Takes

Philip Rivers is a Hall of Fame quarterback

I'm going to miss it [the rivalry]. He's a Hall of Fame quarterback in my eyes. He's a great quarterback. It would just be weird to look at the San Diego Chargers or the LA Chargers without Philip Rivers.

Odell Beckham Jr. probably handed out fake money at the National Championship as a stunt

But it was fake money. It was fake money. No, it was fake money... Knowing Odell [Beckham Jr.] personally, he probably—it was probably just like a stunt. Like he knew the camera was right there... He probably did that on purpose, like gave him the fake money to like make everybody go crazy.

I would be a successful goal-line running back or tight end

I feel like I would be the Von Miller of running backs if I was a running back... I've had this pitch for about since we won the Super Bowl. I should be playing offense in the goal line package. I practice with Todd Davis and I just don't feel like they can cover me like they can cover other tight ends.

A New York City rat would beat a chicken in a fight

Who wins a fight? A New York rat or a chicken? [Von Miller] I'd say the rats. ... If it's a mouse, it's over [for the mouse]. But a rat, like especially a New York rat, it's over [for the chicken].

Peter Weber is not cut out for the bright lights of being The Bachelor

Pete's acting like a mopey little bitch. ... He's crying over the fact that these girls... He can't handle the drama. He doesn't want any of the smoke. But he also signed up to be The Bachelor. He's not cut out for the bright lights.

Real 'hot boys' don't work with lawyers

DeMarcus Lawrence... he is working with attorneys to prevent the use of [the name 'Hot Boys'] by anyone other than the Cowboys... A real hot boy knows that other people call hot boys. Hot boys don't work with lawyers.

The NFL's new roughing the passer rules make it harder for defensive players to tackle running quarterbacks like Patrick Mahomes

I actually think that a little hot take, but the new rules with hitting quarterbacks makes it harder for defensive players to fully go at a quarterback. It felt like guys wanted to tackle him, but it also felt like if they went too hard they would get a penalty. You very rarely get a clean shot on a quarterback in the open field and they missed it.

A Super Bowl win will take Andy Reid's legacy from a great coach to one of the best ever

Andy Reid is in that classic situation where his legacy, if he wins a Super Bowl, will change so dramatically. He's been such a good coach for so long... that one Super Bowl win will take him from a great coach to like one of the best.

Conor McGregor is officially back after his 40-second knockout of Donald Cerrone

My whose back is Conor McGregor? He's back. He's so fucking Back. 40 seconds. Cowboys around 40 seconds. Peace, he's back the shoulder straps invented.

If you are a man with a fat face, you must have high-volume hair to distract people from your cheeks

If you're a bigger guy, you need to have your hair have as much volume as possible to hide the fact that you have a fat face. When you put on a hat, it always makes your face look fatter. All the focus goes to your fat fucking cheeks. So you need to have hair, just crazy hair, to take away. Hair and beard are a fat guy's best friend.

Trevor Lawrence is overrated and played poorly in the National Championship game

Trevor Lawrence played like shit in the national championship game. Yeah. I had no idea. Overrated. 17 overthrows. There you go.

The Chicago Cubs should be retroactively awarded the 2017 World Series because of the Astros and Dodgers cheating scandals

The other thing they should do is retroactively give the Cubs a 2017 World Series. So back-to-back, no big deal. We lost to the Dodgers and the Dodgers lost to the Astros. Cheaters, cheaters, cheaters. Just do the right thing.

Sign stealing is the most American thing you can do

If we hadn't stolen signs in World War II, we'd all be speaking Japanese. Sign stealing is the most American thing someone can do.

I could still run for 500 to 600 yards in an NFL season today

Maybe I can put up, I don't know, 500, 600 yards, something like that for the season. ... At 50, I feel like I could run maybe a 4.5, 4.6 [40-yard dash], you know?

Ezekiel Elliott is the hardest running back in the NFL to tackle

For the running back position, I'd say Zeke. He runs behind his pads well, so I give it to Zeke.

I can take Quenton Nelson in a fight

[Big Cat]: You versus Quenton Nelson. Who wins in a fight? [Darius Leonard]: In a fight? I'm with me. Yes. I'm a competitor... Yeah, I can take him. It's not the size of the dog that's in the fight, but the size of the fight that's in the dog.

I could outkick Jay Feeley if we were both forced to kick field goals while wearing suits and reporting on the sideline

Could PFT outkick Jay Feeley now if they were both wearing suits and reporting on the sideline and immediately got called in to start kicking field goals? Definitely. Jay Feeley's a fucking loser. He needs his two little weird gloves to be able to kick. I don't need that shit.

LSU is in the conversation for the best college football team of all time

Doubting them was the... I mean they are in the conversation for best college football team of all time. They beat five out of the top eight teams. They destroyed everyone. They had the best resume of any college football team to ever exist.

I would have been a more effective offensive coordinator for LSU early in the national title game

In the first quarter when they were getting there were losing the field position battle you're getting pinned... I was yelling. I was screaming at the field because I was like, you need to have a running back in the backfield at least pretend like you're going to run the ball. I was questioned the play calls there... I talked to a lot of shit about [Joe Brady's] play calling. I thought it was bad on the first couple drives.

I'm officially an anti-South Carolina guy now

I started talking shit about South Carolina on the interview with Stanford Steve and I think I'm going to lean into it and just being anti South Carolina guy. But yeah, it's fucking weird to just roll around with $2 bills.

College football broadcasts make every coach look like they are going bald, except Ed Orgeron

Whatever camera angles and Camera filters or whatever they use to focus on coaches on the sidelines. They can take a coach that is probably not losing their hair and make it look like that coach is balding. Every coach looks balding on college football broadcasts. Coach Orgeron, his hair overpowered that.

Nick Saban appearing on the championship telecast while LSU won was a weird move

I don't think I would do it soon as LSU is there I think I'm like, you know what I'm gonna sit this one out... why don't I mean to have your arrival win in you're doing the I don't know. I don't think I would do it. So Saban became a meme I think for a minute.

Nobody could have ever stopped LSU's offense this season

I really don't think anybody ever could have could have stopped this. I mean we were we were just rolling we had I mean I could just throw up a I could throw the ball with my eyes closed. My receiver is going to go catch it. That's that's how we felt and We were just playing with so much confidence.

Kirk Cousins was not the main reason the Vikings lost to the 49ers

I'm not going to sit here and do the lazy Kirk Cousins stinks, he can never win a big game. He wasn't good, but his offensive line was worse, and I'm not going to put all the blame on Kirk Cousins. To me, this game was way more about the Niners' defense than Kirk Cousins screwing up royally.

The Cleveland Browns franchise is built around immediate success

The Browns franchise is built around immediate success. Listen, when you're the Cleveland Browns, you can't afford to give up two more weeks to wait to hire the right coach. It's a win now [mentality].

The divisional round exit is the ceiling for the current Minnesota Vikings

This is their ceiling. And it's a pretty good ceiling. I mean, you made the divisional round of the playoffs. You won a road playoff game in New Orleans... You should be happy with this, kind of. Eventually they're going to get exactly where they are every single time with Kirk Cousins.

The Ravens panicked against the Titans and abandoned their identity

Holy shit, was that a fucking inexcusable loss at home where they just looked terrible. And I know Lamar Jackson had a million yards. But I actually don't blame it all on him because it felt like the Ravens... they panicked when they went down, and how many times are they going to run empty backfield when all season long they were fucking everyone up? That's the stupidest thing you could ever do.

You cannot beat the Kansas City Chiefs by kicking field goals

You're not going to beat the Chiefs by kicking field goals. You're not. So I don't understand why [Bill O'Brien] doesn't go for a touchdown.

If it were 400 years ago, David Baker would be the king of Europe based on his size alone

David Baker, the biggest man, the largest human being that's ever been created... he would be a king 400 years ago. He would have been the king of all of Europe, just by size.

The Lakers are peaking too early in the NBA season

The Lakers are really fucking good... peaking too early. They didn't even have Anthony Davis and LeBron the other night, and they fucking smoked the Thunder... I'm putting in the tickler file... peaking too early.

Bo Schembechler does not belong in the top 20 college football coaches of all time

Look at Bo Schembechler... go back and look at his record in bowl games. I think he coached in 10 Rose Bowls. You know how many he won? Two. Two and eight. But he's a god... Schembechler in the top 20 is not right.

Mike Leach in the SEC is a match made in heaven for entertainment

Mike Leach in the SEC, a match made in heaven. Maybe not from a football standpoint, from an entertainment standpoint. Lane Kiffin versus Mike Leach in the Egg Bowl. I hope it happens for 50 years.

Russell Wilson is not good in cold weather

The only thing I'm worried about is I don't think Russell Wilson can play in the cold. I don't think he's a cold guy... his record and his stats in the cold, he's not good. He gets spooked.

Matt Rule is the most intriguing coaching hire of the 2020 offseason

I'm most intrigued by the Matt Rule hire because I want to see if what he does transitions over. And we know that he's working with an owner who just like spend, spend, spend on everything.

The Waterdogs will have a stadium built exclusively with taxpayer money

I'd like to do a census, some type of study to figure out where we could build a stadium exclusively with the taxpayer's money. I don't want to pay anything for my new stadium. Let's find out... figure out what location in America the voters are dumb enough that they'll just give us a lacrosse stadium.

The first day of March Madness is the most stressful betting day of the year

First day of March Madness. Because there's just so much that can go wrong, and if it goes wrong, you're... you can be in a hole and look up out of the hole and be like, how am I going to get out of this hole? And then it's, oh, whoops, it's also a sinkhole.

You have to compare Joe Judge immediately to John Harbaugh

You have to compare [Joe Judge] immediately to John Harbaugh. Of course. And say, okay, this guy could work. Because not enough special team guys get opportunities.

I would rather hire Matt Rhule than Nick Saban or Urban Meyer

I actually would feel more comfortable getting a Matt Rhule type than like an Urban Meyer or even a Nick Saban... Matt Rule did more with less. Temple is not really a football powerhouse. Baylor was obviously in kind of a disaster zone. So he wasn't beating guys with just going out and getting all the recruits... He was beating them, I would assume, with at least some X's and O's.

Joe Judge is probably not that talented of a coach because he went to Mississippi State

Joe Judge... negatives, everyone had to Wikipedia who [he] was. Also negative, he went to college at Mississippi State. So probably not that talented.

Mike McCarthy only winning one Super Bowl with Aaron Rodgers makes him just an okay coach

If you asked any Packer fan, though, and let's just say that Aaron Rodgers is not going to win another Super Bowl, the fact that Mike McCarthy had Aaron Rodgers that type of talent and they only won one is an okay coach.

The NFL has only 3 or 4 difference-maker coaches and about 20 interchangeable ones like Mike McCarthy

The NFL is probably three or four difference maker coaches. Then there's 20 guys who are all kind of interchangeable. That's Mike McCarthy. And then four or five guys that will like actively hurt your team.

There is a Blake of the Year curse

So it's time to ask, is there a Blake of the Year curse? You've got Griffin [surgery]. Bortles got traded. He moved teams... and went bald.

College bowl games are boring and pointless

Good riddance. Bowls are boring. What's the point?

Men turn uglier and uglier as they get older

As you get older, men turn uglier and uglier... George Clooney and Brad Pitt, those guys are flukes. That was like a mistake. I would say that most guys are disgusting, right? It's just a known fact.

John Green was a much better online researcher than Deanna Thompson

John Green dominated [Deanna Thompson] in terms of researching things online... At the end, when he and [Deanna] were sitting at the diner, and she was like, 'I would have quit without you,' and he was like, 'I know you would have.'

The online cat-hunter group is somewhat responsible for the murder in 'Don't F*ck With Cats'

Media and our obsession with crime documentaries and their obsession with finding someone... they are somewhat responsible. There are psycho people out there, but [Luka Magnotta] wanted to be chased and they chased him. We kind of gave it all to him.

The murderer in Don't F*ck With Cats was not a genius mastermind

This guy is not as smart as everyone's making him out to be. He is not some mastermind. He's a fucked up piece of shit... he's narcissistic and he got caught in like three days.

The 2020 Wild Card weekend was the most thrilling in NFL history

That was an insane, insane Wild Card weekend. Probably, I wouldn't say the best Wild Card weekend because I honestly just can't remember all the Wild Card weekends off the top of my head. But it was probably the most thrilling.

Deshaun Watson is the Michael Jordan of the NFL

When Dabo Swinney says [Deshaun Watson] is Michael Jordan, that's what he's talking about. The fact that he has that poise and that one play where he got sacked twice, spun around and made a play.

Josh Allen is like Brett Favre with ADD

He was playing like a little kid just hopped up on sugar, just running around, making plays. He was like Brett Favre if Brett Favre had ADD.