's always talking about how he wants a mobile quarterback... belch I was like, I want to get rid of you [Brady] and get a cool new toy that can run around. So like the football like porn that's going to come out of this like the X's and O's and blocking schemes... Bellatrix brain with like a mobile quarterback.

I am very concerned about the physical toll on relievers during a 60-game season

What I'm most concerned about is through the bullpen. Because the frequency of use, the demands on them... the starting pitcher has to come out earlier... they are the backstop they are the in line for whatever irregularities occur in a game and it is those men that I have the greatest concern about.

The 2020 Stanley Cup will have an asterisk and should be called the 'Corona Cup'

I've called it it's going to be the corona Cup this year. So they're actually only going to take off the top bowl of the Stanley Cup and handed to the winners. So forever a little bit of an asterisk people have argued with me over that but still I just think it's different it's odd.

The fire drill is the best 'The Office' cold open

Number one is I think the fire that Dwight starts... the fire wall on them that was after a Super Bowl too if I remember correctly.

If the Browns win the Super Bowl with no fans, it has an asterisk

If there's no fans in the stadium for the entire NFL season and the Browns win the Super bowl, of course as a Browns fan you're going to take it no matter what but still, you know, people will be like well, then let's play in front of any road games.

An NFL season without fans heavily favors the Chargers

any favorite favor of the Chargers big time because all their home games will be less of road games than they were before.

Ted Ginn drops open passes because he is too fast for his own good

Ted Ginn actually is a victim of his own success like the reason why he drops open passes. He's so fast. He gets open true and begin a little slower dude, because he's just been around for forever.

A great prank should cram absurdity into reality without being mean

a prank is about cramming absurdity into reality and distorting the truth until you like short circuit somebody's brain you want you want somebody to be pinwheeling. You don't want them like you're not I'm not trying to ruin somebody's Day Ever.

Tom Brady is on the hot seat for leading workouts during the COVID-19 spike

Tom Brady is on the hot seat... despite the NFLPA advising that players should not work out together, Tom Brady led another Bucks workout this morning. Wow, in a state where coronavirus cases are spiking. He had nine players working out together.

The Popeyes chicken sandwich is better than Chick-fil-A

I think the Popeye's is better. Yes, it's a little bit bigger, it's a little crunchier. Popeyes is better but Popeyes also will set you back a little.

I currently consider myself the best quarterback in the NFC South

I think currently I'll go with myself [as the best quarterback in the NFC South].

Boxing at the professional level is the most difficult sport in terms of coordination and stamina

Boxing on top. Yeah. Agreed. Because you could suck at all these sports pretty easily true. But some sports are more difficult to suck at... Boxing at the highest level, I think is the hardest difficulty in terms of everything that's involved: hand-eye coordination, fast-twitch muscles, stamina.

Hitting a baseball is the hardest single thing to do in all of sports

Hitting a round ball going a hundred miles an hour feels like it's harder than hitting a tennis ball with the racket. You always hear... the hardest thing to do in sports is to hit a baseball. I've heard it enough that I believe it.

Jamal Adams is the new Antonio Brown of contract disputes

Dak Prescott and Jamal Adams to figure out whose contract is going to be... we talk a little bit about Jamal on Friday show he is the new Antonio Brown. We all just think that Jamal Adams is now... he has us all convinced that he's a free agent, right? He's still got two years that they can control his contract.

Joe Rogan is officially uncancellable

Twitter decided to go like they went full send and I'm going to tip my cap to The cancel Brigade because they went for the final boss Joe Rogan and failed... he is uncancelled because he would actually let's say that Twitter was able to get his contract with Spotify canceled, right? He would just take that ride that wave of publicity. Go back to what he was doing before and still make a shitload of money.

Lacrosse is legitimate tribal warfare

Lacrosse is sick, like everyone is looking at Lacrosse wrong, like Lacrosse is just like legitimately trying Tribal Warfare in the mud... Tribal Warfare is back in form of Lacrosse.

The NFL shield logo hat is the dopest hat ever

There's no Team hat is their Championship hat nothing. Other than that NFL hat which by the way, I thought this is the dopest hat I've ever seen because I'd never really seen one other than on a ref.

Barry Bonds is the greatest baseball player of all time, regardless of steroids

Barry Bonds is the best baseball player of all time. I have no problems on fine without I don't care if you want to throw in steroids, whatever you want to say that you can't erase that you can't take that away that he was... the best baseball player of all time 100%.

Jose Altuve was clearly acting shady during his 2019 walk-off celebration

I remember watching it... and Going something's and this is before any of the there was even a whiff of the cheating scandal and I thought something was really bizarre about his behavior after that walk off... Greatest moment of his career and he tells he doesn't want to take his shirt off because his wife is shy.

We need to end the stigma around men dyeing their hair

I want to get out there and let people know it's okay to dye your hair as long as you're honest about it. I have gray I get the grades around the temple... Let's end the stigma. I dye my hair and I'm not ashamed of it.

Every man should try to be the best version of himself, including skincare and manicures

I believe that every guy should try to be the best version of themselves. Not just with how they look but with everything manicure and pedicure... you know I started a men's skincare line because their egos... guys need to take care of the skin.

Monday Night Football has lost its sense of occasion and gone to the dogs

For whatever reason they've let Monday Night Football go to the dogs and it's been that way for a while... Five six seven seasons, they don't have the cameras. They don't have coverage... There's no sense of occasion. They're literally telling you this is Monday and this is football, but you feel like you're watching a game that could be on any day anywhere.

Shitty sports columnists like Phil Mushnick make sports more fun

We need shitty columnists. Shitty columnists make Sports more fun while they're trying to make it less fun. Right, exactly.

George W. Bush should have been the Commissioner of Baseball

There was a writer who suggested that they bring George W. Bush back to be the commissioner of baseball, which I think should have been his job from the get-go. He should have never gotten the ball. He should have just he would have dominated being a commissioner of baseball. There have been no fucking tie in an All-Star Game, there have been no lockout if George W. Bush was commish.

Every real meal must include meat

I just think you need to have meat if you're eating a meal. There has to be meat. I'm trying to think of what meal I would eat without meat... mac and cheese I think is better without meat, but every single meal is better with meat.

Cheese pizza and mac and cheese are essentially the exact same thing

I just realized it cheese pizza and mac and cheese are essentially the exact same thing. Correct? So is yeah given to you differently cooked harder.

Ages 21 through 26 are the 'prime stains' years for a man's clothing

I would expect that at 23 years old, you would have some just random stains on you... I'd say if you're 23, I would expect that to. It's like 21 through 26 is that's Prime stains.

Coaches leaving Michigan to coach at Ohio State is an act of betrayal

You got coaches from that locker room leaving there and going to coach at Ohio State. I know back in the day that it would never fucking happen. It's like betrayal... every man has a rivalry and there's so much that went into that.

A gorilla would beat a grizzly bear in a fight if it could make a weapon

I would agree with [the grizzly bear] unless the gorilla is in an environment where he can learn to make weapons... I'm gonna leave the guns next to him right before the fight... One in the Chamber... guess who's closer to human? Gorilla.

Opening a bar with your best friend is the quickest way to end the friendship

Most stories that take a turn start with the sentence 'and then we opened a bar together.' It's like, and then we opened a bar together and everything in our life like as friends as brothers went downhill. If you want to hate your best friend, open a bar with him.

MLB owners should take a financial loss this season to save the sport's long-term future

The owners will be making money forever. If they had any kind of foresight, the idea here would be take a loss this season but save the baseball season and dominate the ratings. This is the Long play: lose some money this year, but keep baseball going... instead they're taking the short-term approach, the dumb approach.

Chuba Hubbard's threat to sit out marks a major power shift in college football

When chubba came out and said that I'm not going to play and he's one of the best players in the country. When he came out and he said I'm not going to play unless some changes happen that to me was a major major shift in power in college football. Because people Because he said that his team was lined up behind him.

Tom Brady in a Buccaneers jersey makes him look like a Sith Lord villain

Me personally I think that him in the Buccaneers Jersey makes him look like a total villain because it's just the color schemes like big like Sith Lord Vibes... he went from blue and red which is like you know like I feel like Synergy good Jedi and then it's like Sith Lord but that's just me.