Takes

Bill Clinton using 'anxiety management' as an excuse for oral sex is an all-time spin zone

Bill Clinton said today... that he received oral sex in the white house because it was managing his anxiety... mental health is kind of buzzing right now. Like guys can talk about this. He saw Tyson cry and he's like, you know what? Yeah, I got sucked off because I was anxious.

Mark McGwire's claim that he didn't need PEDs for 70 home runs is ridiculous

Mark McGwire has come out out of nowhere and said that he didn't need PEDs to hit 70 home runs. He could have done it without him. All I got from this is Mark McGwire did PEDs. Sammy Sosa now was the home run king in 1998 with 66 home runs. It is hilarious to look at a picture of Mark McGwire on the A's and then look at a picture of Mark McGwire on the Cardinals.

I believe ghosts are real

I actually completely believe this. Like, I'm a big ghost guy. I believe ghosts. If you don't believe ghosts, I think you're full of shit. And, I mean, we saw a ghost in Miami.

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jaguars than the starter

It's better to be the backup quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars than the starting quarterback. He's not going to have all that stress, so he's not going to lose his hair as fast.

Roger Goodell punishing Josh Gordon by not letting him play for the Browns is actually doing him a favor

Telling a player that your punishment is that you don't have to play for the Cleveland Browns is probably a little bit misguided. So, like, hey, good for Josh. He doesn't have to be a Brown.

Lane Kiffin took the FAU job to prevent himself from 'cucking' other men

If he wants to go fuck any guy's wife, it's probably like a 100-year-old woman, so he's not going to do it. It's kind of like... self-limiting behavior. Lane Kiffin's not going to go to a place where he just wants to cuck every dude he sees. It's like if you're an alcoholic, go take a job in Utah.

Calling Ryan Tannehill a game manager is a huge compliment

Ryan Tannehill, if you walk up to Ryan Tannehill, I'm like, hey, Ryan. Your game manager, he's got to say thank you, right? Yep. Absolutely. That's a great, great thing to be for Ryan Tannehill at this point in his career.

If you never get a medical test, you don't officially have the condition

I support Dez Bryant. I think if you don't get the STD test, you don't have an STD. ... It's like saying if you don't go to the doctor for over a decade, you're not obese and you're not in danger of health or heart disease.

Rex Ryan got his lap band removed to win more games

Rex Ryan got his lap band out. And he said that it's because he won more football games as a fat guy... This is what happened here was Rob and Rex went out for Buffalo Wings like every single Sunday... and he was just sick of puking... I'm going to go through surgery just so I can eat some more.

People should be fired for being bad at Twitter

I hope that this happens more in the future. Just people get fired because they suck at Twitter, not because they say anything offensive or because they break a law or anything, just because they suck at the platform.

LeBron James lacks grit because he peaked in high school

LeBron has no grit, but it's not from his own – it's not his own fault... I think that LeBron's just been screwed over. Like I said, the guy peaked in high school and... he was back in, like, 11th, 12th grade being put in the center of the universe.

Robert Nkemdiche would be a Vine superstar if he landed on a beer pong table when he fell out of a window

If there was a beer pong table that [Robert Nkemdiche] landed on, he'd be a Vine superstar. If anything, he just did it a little too early.

Johnny Manziel going to the Denver Broncos makes sense

We're the first people that we heard say Johnny Manziel would make sense in Denver. And I think we're now proving it. Von Miller and Johnny Manziel getting their act together together.