Takes

Adrian Peterson's NFL career is basically over

I think Adrian Peterson's career is... it's pretty much a career for him... he hitting his kid with a switch... he doesn't catch the ball that often. He doesn't run the ball out of shotgun. This isn't the NFL for him.

John Calipari will stay at Kentucky until he retires, then go into broadcasting or politics

I actually think he'll retire here and then he'll go into broadcasting. Or he talks about privately running for Senate. And I know that seems crazy, but I could totally see him in four years running against Mitch McConnell.

John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins will eventually play together in the NBA

I actually think there's a decent – I think [John Wall] and [DeMarcus Cousins] will play together before they're done. They've been saying that for years.

Kentucky football will go 8-4 in 2017

I think they're going 8-4. You know, they beat Louisville this year, went to a bowl for the first time.

Hidden Figures is my lock for Best Picture at the Oscars

Hidden figures... That's what my money's on. Very professionally produced.

Baker Mayfield will get NFL starts solely because he has an all-time great name

I'm going to put a little flyer on Baker Mayfield. You guys know I'm a big name guy. All-time name. That name is going to get him some starts in the NFL. People are going to take some shots with Baker Mayfield solely because of his name.

Gonzaga will burn out in the NCAA tournament like they always do

Gonzaga's going to be fun to watch when they burn out in the tournament. I know that every other Gonzaga team just made their bones by beating up little high school teams in front of 2,000 people... this Gonzaga team is [supposedly] different [but they will burn out].

Gonzaga will not lose another game before the NCAA tournament

No, they're not going to lose. They're not going to lose again. People are waiting to shit on Gonzaga so hard. Right. You know what? This is Gonzaga's year.

Duke will lose in the second round of the NCAA tournament because they shoot too many threes

Duke... they're going to lose in the second round because they're going to shoot a million threes and miss. That's exactly what I said.

Moonlight is the favorite to win Best Picture because Hollywood loves movies about poor people

Moonlight's my favorite to win, and here is why... Hollywood loves movies about poor people. They just love it because it makes [them feel] like, oh, wow, look at these people struggling. We can really relate to that, all of us in our Hollywood bubble. Let's wear tuxedos and talk about poor people.

The Warriors vs. Pelicans first-round series will be lame because Draymond Green will just punch Boogie Cousins in the dick

So what you're going end up seeing here is the Warriors taking on the Pelicans in the first round... I'm here to tell you that it's not [going to be awesome]. It's going to be lame. Draymond Green, all he does is punch people in the dick, and getting punched in the dick is real weakness in [Boogie Cousins'] game.

John Calipari will leave Kentucky for the Pelicans to escape looming NCAA sanctions

He needs to get out of town, needs to go to the NBA... The NCAA sanctions are about to hit Kentucky. That's a fact. I'm just calling that right now. So he needs to get out of town, needs to go to the NBA... Be a perfect fit for the Pelicans. You've got two of his best players from college that are playing there.

Clay Travis will definitely use WNBA sexuality statistics to argue straight people are being persecuted

I'm guaranteeing that Clay Travis—I'm going to call my shot here. Clay Travis is going to use these statistics for a future column talking about how straight people are persecuted. Because, hey, did you hear? 98% of the WNBA is gay.

Tiger Woods will never win another major

Tiger's never coming back... I would love to see him win a major, but I don't think it's going to happen.

Super Bowl 51 will be the highest-scoring Super Bowl in history

I think the team with the ball last wins. That's what it's going to be. Highest scoring Super Bowl in history. Mark it down. Breaking news.

Tony Romo will be the quarterback for the Houston Texans next season

I'm going to say right now I think [Tony Romo] is going to the Texans.

Tony Romo will join the Denver Broncos

I'm going to go with the Broncos.

Tony Romo will sign with the Los Angeles Rams

I think he's going to the Los Angeles Rams. Sleeper.

Jamarcus Russell is due for a fake training video 'comeback' soon

I'm going to do a little prediction. I feel like we're due for a Jamarcus Russell comeback soon, too. Jamarcus Russell comebacks are just him making a YouTube video of doing crunches on one of those balls in the gym. Jamarcus Russell actually, he's jumping into the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of the winter and then he comes out and his skin's all tight because it's cold water. He's like, comeback, comeback season.

The Washington Capitals will finally win the Stanley Cup this year

The Washington Capitals, it's their year. I think this is the year they finally win the Stanley Cup. They certainly have all the pieces. They have all the pieces.

The Maple Leafs and Islanders will take the final two playoff spots in the East

I like the Leafs and the Islanders out of that [group]. The Leafs are really exciting. I think they'll get in. They got a great coach... and then the Islanders have just kind of turned things around with Doug Weight as their coach.

The Chicago Blackhawks will win the Western Conference this year

No, I actually think [the Blackhawks] are going to win the West. I love their team this year. I think that they're really deep. Kane and Toews will be there when it matters. I love their team. They've got a lot of young guys that are playing really well.

The Chicago Blackhawks will win at least one Stanley Cup in the next three years

I love their team. They'll be right there. I wouldn't be worried at all. They're right in the midst of that window to win a couple more. I think they at least get one in the next three years.

Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor are stuck in Zeno's Paradox and will never actually fight

If I shot an arrow at you, it would never actually hit you because in order for the arrow to get to you, it would have to travel half the distance to you, and then it would have to travel half that distance... That's what's happening with McGregor and Mayweather. They're just getting closer and closer and closer and closer until they just get old and die.

Short, tighter shorts are making a major comeback in college basketball

The bagginess has gotten way too far. It's getting in the way of the dribbles. These guys like to go between their legs a lot, you know, with these new players out there. So they're bringing back short, tighter shorts. A couple guys in Indiana are doing it. I've seen it across the Big East, too, I think. So we're going to see a major swing here. Get out in front of this. If you're a college basketball player, tighten those things up.

Tom Crean will be hired by another team specifically because he has a 'contentable' face

Tom Crean, he will get fired by Indiana sooner rather than later. But someone will hire him simply because of his face. He's got a brand. Crean has a contentable face. He has an exceptionally stupid-looking face. And that in itself, that's a brand that people will be like, oh, wow, where is Tom Crean coaching? He can go coach the Missouri Valley, and people will now be watching Missouri Valley games because of his name and his face.

Vin Scully will die once baseball season starts or sometime in the middle of summer

He's going to die once baseball season starts. Well, he's going to—he has to do at least like one Vin Scully's back in the booth moment where it's like, oh, we have a special guest. Probably opening night. Then he's going to die.

Joel Embiid will stop being funny on Twitter when he starts playing poorly or getting hurt more

I predicted like a month ago how Joel would not be so funny on Twitter when he starts fucking up. So this is the first one. He's injured like every other day. He's got a lot of time to go back and forth. Take away his umlaut over the Joel. You're just Joel now.

Duke will make a deep tournament run and possibly win the national title

This is a classic. Duke is going to make a run and then maybe win the national title. I'm going to hate everything.

Grayson Allen will be a first-round NBA draft pick

Were we saying before that Grayson Allen's going to be a top 10 pick? Top first round pick? No. He's going to be first round pick. Maybe very, very late.

Tom Brady will win one more Super Bowl to finish with six

I think that Brady's going to win one more Super Bowl. I think we'll get two. I think he'll win six.

Tom Brady will win two more Super Bowls to finish with seven

I think he'll get two [more]. I think he'll win six—actually, I think he'll win seven.

The Bears are going to be good next year because John Fox has been preparing since Week 3

John Fox has actually been able to prepare since week three. Yeah. So the Bears are going to be looking good.

Chip Kelly will try to steal someone's job as a behind-the-scenes villain at Alabama

If there's somebody who's able to undermine and sneak around and steal somebody's job, it's definitely Chip. Chip is a behind-the-scenes Shakespearean villain. He's going to be doing everything that he can to make sure he gets that job.

The Washington Capitals are too good to never win a Stanley Cup

They're too good to never win one. But, I mean, they were the Presidents' Cup trophy winners last year... They have the most points in the league.

Sports gambling will be legal everywhere in the next 10 years

When do you think it's going to be legalized? ... I don't know, 10 years? I mean, how many states right now can you buy weed legally? ... It's going to be legal in some period of time. I don't know what the time frame is.

The Celtics will win the title because Tom Brady texted Isaiah Thomas

He [Brady] went out of his way to text Isaiah Thomas... and say, it's your turn. ... I think when someone like Tom Brady can reach it out to you, that can really [lead to a title].

Super Bowl security will be significantly upgraded next year after how easily we snuck in

My prediction is that next year there's going to be a major upgrade in security. Because we were able to get around way too, way too easily. ... We had the Captain Crunch barcode.

Marquette King is quitting the NFL to join Barstool Sports

Marquette King actually did a little bit of flirting with joining Barstool earlier today... he put up the peace sign on Twitter, meaning he was quitting to join Barstool Sports. Heard it here first.

Grape Gatorade is the best value bet for the Super Bowl Gatorade bath

What color will the Gatorade be? I love this bet. When they pour it on the coach. Grape. Go grape. It's always tremendous value. It's a big underdog. ...

The National Anthem for Super Bowl LI will be under two minutes and fifteen seconds

I got the under 2:15 [on the National Anthem]. I did a little research... Lady Antebellum did it [two years ago] and it was only two minutes.

Tom Brady will complain his way into a roughing the passer penalty in the Super Bowl

Will there be a roughing the passer penalty? Yes is plus 120. Oh, I like that. Tom Brady will cry his way to one at least. Yeah, if you breathe on him...

Tom Brady will play until he is 45 or 46 years old

How many more years do you think Tom Brady plays? Three. His dad, Tom Sr. and Tom, I think it's 45, 46, realistically. I don't know how long that body...

Super Bowl LI Prediction: Patriots 33, Falcons 24

Give us a Super Bowl prediction. 33-24 pass. Sorry, Atlanta.

Tennessee will start the next season 3-0 and then lose every remaining game

Tennessee. They're going to start 3-0 and then lose all the rest of their games. And then pretend to like that stupid color orange. No offense.

Vegas will be taken by storm once Brent Musburger moves there

Hot seat, I have Las Vegas. Brent Musburger is opening up a handicapping company in Las Vegas. So if you think that he's going to move out to the desert and not take that place by storm, then you haven't been watching television for the past 50 years.

The Patriots will win Super Bowl LI in a high-scoring game

A high-scoring Super Bowl and the Patriots win a close game in the 30s. Take the over.

Aaron Rodgers will eventually jump to the 4th or 5th best quarterback ever

I actually, well, a year ago, I put Aaron Rodgers as number 10 right above Bart Starr. And so I have him as number 10. But Rodgers is 10 right now, and I think he's probably going to jump up to, like, 5 or 4.

The Redskins will use the franchise tag on Kirk Cousins again this offseason

Kirk Cousins. He's not going to make it right now. Is he going to get paid over $100 million by the Redskins this offseason? No. He'll get the franchise tag. Again? 23-8, yeah.

The Raiders have a 65% chance of moving to Las Vegas and 35% chance to San Diego

I'd say right now it's probably 65% Vegas, 35% maybe San Diego. I thought it was pretty much a done deal by now. Can you come up with $650 million to get this thing to go right?