Takes

Greg Hardy's best possible legacy move is to be completely forgotten

The best thing that Greg Hardy could do is be forgotten. That's as good as it's going to get for his legacy. Why don't you get a horse and go live in the mountains someplace and don't bother anybody for a while?

JJ Watt still manually buys and alphabetizes music on iTunes

JJ Watt would be a guy who buys music still in 2016. Right. He spends $9.99 for every album and he's got like a very careful, everything's in like perfect order on his iTunes alphabetized. He's got the album artwork set up and everything.

It only counts as Opening Day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day

I only count it as opening day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day and watch baseball. Otherwise, like a Sunday night, I could do that any other week of the year.

Fireball is an acceptable ballpark drink until September 1st

I like to do airplane minis, like the mini bottles of Fireball... It's kind of like you don't wear white after Labor Day. You don't want to be drinking Fireball after like September 1st. After September 1st, you want to lose the flavored whiskey and get like some Jack Daniels or something because it's about a playoff push. So you got to focus. None of this sugary crap.

Preseason predictions are worthless and no one should care about them

I love preseason predictions because they're never right. I also love when people say like, oh, here are my preseason predictions so I can just get it on the record. Like anyone gives a fuck. Why would I care what you think? They're never right, and I just don't care.

The Cubs have the best team top-to-bottom in baseball

I do think the Cubs have the best team. And I know that everyone will be like, that's biased. They don't have the best pitching, but I'm talking about top to bottom team.

Losing a heartbreaker is better than getting blown out because women will console you

I would much rather be on a team that loses by like one point on a half court buzzer beater, because after the game's over, you're a little upset, you're sad, but guess what? There are going to be some chicks around. They're going to want to console you... If you get blown out, like you're even your wife at that point is going to pretend that she doesn't know who you are.

Being on rehab is the easiest money in professional sports

I'm addicted to actually rehab. It's the easiest money in pro sports. You don't ever have to play, and they keep sending you checks on the drugs. It's better than drugs, actually.

J.J. Watt is rattled because he tweeted at me out of nowhere

Here's why I think and I know that J.J. Watt is rattled. This was a totally unsolicited tweet from him... He just tweets me out of nowhere and he says, I thought we were friends now, man... You don't tell someone to have a great day unless you're, like, rattled.

J.J. Watt could fix his image by doing 'dizzy bat' and falling on his face

He needs to play a round of drunken dizzy bat because you always fall on your face... Not only is he like, okay, he's a regular guy... He also will fall on his face and will laugh about that. And if he can laugh at himself after that, I mean, he's right back in everyone's good graces.

Roy Williams is legitimately smarter about basketball than any sports reporter

As crazy as it is for Roy to be this surly to everyone, especially after a win, he's not wrong. He does know way more about basketball than we do. So when you second guess him on that stuff... in terms of X's and O's, I don't know... he's smarter.

It's my constitutional duty to be drunk when attending presidential debates

I feel like it's my constitutional duty to be drunk when I'm attending these things like presidential debates. If I'm interviewing Ben Carson about baby Hitler, if I'm talking to Donald Trump about whether or not he's a Muslim because he doesn't drink, I'm very serious about that.

Matt Harvey can't be trusted in any aspect of his life because he doesn't pee at the right time

Matt Harvey is going to the bathroom when he has to go to the bathroom now everything else that Matt Harvey does you have to question... The fact that he can't control his own bowels means that he can't be trusted in any other aspect of his life. So, yeah, if I'm the Mets, I'm like, this is a big problem. Guy can't pee.

Duke basketball players are the type of guys who get cheated on

Kyrie Irving, if you go to Duke, you're a guy who gets cheated on. That just kind of – that feels like a Duke thing that happens. If Kyrie Irving had gone to North Carolina or Kentucky or Kansas, I don't think he gets cheated on. I just think that Duke is a very – guys who go to Duke get cheated on.

Dating an Instagram model with over 20,000 followers is asking to get cheated on

I also say that if you, if you date somebody who on Instagram has over like 20,000 followers, you're pretty much asking to get cheated on too. Because, because in her mind, the only thing that matters to her is taking a picture of something that's going to get a lot of likes.

Vince Wilfork is just a fat blob who stands in place

All the strength that I have accumulated over the years, it's not going anywhere. I'm not going to lose it. That's what Vince Wilfork is. He's a fat blob now.

Life's too short to bet the unders

I obviously bet overs today. I lasted two games before I broke my one rule that I had spent the entire week pep talking myself into... life's too short to bet the unders in life.

Darren Rovell is the 'well-actually guy' of the NCAA tournament

Darren Rovell, who makes a case in point to tell everybody in America that he does not fill out a bracket, because guess what? Eight years ago, for the first time, he decided not to do a bracket, and it's so much more fun watching the tournament without it. So he is the well-actually guy of the NCAA tournament.

The 'other bracket' guy is the worst person during March Madness

I'm power ranking. Other bracket guy is number one is the worst... The guy who always he'll always chime in whenever there's a big upset. But he'll like have one bracket in his hand... 'I don't have that upset here. I just have it on my other bracket.' This like elusive other bracket that no one knows about.

Coaches collapse during games for motivation or to avoid accountability

Tony Bennett made the mistake of doing it when his team's up. You're supposed to do it when it's down so that even if you lose, people can't be like, oh, that coach sucks... I think that every single time my team got down big in a big game, I just collapsed... and then if you lose, everyone's like, wow, man, I can't believe like he just collapsed and he kept on coaching.

Journalists should only get the media buffet if they ask good questions

You basically just treat all the journalists like they're five-year-olds when your mom said, if you don't eat your broccoli, you don't get ice cream. It's like, listen, guys, if you don't ask good questions in this presser, no buffet for you.

Adam LaRoche's retirement over his son being in the clubhouse was just 'hurt feelings'

Adam LaRoche quit because his feelings were hurt. He got his feelings hurt... your feelings are hurt because the White Sox basically said, hey, Adam, you're a 14 year old best friend. You can't bring him around anymore.

LeBron James is passive-aggressive and can't spell his own metaphors

That's LeBron James because J.J. Watt would never tweet anything as passive-aggressive as that... He also did spell it wrong. He said, you can't accomplish the dream if everyone isn't dreaming the same thing every day.

Quitting your job before March Madness is the best feeling in the world

It is the best two days of the year to call in sick for work, bar none. I had some friends, and back like six or seven years ago, we would all quit our jobs in anticipation of March Madness so that we just wouldn't have to worry about going into work... it feels like you're on heroin because it's such a reckless thing to do for like this little bit of endorphin payout.

We need a 'relegation league' Monday night football game to help people transition off the March Madness high

This is how you wean people off March Madness is if we just had like a Monday night football game on Monday night, like if it was just Titans Jaguars on Monday night, the relegation league... You need sports that your body is craving it. Boom. Football's back.

If you haven't taken a hungover nap at the office, you're the lamest person in the world

I'm not going to say that Johnny Manziel should be taking naps when he's in the NFL... But show me a guy who, and probably a lot of women, who has not taken a hungover nap at their office, and I'll show you the lamest guy in the world.

The NIT should be renamed the 'Nice Invitational Tournament' because the winner is the 69th best team

I'm supposed to pitch to you guys the idea of calling the NIT the Nice Invitational Tournament because the winner is the 69th best team in the country... Ohio State is playing to be number 69.

Indiana winning the Big Ten was a nightmare because it saved Tom Crean's job

This was my nightmare as an Indiana fan... now they're probably going to lose to Kentucky in the second round... And then people that like Crean are going to say, Oh, but they lost to the final four Kentucky team... It's a weird position to be in when you're kind of cheering for them to lose. So that way you just fire Tom Crean.

Villanova is a notorious tournament choker

Villanova's the notorious choker where Jay Wright still has like a three-year deal on his contract with CBS, I think, for the second round to call the games from the studio with those guys. So that's it. Villanova opens up and then Arizona can get by Miami, you know, maybe, maybe Arizona can make a push.

Oregon is the weakest 1-seed but has an easy path thanks to Duke being in their bracket

Oregon's definitely the weakest one seed, but then you've got to look at their bracket. Because they were blessed to have Duke in their bracket, the committee always gives Duke the easy ride. By proxy, Oregon also got the easy ride.

Rick Pitino definitely knew about the stripper parties in the Louisville dorms

Rick Pitino is an egomaniac who runs an entire program, who knows everything that's going on. And then, oh, whoops, he somehow didn't know the time that the prostitutes showed up and started fucking all his recruits. Get out of here.

Howie Long is one of the most intimidating grandfathers in the world

I think he's up there, but you know, like, Laurinaitis, his dad is, like, one of the road warriors, so... I got my dad in a Mortal Kombat situation over James' dad, but I'm just biased.

Joey Bosa is just a working man's Chris Long

Joey Bosa, I think is like he's a working man's Chris Long is what I've been saying about him.

Joey Bosa is more gifted than I was as a prospect

I think he's [Joey Bosa] a little bit more gifted than me. But you got to stick to the rules.

I would consider playing on a $1 contract to see if I truly love football

I mean, it'd be an interesting experiment to see if I really love football. [A $1 contract]... I've been doing football drills and I've been in the gym ever since I got cut.

Pardon My Take is more professional than Scott Van Pelt's show

[PMT is more professional]... A lot. I always did that [SVP's] show on my cell phone.

The Cleveland Browns are smarter to do nothing in free agency than to fail spectacularly again

I think the Browns are just playing the game where they fucked up so bad in the past and everything that they've done that not doing anything is actually a smarter move than trying to do something and failing because you can't stay still. You're going to piss off your fans for about six months if you don't do anything in free agency. But a fan's not going to remember that like a year from now.

Adam Schefter is on the comeback trail after getting 'killed' by Ian Rapoport

I would not be surprised to see Schefter on the comeback trail. You see a little life coming out of him when he's yelling at Hannah Storm. You see a little life when he's getting pissed off about getting chapped. That is the right mentality that I want in my beat reporter. Like I feel he's about to turn the corner. And so don't count him out just yet. Adam Schefter is a strong buy for me.

Disney and ESPN have the power to push Pardon My Take around as a 'big guy' vs 'little guy' dynamic

Oh, it's definitely ESPN and Disney pushing around the little guy, but they have the ability to push you around. That's what big guys do to little guys. That's what the economy and life is all about, I guess. ... This isn't going to go away unless something is done. I don't think you can keep in the posture that you're in right now and basically get back to them and say, F you. I don't think that's going to get you very far.

Bryce Harper would be more likable if he shaved male pattern baldness into his head

If he didn't have the hair that he had, I think he would get a lot more love. Like think about Mike Trout. You don't hate Mike Trout because Mike Trout's kind of pudgy. He's like, doesn't have very good hair. ... Bryce Harper. He's doing every, every time I look around, he's got his hair flowing everywhere and he's got his shirt off. He's doing this. He's hitting home runs. You can't have it all. So either you change your name to Bruce or you shave your head, maybe shave male pattern baldness in, and then I'll start being a fan of Bruce Harper.

ESPN should be thanking us for elevating the brands of 'Pardon the Interruption' and 'First Take'

I would say that they should be on their hands and knees thanking us that we're doing more to elevate the Pardon the Interruption and First Take brand, because now they're affiliated with our brand.

We should file a cease and desist against ESPN to stop them from sending us cease and desist letters

I think we can file a motion against their motion... We should file a cease and desist to them to stop sending a cease and desist letters.

I have zero confidence that any running back free agent signing by any team is going to play out

I have zero confidence that any running back free agent signing by any team is going to play out. But the Jaguars keep going back to that.

I would take Jay Cutler over Matthew Stafford any day of the week

When you just basically said Matthew Stafford is the worst quarterback, which I agree with. I would take Cutler over Stafford any day of the week, but I appreciate you throwing me a bone there.

The better a sports town is, the more likely that place is a terrible place to live

I got to tell you, what I've learned in all those places is how good a town is based on sports is normally measured by how terrible everything else is in that place. The better sports town, the more likely that place is not somewhere you want to inhabit.

If you can get your point across without spelling correctly, your take is stronger

If you can get your point across without having to spell every word correctly, you know, you've got a damn strong point. Right. If you have to make sure that everything's in its nice little order... is your take really that much worth reading to begin with? If it has to be spelled correctly?

Comment sections deliver the most pure and unfiltered takes on the internet

That's why comment sections usually deliver the most unfiltered Correct takes. It's because like you're in a race to get your takeout before somebody beats you on it. So like, you can't be bothered to make sure that it's a hundred percent factually correct... this is just like brain to internet. Like there's no filter.

Michael Jordan is the worst-dressed rich person in the world

I would say [Jordan] is probably the worst dresser, worst rich dresser in the world... He's worn cargo jeans before. Yeah. That cargo jeans are like, if you're not a Juggalo, you shouldn't be wearing cargo jeans.

Harrison Ford's earring is the most 'try hard' accessory in life

Number two is Harrison Ford. Harrison Ford is a try hard earring. His earring is the most try hard, it's the worst. And, and he, he seems like such a dick too. And like you can't, I can't believe that he has gone this far in life without having somebody say, dude, rip that shit out.

Chris Jones should embrace his NFL Combine wardrobe malfunction and market himself as the 'big dick guy'

I think he needs to just run with us and totally embrace it and always be the guy with a big dick... show up to press conferences wearing like extremely tight [jeans]... capitalize on it and market himself as the big dick guy. Like he's, there's money to be made out there.