Takes

Number 56 makes a defensive end look the fastest on the field

I believe as a 32-year-old white defensive end, I would decide on picking the number that made me look the fastest. [Number 56].

Odell Beckham Jr. is actually a workmanlike professional who just goes about his business

I'm kind of on Odell's side here because those newspapers and all those media outlets have unfairly criticized him. He's just a guy who goes about his business, doesn't make things about him... Workmanlike. Punch in, punch out. So I'm on his side.

Mitch Trubisky should start early because the Tim Tebow model worked for John Fox

John Fox... just said he wants to start getting Mitch Trubisky as much experience as possible, as early as possible... because it worked really well when he got Tebow. All that experience right away.

Eddie Lacy is purposely sucking while in shape to prove he was better when he was fat

What's to say Eddie Lacy meets all his goals, gets in shape, and then purposely sucks? So everyone's like, wait, he was better when he was fat.

The Lombardi Trophy is the toughest trophy in sports to win

My number one is the Lombardi, actually. Toughest trophy in all sports to get.

J.J. Watt rejected the Top 100 players list only to show everyone how humble he is

J.J. responded to it and said, I only played three games last year. What a joke this list is. So J.J. gets it. He's going to make sure that everybody knows how humble he is. And he's rejecting the title of a top 100 player. While also letting everyone know that he made the top 100 list.

I am not officially retired from the NFL yet

No, what I'm doing right now is I'm taking time and figuring out what I want to do. Because I want to be 100% sure of the decision that I make. And I'm in no rush to do that. I'm not retired. And I'm not retired right now, and I'm not saying I'm going to retire. It's just one of those things where everything is still up in the air.

I am faster than Tom Brady

[Big Cat]: Who's faster, you or Tom Brady? [Wilfork]: Me. [Big Cat]: Is it even close? [Wilfork]: No. That's easy.

Bill Belichick is the greatest coach of all time because he can relate to his players

It's a reason that he's one of the great – he is the greatest coach of all time because he can relate to his players.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are the funniest long con in professional sports history

The Jacksonville Jaguars might be the funniest thing to ever occur in professional sports. This has been a long con. We've all been owned... It's like a Wes Anderson movie. It's like you don't really appreciate a Wes Anderson movie. That's what the Jaguars are saying to everyone. You don't look at it the right way.

The Browns hiring Ryan Grigson is a threat to the AFC North

My hot seat is the AFC North. And my reason why is because the Browns hired Ryan Grigson. So watch out... I'm very excited to see how Ryan Grigson can fuck up the Browns even more. It will be interesting. That's a great challenge for that guy.

I only have a Super Bowl ring because Jay Cutler got injured in the 2010 NFC Championship

I do thank Jay Cutler for getting hurt, and also B.J. Raji for being the fattest guy to ever score a touchdown in the NFC Championship... I think Aaron Rodgers is the only reason I have a Super Bowl ring, to be honest.

Justin Smith is the hardest player to block in NFL history

Currently Aaron Donald, all-time, probably Justin Smith... Dude, I mean, you can't judge toughness on a dude who has a giant Budweiser tattoo on his arm... Yeah, he was a bitch to block.

The 2017 Detroit Lions will finish the regular season 12-4

I'm going to say that we, in the regular season, let's say 12 and 4. [Big Cat: Guaranteed 12 wins.] [Graham: Guaranteed.]

The Detroit Lions will win the NFC North in 2017

I think we're going to win the division. Okay. I'll start there.

The Bengals will go 16-0 in 2017

We're going to win every game. [16-0 guaranteed].

Brock Osweiler helped his teams by keeping the defense on the field

The Texans had a really good defense. And so Osweiler did a great job of keeping their best unit on the field. [Same with the Broncos]. Brock Osweiler knows how to have his team play to its strengths by always keeping the defense on the field.

Russell Wilson should become a pharmacist to write Adderall prescriptions for the Seahawks defense

What if Russell goes back to school in the off-season? Here's what you do, Russ. Go to school, become a pharmacist. And then just write unlimited [Adderall] prescriptions.

Leonard Fournette’s parents are geniuses for naming both sons Leonard

If you're a parent out there, a new parent, and you're thinking about having a couple kids and you think one is going to probably be better than the other, name the shittier kid just Leonard so that all of his mistakes – Or anytime your good kid, the one that's your breadwinner, fucks up, you can just blame the shittier kid.

Toughness can be built like a callus and the human body craves contact

Think of it [toughness] like building a callus, you know, just like the human body. What a tremendous organism. I mean, it actually craves contact. I mean, it likes contact, craves it, as opposed to a car... So, yeah, much like conditioning can be improved, I mean, so can that callus of toughness and grit also be acquired or improved.

I still play football in my dreams

I play in dreams... I don't ever have any coaching dreams, but I have football dreams still, and I play. I play... Sometimes I'll be D1, but more and more, for some reason, I'm in the D3 now. I've got another year of eligibility.

Mike Zimmer should replace his eye with a glass eye featuring the Vikings logo

At some point, wouldn't a football guy just say, take the fucking eye out, put in a glass eye, and have it be the logo of whatever team I'm coaching?

Roger Goodell is keeping a hit list of players who celebrate to have them killed

I think Goodell is secretly letting the players do this [celebrate], but you know he's keeping a hit list. So if he sees a player go to ground or use the ball as a prop, heaven forbid, he's writing your name down on a sheet of paper and he's going to pay to have you killed.

Kevin Love should be the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns

Kevin Love should be the Browns quarterback. He does have unbelievable passing. He'll throw one or two a game where it's like, how the hell did he do that?

Mitchell Trubisky looks like the Jersey Shore version of Tim Tebow

If you look at Mitchell Trubisky, he looks like the Jersey Shore version of Tim Tebow. Just put that thought in your head for a while.

Tom Brady uses the concussion excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele

Or it could be Tom Brady just revealing that he uses the headache excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele. She's like, no, we never have sex anymore, so he always has head hurt. And Brady's like, yeah, I'm dealing with a lot of concussions, babe.

Jeff Fisher's name will be in the rumor mill for the Bears job next January

I cannot wait for [Jeff Fisher's] name to get back in the rumor mill. It's going to happen next January. The Bears. Yeah, when we're going to start getting some Jeff Fisher rumors, and I am so, so, so, so, so excited.

Robert Griffin III will definitely take pregnancy photos holding his girlfriend's stomach

Over under four and a half pictures of RG3 holding Greta's stomach on Instagram. [PFT]: Over. That's the easiest bet of all time. Smash that over... I would say like nine and a half is more like it.

Colin Kaepernick is being blackballed because his name is too difficult to spell

I actually think Colin Kaepernick's getting blackballed because his last name's annoying to spell. The whole A before E thing is very problematic. I mean, I always say cap because I don't want to spell it out and be wrong. So teams are probably like, you know what? We don't want all of our fans on Twitter to look like idiot fans by misspelling the quarterback's name.

The Raptors, Bengals, Capitals, and Mets have a 'stink' that makes them destined to lose

I actually do think there is something to be said for a franchise just having that stink where you're like, no matter what, no matter how good we are, we're probably going to lose. The Cubs had that. The Mets have it now. The Raptors... they're a joke until they win a title. The Bengals have the best team in the league, and you should be like, come on, it's the Bengals.

Roger Goodell punishing Josh Gordon by not letting him play for the Browns is actually doing him a favor

Telling a player that your punishment is that you don't have to play for the Cleveland Browns is probably a little bit misguided. So, like, hey, good for Josh. He doesn't have to be a Brown.

Alex Smith has had a long career of being, for the most part, shitty

He had a long career, and for the most part, he was shitty. [Alex Smith's] byline. That's Alex Smith's byline.

John Fox will be fired as Bears head coach by the end of the year

I think John Fox, I'm going to call it right now, he's going to get fired at the end of the year because Ryan Pace basically has built the team around someone else.

Roger Goodell is embracing the heel role and is an ultimate villain

I really do think Roger Goodell has passed a certain point where he is starting to embrace the heel. [Big Cat: He wiped a booger on a handicapped child] that's super villain stuff that is the ultimate villain not because he embraced not because he was like oh i'm the super villain... he's just evil.

Mitchell Trubisky will be good for the Bears

I'm going to spin zone it real quick. I think [Mitchell Trubisky] is going to be good, okay? And he gets to learn behind Mike Glennon and Mark Sanchez... He actually had, I read this stat because I was digging deep trying to sell myself on this. I have 66% completion rate under pressure. Highest of any quarterback drafted in the first round.

Gareon Conley is better off in Las Vegas than Cleveland

Do you think that [Gareon] Conley's going to be better off getting away from Cleveland where there's all these nightlife and temptations and all that and going to a low-key place like Las Vegas? I think that'll keep him in line... The desert heat might dry you out. Stay out of trouble.

I would come out of retirement to play for the Browns for $15-18 million

If Cleveland offered you, let's just say $15 million a year, are you coming back? Absolutely... 15 to 18 a year. I'll be back.

Terrell Owens' locker room issues were his own fault

If it happens once, then it's kind of overblown. If it happens twice, let's kind of see what's going on. If it happens more than three times, then sometimes it's maybe not anyone else. It may be you... [His antics] wasn't such a problem until it hit the media. Then now he has to defend himself in the media.

Deshaun Watson is the best quarterback in the 2017 draft class

I like Deshaun Watson. I think Deshaun Watson has proven he can play in big games... I think Deshaun Watson is probably number one.

The Chiefs trading up for Patrick Mahomes was the worst pick in the draft

The worst pick, I think, in the draft was [Patrick] Mahomes at 10 and the Chiefs trading up 17 picks to get him? Do you think they did that because they're like, yo, Ryan Pace is going to get a lot of heat? Now's our time to just go under the radar.

Patrick Mahomes' arm is too strong for the Andy Reid offense

I also think it was a questionable move by Andy Reid. It doesn't really fit his system, which is throw the ball like four yards. His arm is too strong for the Andy Reid offense. He's just going to be overthrowing his receivers all day.

Backing the NFL Draft up an extra month was the smartest thing Roger Goodell ever did

The smartest thing Roger Goodell ever did was backing the draft up another month. That way you get so many more mock drafts and you get so many more takes in. And yes, you're right. The anticipation. I've been walking around with an erection for the last two weeks.

The Jaguars will win the 2017 NFL Draft with an A+ grade

The Jaguars won the draft. So I just want to call that right now. My post-draft grades, I don't know how 31 teams do. I know the Jags got an A+. This is the year that they're going to put it all together. They had a great draft.

The Bengals will draft a player with character issues in the 2017 NFL Draft

One is the Bengals are going to draft a guy with character issues. Even if the guy doesn't have character issues... We'll find a way to find a character. Oh, he used a blue pen in one of his blue book tests as a senior in college.

The Browns will draft Myles Garrett with the number one overall pick

They're going to screw it up. I don't know. They can't. I mean, it's going to be Myles Garrett.

Mitchell Trubisky will be the first quarterback taken in the 2017 NFL Draft

I would be very surprised if it's not Trubisky [going first among QBs]. That's what it seems like.

Mitchell Trubisky has a chance to start Week 1 for the team that drafts him

I mean, if you think about the rookies who will get picked this year, only, like, let's say the Browns take Trubisky. I think there's a chance he's their starter to open the season.

Davis Webb could potentially be a first-round pick

Davis Webb. Potentially going in the first round. Some teams really, really like him. Character-wise, he's great. It's interesting. When they study the tape, they say Cal's offense looked better for him than it did for Jared Goff last year.

Tony Romo is finished playing football and will not return

Tony Romo really retired? All your sources... No chance. I would be stunned. But I was hearing he was going to retire in, like, November. He doesn't look like someone who's ready to jump back on the field.

NFL mock drafts 5.0 and 6.0 are entirely made of smokescreens

When mock draft 5.0 and 6.0s are coming out, those are actually all smokescreens, too, because all the NFL personnel people that talk to the guys doing the mock drafts, they're telling them lies the whole time.