Takes

Darren Rovell is legitimately losing his mind

Rovell is kind of a misunderstood but nice guy. I think he's losing it—like he is legit losing his mind. He's on a bender from non-alcoholic beer. This is what happens when you drink like 12 a day for a week straight.

Adding football players to the Nebraska basketball team will change their morale and toughness

Nebraska, Fred Hoiberg has pulled out all the stops. Tomorrow against—I don't even know who—but Fred Hoiberg is bringing on Brant Banks and Noah Vedral to the basketball team. They are on the football team. I love that. He's adding toughness. At least it will be a bare minimum the morale and the attitude that the team will have will be significantly different.

The market for Tom Brady is not as hot as he thinks it is

I'm staying a little bit woke on the Tom Brady rumors everywhere. I feel like the market for Tom Brady is not as hot as he thought it would be.

I am officially done disrespecting the Coronavirus and now respect it

I actually I am standing up right now and saying I respect coronavirus. I'm done disrespecting. I'm not I'm putting a respectful thing to her fraud... I am respecting coronavirus.

If Zion Williamson is truly 300 pounds, he is the most impressive athlete of all time.

If Zion is 300 pounds, he's the most impressive athlete of all time. He's doing this as a 300-pounder... Better numbers than rookie LeBron. It's incredible watching him.

Ryan Newman surviving his Daytona crash is a testament to NASCAR's safety improvements

The fact that he was able to survive that wreck with serious injuries, but the fact that he's still alive is just incredible and it's honestly like a testament to what NASCAR has done since Dale Earnhardt passed away at the Daytona 500 20 years ago.

College coaches moving to the NBA often fail because they treat grown men like kids

I love when that happens. When a college coach thinks they can go to the pros and be just as much of a dickhead as they were in college and then everyone in the NBA or NFL is like hey, we don't really have to do all these things that you're making us do because we kind of know how to do it ourselves.

Justin Bieber's 'too bad' DM to Ria on Valentine's Day was a 'flirty' response.

He just like it was in one of those Twitter moments... and her tweet was in there... so he said what do you say to her? Too bad. Too bad. That's a little flirty.

Taysom Hill is the bacon of the NFL

Taysom Hill is like, he's like bacon, right? Bacon makes some dishes better, you would say... Then when you get to the 2010 internet guy who's like epic bacon wins, I'm going to make bacon flavored ice cream... you're like, no, actually bacon kind of sucks... Taysom Hill is the bacon of the NFL.

It is Duke's year and they will win the national championship

It's Duke's year. I'm officially ready to say it. Like, it is Duke's year. I know that I joked about it last year, Hank, but I'm telling you, man-to-man right now, I trust only Duke to win the national championship this year... Duke is definitely going to win. They're definitely going to win it all.

The Jaguars are only playing back-to-back London games to pay for a stadium renovation in Jacksonville

What's actually happening is the Jaguars are doing two games back to back just so that they can have enough money to totally redo their stadium in Jacksonville... Better Fan Experience... Listen honey, I'm not I'm only having sex with this other woman so that she can teach me new ways to not make you come right?

Urban Meyer would be a great fit at Michigan State so he can beat Michigan from another angle

How bad would it be if Urban Meyer went there? Oh, that'd be so fun and beat the fuck out of Michigan from the other angle. Yes, you know the thought has occurred to him in the last six hours.

Dante Scarnecchia's retirement makes Tom Brady less likely to return to the Patriots

Dante Scarnecchia, the Patriots offensive line coach, legend of the game, retired today. [If we're doing percentages], I would say that Dante Czarnecki retiring takes that percentage [of Brady returning] down.

Michael Bloomberg's dog handshake is a major red flag

Michael Bloomberg... has been pictured twice now greeting dogs on the campaign trail by grabbing them around the top of their mouth and shaking them like it's a handshake... hand inside the mouth. And then going that's a handshake to the dog.

Brad Davison has taken the mantle of most hated player in college basketball from Duke

Wisconsin basketball is officially more hated than Duke this year. Brad Davison up to his old tricks with a nut shot last night. I think Brad Davidson has taken the mantle of most hated college basketball player this year, which usually is reserved for the whitest guy on Duke.

Tim Tebow is better at baseball than Michael Jordan was

Better than Jordan at baseball, yeah. Oh, the stats will bear me out.

The 2020 NFL Draft stage in Las Vegas will lead to players falling in the water

The NFL Draft is going to have a stage in the Bellagio pool, and players are going to be transported in a boat... Well, there should definitely be props on which player is going in the water.

Tom Brady going to the Raiders would make them the most liked team in the NFL

Brady, I wouldn't even be mad if he went to the Raiders. And if he went to the Raiders, everyone would be rooting for the Vegas Raiders. If he decides to go to the Raiders, which would be shocking, that team would be electric.

I am a better and more accurate kicker than Chad Ochocinco

I'm not scared of you Chad. I'm coming for you Chad. I'm a better Kicker than you. I'm more accurate. They call me mr. 35 yards. Hmm. That's what they call me because I go I go 99 percent from 35 yards so I don't care if I can't kick a 60-yarder but I can hit a 35-yarder twice.

College football broadcasts make every coach look like they are going bald, except Ed Orgeron

Whatever camera angles and Camera filters or whatever they use to focus on coaches on the sidelines. They can take a coach that is probably not losing their hair and make it look like that coach is balding. Every coach looks balding on college football broadcasts. Coach Orgeron, his hair overpowered that.

Nick Saban appearing on the championship telecast while LSU won was a weird move

I don't think I would do it soon as LSU is there I think I'm like, you know what I'm gonna sit this one out... why don't I mean to have your arrival win in you're doing the I don't know. I don't think I would do it. So Saban became a meme I think for a minute.

There is a Blake of the Year curse

So it's time to ask, is there a Blake of the Year curse? You've got Griffin [surgery]. Bortles got traded. He moved teams... and went bald.

Stephen A. Smith will be extra spicy because of his apple cider vinegar cleanse

Stephen A. Smith just announced that he's going on a seven-day apple cider vinegar cleanse... He's going to be on a First Take just with a mouth tasting like all kinds of soy sauce... and he's going to have an empty belly. He's going to be sweating... a hungry dog runs faster.

College bowl games are boring and pointless

Good riddance. Bowls are boring. What's the point?

Shitting is an essential mental break during the work day

I feel like the art of going to the back, even in high school before I had a cell phone, I was still just like, let me get out of the class and go take a shit for 30 minutes. It's a mental break. So I don't even know that the cell phone thing would work as much. Like, people back in the day, before cell phones existed, were still taking long shit breaks.

Jim Boylen is the worst coach in the history of basketball

Yeah, he is the worst coach in the NBA. He might be the worst coach in the history of basketball... He called a timeout with 33 seconds left in the third quarter to stop the run... there is a timeout that's naturally [between quarters]... He's such a fucking idiot.

Sean Payton's butcher should stick to groceries and stay out of football coaching

Sean Payton went to the grocery store and his butcher was giving him shit about going for two in the game. Sean Payton was like, I told my butcher, you worry about running out of meat, I'll worry about coaching the football team. The butcher obviously doesn't understand math. He doesn't know that if you go for two the first time, you actually increase your chances of winning.

I don't want the Cubs to trade Chris Bryant

Chris Bryant is the word. And everyone's, you know, what happens is whether they trade Chris Bryant or not, I do not want them to trade Chris Bryant. But what pisses me off more than anything is fans who are like, well, you got to trade Chris Bryant because we have no money. Like, don't buy that bullshit.

The Chicago Bears are definitely going to make the playoffs

The Bears are going to make the playoffs. So Thursday night tune in. If the Bears lose, devastation... my team is still alive, just say fuck it and let's just hope that the best thing possible happens because then at least you get to watch games that feel meaningful. I've convinced myself fully.

The Lakers and Celtics will meet in the NBA Finals

I think it's going to be Lakers-Celtics in the championship.

Paul Bunyan's Axe is the best rivalry trophy in college football

I do think, and I'm obviously biased, but I do think Paul Bunyan's axe is up there... It's fucking awesome. It's enormous. It's just a great trophy to have... grab it and you get to hold it up and it's fucking cool. Fake, fake chop down the goalposts, the whole thing.

Gronk will not return to the Patriots this season

My hot seat is anyone who actually thought Gronk was coming back to the Patriots. He did a little teaser similar to when he was on this show. It was like, I have a big announcement tomorrow. Turned out he's just doing a party in Miami... he's not coming back to the Patriots this year, which is sad.

James Holzhauer will win the Jeopardy GOAT tournament

I'm going Jeopardy James [to win]. [Ken Jennings] is from Utah. I just assumed he soaked. He seems like a guy who soaks.

Joe Biden lost the youth vote by calling marijuana a 'gateway drug'

Joe Biden, he's running to be commander in chief, but he doesn't like weed. He says that it should remain illegal at the federal level because it's a gateway drug. Yeah, so he just lost the youth vote.

Booger McFarland is the new Jason Witten for NFL fan criticism

Jason Witten is on my cool throne because the internet has finally come for Booger McFarland. I think Booger had that nice spot where he came in after Jason Witten, so it was like no one was paying attention for a little bit, and now people are starting to listen to what he says... he's getting roasted. The internet is coming for him.

Freddie Kitchens will be fired after his second game against the Steelers

My other hot seat is Freddie Kitchens because according to sabermetrics he's going to be fired this week... I looked up the exact stat Romeo Crennel Eric Mangini Pat Shurmur Rod Chudzinski and Mike Pettine were all fired after their second Steelers game and Hue Jackson. So we wait this wouldn't be this week then it would be in three weeks when he plays his second. Yeah so he is officially on the hot seat.

The Dallas Cowboys are currently the third best team in the NFL

The New England Patriots are number one... on the Aikman efficiency rating... the Cowboys are third. So they're five and four, but there's a third best team in the entire NFL according to Troy Aikman.

Jeffrey Epstein is alive and the Clintons used Hillary's brother's body as a decoy

The newest Jeffrey Epstein theory out there, he's not dead He's Alive and the clintons used Hillary's brother... who died six months ago as the body for Jeffrey Epstein which they never did a DNA test.

Anthony Davis will sign with the Bulls in free agency next year

Anthony Davis was at like a school speaking... and he called Chicago the mecca. And he said they asked about like him coming back to Chicago to play and he said I am a free agent next year, but we will see. Door is wide open. Those are just fans already sick LeBron. Those are just facts.

The word 'Boomer' has jumped the shark

Boomer just the word Boomer has invaded like meme and American culture to a point where like I'm sick of it. It's kind of jumped the shark a little bit. But now it's at one of those things where it's like so mainstream it's like harambee after like two months where I was funny in the beginning.

Imagine Dragons music should be in the public domain

I think if it's Imagine Dragons Imagine Dragons should just be in the public domain there should not be the other attack. They got to protect their art like what those guys make beautiful beautiful art Imagine Dragons The Beatles Mozart and happy birthday.

Angela Duckworth is just monetizing the fact that untalented people are too dumb to quit

I saw who wrote the study and it was Angela Duckworth Who is the lady that wrote the grit book. She is grit exploitation. She is the big grit industrial complex. Most of us out there learn to appreciate grit because we had to because we lack talent and sports... we're also dumb enough to not quit. So therefore that's a good quality and I'm going to call it grit and she comes along and she's trying to make money off it.

DeColdest Crawford is the coolest name in the history of college football

The LSU Tigers signed a wide receiver named DeColdest Crawford. Yes. So DeColdest is making his way to Baton Rouge probably the coolest name. If not in the history of college football definitely in the history of Louisiana state.

NCAA athletes being allowed to profit off their likeness means the EA Sports NCAA football game will return

Athletes are allowed now to profit off their name and likeness. Yep. DeColdest is going to make so much money profiting off DeColdest. Does that mean we get the EA Sports back? I think we do right that we get the best the conclusion everyone jump to and I'm going to say yes until proven otherwise.

Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant's relationship is a Jay and Silent Bob dynamic

I kind of like that Dynamic though. It's a little Jay and Silent Bob ish, right? So you've got Kyrie that never says anything and then you got Kevin Durant that just says everything, right? Yeah, I'm fine with that. Yeah. This is sounds like it's going to be a good buddy cop type thing.

Matt Nagy is cracking and losing his mind as the Bears head coach

My hot seat is Matt Nagy. He's cracking. He's losing his mind. He had the Bears throwing egg toss in practice. That screams like, 'Hey, I'm just trying to do one of those fun games that you do in training camp,' but it's the middle of the season. And yikes. He also told all the players to stay off Twitter.

The Yankees would be an easier World Series matchup for the Nationals than the Astros

I'm rooting for whoever makes it easier for the Nationals. ... That would probably be the Yankees, to be honest. I would rather see the Yankees.

I am done with U.S. Men's Soccer after the loss to Canada

Just when you think it couldn't get worse, we lose to Canada. ... I'm done with the U.S. soccer until they start fucking just doing anything. ... I'm done being embarrassed. I want them to be good.

Ben Simmons will hit a three-pointer in his first preseason game tonight

He has his first preseason game tonight, so we'll see if he hits one. Do you guys think he'll hit one in his first game tonight? A three-pointer? ... I think yes.

Zion Williamson won't be an explosive dunker anymore because he measured at 6'6"

Zion's on the hot seat because I don't think he's going to be able to be an explosive dunker anymore now that he measured in at 6'6".