Takes

The Pardon My Take table read of The Office was better than the original show

That was better than the real one, I think. Yep. We crushed it. Everyone. Wow. Why didn't he just do prison mic in every scene?

Benchining a player for being too fat isn't discrimination if they were already heavy when they signed

They accepted [Pablo Sandoval] as being a loud ass when they signed him. He was heavy. So they didn't discriminate in the beginning. And so they will accept him the way he was, but it turned out that he couldn't hit his weight. So that made him less subject to discrimination.

The punt is the most important play in football

No, I've said it's [the punt] the most important play. All right, the most important play.

I am ground zero for sports celebrity for non-athletes

He [SI Reporter] said, you're the first sports star. I mean, what the hell is a sports star? Star for sports. You're the first guy to become a sports celebrity that wasn't an athlete. And it's really good. You pay it forward. You're really nice to everybody. You take strangers with you. And we have nothing to compare you to. You are ground zero for sports stars.

The Knicks will never win as long as James Dolan is the owner

As long as James Dolan is the owner of the Knicks, the Knicks aren't winning shit. And you know that. I know that. Spike Lee knows that.

Joe Flacco is elite because he has a Super Bowl ring

Is Joe Flacco elite? Duh. Obviously. He won a Super Bowl. Hello.

Grayson Allen should seek treatment for his tripping addiction

He's addicted to tripping. He's got a problem. He should go to rehab. Go to rehab for tripping. Seek treatment.

The Vikings' trade for Sam Bradford was a dumb move

I always told you guys that Sam Bradford trade was a fucking dumb move. The Titans and the Lions. Let's check the tape on that one. Yeah, we'll check the tape maybe after New Year's.

NBA superteams and a lack of parity make the league boring

There's not a lot of parity in the league. It's super teams. Why even watch? If you have one unbelievable player, then it's pretty much a guaranteed win.

Social media and video games have ruined the camaraderie of wrestling road tours

The guys nowadays pretty much stayed to themselves. A lot of video games, a lot of stuff like that, you know. Social media is tough. The guys don't go out like they're used to. It's just different times... raising hell, driving on the road. It's a different time.

WWE's production values are superior to the NBA and NFL

WWE's production values are [so good]. Their stuff is better than NBA, NFL, Namath. Their stuff is so good and so far advanced.

Every crime headline should include the sports teams the criminal roots for

Every time that there's a crime in the paper, if the detectives are able to figure out what teams they supported, they should include that in the headline. So like Pittsburgh Penguins fan hits Washington Wizards fan in a drunk driving accident.

Kirk Herbstreit's take on players sitting out bowl games is invalid because he wasn't an NFL prospect

[Kirk Herbstreit] forgot to mention the fact that he only started one season at Ohio State and he wasn't good enough to play in the NFL, so that wasn't even an option for him.

I have no problem with players sitting out bowl games because the system is corrupt

I have no problem with any of these guys sitting out any of the bowls... I like players taking care of themselves when the system is corrupt.

The Raiders are officially 'back' this year

The Raiders are headed for the playoffs. They've clinched a spot, and now it remains to be seen what they do with that opportunity... Of course they're back this year. They're back. Raiders are back.

It is yet to be proven if Derek Carr can win in cold weather

We saw that the team had some problems in Kansas City. Some people want to attribute that to the pinky. I don't necessarily agree that we should be pointing to a pinky... We'll see because the team could have to travel to New England. We don't yet know if that will be the case.

Matt Moore is the truth

I think Matt Moore is the truth. Did you see him? He was having so much fun out there.

I have completely sold myself on Matt Barkley

Since we're in the trust tree, I have completely sold myself on Matt Barkley.

NFL owners care more about profit than winning

There's a lot of owners that don't really, they say they want to win, but they don't want to do what it takes to win. They want to be profitable. They're in the entertainment business. They think it's cool to own a team.

The Heisman represents the player with the biggest campaign, not the best player

Let's not call it the best college football player because it doesn't represent the best college football player. It represents the guy with the biggest campaign who happens to touch the ball.

LeBron James is taking money out of kids' pockets by resting for games

It's honestly a little bit disgusting on LeBron's part to take a day off... He's taking money out of kids' pockets. He is.

The Seahawks' neon algae green uniforms are the best Color Rush uniforms ever

Color Rush happened last night. Best Color Rush uniforms ever. Ever. Seahawks look pretty good. Seahawks are great. Algae green.

You have to be a little crazy to be a professional goalie

All goalies are a little bit off. You've got to be a little bit off to do that for a living.

Donald Trump only appoints tall people to his administration

Senator Corker... did not get the Secretary of State job because the guy that got it is taller than Corker. Apparently Trump fancies tall people who are billionaires... Apparently if you're short, you're going nowhere in the Trump administration.

Grown men over the age of 30 should stop using the word dude

When did the word dude become part of the speech. I don't like that... I really don't mind when someone, a teenager or early 20s, uses it. But when you get older, the thing I hate the most is someone my age using it.

Mark Dantonio's approach to fixing Michigan State's problems by 'firing himself' is a great PR move

Mark Dantonio... he fired himself, kind of. He said, to be honest with you, I've taken the approach of, hey, I'm a new coach coming in here. I'm going to fix the things that the other guy did last year... and that's how I'm going to take the approach.

Jay Mariotti is just a troll looking for attention

It's called a troll that's looking for attention. And I absolutely played right into what he wanted.

People who complain about how much 2016 sucked are officially on the hot seat

My hot seat was, I think I talked about this a month ago, but I want to officially throw it on the hot seat because we're getting close to the end of the year. People who complain about how much 2016 sucked. You only have two weeks left to be a whiny little bitch on Twitter talking about how 2016, worst year ever.

The 'Yates of Hell' nickname is the greatest for someone who can't back it up

Maybe the greatest nickname for someone who can't back it up because this is what happens with TJ Yates. You sell yourself on Yates of Hell, and you even bet on Yates of Hell, and then you remember that it's actually just TJ Yates and he sucks.

Yellow colored gloves and cleats should be illegal in the NFL

Should be illegal. I'm going illegal with that. Because we don't want to offend dumb people like yourself.

Harry Douglas's low hit on Chris Harris Jr. was not illegal or dirty

I say dirty from my standpoint is based upon whether it was illegal or not. And it's not illegal. I mean, he's in front. He's blocking low. It's a run up the middle. I don't think it's illegal at all, and I don't think the league does either.

LeBron James is the 'Disney' of the NBA and corny as fuck

He's the Disney of the world. He's the Disney of the NBA. He's the Disney of memes. He makes everything corny as fuck.

Lane Kiffin took the FAU job to prevent himself from 'cucking' other men

If he wants to go fuck any guy's wife, it's probably like a 100-year-old woman, so he's not going to do it. It's kind of like... self-limiting behavior. Lane Kiffin's not going to go to a place where he just wants to cuck every dude he sees. It's like if you're an alcoholic, go take a job in Utah.

Name your kid 'Coach' so they are respected by peers and have job security

Name your kid coach. Why not just give your son, our daughter, the name coach? That way they're respected by all their peers. If they're playing sports growing up, you're taught to respect your coach, and you also are immune to being fired unless you really, really, really suck at your job.

The subway should have a 'fart car' with a discounted monthly pass

There should be a discounted train pass for a fart car. But would you not pay like 50% less a month on your train pass if – but you can only ride in the fart car?

Ben McAdoo is an aspirational, try-hard football guy rather than a real one

I still continue to say [Ben McAdoo] is not a football guy. He's a football guy in disguise. He's trying to be. He's an aspirational football—he's a try-hard football guy. Football guys don't even know that they're trying to be football guys. He knows.

Marc Trestman was a genius offensive coordinator but not a head coach

Trestman was a great offensive coordinator, he just wasn't a head coach... you can just tell by the way the guy is wired. He's an offensive-minded genius, and he should just be in charge of anything that falls under the offensive branch. When you're trying to talk to D-linemen and linebackers, who are just a different group of individuals, then you got to have a different way of going about it.

Derek Carr is a cold-weather choker

Derek Carr, not [a cold-weather quarterback]. No, in fact, he's a cold-weather choker. He played, what, at Fresno State? Cali boy. Soft. Can't trust the soft Cali boys.

Alex Smith is better in the cold because it makes everyone else as bad as he is

Alex Smith, he's better in the cold. Well, I don't want to say he's better in the cold. It's like he's kind of shitty just in general. But when it gets cold outside, it's the great equalizer because everyone's shit.

The NFL should trade coaches between the best and worst teams every year

I'd like to see at the end of every season the worst team trade coaches with the best team and see what happens the next year. Just a quick quirky little rule change.

The Heisman Trophy should just be awarded to the first five picks in the NFL Draft

My Mike Greenberg dumb rule, they should just make the Heisman the first five picks in the NFL draft. So instead of picking the best college player, give us the best, the guys who are going to be in the draft.

Heisman winners should be eligible for the NFL Draft regardless of age

Whoever wins the Heisman should be eligible for the draft no matter what. If they're a freshman, it's your golden ticket.

LeBron James makes every viral trend lame and manufactured

I just realized that this is – LeBron is Disney. He's like, if there's a meme on the internet, he's going to do it in the most Disney lame move ever. You know, like the mannequin challenge. Oh, they did the mannequin challenge at the White House. He just makes everything so fucking lame.

Winning a game with the Browns would be the biggest moment of RG3's career

If he won the last game of the season and the Browns were winless going into it, that is the biggest moment in RG3's career.

Dan Haren is a genius for joining the Diamondbacks because their pitching can't get worse

Smart move for him to join that team because basically he can just go and fart and be like, oh, they're better. 30th ranked team. So basically, they can't get worse. He can just go pick his nose, fart, listen to Pardon My Take, and they'll, by just the law of averages, get a little bit better.

Philadelphia fans have lost their edge and gotten soft

I feel like Philly's lost its edge recently. Philly has definitely lost its edge. Yeah, Philly, you guys haven't booed anyone who's hurt their spine recently? Philly's been eating shit and you guys haven't been doing anything... I think Philly's gotten soft. Lost its edge.

Complaints about there being too many college football bowl games are invalid

Shut the fuck up, people who complain about too many bowls. Oh, there's too much football. Free football is always good. If there's something, oh my God, I don't want to have another game I can bet on on a Tuesday afternoon when I don't want to talk to my family over the holiday season. Shut up.

I recommend testosterone and growth hormone as the best starting performance-enhancing drugs

If you were to use, I would say use testosterone for a couple of reasons. One, it's very effective, but two, it's also very affordable. ... I'll go with testosterone and growth hormone as a second.

An undefeated Group of Five team deserves a shot in the College Football Playoff

Now, if you go 13-0 and 13-0, I think you deserve a shot in the Final Four. I really do. Same thing with a Boise State or a Houston or a Group of Five team that does that.

The holiday outrage crowd is officially back

I think the holiday outrage crowd is back. We got people pissed that Zales put a lesbian couple on their holiday ad. We have people pissed that CVS and Macy's aren't more Christmas friendly. Starbucks cups... the war on Christmas crowd.