Takes

Kansas lacks the cohesiveness of Kansas State and Texas Tech heading into the Big 12 tournament

They're starting four freshmen right now... they don't have the cohesiveness, I think, that K-State and Texas Tech have going into this tournament this week.

Utah State is a sneaky mid-major dark horse to watch in the NCAA tournament

If you want a sneaky team, if they get in, and that's a sneaky mid-major, would be Utah State... Sneaky good team. Good coach, a lot of shooters, and a good young big man.

Raphael is the best and only cool Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

I'm a Raphael. Raphael was the bad boy who April had a crush on... Raphael was the one who would always get them in trouble because he was such a badass. Raphael was the one, he was like the guy who kind of, the straw that stirred the drink.

Boneless wings are just chicken nuggets

A boneless wing... It's a fun fact. They're not even wings... They're chicken nuggets.

The Giants are tanking a year too late

They're tanking a year too late from what they... Like, last year they should have, like you said, not given... they trotted out Eli Manning's corpse. You then didn't lose enough to be the number one pick this year and get Kyler Murray, so then you had to trade Odell Beckham to then get the picks so that you could then trade up for the number one pick that you could have had if you had just done what everyone said, just lose.

Mike Davis is a better fit for the Bears' offense than Jordan Howard

I don't know if [Mike Davis] is much more talented than Jordan Howard, but he's shown an ability to catch footballs, which makes him a better fit [for the Bears].

Rich people are the last people who need college degrees

I think the worst part about this, and it reinforces something that I think a lot of people already know, is that if you're rich, you are the last person who needs a college degree. It's somebody who's very poor that would find value in having the degree.

No joke is truly offensive because the intent of a joke makes it benign

There's a big kind of intellectual theory around this about benign violation and the idea that no joke is offensive because it's a joke. Because as soon as you put it in that space where you go, okay, it's cancer... But as soon as you make a joke about it, you put it into a space where you go, it's benign. It's actually, it's okay, and it's got no power over us.

Individualism is a relatively new and terrifying concept for human beings

We've never been more connected... And the reason podcasts, I think, are so huge is because people are desperate for conversation... We're built to live in tribes... The idea of individualism is comparatively new and terrifying. It just doesn't work for human beings. We feel incredibly alienated.

Comedians should never apologize for a joke

You never have to apologize for a joke. Just on policy, you go, well, I was standing on stage saying that to make people laugh. I'm a drug dealer is what I do for a living. I'm trying to get people [endorphins].

NFL RedZone has 'ruined' the traditional way of watching football

No, Red Zone actually made it better. It's unbelievable, but it's ruined football. No, I agree with you. Have you ever tried to watch a football game having seen Red Zone? Yeah, it's tough. You should go, wow, this is boring... your brain has just become this like... Touchdown, touchdown, touchdown. Every single play has got to be a big play.

Antonio Brown is the hero to the working man

[Antonio Brown] is the hero to the working man... he basically signed a contract two years ago, got a bunch of guaranteed money, when the guaranteed money ran out he's like 'I want a new deal' and then he got it.

I bet Alex Rodriguez paid exactly $1 million for Jennifer Lopez's engagement ring even if it cost less

I have a theory about the ring that he gave [Jennifer Lopez]. I think that [Alex Rodriguez] paid exactly $1 million for it. That would be such an [Alex Rodriguez] move, right? He goes in the drawer, and they're like, 'this ring is $600,000.' He's like, 'let me just pay you $1 million for it.'

I will fight Jose Canseco in Alex Rodriguez's honor

Jose Canseco's coming at [Alex Rodriguez]. I'm going to have to fight Jose Canseco... I will fight him. I will fight in [Alex Rodriguez's] honor.

Adnan Syed is definitely guilty

The one you're talking about [Serial] came out five years ago about Adnan Syed. Who I think is really, really guilty. But for some reason, they just... I don't know. He just seems like it was a show about a guy that was guilty that had very charming murderer.

Many NBA players are insecure because of the constant criticism on social media

I feel like a lot of guys are very insecure. And that's what social media kind of does a little bit. You always see bad, I mean, you see good things, but you see a lot of bad things... being open to that much criticism on a day-in and day-out basis can kind of fuck with your mind.

Detroit sports fans are better than L.A. fans because they are more 'locked in'

I actually really do like the sports fans [in Detroit]. There's good sports fans in L.A., but there's so much stuff going on that people don't really care that much. So Detroit, when you're rolling, it feels like everywhere you go, people know what's going on. They know whether you lost last night. I love fans that actually know what's going on.

Steve Ballmer's attempt to shake my hand before our game was a PR stunt and I didn't like it

I saw [Steve Ballmer], but I'm just like, I'm already done... He wanted [the handshake] for cameras. Absolutely cool. And yeah, I just didn't like it.

If I were Zion Williamson, I would play again for Duke this season

Yeah, I would play. At the end of the day, you've got to play basketball. I totally get it. If he wanted to sit out, I wouldn't be like, 'oh, that's BS.' If he wants to sit out, cool, but I personally would play.

The NBA's one-and-done rule should be abolished

[The one-and-done rule] should go away. A hundred percent.

The NFL should replace all officials with combat veterans and Navy SEALs

Jay Glazer... has maybe the greatest idea ever. Hire all new officials—all combat veterans, special operations backgrounds, go hire a bunch of Navy SEALs, Marine Recon, Delta Force, those guys. They literally can react faster than the rest of the world, even when bullets are flying... and also coaches will be a little less inclined to rip into them out on the sideline.

I will never change my clocks for Daylight Savings again as a test of mental strength

I didn't change any of my clocks in my house, and I made it. It's so satisfying when it turns back. It's just like a battle of strength and wit against my own brain.

LeBron James passing Michael Jordan's scoring record felt hollow because it happened on a terrible Lakers team

Obviously LeBron's career is unassailable at this point... But don't you think it felt a little hollow, the fact that he's doing it on a terrible Lakers team? If it happened in Cleveland, it would have been a lot bigger of a moment in my mind.

Charlie Casserly's criticism of Kyler Murray's leadership is a direct contradiction of his past views

Already Charlie Casserly has contradicted himself. People definitely question Baker Mayfield's leadership, his maturity, the ball grabbing, all these things... [Kyler Murray] has literally lost two games in his entire life playing football from high school on.

Steph Curry is the most disrespected superstar in the NBA by his own peers

I think [Steph Curry] is the most disrespected by his peers superstar, which is weird... I feel like a lot of the athletes hate Steph. In some way, it's some bad thing because he had this awesome upbringing... it felt like all five of these guys had ad campaigns built on addressing the haters.

The Lakers' failure to trade for Anthony Davis backfired because they made the process too nasty

I get that they thought they had to go nuclear to get Anthony Davis out of there because you can't ask nicely for a trade. You have to make it nasty, and those guys tried to make it nasty, and it backfired for a million different reasons.

The Denver Nuggets are actually a good basketball team, not just a regular season mirage

No, the Nuggets are good. I just can't take them seriously until... I just have a hard time with things that are new. [But] the Nuggets are legit.

I could beat up Steph Curry and Klay Thompson in a fight

I don't think Klay would care. Klay would be like, dude, I'm just going to tap out. Is that cool? ... Steph, the thing is, is what if Steph beats me? ... I don't think Steph would beat you. I think you could use your dialing... I'm going to give you two and a half out of five [starters].

The Chicago Bears should not have signed a kicker whose literal last name is 'Blewett'

Bears signed Blewett to help kicking woes. And that's a headline. Wait, your kicker, what's his name? Why the fuck did we do this? That's the dumbest thing ever... You can't sign a guy named Blewett.

Kyrie Irving's weird behavior is just a quarter-life crisis

My take on this is that Kyrie Irving, he's 26 years old, and I think this is actually a very relatable thing. Stars are just like us. The quarter-life crisis. Kyrie Irving's going through his quarter-life crisis. Everyone hits that point in your mid to late 20s where you're like, what's the meaning of life?

The Giants are crazy for letting Landon Collins walk for nothing

My hot seat is the New York Giants. So they won't franchise tag Landon Collins. They're going to let him walk. The guy who's 25 years old, made three Pro Bowls, seems to be like the heart of the locker room. So the Giants are letting him walk. And essentially, I think the Giants' plan is to just keep paying Eli forever.

Tom Brady is definitively the best quarterback of all time

The best quarterback of all time would be Tom Brady. That would be my opinion. Well, I would back it up with facts. The facts are he's won six Super Bowls. I do have two sources that have confirmed that Tom Brady is the best quarterback of all time. My left eye and my right eye.

Jason Witten returning to the Cowboys was the best move for him personally

Honestly, this was the best thing for him to do. Now, the people that didn't like him as a broadcaster, they're happy. Dallas is thrilled. It was a great move on his part.

DK Metcalf's 1.6% body fat is a huge red flag

1.6% body fat is actually a huge red flag for me. Have a burger, man. You're a psycho if you have 1.6% body fat.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future

Good indication of the sport of the future. I saw that highlight on my feed more than baseball, rugby, basketball, any other sport.

Jason Witten was essentially fired by ESPN

Jason Witten just got fired. Let's just call it what it is. If he was good at his job, he would not have gone back. I think ESPN was essentially like, dude, we're not saying you're fired, but... you're fired.

Prime 47 is a better steakhouse than St. Elmo's in Indianapolis

Prime 47 versus St. Elmo's. I have Prime 47. I thought St. Elmo's is you go for the shrimp cocktail, but after that, the menu doesn't have a lot to offer.

The NFL should replace the onside kick with a 4th and 15 conversion attempt

The onside kick is pretty much dead with the new rules, I do think they've got to come up with something. Give a team a chance. Maybe you've got to convert a fourth and 15 or something or a fourth and 12 or something just to get the ball back and regain possession.

Lamar Jackson's NFL success represents a 'revolution' not 'evolution'

Our job is to make sure that we do everything we can to create this offense. And I would say that, well, the league has never seen before since, like, 1950. So, like, we have to, you know, what comes around goes around. It's not evolution. It's revolution.

Joe Flacco was elite — elite guy, elite person, absolutely

Was [Joe Flacco] elite? Elite. Elite guy. Elite person. Absolutely.

The NFL should implement a 'Sky Judge' official in the press box

Let's put an official up in the box. He doesn't have to be a replay guy. Just make him the sky judge. Let him officiate the game from up there too. Just the big stuff, just the clear, obvious stuff.

The 2011 Ravens were more talented than the 2012 Super Bowl team

Really, that was probably our best team, 2011. The most talented team. We were probably better than the 2012 team.

Kyler Murray is officially draftable on my board because he measured at 5'10"

So 5'10", I like him now. He is draftable. He moved up my big board. He is still undraftable for John Elway, like eight inches too short. John Elway even said that. He was like, yeah, he's... You can't get him under center.

Jason Witten's return to the NFL is a genius move to save his broadcasting legacy

What Jason Witten has just pulled off... with the one year of broadcasting that he did. And he was bad. He was very bad. He is now going back to the NFL, and now he can forever be the guy where, well, he never got his second year, so we don't know. The jury's still out on whether or not Jason Witten is bad, and history will be kind to him and not mock him.

Peyton Manning's low eyes-to-forehead ratio would make him great in the booth

I actually think [Peyton Manning] would be very, very good in the booth. You talk about a guy with low eyes. He sets the record for lowest eyes to forehead ratio.

A coach trying to be someone they aren't, like Bill Belichick, is what hurts them most

Trying to be who you're not hurts you. If you try to be Bill Belichick, there's only one Bill Belichick. You can't be that guy. So if your team is practicing outside, when you have an indoor practice bubble, even though it's freezing outside and the players hate it, you're trying to be Belichick. You're not being Matt Patricia. Be who you are.

Bill Belichick now enjoys draft building and roster construction more than coaching

Somebody in the league told me this. They said, I think Belichick enjoys the draft building part of the process now more than he does coaching. Which is weird, right? Because this was his best coaching job ever. This past year.

Antonio Brown is a 'quitter' and I wouldn't give up more than a third-round pick for him

What would I give up for him? The third round pick. That's it? No more. I tend to agree with you. He quit. He quit. He's a quitter. Let me say it again. He's a quitter. If I'm on his team and the Steelers players weren't happy about it, he quit on them. So do you want that in your building?

Eli Manning didn't play as poorly in 2018 as the media portrays

Eli didn't play that bad last year. He did not. He did not. Dude, sir. The team stopped. His line was awful. I said he didn't play as poorly as you guys are portraying.

The Boston Celtics are a complete dumpster fire

Celtics are a complete dumpster fire. I don't really have any championship spin zones. I don't really have any optimistic to say about them. I'm kind of just hoping that it's like one of those things where they're just going through the motions in the regular season.