Takes

Bill Belichick's girlfriend being copied on all North Carolina emails is a sign of shadow coaching

Belichick is telling all the North Carolina officials to copy his girlfriend on any emails that they send him... she's apparently very smart philosopher, right? He's asking his bosses to copy her on all the emails... Is she the shadow coach at UNC?

The Chiefs are guaranteed to win the Super Bowl now that they have cut Kadarius Toney.

Kadarius Toney has been cut. Oh no. Yeah. So the Chiefs just became Super Bowl champs. This is also very bad news for anybody that's playing against the Chiefs because Kadarius Toney was one of your better players if you were playing against the Chiefs last year. Just by him no longer being on the Chiefs, what was his WAR? It was probably like minus two last year.

The NFL is literally rigged for money and views

NFL is rigged for views for money. Yeah. It is... They literally changed the rule book to make offense better. Correct? Yes. It is, it is rigged for money.

Stetson Bennett complaining about handcuffs during his arrest is a red flag for his pain tolerance in the NFL

I'm reviewing his body cam footage of his arrest and I, the only thing I didn't like about it was how he bitched about when they put his handcuffs on. He just kept, the first thing he did was complain about how painful the handcuffs were. And I'm like, look man, like pain is temporary, if you get banged up in the game and you start complaining like get your mentals like broken. ... if he's, if you know, if he's got a low pain tolerance, that's one thing.

Coach K is the biggest front-running fraud of all time

Coach K is the biggest front-running fraud of all time. Not to brag, but we called it. It was a one game. Hank, they lost to Michigan State. They got killed by Illinois. And then Coach K said, we got to reassess and start really thinking about this COVID thing.

Bill Belichick might be stashing impact starters on a 'shadow team' via COVID opt-outs

I think that the Patriots might be putting together like a shadow team. Just getting through camp and he's got all these guys that he knows wants to be impact starters. He's like, they're gonna be my shadow team. They're going to stay healthy and then I'm going to bring them in... That's just me being too woke because Belichick is always up to something.

Flavored 'Water for Dogs' is a billion-dollar business idea

I came up with a billion dollar idea maybe quadrillion or trillion dollar idea: its water for dogs... why not a little flavored water for your dog? So you can either go with the Savory option and have it be like a bacon flavored water or bone broth water.

I think Antonio Brown might be on the autism spectrum because of his helmet fixation

Maybe he might be autistic because this is something like seriously. This is something that an autistic person would get very attached to their helmet. Like it's their tool that they use... maybe he's got Asperger's.

LeBron James should go to jail for giving his kids wine

Hot take, LeBron James should definitely go to jail, and this is the worst parenting move of all time, and I cannot believe that he is poisoning his children. I'm disgusted. I deleted my screensaver of LeBron James in a Lakers uniform, and I'll probably never watch NBA again.

The 'Green Zone' on-field graphic will save the NFL's TV ratings

Breaking moves. I think the NFL has figured out how to save their ratings in their league. The green zone. It's a new feature they rolled out tonight. It's on third downs. It shows you how far players will have to go at any point during the play to get a first down.

There is an oversaturation of dogs on social media

I'm getting on the borderline of getting sick of the oversaturation of dogs on Twitter.

Russell Wilson has never actually had sex

I'm a Russell Wilson sex truther. I don't think that Russell Wilson's actually had sex. If he has, it's probably through a sheet. He's just not cool enough to have sex.

Tom Brady can't tell Kevin Durant what it's like to be a black superstar in Boston

And Tom Brady is going to be able to tell Kevin Durant what it's like to be a big black superstar in the city of Boston. Wait. No, wait, hold on.

Grit has been co-opted and ruined by Harvard researchers and psychologists

I've seen over the past, like two years, the pussification of grit in America. Like grit has been co-opted by Harvard researchers, by doctors, by psychologists... It's people trying to teach grit. People who have like a silver spoon in their mouths, a doctor in front of their name, trying to tell me what it means to be gritty.