Todd Gurley lacks commitment to his potential pet cats

He's been engaged to getting a cat for way too long. People are starting to ask questions, Todd. They're saying, is this wedding ever going to happen? Lack of commitment from Todd Gurley.

Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James

I think MJ's better. [LeBron] is one of those crybabies. Yes, I do.

I was legally arrested at Super Bowl Opening Night

According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary, the definition of arrest is to take or keep in custody by authority of law. Boom. I was arrested.

Garrett Bolles should catch a pass before he retires

I want to be able to bet on Garrett Bolles to have one reception in every game. Because I feel like Sean Payton is going to try to get him that touch. He definitely will because he doesn't want him to retire as the guy who never touched the ball.

The Eagles' offense might be better without A.J. Brown

I actually think that the offense might be better without A.J. Brown.

The Chargers should eliminate their kicking game and go for it every time

The Chargers should just not have a punter. They should not have a kicker. They shouldn't even have like a long snapper on the team. Use those positions on somebody else and you're just—burn the boats. You're just going for it all the time. Fuck it. Who cares? Right? Season's over. Might as well try to score some points.