Takes

Wide receivers wearing single-digit jersey numbers is wrong

Julio Jones, he's wearing number two in Tennessee. I'm still not comfortable on a personal level with wide receivers wearing single digits. It's going to fuck my brain up... Number two is a bad kicker or a slow quarterback.

Winning Super Bowl 53 means Rob Gronkowski has three rings because of rounding rules

If Gronk had lost that Super Bowl, he'd still have one Super Bowl ring, but winning that Super Bowl means he has three... if you weigh 250 pounds, you can say, I'm pretty much 300 pounds... everybody would be like, yeah, you definitely look like you weigh 300 pounds.

Mike Wilbon thinks analytics have hijacked baseball

Wilbon... actually thinks that we're under an analytics hijacking... Analytics have hijacked his sport, baseball. And he says that we've gone so far and we undervalue wins. He doesn't care about ERA... He cares about wins.

Von Miller is so fast that you have to make a 'business decision' to avoid him

Newton's first law is when Von Miller is diving at you, make a business decision. I actually fully buy in on the Al Davis, let's just get all the fastest guys... speed kills.

'I had diarrhea' and 'Our country's national debt' are the two best excuses of all time

Listen, as far as I'm concerned, the two best excuses of all time are, I had diarrhea. Nobody asks you any more details. ... and, hey, do you know how much money we owe to China? What the fuck does it matter?

If you fly one drone into your finger, you're a drone idiot for the rest of your life

Trevor [Bauer], the old saying goes, you can build a million bridges, but if you fly one drone into your finger, you're a drone idiot for the rest of your life.

The boat picture officially jinxed the New York Giants franchise

The Giants are 1-9 and have been outscored by 113 points since the famous boat picture... Even Cam Newton knew you had to get on board the Titanic... I am fully on board with the theory that the boat totally jinxed the entire franchise for the Giants.

Andrew Luck is the NFL's version of Derrick Rose

Andrew Luck, by the way, is now... He's, like, almost, he's not Derrick Rose, but, like, there's that semblance of, like, he could just have a random surgery at any moment without an injury happening

Kobe Bryant retiring both numbers is the most 'Kobe' story ever

Kobe Bryant, they're going to retire both of his numbers. That is the most Kobe story I have ever heard... Kobe Bryant, they're going to retire both of his numbers. [Jordan] is one number. No, but it's two separate numbers in different locations. Different teams.

LaVar Ball is on a mission to sell the shittiest products for the highest prices possible

I think LaVar Ball is on a mission to sell the shittiest products for the highest prices possible. Yes, the least desirable products. It's actually a smart move of him, though, to limit the number that he could sell this time.

Twitter is a perfect representation of what is going on in the world and decides major decisions

Twitter decides major, major important decisions. Twitter is a really good testament to what is going on in the world. Right. Great representation. Everything that everyone's exactly.

The more high fives a basketball team gives, the better they are

Earl the Pearl says that they're going to start tracking players' high fives... Naturally, the more high fives you give, the better you are.

The Royals' praying mantis should be burned to kill their team's mojo

I'm just saying it'd be a real shame if someone snuck into their dugout and dropped a match in there and watched the, what's it, a terrarium? ... If you're trying to get rid of their mojo... That's a direct correlation.

Ichiro's hits in Japan should not count toward his career total vs. Pete Rose

Sabermetrically speaking, do hits in Japan count the same as Major League Baseball hits? I would say no... Those hits don't count in the United States. Neither should Ichiro's.