Takes

The Saints, Steelers, and Patriots all winning is a can't-lose parlay

There's no chance the Saints lose at home to the Panthers... The Steelers are not going to lose to the Bengals because Mason Rudolph has never lost a game after he's been accused of saying something racist... and the Patriots will beat the Cowboys because all you got to know about the Patriots Cowboys game is Jason Garrett verse Bill Belichick.

Always bet the over when Joe Buck is calling the game

I'll tie this right into our picks for the weekend. It makes me have to take the over in the Cowboys Patriots game... Joe Buck is I'm pretty sure is going to be announcing it... you always bet the over when Buck's calling.

The Bills -4 against the Broncos is a thermite accelerant flaming lock of the week

This one's going to be my thermite accelerant flaming lock of the week. So this is a big fucking fire. It's the Buffalo fucking bills -4 at home against the Broncos.

The Packers are frauds and their defense is a fraud

I convinced myself the Packers are frauds every single week until they win the Super Bowl and then I cry in a puddle... I think their defense is a fraud.

The Jets +3 against the Raiders is the start of a run to the playoffs

My Underdog is the Jets... Jets plus 3 the run the table. Yeah, they're good. We're in the middle the early stages the table runner. Yes, but I think that they could handle the business at home.

The Seahawks +1 against the Eagles is the walkiest line of the year

I'll take the Seahawks plus 1. Russell Wilson is an underdog 23:7 and one against the spread in his career. It's this is the walkie east line of the year.

Derek Carr is close to keeping his job long-term in Las Vegas

I've actually think Derek Carr is very close to keeping his job in his house next to Jon Gruden in Las Vegas.

If the Raiders beat the Bengals by 20 points, they are a playoff team

I'm kind of in on the Raiders making the playoffs... if the Raiders win by 20 points or more I think playoff Town. Yeah. I'm on playoff Town Raiders.

The Patriots will beat the Eagles by at least seven points

I'm going to take the Patriots... minus three and a half. It is the classic. I think I wouldn't be surprised if they lose. So I'm going to take them because I mean they'll probably win by 7 plus.

The Pittsburgh Steelers will beat the Rams outright

And then the juicy one, the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to beat the Rams outright.

Baker Mayfield has a broken hand

Baker's hand might be broken. That's why he's not playing so well... Are you reporting that Baker Mayfield might have a broken hand? From sources.

The Falcons will win outright against the Saints

My platinum six star under... Falcons are going to be scoring a lot. They're going to win the game.

A Rams, Colts, and Packers moneyline parlay cannot lose this week

Here's the can't lose parlay. The Rams, they're not going to lose to the Bengals... The Colts are at home against the Broncos. They're not going to lose... The Packers are not going to lose to Matt Moore.

Playing Patrick Mahomes against the Packers would be Andy Reid's dumbest decision

If Andy Reid plays Patrick Mahomes, this will go down as the dumbest decision that he's ever made in a career that's been largely defined by singular dumb decisions that he's made during games.

The Bears will kill the Chargers this weekend

I think the Bears are going to kill the Chargers. I do... They will win this game easily because the Chargers' offense has problems. Their offensive line has problems. The Chargers are a soft football team.

The Chiefs will beat the Packers outright without Patrick Mahomes

What do you think the line would be if Mahomes was playing?... I think they're going to win outright.

The Giants, Niners, and Seahawks will all win to complete a 'Can't Lose Parlay'

I got the Giants... I got the Niners guaranteed... and I got the Seahawks against the F-word Ravens frauds.

Kirk Cousins will have a typical 'bad' game against the Lions with one TD and two INTs

This feels to me like a Cousins one touchdown to two interceptions game, maybe get Adam Thielen killed on a cross route... a very hilarious fumble six.

Pete Carroll is the number one 'Dap' coach in the NFL

Number one dap coach would be, I think it's Pete Carroll... I don't think he's ever missed when he's like that.

The Rams, Ravens, and Cowboys moneyline parlay cannot lose

My can't-lose parlay: the Rams moneyline, the Ravens moneyline, the Cowboys moneyline. I think that's plus odds... I don't see how a single one of those losses. Grams... that is a hungry dog run fast... Rams need it. Ravens will not lose just put that one away to play the Bengals and the Cowboys will not lose their playing the Jets.

The 49ers might not be good because they lost fullback Kyle Juszczyk

The 49ers lost a very key component to their attack in Monday night. They lost their fullback Kyle Juszczyk... they're going to struggle to fill that role because Juszczyk is really, really good. Correct, and they use them in a way that is kind of key to their offense.

The Redskins should never be favored by 3.5 points against anyone

The Redskins shouldn't be three and a half point favorites against anyone. And then you can make yours even if you lose and the Redskins win by 14 you're like: Guess what? I'd do it again because the Redskins shouldn't be three and a half point favorites against anyone.

My 'Can't Lose' Parlay for Week 5 is the Bears, Eagles, Patriots, and Chiefs

The Can't Lose Parlay of the week. It cannot lose. Drumroll. The Bears, Khalil Mack, revenge game. Philly, they're not losing to the Jets. The Patriots, they're not losing to the Redskins. And then you get to just sit back and enjoy the Sunday night football game and have the Chiefs.

The Ravens are severely overrated

I do think the Ravens are severely overrated. ... They've done a major comeback to earth for the last couple weeks.

The Titans will win and win convincingly against the Falcons

If a Mike Vrabel coached team is an underdog and people are counting them out, that's when you bet on them. So just take them because this is a game that the Titans will win and win convincingly.

Patrick Mahomes will throw for 6,000 yards

He's still going to throw for 6,000 yards. When I say he's taken a step back, I mean he went from 100 out of 100 to like 99.5 out of 100.

My 'No-Lose' Parlay: Colts, Chiefs, and Rams Moneyline

This is going to be my no-lose parlay of the week... Colts, no chance they lose to the Raiders. Chiefs, no chance they lose to the Lions. Rams, no chance they lose to the Bucs... It will not lose. And if it does, pretend that you don't know me.

The Chiefs will cover -6.5 against the Ravens

I will go with... The Chiefs, minus six and a half, because are we sure the Ravens are as good as they think? I don't think that we are sure. They beat the Dolphins, who stink, and they barely beat the Cardinals on the road.

The Packers and Broncos will hit the under 43

I'm taking the Packers and Broncos under 43. The Broncos last 10 games, 10 unders. And the Packers defense is good. I think that's going to be the easiest under of the week.

I am betting the Jets +6.5 against the Browns on Monday Night Football

I'm going to take the Jets on Monday night. Are you really? Yeah. Dude, this is a classic situation where everyone freaks out and everyone's like, oh, Sam Darnold's out. The Jets stink now. And it's six and a half points. And Trevor Simmons, he might not win the game, but he'll be good enough to keep him around.

If the Bears lose to the Broncos and Joe Flacco, I will have a full-blown meltdown

I have been threatening all week that I will melt down if the Bears lose to the shitty Broncos and the even shittier Joe Flacco. If the Bears lose on Sunday. It's a meltdown. I'm promising a meltdown. I will stomp my feet. I will say mean things to people around me that I will later on regret... I might even cry a little. I'm going to yell at people. I'm going to tweet at people really mad. The Bears cannot lose this game.

The Patriots will cover -18.5 against the Dolphins

I know it's a crazy line. It's outrageous, but it's one of those things where there's going to be no better thrill than rooting for the Patriots to cover 18 and a half. I can unbiasedly tell you that the Patriots are going to cover 18 and a half.

The Bills will beat the Giants and cover -1.5

My favorite. I'm going to go with the Bills. Minus one and a half on the road. I like the Bills. I hate the Giants. I hate Pat Shurmur. I hate Eli Manning's stupid face in this game.

The Bengals will beat the 49ers and cover -2

I like the Bengals, minus two. I think the 49ers, a little bit of a fraudulent win week one. Their defense played well, but Jimmy Garoppolo did not... I think the Bengals, you saw it. They actually run a 2019 offense now... I think the Bengals are going to cover at home. Minus two.

The Lions' defense will 'fuck up' the Cardinals in Week 1

I think the Detroit Lions are Going to be a little bit better than people expect. I think their defense is going to be very good and I think their defense will fuck up the Cardinals week one. Kyler Murray not-ready-for-prime-time Detroit - two and a half.

The Dolphins will beat the Ravens in Week 1 because of 'Fitzmagic'

My dog is the Dolphins plus 6.5 against the Ravens at home. My seven-win Dolphins. Ryan Fitzmagic. It's early in the season. ... All I'm going off of is last year Ryan Fitzpatrick played well when he first got in.

The Dolphins will hit the Over on their 2019 win total

The fact that there was only one person that picked their team to finish with a worse record than Vegas, that means that we have to take the over for the Dolphins. We got to fucking hammer that over on Dolphins.

I'm taking the Colts +5 and the Over against the Chiefs

I would take the Colts plus five, and I would take the over. The Colts are 1-0, by the way... the over in this game, I love the over in this game because I don't - the Chiefs defense is so bad.

I'm taking the Cowboys to win or cover against the Rams

Cowboys at Rams. Rams are minus seven... I'm taking the Cowboys. And I'm just saying it out loud. I do this every single divisional round. I always overstate what I've seen from wildcard rounds. So in my mind, I always go to divisional round and say, well, the Cowboys are 1-0 in their last one, and the Rams haven't played in a week... So the Cowboys are hot.

I'm taking the Chargers to beat the Patriots

I love Phil Rivers in this game. I like their running game. I like their defense... I'm taking the Chargers, baby.

The Eagles will cover +8 and win against the Saints because of Nick Foles

I'm taking the Eagles. I'm taking all the underdogs this week... I feel like eight is too much. And Nick Foles, whatever's going on, I don't know... I just don't know how you can go against whatever the hell is going on with Nick Foles.

If the Cowboys are a legitimate NFC contender, they will beat the Bucs by 20+

If the Cowboys are a legitimate NFC contender, they beat the Bucs in this game by 20 plus. They bury Jameis Winston. They do not let him off the mat.

If the Texans get a first-round bye, they will go to the Super Bowl

I firmly believe that if the Texans get a bye, they will probably go to the Super Bowl. If they don't, no.

The Saints will 'kill' the Steelers

I think the Saints are going to kill the Steelers. The Saints, there's a lot of talk... oh, maybe not so good. They're not looking as great the last few weeks. They're at home. They're going to kill the Steelers. Mike Tomlin versus Sean Payton, enough said.

The 2018 Bears defense is statistically better in every category than the 1985 Bears

What I found was this team [2018 Bears] is statistically better in every single defensive category than the 1985 Chicago Bears. This is the best defensive team that Chicago has ever seen.

If Green Bay beats Chicago, they are going to the playoffs

Green Bay wins this game, and they're going to the playoffs. Because there are a lot of things that have to happen for Green Bay to make the playoffs, and they're all going to happen. But the big question mark is, can they win this game?

The Dolphins always lose the week after beating the Patriots

this game will be interesting because the Dolphins, after a win against the Patriots, they stink, historically. Last three games, three times they beat the Patriots. That's their Super Bowl. 24-16, they lost. 29-10, they lost. 19-0, they lost.

Mike Tomlin gets fired if the Steelers miss the playoffs

I think Mike Tomlin gets fired if they don't make the playoffs.

The Buccaneers will cover +7.5 against the Ravens

My walk of the week is going to be the Bucs. Maybe even sprinkle a little bit. The Bucs. [Against] The Ravens. Plus seven and a half.

The Panthers should cut Cam Newton if they lose to the Browns

Panthers, by the way... if you lose this, maybe cut Cam Newton. Cut him. Straight up cut him.