Takes

The live-action Lion King remake looks bad

The Lion King looks weird, too. Like, that looks bad. It is. It's too much. Cartoons, anything can be a cartoon, and it's believable because it's a cartoon. But if it's like, oh, these lines look real life, and they're talking, it's like [scary].

Michael Jordan is the GOAT over LeBron James because of his leadership

Michael Jordan, he has a leadership. That's the most important thing. As a player, as an athlete, you have a leadership... in a basketball game, if you're a superstar in the team, you have to lead your team.

In the playoffs, it is better to get blown out 6-0 than to lose 4-3 in overtime

Do you lend any credence to my theory that in the playoffs you'd rather get your ass kicked, like get smoked 6-0, than lose a 4-3 game in overtime because the close loss is so much more demoralizing because you think that you've got it, whereas with a 6-0 loss, you just say fuck it after you're down 4-0, and who really cares?

The 2019 Bachelorette season is boring and Hannah Brown is whack

The Bachelorette, I feel like this is a boring season. I feel like I say that every time, but I feel like this is a boring season. Hannah's whack. She's real whack.

Freddie Kitchens is naive for thinking he has full control over the Browns as a rookie head coach

Freddie's so naive right now. And I love it. I love this stage of a coach's career... He thinks that he calls all the shots... And then his soul just got crushed.

Klay Thompson's hamstring injury is a huge concern for the Warriors

Klay Thompson going out with the hamstring, which, by the way, that wasn't talked about after, but that's a huge, huge injury because he went out and he looked really pissed. Hamstrings are weird, man.

The third quarter Warriors are the most fun team in the NBA to watch

The third quarter Warriors are the most fun team in the NBA to watch. They're insane. I absolutely love them.

Klay Thompson is actually the most important piece of the Warriors

I'm talking myself into the take that Klay Thompson is actually the most important piece of that Warriors team. Clay will come in and he'll shoot like seven for 10.

Andy Ruiz vs. Anthony Joshua was the biggest boxing upset I've ever seen

Biggest upset that I've ever seen, you're probably right that the Buster Douglas upset was a bigger one. But in today's multimedia world... it's just hard to fathom a bigger one.

Anthony Joshua fights like a 5'10" man despite being 6'6"

Anthony Joshua just couldn't keep Andy Ruiz from charging in at him... Joshua is 6'6", but he fights like he's 5'10". Like he doesn't use that height to his advantage.

Odell Beckham Jr. missing OTAs is weird and concerning

Odell Beckham is already upset at the Browns... It is a little weird. It's one of those things that Odell Beckham, I do think he gets lumped into when everyone's like, oh, yeah, the prima donna wide receiver... But it is weird that he's not showing up, and it's like you kind of want your guy to show up.

Kevin Durant must feel great seeing the Warriors struggle in Game 1

The more important news, [Kevin Durant]'s got to be feeling real good right now. Very conflicted, [Kevin Durant]. Real good. That sound you hear is [Kevin Durant]'s calf magically healing itself.

I still don't think anybody in the NBA can beat the Bucks

I still don't think anybody can beat the [Bucks].

We would easily beat the Warriors if we started the 4th quarter with a 100-point lead

No, easy. We win by 30 [if we had a 100-point lead against the Golden State Warriors at the start of the fourth quarter].

We would still lose to the Warriors even with a 100-point lead in the 4th quarter

I think we would still lose and it would be like hilarious how bad we would look because I don't think we'd get the ball in half the time.

St. Louis pizza is just a saltine cracker with ketchup and American cheese

I learned something new about the St. Louis culinary tradition every year, whether it's their pizza, which my understanding is like saltine cracker with ketchup, and then like a lunchable cheddar... American cheese.

Being ignored at a roast is meaner than being made fun of

That's almost meaner [to go soft]. If I ignore you at a roast, it means either you can't take it or I don't care about you.

All extremely rich people have access to secret, high-end designer drugs

I'm convinced that all rich people have access to these designer drugs that are so fucking cool that no one will ever hear about. They all do their rich people drugs that no one else has access to, like the everlasting gobstopper that they can have that just live forever.

Comedians should lean into their specific niche rather than trying to be generalists

Dave Chappelle actually gave me a pretty healthy pep talk about it probably about 10, 12 years ago where he's like, that's your lane, bro. Make it a highway. Make it a six lane highway. And he's right. No one really does that. Roasting became so fun. I felt pigeonholed for a while, but [Chappelle] was right.

Doug Gottlieb is classless for blaming RJ Hampton's parents for his decision to play in New Zealand

To call out his parents is like such a weird fucking move, dude. Just a weird, weird move... it's a crazy move to call an 18-year-old a douchebag for wanting to make a decision for himself.

I agree with Scottie Pippen's decision to sue a five-year-old for drawing on his walls

Scottie Pippen... he's suing a five-year-old. But I read it, and I actually agree with him. So essentially... the people trashed the house, and part of the trashing of the house was someone took crayons to all the walls, and it was most likely a five-year-old. So boom, you're getting sued. I like that.

A 2-0 lead is the most dangerous lead in both hockey and soccer.

It proves once again 2-0 is the most dangerous lead ever. In hockey and also in soccer, I'm told.

RJ Hampton's brand will be fine because we will be the number one RJ Hampton podcast on planet Earth

Guess what, Jeff Goodman? His brand is going to be fine because we're going to be the number one RJ Hampton podcast on planet Earth.

The Lakers are in a classic rats-on-a-sinking-ship scenario

What this tells me is that this is a classic rats on a sinking ship scenario with the Lakers. Because you're right. Nobody was spared. Everybody got a little taste of some vengeance from somebody else. So everyone inside that front office is talking.

I wouldn't put it past Kobe Bryant to actually have a meeting with a ghost to figure out how locked in he is.

I wouldn't put it past Kobe to actually have a meeting with a ghost to figure out how locked in he is. We're laughing at Rob Pelinka right now, but Rob Pelinka might be telling the truth. He's just leaving out the part that it was a ghost and not actually Heath Ledger.

The 'failed son' phenomenon is a real thing when you are a famous celebrity's child.

Yeah. What's the saying? It's like the first one builds it. The second one maintains it. The third one destroys it.

FIFA is the one organization out there that knows how to handle their shit.

If there's one organization out there that knows how to handle their shit, it's FIFA. This is like number 100 on their list right now of things to take care of right behind building stadiums that look like vaginas using slave labor.

I am sick of The Rock posting relatable cheat meals while he's in peak physical condition

I'm putting The Rock on my hot seat because I'm sick of him posting his cheat meals. Being like, look how relatable this is, guys. I don't know if you noticed this, but like every month, Rock will post a huge pancake or something. And be like, damn, look at this cheat meal I'm about to devour. Being like, everyone out there, you know what it's like to eat like shit. Yeah, Rock, we eat like shit every fucking day. You're not cool because you eat a big pancake once every 30 days and you can deadlift 1,000 pounds and you spend your life in a fucking gym.

Intermittent fasting is the easiest thing in the world

No, [intermittent fasting] is the easiest thing in the world... You just don't eat for longer in the morning and a little bit longer before bed... you have 12 hours that you should not eat throughout the day. During your nighttime sleep cycle, say you have your dinner and your dinner ends at 7 p.m., you should not have anything in your body except water.

Tom Cruise is the Tom Brady of movie stars.

He's Tom Brady. He's like the Tom Brady [of movie stars]. He does the movie star as an actor, the best way. He's a real movie star.

You can't really dribble effectively with long shorts anyway; short shorts are the new wave.

Trendsetter. It's like the new wave. You can't dribble really with your shorts all long anyways.

USC is in California; South Carolina should stop calling themselves USC

I can't stand when South Carolina people refer to themselves as USC. That's the worst. You're not USC. USC is in California. I'm sorry. It's just the truth.

Giannis Antetokounmpo shrunk in every fourth-quarter situation against the Raptors

I feel bad for Bucks fans because they really did after up 2-0. They're like, this is going to be it. This is awesome. And Giannis [Antetokounmpo] just shrunk in every fourth quarter situation.

Skip Bayless is the real winner of the 2019 NBA Finals no matter the outcome

Skip Bayless is the real winner of these NBA finals, no matter what happens... Because if the Warriors win, it's an indictment on Kawhi. And Skip gets to say, number two, I told you he was number two. And if the Raptors win, it's a big win for Skip Bayless because then he can retroactively use that and say it means less that LeBron James beat that Warriors team without KD back in 2016 because Kawhi also did it.

I want Steph Curry to not win the Finals MVP just to keep that narrative alive

In order of things I want to happen, I want Steph [Curry] to not win the MVP no matter what just so that we can keep that narrative going. It's got to go to somebody crazy.

The University of Virginia is the 'Boston' of colleges

Another huge win for lacrosse. Virginia beat Yale. Virginia's just pretty much the Boston of colleges.

Lacrosse and baseball should make goals worth more points to make the final score look cooler

You know what they really need to do in lacrosse? They need to make the goals worth more than one point. It's an easy fix for baseball, too, if you want to draw more attention to your sport. Like in football, a touchdown is really one score, but it's worth six, which makes the final score look so much cooler. In lacrosse, if every goal was worth five points and the final score was 100 to 98.

Jared Goff reminds me of my friends, and I can't imagine my friends beating Bill Belichick and Tom Brady

Jared Goff... reminds me of my friends. He's very similar to my friends. I could not see any of my friends taking down [Bill] Belichick and Tom Brady.

Draymond Green is a top five uncle in professional sports

Draymond [Green] would be a top five uncle of professional athletes right now. He's like, I want to go hang out with Unky Draymond. Especially the one that's kind of fucked up and always angry at people.

Illinois is a second-tier state because it's only Chicago and bad weather

I put Illinois in my second tier as a state just because I like the city of Chicago in the summertime. But people are big mad. Apparently, Illinois is not a well-liked state even by people that live inside of Illinois... Illinois is never going to be on the same level as California's, the Florida's, the Hawaii's.

If you can't chug a beer in the state of Wisconsin, you should be excommunicated

There's actually no state worse to be in and not be able to chug a beer than the state of Wisconsin. If you can't chug a beer in the state of Wisconsin, you've got to get out instantly.

Drake is a Canadian version of a trash-talker who waits to respond via subtle social media changes

That's the most Canadian response ever to a disc track is to just wait and then subtly change your social media. Yeah, take as much time as possible. That's as mean as they get in Canada.

Kawhi Leonard is such an efficient, robotic player that you don't even realize he has 35 points until the game is over

Kawhi [Leonard] is the fucking guy who... You can just watch a game and not realize that he's got 35 points. You know what I mean? Because it's so efficient and it's so robotic and steady throughout where it just happens.

Having Drake on the sidelines during the NBA Finals adds necessary intrigue to the series

I want Drake in the finals... I've thought about it, and having [Drake] on the sidelines for what I think would be a short NBA finals would add at least a little bit of intrigue to it.

Jrue Holiday is arguably the best defensive guard in the NBA

Drew [Jrue] Holiday... Drew might be known as maybe as the best defensive guard in the NBA. I'm glad you're on. No, I agree with that. Yeah, I absolutely agree with that. Yeah, I absolutely agree with that. Shut down Lillard in the playoffs last year.

In college basketball, you must 'plant a flag' and never lose games at home to build a real program

You just have to set that tone like you can't lose at home. If you're going to build a real program, you've got to plant a flag in your home arena.

Successful coaches must ignore contractual perks and focus solely on what wins games

[Bob Huggins] taught me: Worry about things that matter. A lot of guys in our business, they worry about what car they're getting with their contract. Things that have nothing to do with winning. Just focus on what you need to do to win.

Instagram and social media are creating a mental health crisis because people compare their real lives to others' highlights

There's so much hate on social media. People are... I think the soul is not used to it. People then comparing themselves to everyone's highlights and Instagram. Instagram ain't the real world.

The Giants don't operate with urgency; Gettleman isn't on the hot seat despite the Daniel Jones pick

No, because the Giants don't operate that way. Giants have more patience in the GM than any team... GMs. Their GM has always made the picks.

None of the 2019 quarterback prospects except Kyler Murray would have been first-rounders in the 2018 draft

And if you put... Any of those guys in last year's draft, I don't think any of them except Kyler would have been a first-round pick.