I hope Nyquist the horse dies because his Twitter account is run by a nerd

I now am fascinated with Nyquist the horse... I hope Nyquist dies. I'll say it. Biggest piece of shit horse. And you know what, Nyquist? That's your horse owner's fault for running a shitty Twitter account. I wouldn't have wished death on you if you just had a semi-normal person running her Twitter account.

Gorillas are more valuable than humans because they are the patriarch of human invention

Technically humans, all those things that are invented by humans, humans are invented by gorillas, right? Like evolution. So wouldn't you say that gorillas are more valuable than humans? They're the patriarch of all those things. They're basically God.

Nick Saban will shiv and gut Jim Harbaugh to win football games

I have a feeling Jim Harbaugh thinks that this is like a fight that can just be played out on the field. And then next thing you know, Nick Saban's going to shiv him in to the side and gut him to death. But literally. Nick Saban will stab a man if it means winning more football games.

The Brewers have the World Series sealed

I think the Brewers have this thing sealed up after an insane Monday night where they were just awesome.

There will be no MLB lockout

They'll figure it out. There's too much at stake. They'll figure it out. It's not 1994 anymore. They'll figure it out.

A 24-team College Football Playoff is starting to make sense

I'm starting to grow on it. My problem is, I'm thinking about it in just this year where we actually had parity.