Takes

Rob Gronkowski needs to be in the Super Bowl halftime show

Jay-Z, I know you're a listener. Put Gronk in the Super Bowl halftime show. ... He needs to be in the halftime show.

Luke Willson would not work well in Bill Belichick's system

I don't think the Belichick system would work too well with him [Luke Willson].

The awarding of the World Cup to Qatar was definitely not above board

The former president of FIFA was arrested because it turns out the awarding of the World Cup to Qatar or Qatar may not have been above board. Oh, you think? No doy.

The Bosa family are made of silk because they are so injury prone

The Bosa family, they're kind of doofies, doofuses, doofi? ... If you did a 23andMe on the Bosa family jeans, it's like 15% Anglo-Saxon and then 85% silk. Torn hamstrings. They're just made out of silk. Their hamstrings are Ming vases.

Nick Saban definitely uses the internet and is lying about it

I think he does have all those things... I just feel like that's a guy who has the internet who's ashamed of having the internet... he always says rat poison... how does he find this stuff out if he doesn't have the internet?

Crime reports should always include which sports team the criminal supports

Every time a crime's committed in America, every time there's a report about it in the news, they should just say what teams the people who committed the crimes liked. That'd be great. ... It just adds like a little bit of levity to every headline that you get. Like Steelers fan murdered his whole family. ... Classic Steelers. So funny.

Jim Harbaugh's parents rooted for John in the Super Bowl because Jim would be unbearable with a ring

I bet you his parents were rooting for John to win that Super Bowl. Because Jim Harbaugh with a Super Bowl ring over John would be unbearable at any family gathering from that point on. He would wear it every Thanksgiving.

Roger Goodell is ducking Foxborough by choosing to attend the NFC Championship game

Goodell... We predicted it. This was a shocker, actually. I thought Goodell would think better of it and go to Foxborough and get spit on by our boss. But it turns out, I guess, he's Will Panson. He's afraid of some bad people from New England.

LeBron's leadership and teammates calling Tristan Thompson 'Tris Kardashian' caused his breakup with Khloe

LeBron's leadership... people on the team were calling him Tris Kardashian, and you can't have that sort of fraction in the locker room. [LeBron's] crime syndicate is to blame for this.

Robert Griffin III looks hilarious when he gets injured

I'm just going to say it... Robert Griffin looks hilarious when he gets injured. The dude is like, he's all arms and legs. He looks like Stretch Armstrong. Even when he's not getting injured, he looks like he's about to get injured. His body is shaped like an asterisk.

LSU does not have a good quarterback and will continue to struggle passing the ball

Turns out LSU doesn't have a good quarterback. Oh, you think? No doy. The 10,000th year that Les Miles has a quarterback that can't throw the ball.

CBS firing Mike Carey because of internet meanness sets a terrible precedent

But what CBS has done here is it sets a terrible precedent. Yes. Because if you cave into the Internet once, oh, boy, that's a lot of power that you're giving... CBS basically said we can get anyone on their staff fired.

Nick Saban is a spiteful, vindictive, irrational baby of a man

So you're saying that Nick Saban is a spiteful, vindictive, irrational baby of a man? You think? No doy. I like that this guy actually thought like he was going to just tell Nick Saban he's quitting. And Nick would be like, you know what? Best of luck to you, man.

You don't give Nick Saban a two-week notice; you sneak out in the middle of the night and tweet that you're leaving

You don't put in a two weeks notice at Alabama. That's a move where you slip the janitor 50 bucks to get in in the middle of the night and you just take all your shit out and then you tweet the fact that you're leaving to Nick Saban. That's how you leave.

Iggy Azalea's music career is over because she pivoted away from pop hits to 'true' rap

She took a left turn and started her true rap career. That's when you get cheated on, when you go away from your moneymaker and everyone's like, oh, shit, she's a really bad rapper.

It is worth breaking your elbow to save your phone from falling on the ground

[Darren McFadden] got [injured] trying to grab his phone because he dropped his phone. That's worth breaking your elbow for. Anyone who's broken their phone before knows if I put in front of you elbow or phone, you're taking elbow over phone all day.