If they cancel March Madness, I will intentionally contract coronavirus the next day

If they cancel March Madness—I'm not talking about playing it with no fans—if they cancel it outright, I will get coronavirus the next day. I do not want to be healthy in a world where March Madness does not exist.

Intentionally contracting coronavirus is healthier than a normal March Madness routine

I think that intentionally contracting coronavirus at the start of March Madness is probably healthier on our bodies than what we normally do to it during March Madness, which is just live off nothing but chicken wings and delicious, copious amounts of Michelob Ultra.

Darren Rovell is legitimately losing his mind

Rovell is kind of a misunderstood but nice guy. I think he's losing it—like he is legit losing his mind. He's on a bender from non-alcoholic beer. This is what happens when you drink like 12 a day for a week straight.

I will never learn my lesson and will continue to believe in the Houston Cougars for the next four years

If you think this is going to deter me from believing in the Houston Cougars for the next four years, you are sadly mistaken. I will never learn my lesson when it comes to this team.

I'm glad I missed Peyton Manning's birthday because he has enough people sucking his dick

I'm glad I missed Peyton Manning's birthday by the way. Fuck, fuck that guy. He's got enough people to suck his dick and wish him a happy birthday. Awful announcing quote that. I hope I do it again next year.

Nate Oats would not be a great fit at UNC

I don't think he'd be a great fit there. Would people be talking about Nate Oats as much for this job if he didn't wear those jackets? They feel like Carolina jackets. It feels like he's been accepting people into anticipating him being the next UNC coach for a while.